Vet69

LBrain you are so right. Most so called friends are merely acquaintances who value relationships for what they can get out of them. Many companies are that way too. They have an investment in you. A forward looking company, and there are some, would have put you on sick leave and given you the chance to go through rehab. Believe me other people saw how you were treated and realize that it could happen to them. You will not only survive you will thrive. There is light ahead.

LBrain

Well it's the holiday Monday. Asked wife if she wanted to go out today - NO. Her only mission in life right now is to study her nursing books. Gave me hell because foyer is still empty - cleaning grout is a "process" I tried to explain. It's not like cleaning a vinyl floor covering... So it looks like my time is my own for the rest of the year. She put in a request to change the color of the upstairs hallway, but remodel bathroom first. I said I'll tile the bathroom if you promise to not get hair color on the walls and tile. Once that dye is in the grout it's there forever... That promise is the same as a two year old promising to not to spill food from a high chair.
Hope you guys made it through the weekend without a struggle. Keep the faith and keep on pushing through it. The more time you have the easier it gets.

Vet69

SR was quiet this weekend. Checked in but did not find anyone to talk to so I checked out the Newcomers Forum. There are really some difficult stories out there. It puts my own problems in perspective. I find that sharing with others and encouraging them helps me. Went to work out with my wife this morning. We need balance in our lives to be healthy. I hope your wife and you can find time to do something together today for and hour or two.

zerothehero

Hola...

I can relate to so much of what you guys have been talking about. One of the real struggles for me was loss of what I had thought were actual friendships. Unless I'm playing music I make those folks uncomfortable. They still show up to hear me play, but otherwise... I am grateful for the support of my wife, though she too is kind of on her own path.

I still love music and on some level love the scene, but yesterday was strange for me. I played in a bar on Friday night, made a couple hundred bucks, and headed to the mountains for a music and camping festival. Saturday was great fun dancing and meeting folks, but it is a lonely feeling when it seems I'm the only sober one. People didn't seem to notice. I bumped into some folks that heard me play at another fest a few years back, and they invited me to hang with them. They were drinking hard so I just kind of crossed paths with them on and off.

Anyway, Sunday morning the amps were all off until noon, so I grabbed a guitar and ended up in their camp jamming with some folks. 10am and they were already drinking mimosas and hard cider and smoking joints. I played a song written by a junky friend of mine about getting clean ("I left my higher power and I did not have the nerve to say goodbye...") and got no reaction. Soon after that a glass pipe appeared and I thought they were smoking hash oil, which wouldn't have bothered me much. I caught a whiff downwind and realized it was heroin.

So, I took a walk and kept walking. I found myself above tree line almost to the top of the highest peak in the state. I would have continued but I needed water and I wasn't equipped for 13,000 feet. I sat in a scree field meditating until the sun was getting low and I figured the five or six miles back would take almost until dark.

When I returned to the festival all I could think was "get me out of here." There was another whole night of fine music lined up, but I just didn't care, so I hopped in my Jeep and looked for a room. All booked. Another motel. All booked... A few hours later and I was happily home in bed.

The idea of "getting a life" is challenging when I can't go back (and don't want to) and going forward is such a mystery. I really don't mind being around alcohol and weed because I know there are many people who can have a good time and it won't be a problem. Others I see and think, wow, are YOU heading for a fall... And then there is heroin. I've seen them turn gray, I've seen them turn green, and unfortunately, I've seen them turn blue. It makes me sad and disturbed when the innocence of what could be just live music in the mountains becomes a trigger for past traumas. Not to mention the thought that a lively, fun-loving youngster's heart could stop beating right then and there.

Dee74

Zero, I'm finding now I'm back in the city a lot of my old music buds are re-connecting, which in a way is kinda surreal cos I've been thinking I've spent enough time alone on the mountain...

Anyway, I spent the afternoon yesterday playing a few tunes and talking with one of them.

Turns out he showed up stoned - but I didn't really feel anything about it one way or the other...it's his life and it's certainly not my job to change him or be the sober police.

I just don't want to be where he is anymore. Period.
I really like reality and I like sober me.

We had a good time playing old tunes, talking about anything and everything... and then he left and I made dinner and got on with my evening.

I guess my point is I don't feel lonely or apart from others anymore, but at the same time, I'm committed to my boundaries.

Stick with it

D

LBrain

zero, it sucks that the old crowd is still bent on getting altered. Glad you were able to make it through unscathed. I'm sure strapping on the guitar felt good too.
You made it through some challenging situations. Proud of you man.

Dee, getting back into the groove too. I think there is a population of the music folk who will always want to catch a buzz. The best we can do is look the other way and hope is doesn't catch us off guard. Good for you.

Thanks for the kind words Vet.

zerothehero

I think I'll get there. The thing is I'm still on the mountain - literally. My little rural enclave is awash with alcohol and other drugs. Churches and bars - I'm not inclined to spend much time in either, and there's not much in between.

I'm lonely mostly when I'm in a crowd. Truth is, I think I've always been that way, and it's part of why I joined the drinking/drugging crowd. Belonging.

I felt a sense of belonging up with the marmots and the big horn sheep, though. That's my church. And what they have to say makes a lot more sense to me than the bull I hear in bars and churches (no offense to those with faith; I just don't get it).

Dee74

Thanks B. It's not something I look for but sometimes I have to face it.
After 7 years I think I'm prepared and ready - the bottom line is I don't want to lose what I have

I have a lot of sober friends, and muso friends, too, so it's all good

I really got comfortable with myself up on my mountain. I learned to enjoy my own company. It really changed my ideas on loneliness and belonging.

Be interesting to see if you find the same Zero?

D

Vet69

There's a quiet place in our souls that reminds us of who we are. Reading what you have all written reminds me that peace is to be found within and not at the end of some distant journey. I am far behind all of you; but when I open this page and read your stories I am able to soldier on. I am grateful.

LBrain

Vet, once you come to the realization of the malady and what you must do to overcome it, you are almost there. When you have committed to take whatever steps necessary to rid your self of addiction and have practiced these methods with success over a period of time, you are no longer behind. You are right there with someone who has done it for 1 yr, 5yrs etc. What you do and how you adapt yourself once you are rid of the addiction is up to you. This is the part you make a decision to improve your life or to just be a drone who doesn't drink or drug.
You're really not that far behind my friend.

An analogy: Major league baseball has an all-star game every year. The best of the best. How can it be that a rookie makes the all-star team as well as a ten year veteran? Same thought applies to us. A guy with 3 months sober can be as bright as a guy with ten years sober.

Vet69

Thanks Brain. I know the problem. I need to be stronger and that's my goal. Thank you for being there for me.

LBrain

Bueno Amigos! I just ordered seeds for planting my fall lettuce, greens and spinach - a little late but it will grow into the winter. Plus some radishes. Can't find seeds in stores.
I am slowly succumbing to the life of the internet.

Stay strong Vet - understanding the problem is half the battle.

LBrain

Well, I looked at the weather forecast: No rain till midnight. Plenty of time to paint a section of fence - last one. I put up plastic, covered plants and brushed the dust/dirt from the fence. Started painting and an hour in the dark clouds came and so did the rain. Just a summer shower but enough to ruin paint plans. I'm not even angry about it. Just put the brush in the bucket, put on the lid and find something else to do, like make dinner for when the boss gets home.

Vet69

You've got the right attitude about dinner Brain. Otherwise the next thing you'll be building is a doghouse- and you'll be to first occupant!

jackrussell

What journeys we travel! Love it all. Up, mostly for me. I like the stories you share. Life is good here, generally. Lost two dogs in the last three months. One old blind coon hound left, staggering around the house, bumping into everything. His med regimen involves four pill vials. We are acting as retirement residence for him, belongs to an urban daughter now with two kids. Last legs for the old hound. Palliative care. So many out there doing palliative care for kids, spouses and parents. Yet again, I pull a straw of gratitude for my moment in this wheel. All the best to you.

Muhv

I wish my husband could cook. He can't. I'm not even sure he can make a sandwich, I believe he would just take a bite from bread, a bite from ham and a spoonful on butter and wash it down with milk straight from the bottle.

I'm sorry about your dogs Jack.

I've been sick for a couple of days, but getting better now. AD withdrawal symptoms are gone and generally I feel fine.

Muhv

Oh, and President Obama is in Tallinn today. Had to stay home with kids, because we live in the area where traffic is closed for Obama and kindergarden is closed. I was thinking of taking my kids to see Obama drive by, but now with the cold I have, I'm not sure I should go out.

LBrain

Hope all are well today.
Jack, that's great what you do for the pooches. But I know it is hard work sometimes. I knew someone who did this and I remember helping an old dog get to his feet just so he could be escorted outside. Otherwise he would lay in his own mess. I think he was 112 years old. I seemed to get cleanup duty often.
Good to see you Muhv and glad you're feeling better. My last wife couldn't even boil a pot of water. It's sad what they do when an American president is in town. Philadelphia is basically shut down for a few hours when he visits.

TigerLili

On the subject of drugs, I've actually had a social life the last month or so and have been going out with a friend back to my old stomping grounds. I don't know if I didn't notice is before, but drug use has escalated. We went to a fun party at someone's house a few weekends ago and in the early hours my friend pointed out that he and I were the only people not smoking ice. I was kind of shocked to realise that. My friend is a normal drinker and had a bit to drink but I wouldn't call him drunk. Still, I was the only person there not drug or alcohol affected.

Last weekend we went to a small, private club night and again I wouldn't be surprised if he and I were the only people not using drugs of some kind.

Vet69

Ice is also known as Crystal Meth and is used widely used in the drug community in this area
It's a highly potent form of speed. Heroin use has rapidly re-emerged here too,particularly among the young. There has been a tragic number of overdose deaths, not to mention the drug and alcohol related fatal accidents.