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caved in on the 76th day.

Old 04-15-2007, 11:09 AM
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caved in on the 76th day.

My roomate found a bunch of meds from his ex that had passed and there was a full bottle of zanax. i havent had since August and I have been craving them badly cause of all the stress. I planned on throwing them away but decided to just take 3 and then get rid of the rest. Next thing i know I was drinking wine and then I started making calls to get coke. I am so grateful today that I didnt get in touch with the dealer. I threw his # away awile ago, but unfortunately it is fully memorized. I have to get rid of the pills or I will be right back where I started. I havent been looking for anything but for it to just be sitting there on the kitchen table, and considering how I have just been obsessing about using just for a few hours relief i didnt have the strentgh at that moment not to use. I felt really bad when I first woke up, but I realize falling is part of the process. I made a mistake. Now my only dillema is what I am going to do with the pills. I have to get rid of them. Not easy for me. only 15 days away from having 90 clean, So here I am again on day one. Lesson learned or should i say recomfirmed. I cant do anything!
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:15 AM
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let it grow!
 
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it's ok, it happens, don't be too hard on yourself. you can start right back on your recovery path today.

about the pills -- flush them right now. if you can't do it on your own, call someone to come over asap and do it for/with you. that's my thoughts on that..

by the way, this may not be any of my business, but i'm asking anyway -- why did your roommate give the bottles to you in the first place? does he/she not know you're in recovery? people, places, and things, bfree.

blessings, k
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:18 AM
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Looking at them I feel like a never stopped at all
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:20 AM
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let it grow!
 
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throw them out. it's the disease, it is trying to trick you. don't fall for it. not worth it. get rid of them. blessings, k
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:24 AM
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Wink

bfree,

You did make a mistake, but you are not a mistake. As you said, lesson reconfirmed. A hiccup of this kind can either make you or break you. I think I know what it's going to do for you. Hang with the winners, it will get easier. By the way, are you doing this yourself or are you getting outside support? If alone, I encourage you to consider some help from a DR. or some kind of local support group. Face-to-face contact is very important.

We are with you, just do what you know in your heart is the next right thing. Your mind may deceive you but your heart never will.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:42 AM
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Hi Beth,

You can move forward from this and learn a lot.

Before you got the pills, you said you had been obsessing about using, just to get a little relief. Early recovery is a time when I learned new ways of dealing with things and new ways of finding relief. I had to do that. For me, music and walking/hiking were the things that worked.

And, I also think early recovery is a time when you need to make a lot of hard choices. I assume your roommate knows that you are in recovery. If he hands you a bottle of pills, you need to get away from him. Find another place to live. You have to put recovery first and I know you can do this.
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:42 AM
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You can learn from this and grow stronger.

Beth, flush those pills now! Don't make excuses because you know how powerful this disease is.... it would love for you to hold on to those pills but honey, it lies to you.

You don't want to go back to that place you were at. That was a dark and lonely place.

Stay in the sunlight of recovery with us.

FLUSH THOSE PILLS!! I'm with you in spirit!
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:48 PM
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Hi Beth,
I think what creekrider says is true - if we slip, in our heads we may to reset to day one, but our body has had the benefits of how ever many weeks we've been clean...don't beat yourself up...addiction is insidious....there's a lot of learned behaviour, a lot of instinctive responses, and a lot of bad habits we have be conscious of and guard against...I know if I start to get cravings, I have to let people know and, if necessary, take myself out of sitiautions where there'll be temptation...it's hard and I doubt there's anywhere here who hasn't slipped...but don't rub it in...learn from it, profit and move on...and flush those pills...today's Beth doesn't need 'em.

D
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:06 PM
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My roomate knows I am in recovery, but he is a total enabler. That is another story in itself. in his defense he didnt know what pills were int he bag and he thought I was out of the house. He looked pretyy freaked when he found out I found thwe bag. Now he feels baaad...


So far I cant flush the pills, havent taken anymore, but I feel terribly funky. All it took was a little taste. Funny though it didnt feel as good as I rememnber I am more depressed than I was, the feeling really didnt feel good at all, yet I am still argueing with myself.
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:59 PM
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Hi beth, hope you got rid of the pills, you know what to do. Do you have any support or a program? If you don't then recovery will be that much harder.

Kevin
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Old 04-16-2007, 05:43 AM
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let it grow!
 
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do the next right thing, bfree. thinking about you, k
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Old 04-16-2007, 07:49 AM
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I have been going to counceling, but I admit I never make it to meetings. I know I should. It has been hard doing this basically alone. i didnt touch the pills yesterday, because I could see what a negative place they left me in. Wanting to do coke is something that wouldnt cross my mind with a clear head. The pills made me more depresed than I had been. Sure I felt numb for awhile, but I dont think that is what I want anymore. I was happier when I could feel the good stuff and the bad stuff. This morning like any addict would do I went straight to where I thought I hid them. I asked my roomate about them and he told me he took them while I was sleeping and disposed of them so I can consider them gone. i was mad at first but now I am relieved. The way they made me feel makes me really have to ask myself how I could be on them for so long in the first place. No wonder I started smoking crack. I dont like feeling so sluggish. I have to admit the day I took them was the first good nights sleep I have had in a long time.
So now I am back to day 2, but thats OK I didnt do crack and that is severly important cause I know with just one hit I would be off and running again. The bad thing is that i fell after 76 days. The great thing is that I was clean for 76 days. That is the longest clean time I ever had since I became an addict. I am not to thrilled with myself, but I am not going to beat myself up over this
Dissappointed, but OK,
Beth
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Old 04-16-2007, 09:32 AM
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Beth hon 76 days is a HUGE victory and that is how you need to look at it, the slip you need to learn from, just how damn powerful this disease is, I am in AA and I will tell you that going to meetings is a big help, but that phone list is a God send, when your ass catches on fire to use all you have to do is hit speed dial to an AA or NA friend and beleive it or not that need to use will dissappear in a matter of minutes on the phone with some one who has been there and done that.

I promise you that no one gets bit at their first 3 meetings in a week, you only become eligable for biting after your 4th meeting in one week! If you did 76 days without F2F support you will do great with F2F support.
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Old 04-16-2007, 09:58 AM
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hugs, bfree. k
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Old 04-16-2007, 10:00 AM
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Hi Beth,

I remember some of your tough times, and I was so happy a while back when I read about how things were working out for you. You have your clean time, and one little detour is not going to change 76 days. Keep on going, nothings changed, you are recovering!

Best,
Steve
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Old 04-16-2007, 10:09 AM
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Take it from someone who recently posted that I had slipped again after 5 days , and then 4 days later . The restarting of days sober can be tremendously difficult to absorb especialy when you have had success for as long as you did , I try not to dwell on the relapse more than the solution to the issue , the methods of obtaining and keeping sobriety had to become my focal point , I had a tendency to feel a myriad of emotions when I slipped ,all of which led me to depression and a feeling of worthlessness , I countered that with finding and exploring diffrent approaches to maintaining sobriety , I am still searching but I DO NOT give up HOPE and I will not let my relaps or slips dictate me or my continuing efforts to be free of this illness. Tazman53 made an interesting and factual comment , you have done this so far , You can only expect continual and long-lasting results with the assistance of those who can really help you , toss that S**T away and don't even think about it while your doing it , I had been to meetings and wrote on this forum and it really does help ,but I, (until recently ) still had contact numbers, and paraphilnalia (excuse my spelling ) within reach , I tossed that crap , after realizing that I wasn't really trying to make a change until I did so . So please let it go down the toilet flush it and say goodbye , with it put those feelings that can lead back to slipping , deppression ,guilt ,worthlessness , and the rest of that S**T and start back on the road to becoming yourself again , We are all here for you , think no less of you , and will always support you , STAY STRONG , AND KEEP POSTIN , WE LOVE YA JEI
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:33 AM
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I feel really bad about myself today. The pills are definetly out of the house. I know that because I tore the place apart. I cant believe ii even did that. Going crazy looking for something that will eventually kill me if I kept going. I wouldnt jump in front of a train. Why? because it would kill me. Drugs will kill me. Drugs will kill me also so why am I even thinking about them. Trying to work through this. i guess I wouldnt be normal if I didnt feel guilty. Im trying to to take this as a lesson, but it hurts just the same knowing what I went through to get the clean time in.
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:38 AM
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So glad the pills are gone. That is a smart choice, and I'm proud of you for making it. Thinking about you and extra prayers, Bfree. Blessings, K
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:43 AM
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((((hugs)))) 76 days is great. It will be okay...
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Old 04-17-2007, 07:44 AM
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Hell yea it hurts, if it did not hurt you would not learn anything!

I had to hurt so bad that I saw deaths door before I finally decided I have to stop this caca or I am going to fricken die!!!!

If you learn from the pain then you gain from the pain.

If you just keep wallowing in the pain all that will lead to is more pain!

You have learned the pain and the mental hell of a relapse, are you going to gain from it by using the memory of the relapse as a tool to stay straight and help others stay straight or are you just going to wallow in the pain and misery and sink even deeper for more pain?

You did it for 76 days, now you have that relapse to use either as a tool to help you stay straight or as a boat anchor to drag you to the bottom.

You have the strength for 76 days, now you have an extra tool to go even longer.
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