Delilah1

Hi Mera,

Just finished catching up on your thread, and I continue to be proud of you and inspired by you.

I am glad you had a wonderful visit with your boys, they must have loved seeing how healthy you look. I'm sorry the meeting with their dad was stressful, but glad you have the staff there to help you work through the emotions.

I hope the Antabuse works, and that you have a wonderful last week there.

Thank you again for sharing your journey.

❤️Delilah

Obladi

Mera,

I've been following your story and want to thank you for sharing all of it. It was brave of you to be honest here and to take the help that was offered. I'm so glad for you that you asked for medication and were denied. "Sitting through" discomfort is a skill I've only started to learn. I've found that if I resolve to do so and just let it be, it's not so awful that it can't be born. I hope you did go scream - that can be therapeutic as well.

I've been on Antabuse and it made me sleepy to begin with as well. Taking it at night helped, and in less than a week it wasn't an issue anymore. My clinic prescribes a half dose (250mg daily) because they've found that it's just as effective for most people but it minimizes the side affects. I've heard of people taking half that with success. Something you might want to discuss with your docs.

On behalf of the many silent but grateful readers, thank you again for sharing this experience and yourself with us.

O

Hawkeye13

Glad you are facing the difficult feelings with support.

I think your mom coming is also a great support once you leave.

Progress is happening!

Dharma33

One thing that has changed for sure though is that I definitely, without a doubt, CHOOSE not to drink anymore. That's got to count for something.

((((Mera))))

I think this counts for quite a bit. Once I went from "can't" to "choose not to", the amount of space drinking took up in my head was much, much smaller.

Thanks for posting your journey. You are an inspiration.

uncorked

Mera, congrats on getting through the anxiety without a crutch. The staff is right, we need to find other ways to cope with unpleasant emotions. One thing that has helped me tremendously are guided meditations. You can find a lot on youtube. I did yoga in rehab and I'd like to start doing that again. I also drank a ton of tea when I first came home. Don't push yourself, give yourself space and time to continue healing. 28 days seems like a long time when you're away but it's really not. I'm glad you have a plan in place for when you get home. Having mom there is great, too.

Coldfusion

I am glad the staff declined your request for Valium. I have learned by reading here at SR about the horrors of benzos, and I have a couple tales of terror of my own. Keep working on all these difficult things while you are in such a supportive environment!

Meraviglioso

Hello everyone, I hope you are all well and sober!
I had to take a day off yesterday from updating, I was just exhausted. Tuesday was the meeting with my children's father, which as I mentioned was a positive step forward but emotionally draining. Wednesday I had the IV at 5:30am, then the doctors, then the alcohol group, then another group, then the meeting with my psychologist. I was just so drained. I am trying to really give this my all but coupled with the fact that I am concentrating so hard, taking notes, really trying to take in everything but also translating in my head from Italian to English it can be draining at times. Yesterday was easier, just the IV, doctors, one group and then in the evening I met with the head psychiatrist (at my own request) to have him explain my MMPI results.

One thing I have learned is that rehab is not for the faint of heart. If you choose to come, don't expect a miracle to happen without putting in your part as well. Yes, they can detox you while you just lay comatose, but after that the hard work is up to you, and it is hard work indeed. They really push you. It has been totally worth it and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this centre or any other to anyone. I have also had the full support of every single staff member from the very head of the centre to the cleaning staff and ladies who serve meals. I have been supported and had my hand held as I walk through murky, uncertain waters, but despite all that it is heavy, hard work.

Please, anyone considering, GO! Call a rehab today and ask questions. But go with an open mind and be ready to work, it is certainly no luxury vacation.

Saskia

(((Mera))), I'm so happy to hear that this is a very positive experience for you! Now comes the time to incorporate all that you have learned into your day-to-day living and to make sure you have plenty of supports to help you over any rough spots. You can do this and we're here to help, too!

Fabela

You have come so far, Mera! It's about time to test the new sobriety wings.

FormerWineGirl

We are all so proud of you. Again, thank you for your willingness to openly share. I have no doubt that your story will help others with their struggles, especially those considering rehab. You are to be commended - and congratulated!

Meraviglioso

It is happening again, I am so drowsy with the antabuse. It is really a side effect that I don't know if I can manage. I am not against taking a medication that makes it impossible to drink, but the lethargy and sleepiness is not something I can handle with my responsibilities once I return home. I will discuss it again with the doctor to see if we can find a solution. When I tried it before I was instructed to cut down to 1/4 a pill but still had the same problem, I was in bed nearly all day, every day. Apparently this side effect at this intense level is rare, I am not sure what to do really?
I have spent nearly the entire day in bed, only going to see my psychologist this morning, waking briefly for the doctors rounds (they come to the room) and dragging myself to lunch. I even skipped the afternoon group, which I hate to have done, but I simply could not imagine getting myself there and staying upright for the entirety of it.

On a sad note, this is a voluntary rehab, some people are ordered to come, but most people come on their own free will. In both cases though anyone is free to leave at any moment for any reason if they wish to discontinue the program.
The other night one of the guys here for alcohol/cocaine/heroin addiction decided he had had enough. He had been complaining loudly earlier in the day that the tv in his room didn't work and they had assured him that they would send an electrician. Later he came to the voluntary group but got up mid way through and just left. About 9:30pm I saw a suitcase in the lobby and a few minutes later saw him walk with it out the gates. Apparently a friend had come to pick him up. Leaving rehab at 9:30 at night is never a good sign I don't think, I fear where he was headed and what he was planning to do with his friend. It was sad to see him go.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I have nothing but the doctor's visit in the morning. It is supposed to rain as well so I won't feel guilty staying in bed most of the day.
On Sunday my boyfriend will come. I told him to come via car instead of the train, I don't think I can make the 20-30 minute walk into town this time. I need to go buy more stationary to finish up my thank you notes. I am sure we will have lunch somewhere and then back to just hang out quietly and rest.

Thanks to you all for your continued support.

Fabela

I hope you'll find some way to take the antabuse without ruining your whole day, sweetie. Good to hear from you, as always.

firstymer

Thanks for checking in with us, Mera. You were missed.

I am sorry you continue to feel so tired. I know it may seem contradictory, but I remember in your first post that you checked out the modest fitness room there and hoped to at least get in a few cardio workouts. Have you been able to do that? Sometimes exercising helps me feel less lethargic. Maybe a run through the olive grove?

I hope things continue to go well for you. We are pulling for you.

Soberwolf

I'm sorry the guy decided to leave & that the Antabuse is having such a strong effect know your doing marvelous Mera keep up the excellent work x

Meraviglioso

I am going to ask if I can leave for an hour or two on my own after lunch tomorrow. I don't know if they will give me permission to leave without another person (as has been the rule so far) but I know others have had permission to leave by themselves. I'd like to walk down the hill to Porta Romana. I don't think I'll go all the way into town, but I'd like to pick up some juice and I need some hygiene items. The return to the centre is an steep uphill climb, I think that should give some good exercise and keep me out of bed for a bit. We'll see what they say for tomorrow.

Good news, today was the last day of the morning IV, so tomorrow no one will show up at 5:30 to stab a needle in my arm as my wake up call. I'll only be awoken at 7 when they bring morning meds.

In bed now, night all!

Fabela

Have a good night's sleep, Mera.

Caramel

This is such an important thread, Mera - thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
Thinking of you xx

Soberwolf

Have a nice day Mera

Meraviglioso

Good morning friends. What a nice morning I had, not to have had to be woken at 5:30 for the IV, I slept soundly until 7 when the nurse arrived with the meds. An hour and a half really makes a difference even if I usually did sleep straight through the IV.
This morning after breakfast I went to the doctor and asked for permission to leave on my own for an hour or two. He said no, that only the head of the centre can give that permission and I needed to have asked yesterday when he was here. I explained that my cycle had started and though I had packed hygiene products when I came I needed more and could not wait until tomorrow when my boyfriend came. He considered it for a moment and then gave me one hour. He said “this is generally not allowed, I am trusting you, do not fool around” I was happy but a bit insulted. I feel like I have been one of the most serious and sincere patients here, I am currently on antabuse and could not drink even if I had some dumb idea of “escaping” for an hour and running to the nearest bar. But I appreciated the opportunity and thanked him without showing any displeasure at his words. It was a good thing he let me go, by the time I returned things had escalated to emergency proportions. I won’t explain further, but I know the ladies here will understand. A load of laundry is on the agenda for today.
Leaving for the first time unaccompanied was strange. I think it would have been stranger if I had gone all the way into the center of town, but the rehab is set in a more residential area so the streets were almost empty. I stopped at the pharmacy and then another shop to buy additional cards to write thank you notes. I also went into a Catholic church that had their doors opened. I am not Catholic, nor am I religious but I appreciate the fact that such places can be calming. I tried to pray but didn’t know what to say. I just asked to stay sober. I was hoping the priest would notice my silent tears and come over and offer to pray with me/for me, but yet again it was an example that if you don’t clearly ask for what you need you are rarely given it. I was left alone to cry in silence.
I passed yet another church and entered, I sat in a chair at the back and cried some more. It was empty inside, no pews, just a few chairs at the back. There were a couple or priests at the front, making symbols and saying something in front of a large alter painting. There was one woman who stopped at every painting/statue, kissed it and left a lit stick of incense in front of it, followed by making the sign of the cross in the Catholic tradition. She took nearly 15 minutes for her to make it around the small room. Again, not being religious myself it is not something I can fully understand, but I do find such expressions of devotion soul-crushingly beautiful. I then realized all the women had head scarfs on, and those entering took time to stop and put one one. As she passed by I finally asked the woman kissing the pictures if I had permission to be there or if I should leave. She spoke to me in a language I did not recognize, but her intonation indicated it was a question. I responded in Italian, saying I was American but had lived in Italy for 10 years. She held my face in her hands and spoke to me in broken Italian. I think I understood that it was a Greek Orthodox church. She said to me “just sit and listen, you are welcome here” I stayed for a few more minutes but quietly slipped out unnoticed a short time later. I didn’t feel it was right for me to interrupt or intrude on their sacred space dressed so poorly and without respecting their traditional headwear.
I am still not certain where I was, I saw no Greek writing anywhere, which although I would not be able to read I would recognise. The women were making the sign of the cross in the same manner that Catholics do, but maybe Greek Orthodox do the same? The paintings seemed to represent biblical figures that I recognized as Christian/Catholic. All the writing (signs at the door, etc) were in some sort of Arabic language. I guessed it may be Turkish due to the large population of Turks in Florence but a quick google informed me that most modern day Turks use latin symbols to write. So it leaves me with only questions. In any case, I felt peaceful there and it felt nice to rest in the dimply lit space and watch others exhibit such passion and love for something they can only trust is there.
The way back to the rehab was a steep uphill climb. My stop at the churches put me behind schedule and I didn’t want to abuse my specially granted privilege so I flagged down a car and asked if they would give me a ride up the hill (it is a one way street so no special favors were asked, they would have to pass by the center). A nice lady agreed. I told her where I was going and she asked why I was there. I told her. As she dropped me off she said goodbye and said “I wish you the very best of luck”

Dharma33

Hi. Mera!

I'm wondering if the church was a Chaldean Catholic Church? The scarves are Mantillas; some very traditional Catholic Churches require or strongly advise them as a sign of reverence. The paintings / statues could have been the Stations of the Cross, a series of 14 images always in the same order- depicting the last days before the crucifixion. Typically there is a prayer said in front of each one.

Your day sounded like a nice little adventure