Leftover

As the loving Mom of an active, adult addict/alcoholic, I can tell you there are many things I would have done differently. My son became addicted in college, maybe high school, and has never gotten well. He's now 40+ and his life is in total shambles.......10 rehabs, 3 suicide attempts, numerous overdoes,
no job, no driver's license, no money and he's in jail. I have no contact with him because I finally followed through on my promise. "I will no longer be part of your addiction. Nor will I be responsible for any or your responsibilities." He walked out and I haven't seen him in nearly 2 years. Sad..Yes. Determined to follow throu..Yes!

WHAT DO I WISH I HAD DONE DIFFERENTLY?

I wish I had been abLE to get past my guilt and walked away sooner. Such a waste of my energy. I wish I had believed I couldn't help him. I nearly helped him to death.

WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU HAD DONE DIFFERENTLY??

Ilovemysonjj

I wish I had taken a firmer stance when JJ was younger. I wish I had known more about addiction and not believed all of the lies he told when he was in high school.

Now I wish that I could realize he is a grown MAN and his life is his own. I continue to work on this and whenever he is out of rehab and not stable, this is my achilles heel. I always want things NORMAL, I wish I can accept 100% that this is none of my business.

Leftover

It seems we all take time to realize we cannot always fix our children. When they are adults its up to them to fix themselves. A mother's love is so strong that walking away is like experiencing death. Thank you for your response. I wish other mothers would comment here.

pilotlady

Leftover - Same as you. My son is only 27, but my thoughts mirror yours. So many
signs I ignored. Wish 5 years ago I had walked away and let him figure it out. Have
walked away many times since, but after a few months he reels me back in. Currently
I have cut contact due to so many hurtful and abusive things he has said. Heroin has made him a person I no longer recognize.... Only child, so letting go is hard, but
I learned long ago (thru divorce) that being alone is ok if peace is your reward.

pilotlady

Also, you should be proud of holding your ground, even though it is so hard. Two years is a long time, but you did the right thing. One thing that I think about is that I cannot remember the last time I got a call/email asking how I am or acknowledging anything in my life. Always about him... I am sure you were/are a great mom. Sometimes love just is not enough.

Txhelp

I so agree with the other posters...I wish I had let go early. I wish I would have allowed the consequences hit sooner.

My daughter (age 20) stated the other day "I wish you would have left me in jail the first time and not bailed me out." Then she agrees that it may not have made much of a difference. She is in recovery now.

My son (age 26) was my first experience in addiction. I held on longer; enabled longer; and still feel "sorry" for him. He is, at this time, in a questionable (by me) recovery. He lives hours away.

Leftover

Probably the most upsetting things about my physical detachment from my addicted son is that he has forbiddenme from seeing my grandchildren. The youngest is 20 months and I've seen her when she was born. It breaks my heart they are growing up with such dysfunction. There mother continues to bail him out and allow him back in the home. Because of my sons mental instability, I fear to make any contact. I have other children and grandchildren and I want us all to be safe. He was threatening, mean, dullusional and in the throngs of overdose the last time we talked for any length. He accused me of hideous acts against him and I felt he was functioning in some fantasy world. It was scarey. I wish I had detached before his addiction began to affect his brain. He really does not know the different between real and his perfected imagination. I've been the brunt of his craziness and had to work extreme ly had to keep myself sane.

I pray that each of us will continue to step away and repeat this mantra "I will noy do one thing for you that is your responsibilities." Say it again, again, again, praying for us all!

Seren

My addicted stepson was an adult when I met him. I'll have to ask my husband that question, but what I have heard him say is that he just didn't know that much about addiction. He, too, probably wishes he had known more, earlier.

What parent has a child and thinks "now I have to learn all about addiction and recovery in case this happens to my child". This might be true for a family in which addiction is quite prevalent, but for many families, that is not the case.

What my husband and I now understand is that the young man has to learn how to live in this world on his own. He has to learn how to get and keep a job, pay bills, clean his clothes, make his food and so on. He has to learn how to handle the consequences of his own actions, too. We won't be around forever to take care of all of it for him, and we would be doing him enormous harm by not letting him go--letting him learn.

And so we have...let him go and learn. We tell him we love him when we have the opportunity, and we pray for him daily.

How are you today, Leftover. I know another Mom on these boards who hasn't seen her son in several years. I can't begin to imagine how that hurts a Momma's heart

daisy6234

I wish I would have educated myself on addiction. I am so thankful my son is 11 months sober and actually doing his steps and can see visible evidence of it. The main thing i wish is my husbands parents would have not enabled their son who are drug addicts. Because of it he acts out as an addict. He is the victim and is becoming more and more verbally abusive and will take no responsibility for his actions of them. And our family has suffered so many consequences. I have no one to turn to for help to confront what he is doing. It is literally ripping us apart. So when parents enable the addicts and favor them it has so many effects, even if the other siblings did no drugs. Sorry this is a bit off topic, I am so greatly hurting and am at a breaking point with him.

Seren

Hello daisy,

I'm so happy to hear about your son's 11 months!! That is quite an achievement!!!

I'm so very sorry that you have experienced such pain in the form of both an addicted spouse and child. Yes, we the Moms often get the blame when the wife, girlfriend, boyfriend find themselves in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction. And yes, addiction does tear families apart. It has torn my family apart. If I could warn every woman who wants to become involved with my stepson, I would--but it's not my business, and most would not believe me anyway. My stepson can be very, very charming.

There is a thread in the Friends and Family of Substance Abuser's forum that you might find helpful, we might all find helpful. This post, and the one's that follow, are excellent in expressing exactly what it is like for a parent who has an addicted adult child:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5313841

Bottom line for me, we all want the same thing--for our addicted loved ones to be free from addiction, happy, and healthy.

ArmyOfOne

I honestly don't know how to answer this question. I don't think there was anything I could have done differently to avoid the outcome of the present.

Leftover

Dear Army, it does feel as though we could not have done anything different. Honestly, in affecting our childrens' addiction, I do believe there was nothing to do. All we did wrong and all we did right made no difference. For MYSELF and how this process has affected ME, I wish I had done some things differently.

I wish I had paid more attention to myself and not become sick.
I wish I had listened to my Alanon friends more closely when they told their stories.
I wish I had believed sooner that those stories where just like mine.
I wish I had known that my son would do what he chose to do and not listen to anyone else or take any advice.
I wish I had known that all the money I spent would be so wasteful.

So I guess what we all wish is that we had not been so naive or hopeful. It hurts so badly when you think they might come out of the darkness and they don't.

Hang in there. Take care of you. Prayers!

seek

It's a journey for all parties. There are no right or wrong answers. Everyone is always doing the best they can at their level of health and awareness.

I do think going into the past and processing is a stage in acceptance of "what is." Just don't stay there too long and don't beat yourselves up.

Leftover

Thanks Seek. Made me realize how the wishing may not be as healthy, but still a necessary step. Time to move to acceptance. Thanks. Your post hit home for me.

Twofish

Dear Leftover,
I have two girls(women) in recovery, 20 & 23...
I wish I would of educated myself better in the disease of
addiction, years ago, I have done it now, better late than to never do it.
I wish I would of listened to my "gut" sooner.
I wish I would of taken better care of "me", lived in "today" not
yesterday.
I wish I would stop worrying about something I can't fix, only they can
help themselves, I am still working on the worrying!
And if I smell a relaspe coming...I hope I stay out of it and offer her
support in the form of "hope", no more rescuing, if they want help, I
can drive them to the hospital or clinic. Give her a hug and stand firm
to my boundries.
I could wish all day, but by the evening, it's all up to my RADs, not me.
Good thread, it made me think...
TF

NWGRITS

I'm an ACoA and my children are all under 10 years of age. I wish I had gotten myself help earlier, before having kids. I struggle with the cycle of blame-shifting and all-around dysfunctional behavior as a parent, and I am scared to death that I won't be able to fix it enough in time for my kids to become functioning, healthy adults. And so they receive counseling (as do I) to attempt to salvage their futures. That's it. I don't know that I would go back and change my childhood from where I currently stand. My husband and children are my greatest blessings, and none of them would exist if I did things differently. Of course, not knowing what any of the dysfunction of my FOO was, I would have likely found a healthy life sooner, so there's always that. Since I can't take the Wayback Machine though, I'll stick with just wishing I'd tried to become a better parent much sooner.

jenpi813

To all the mothers out there who have taken the courageous step to detach and not contribute to the addiction I applaud you ! My mother will never do this. She is now 90 and still enabling her 60 year old life long drug addict son who stills lives at home. It breaks my heart. And I am the one taking care of her.

Anaya

I had been reviewing, "What could I have done differently?" in my mind over time and had decided there's many things I might have done differently when raising my children.

At this moment, the first thought that comes to mind is that I wish I would have been a more confident and mature parent. Then I may have started making boundaries much sooner and sticking with them, though, that is wishful thinking. I feel it is easier for me to say what I could have done/should have done now that the dust has settled and I have been moving on in my recovery than when I was in the thick of the crises (with addict son and family) and pretty much just barely making it through some days.

How does the saying go - "Hindsight is 20/20."

BellaBlue

Well, first thing would have been not to marry the alcoholic dad. I had strong misgivings. Second, end the marriage much sooner than I did. After that, there was nothing more to do than what I did which was provide drug and alcohol education and counseling for my children. It didn't seem to stop the addiction process with my son.

Ann

I wish I had let go and let my son figure out his addiction and recovery on his own shortly after it began. The outcome for him may have been better and the outcome for me would have been so much less traumatic. My "helping" nearly cost him and me our lives.

But that's like an alcoholic saying "I wish I had never taken that first drink", my name is Ann and I am a Codependent . When I learned and knew better, I did better, but it's been a long process that involved healing and learning to make healthy choices.

So maybe I will rephrase and just say that I wish I had prayed more, had stronger faith that God could do for my son what I cannot, and then let Him. Doing that today keeps me sane.

Hugs