DiggingIn

I'm here! Engrossed in yet another PBS documentary.

gleefan

Hi Febbies!

Lulu -I can't drive by target without chuckling at your description of the opposite of zen. I hope your little guy is feeling better.

Over the weekend I found myself in situation after situation that was beneficial for other people, and detrimental to my recovery. By the time Monday rolled around, there was nothing left in my tank. I couldn't figure out how to get motivated to do anything. It highlighted the importance of working on recovery every day; no taking weekends off and doing what's easy instead of what's right and picking a sober activity to enjoy.

gleefan

Hi DiggingIn! I enjoy when you pop in!

Casinva & Gazza - Congrats on 8 months sober!

I turn 8 months tomorrow. (Gazza does too, but I think it's already tomorrow where he lives. )

I have been blessed to be able to focus extensively on my recovery for the past 8 months. The new job that I'm starting Monday is a busy one and will even require some studying during evenings and weekends for the first few months. I'm excited for this job opportunity, and I feel ready for the challenges it offers.

I'm nervous about my new responsibilities, and how I'm going to balance them with my family commitments, my health, and my recovery. I'm a completely different person than I was 10 years ago when I left the corporate world to start a family. I'm not as sharp as I once was, not as in touch with current technology, less polished, etc.

This morning I had to meet with the team of teachers and specialists who work with my son at his school. I mentioned that I was starting a new career, that I'd no longer be with the day care center, and, in a God-moment, I got what I needed: congratulations, encouragement, and the kind prediction that I was going to skyrocket in my new position. My heart just swelled to hear this from educated, professional people who've only known me as a casual stay at home mom or child care provider.

My sponsor says that everything that you put before recovery you risk losing. I know it needs to be a priority. I'm still going to be able to keep in touch with my sponsor daily, attend 2-3 meetings per week, and check in on SR throughout the week.

I've made so many positive changes in my life during recovery. I don't have plans to mark tomorrow's milestone with anything specific. I'm just going to enjoy the last couple days of my vacation, and the joy, happiness, freedom, peace, and serenity that recovery has brought to my life.

Have a great day!!

SoberLife2014

Congratulations Casinva, Gazza, and Glee on 8 months!

It's good to hear from you Glee and Digging In. I missed hearing from you all! Hope you enjoyed your PBS documentary DI

Glee- I think everyone is rooting for you with this new job. It may be difficult at first, but I think you understand that. Like anything, just take it one day at a time. You'll do marvelously.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough weekend, but I hope you're recovered now. One thing I've had to learn how to do int recovery is taking care of myself. Sometimes I think I can get a little overindulgent in it, but I think it's important. This week I have 2 Dr appointments and they're both during the time when I take my baby to the babysitter. In other words, my "me" time and the time I take to get things done around the house will be spent at the doctor's office. Yesterday was the first appointment and of course right when I get there my doctor has to rush off to do an emergency c-section. I've been seeing him for 4 years and that's the first time that has happened. I was that emergency c-section one time though, so I had plenty of patience. When he came back he gave me his complete undivided attention as usual and that combined with his good looks and brains makes Lulu have a huge crush on him which is a bit awkward... but that's a WHOLE different story. Tomorrow I go to the dentist for a crown and 4 fillings. So, I've been taking it easy this week. The house can wait. I'm choosing not to stress about it. I'm pretty sure alcoholic Lulu would have taken the opportunity to wallow in the stress and drink over it. Things still wouldn't get done and I'd just be a stressed out drunken mess. Well, now I'll be a calm collected sober person who CHOOSES to take care of herself rather than stress about the house instead. Plus, baby is getting another tooth and is still very congested. He's a very fussy little guy right now and if I were any more stressed out I might not have the patience for him.

Take care all!

casinva

OMG Lulu you continue to crack me up - this time with the good looking ob/gyn! I bet he's a very popular guy. I think it's great that you are scheduling "me" time, especially with a little one. My kids were always with me and let me tell you that was the BIGGEST mistake I made. Good luck tomorrow at the dentist! What does your dentist look like?

Glee, your new job sounds exciting! I stopped working when my oldest was born - it's been 18 years since I've worked outside of the home. I'd love to get back out there now but it all seems so daunting. I'm so out of touch with a lot of the technology as well. I also contemplated going back to school. I'll figure it out eventually.

I had completely forgotten that today was the 22nd until my husband sent me a text this morning. I was touched that he remembered.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Gazza

thanks all. I'm still following along. sorry I don't post much, It's hard to know what to say sometimes. I hope knowing I'm reading the thread and that I care is something.

congrats Casvina and Glee 8 months seems like a long time in a way, but just a day in another way.


Be well all.
G

gleefan

Gazza - I think it's wonderful that you take the time to follow us. Way to go on 8 months.

Casinva - You are so fortunate to have a partner who fully supports your decision to stop drinking.

Lulu - Great perspective on how to prioritize your time and what really matters.

SoberLeigh

Hi Febs - lost another friend, the second in less than 10 days. Will be home on Saturday and will catch up then.

gleefan

((SL)) - I'm so sorry for your loss.

casinva

I'm so sorry SL..... ((Hugs))

SoberLife2014

I'm sorry for your loss SL

Dee74

I'm sorry Leigh.

D

SoberLife2014

Hi friends,

I hope everyone is well. I had my dental work done today. Unfortunately the dentist isn't as hot as my obgyn. I'm telling you... I have heard stories of this guy serenading women with Aerosmith during procedures. Even my husband developed a man-crush on him! Anyway, the dentist thing was pretty miserable, but I'm glad to have it over with. I had a crown placed and 4 fillings. Back in the day I'd probably just come home and drink the pain away, which worked, but at least I won't wake up with a headache AND a sore tooth tomorrow!

I just got back from the grocery store. Believe it or not, this was a big deal to me. So, just recently a new grocery store was built right by out house. It's a nice one too. Anyway, it's about 7pm baby couldn't sleep so I thought "I'll go buy some of my favorite pink cookies. I'm hungry and I deserve them after all of this dental business". So I go to the store with baby, I buy my pink cookies and as I was walking to my car I realized that I just went and bought some pink cookies at 7pm without even THINKING about buying alcohol! There was a time where I'd cry in my car in the grocery store parking lot because I was craving alcohol so bad and I knew that if I went in there I'd buy some. And, there used to be a time where there was no way I'd be able to make it to 7pm without drinking! This made me really happy The AV must be snoozing.

Anyway, I'll check in later with you all. Take care Febbies!

casinva

Gazza and Glee - congrats on 8 months today!!!

Lulu - I loved reading about your grocery store trip! We can be so hard on ourselves and it's great to have those moments when we truly appreciate our sobriety. Enjoy those pink cookies girlfriend -- you deserve them!

gleefan

Lulu - It's amazing when that obsession lifts. Some people in AA say that theirs never returned. I hope you savored every last bite of your pink cookie.

I agree with something that Casinva said upthread about continuing to take time for yourself while raising children. I always had my kids with me. I didn't even go to the dentist without them. Crazy, huh?

I've kind of pieced together why I was so nuts. I didn't take care of myself. And my husband not only didn't encourage me to, but actively encouraged me not to.

My boundaries are so much better in recovery. With my new job, I'll be making about the same as I was at my last one. But because of the hours, my husband and I had to find childcare for the kids. We agreed that we've been fortunate not to have to pay for childcare for the past 10 years, and that childcare, while expensive, is part of the equation of me moving forward in a corporate career.

I hired someone to meet them at the house after school, drive them to hockey practice, and do some light cleaning and meal prep in the house. He is aghast at the cost, and told me, "This is going to hurt us financially."

I didn't back down. First of all, it's not. Second of all, he agreed to the cost/benefit analysis of me taking a corporate job. Third, I need to pay someone the tiny bit extra that it will cost per week for the convenience of a little extra help around the house. Fourth, he's getting extra help by having this woman drive the kids to meet him at hockey instead of him having to leave work early. Why should he get the extra help and not me? He pushed back hard. said that I misunderstood him, that I "always" overreact, and that I need to understand his point of view. I stood firm, and he went home that evening and drank.

My intention here isn't to give you the full he said/she said, but to show how hard it is to undo ten years of not respecting how hard it is to be a stay at home mother raising children. By denying my needs, I hurt myself and my marriage.

Keep on taking time for you, Lulu. I wish I listened to everyone who gave me that advice ten years ago.

I'm not living in the past, just trying to light the path for you based on my mistakes.

Have a great weekend, Febbies!

Dee74

you too glee and everyone

D

casinva

I had a panic attack last night. Not earth shattering news, I realize, but it brought back some horrible memories of my drinking days. I haven't had a full blown attack in a number of months and while I do live with anxiety almost daily - especially when out in public - it's manageable and I don't avoid places anymore. Last night I just couldn't get on top of it when we were in a busy restaurant and I had to leave. I begged my husband to stay and eat dinner with the boys and I'd wait in the car. But a few minutes later he came after me and said he couldn't leave me sitting in the car alone. But that's what I wanted. I was so upset that he had left and it reminded me of the many, many, many times we had to not do something or not go somewhere because of my panic attacks caused by drinking. Last night wasn't a big deal in the big scheme of things - it was a dinner out at an average restaurant - but to ME it was a HUGE deal because of all the times in the past when plans were changed at the last minute because of me. There was so many things we didn't get to do together as a family because of me. And how did I deal with it back then? By drinking another damn glass of wine and forgetting about it. By justifying in my own sick, twisted alcoholic mind that we didn't need to go here or there or do this or that. So many things my kids missed out on and not once did they ever complain. So all these thoughts and feelings came rushing back to me last night and it wasn't pretty. I'm still upset today over it. I know I can't change the past and the present and future is SO MUCH better, but it's still painful to look back at what I did (and most importantly what I didn't) do for the past 10 plus years. My boys are now 16 and 19 and I know I can't get those years back. And that's the hardest part of all of this for me. The time wasted.

SoberLife2014

((Casinva)) I understand you feel upset about what happened last night because of what happened in the past, but you're different today. The past doesn't exist anymore. You can't change it because there's nothing to change. Today you're sober Casinva. It doesn't matter what time was wasted then, all that matters is today. You had to do what you had to do and I'm sure your family understands that.

I did some pretty rotten things during my alcoholism too. It took me quite a while to deal with living in the past. At times I still struggle. I call those memories "Past Monsters". Now, I try to look at those Past Monsters right in the eye and embrace them. I hope they never go away because the day they do is the day I might think it's OK to go have a drink. One thing I still struggle with is something from my past that very much affects my present and my future. While my son seems fine now, I still worry that when he gets to be school age he'll end up having learning issues. Whether or not it's my fault, how could I not feel like it's because of the drinking I did while pregnant? How would I deal with that? I don't know. But, I don't really have a choice. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Just grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Take care Casinva, you're doing great hun

Dee74

Hey cas - hate the addiction not the addicted.

Whatever happened in the past is the past - we can't change it.
We can learn the lessons tho - extract the good from the bad and make the most of this second chance

I am sure your boys love you - and I know they'd be thrilled to have their mom 'back'

D

casinva

Thanks guys. I feel kind of silly that I posted that this morning. I spent the afternoon going for a drive with my husband through the countryside and we talked some more. I went into a few loud and crowded stores just to reaffirm that I was still in control of my anxiety. I even picked out a longer check out line to stand in. I am obsessing over that restaurant and have decided I need to go back there one day next week.

Dee, you're right about learning from the mistakes of the past. Dwelling on what could have been is a waste of time and energy and I'm not going to give my addiction that power.

Lulu, I like your description of the Past Monsters and agree that they are important to keep in our lives so that we don't get too comfortable into thinking we could ever drink again.

One thing I found very interesting about last night was that throughout all of it, and even this morning when I was rehashing it, I never once thought about drinking. Once upon a time a paper cut would have sent me into a tailspin and to that glass(es) of wine, lol.

Thanks again guys!