A Letter To My Addicted Adult Child.
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A Letter To My Addicted Adult Child.
My Dear Child,
I feel like I’m saying goodbye to you, and in a way, I suppose I am. I will always love you. I want the very best for you and I’m prepared to do the most unnatural thing, a mother can ever do. My minds screams, I’m abandoning you. Oh, I know you’re all grown up, but to me, you’ll always be my baby. That’s part of the problem. My nature is to protect you. I see you broken and despairing, and I am broken and despairing too. If you had cancer, or heart disease, I would fight tooth and nail to get you the care you need. In a strange way, this is me fighting. It’s the hardest fight I’ve ever fought. It would be far easier to stand at your hospital bed, knowing that what I was doing was helping you. But there is no hospital bed. There is no cancer, or heart disease. What there is – is an insidious little secret – one that has grown into a horrible, ugly beast. It is devouring you alive, and me, along with it.
I’ve watched this monster grow. I pleaded with it. I’ve coddled it. I’ve even nurtured it. I’ve done everything I can think of to make this THING go away, but it's relentless. And I am left to face the truth. You my precious child, are an addict. An addict! Oh my God! I can barely say it. I feel sick. I HATE that word. And yet, it's true. Why does the truth have to be so hard? Even harder, is what I still have to do. All my life I have watched over you and now, I have to set you free. Not because I want to. Because I NEED to. It’s the only thing I can do, that MIGHT save your life. But the process may also end it.
I’m told by other addicts and professionals, and other Mom’s who have gone before me, there is a far greater chance you will succeed and get clean, if I do this. Almost always, this works. Believe me, ALMOST, is nowhere near comforting enough. If I wasn’t sure, I was helping you to die, I would never choose this. But here I am, between a rock and hard place. With no good choices, only hard, and worse ones. Before I let you go, know this. I am here for you, ALWAYS. I am here for YOU. Not for your disease, but the you, I know hides deep down inside of the addict, somewhere. Whether you get clean by intervention, or growing weary of your consequences, now that you’ll be dealing with them, this insanity will stop. If you think quitting drugs is hard my dear, you should try walking away from your child!
I know we’ve both grown sick with this monster. You’re not the only one who needs help. I do, too. I promise you I will do everything that is asked of me, even if I think I’m going to hate every minute of it. I’ll do it, because I know if I do, you might. I promise not to ask you to do anything, that I won’t do. I would ask you to take care, but you will only smile and nod, and carry on as before. The words would only make me feel better. They’re of no use to you, at all. So instead, I shall give you to God. I've done all I can for you and I don’t know who else to trust. But before I do, I’ll wrap you in your favourite baby blanket. The one you dragged behind you until it was nothing but rags.
Lastly, I pray that we both have the strength to do the next right thing, even, when it feels so wrong.
I love you my precious child.
May we both find peace.
Parents of drug addicted children-Author Unknown
I feel like I’m saying goodbye to you, and in a way, I suppose I am. I will always love you. I want the very best for you and I’m prepared to do the most unnatural thing, a mother can ever do. My minds screams, I’m abandoning you. Oh, I know you’re all grown up, but to me, you’ll always be my baby. That’s part of the problem. My nature is to protect you. I see you broken and despairing, and I am broken and despairing too. If you had cancer, or heart disease, I would fight tooth and nail to get you the care you need. In a strange way, this is me fighting. It’s the hardest fight I’ve ever fought. It would be far easier to stand at your hospital bed, knowing that what I was doing was helping you. But there is no hospital bed. There is no cancer, or heart disease. What there is – is an insidious little secret – one that has grown into a horrible, ugly beast. It is devouring you alive, and me, along with it.
I’ve watched this monster grow. I pleaded with it. I’ve coddled it. I’ve even nurtured it. I’ve done everything I can think of to make this THING go away, but it's relentless. And I am left to face the truth. You my precious child, are an addict. An addict! Oh my God! I can barely say it. I feel sick. I HATE that word. And yet, it's true. Why does the truth have to be so hard? Even harder, is what I still have to do. All my life I have watched over you and now, I have to set you free. Not because I want to. Because I NEED to. It’s the only thing I can do, that MIGHT save your life. But the process may also end it.
I’m told by other addicts and professionals, and other Mom’s who have gone before me, there is a far greater chance you will succeed and get clean, if I do this. Almost always, this works. Believe me, ALMOST, is nowhere near comforting enough. If I wasn’t sure, I was helping you to die, I would never choose this. But here I am, between a rock and hard place. With no good choices, only hard, and worse ones. Before I let you go, know this. I am here for you, ALWAYS. I am here for YOU. Not for your disease, but the you, I know hides deep down inside of the addict, somewhere. Whether you get clean by intervention, or growing weary of your consequences, now that you’ll be dealing with them, this insanity will stop. If you think quitting drugs is hard my dear, you should try walking away from your child!
I know we’ve both grown sick with this monster. You’re not the only one who needs help. I do, too. I promise you I will do everything that is asked of me, even if I think I’m going to hate every minute of it. I’ll do it, because I know if I do, you might. I promise not to ask you to do anything, that I won’t do. I would ask you to take care, but you will only smile and nod, and carry on as before. The words would only make me feel better. They’re of no use to you, at all. So instead, I shall give you to God. I've done all I can for you and I don’t know who else to trust. But before I do, I’ll wrap you in your favourite baby blanket. The one you dragged behind you until it was nothing but rags.
Lastly, I pray that we both have the strength to do the next right thing, even, when it feels so wrong.
I love you my precious child.
May we both find peace.
Parents of drug addicted children-Author Unknown
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Sorry for the last post, I didn't think it through.......I have a 10 month old baby and the thought of ever having to write something like to him one day breaks my heart into pieces. I'm sorry for you Morning Glory, there must be nothing worse in the world than being powerless to help your own child. I don't have any words.
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I'm sorry it upset you Highwind. My son is alive and well and has been clean and sober for a year and a half which has been wonderful. All we can do is the next right thing. Figuring out what that is is the hard part.
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The only issue I have with this letter is "I’m told by other addicts and professionals, and other Mom’s who have gone before me, there is a far greater chance you will succeed and get clean, if I do this. Almost always, this works." This is not supported by data. I'd be very interested to know where this idea came from.
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Personally I have never really cared about statistics or what anyone has told me. I've always tried to live in the "now" and make my decisions based on what was happening at the time. I am glad that others shared their experience and advice from every angle. It gave me courage and a lot to consider when I had to make a really hard decision. What anyone believes in is none of my business. I don't have to walk in their shoes. I don't have to live with their consequences. I make choices that I can live with. This is an extremely personal journey with a lot at stake for each person involved.
There are no guarantees with addiction. It carries it's own high risk that is outside of my control. I can only try to do the next right thing. That might be different for each situation and for each individual person.
There are no guarantees with addiction. It carries it's own high risk that is outside of my control. I can only try to do the next right thing. That might be different for each situation and for each individual person.
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I can speak only for myself when I share that letting go (eventually letting my son follow his path without trying to manage his actions and also working on a healthier life for myself) was in my experience a positive step.
Thank you, Morning Glory, for the share. Very meaningful and loving.
Thank you, Morning Glory, for the share. Very meaningful and loving.
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory 
Personally I have never really cared about statistics or what anyone has told me. I've always tried to live in the "now" and make my decisions based on what was happening at the time. I am glad that others shared their experience and advice from every angle. It gave me courage and a lot to consider when I had to make a really hard decision. What anyone believes in is none of my business. I don't have to walk in their shoes. I don't have to live with their consequences. I make choices that I can live with. This is an extremely personal journey with a lot at stake for each person involved.
There are no guarantees with addiction. It carries it's own high risk that is outside of my control. I can only try to do the next right thing. That might be different for each situation and for each individual person.
There are no guarantees with addiction. It carries it's own high risk that is outside of my control. I can only try to do the next right thing. That might be different for each situation and for each individual person.
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The author seems to be saying what she has heard from others and heard from professionals and then she made the choice to follow that advice. I have heard the same things from others and professionals. I always make my own decisions based on all the information I have.
If I am in a safe situation, which was rare with my son's addiction, I try to make a decision on what might best help him. I always tried helping first. Sitting in ERs detoxing. Helping him get into treatment. Being a part of the family meetings and visiting weekly.
If I am in an unsafe situation which was almost always with my son I have to make a decision that protects me from harm and hopefully it will help him also. Living a life with an addicted child is extremely hard. I had to realize that my life also counts and I am also a human that needs to live and stay alive.
If I am in a safe situation, which was rare with my son's addiction, I try to make a decision on what might best help him. I always tried helping first. Sitting in ERs detoxing. Helping him get into treatment. Being a part of the family meetings and visiting weekly.
If I am in an unsafe situation which was almost always with my son I have to make a decision that protects me from harm and hopefully it will help him also. Living a life with an addicted child is extremely hard. I had to realize that my life also counts and I am also a human that needs to live and stay alive.
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I highly doubt any licensed professionals, except perhaps "drug counselors" who have no higher than an associates degree in most states, give such advice anymore. That is based on old school thinking before addiction science became a real field of study. In fact, "in 2006, the Cochrane Library, a health care research group, reviewed four decades of global alcohol treatment studies and concluded, 'No experimental studies unequivocally demonstrated the effectiveness of AA or TSF approaches for reducing alcohol dependence or problems.' Despite that research, A.A.’s 12-step model is by far the dominant approach to addiction in America." http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/06/ny...tion.html?_r=0 The same conclusion for the effectiveness of Al-anon/Nar-anon is also gleaned in the research. This is not to say, of course, that these programs cannot or should not be credited for people's success fighting addiction, but any professional worth his salt in the field of addiction science would not make the claim at issue.
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P.S. Perhaps the way I regard the term "professional" is different from yours, MG, hence the difference in opinion. I always use the term, when using the noun form, to mean a person who belongs to or engages in one of the professions (lawyer, medical doctor, PhD, etc.). Maybe I am pedantic, but I am a lawyer.
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I do agree with you on what a professional is and I did hear it from professionals within 2 years.
I really have no opinion on what's right or wrong or what works and doesn't work. I read this letter and the focus of what I felt was how heartbreaking it is to have to make these decisions with your child. Many of us here have had to do that.
I really have no opinion on what's right or wrong or what works and doesn't work. I read this letter and the focus of what I felt was how heartbreaking it is to have to make these decisions with your child. Many of us here have had to do that.
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"I do agree with you on what a professional is and I did hear it from professionals within 2 years. "
Well, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen if the addict commits suicide. Absolutes have no place in medicine/science. I'm flabbergasted a professional would say "Almost always this works" when there is no data supporting such an affirmative conclusion.
Well, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen if the addict commits suicide. Absolutes have no place in medicine/science. I'm flabbergasted a professional would say "Almost always this works" when there is no data supporting such an affirmative conclusion.
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P.S. It would be one thing to say "plenty of anecdotal evidence exists that your loved one will get better" or "I know many families have found this to work" but to say "there is a far greater chance... Almost always, this works" is another thing altogether. I'm just shocked, Morning Glory!
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory
I read this letter and the focus of what I felt was how heartbreaking it is to have to make these decisions with your child. Many of us here have had to do that.
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I haven't posted in awhile, but today..whattaya know....I read this very first post. Soooo needed this today. After 2 1/2 years, I saw my addicted/recovering son for the first time. He is living in a homeless shelter and reestablished contact with the family through email. That was months ago and others have seen him, but emotionally I was not ready. Today I took the leap and spent the day with him. Took him to pay off a court fine..his money.. Took him to lunch....my treat. Went to Walmart to buy a winter coat, boots, gloves and hat.... My treat. Back to the mission. He is 42 years old and has delt with this addiction for half his life. It has been a horrendous experience for all of us. He's very sad because he hasn't seen his four children since April. I don't think he got it when I said "I know how you feel.. I haven't seen you, my son, for 2 1/2 years." He is sober now and receiving psychiatric treatment for bipolar and personality disorder.
Morning Glory, I completely understand how you feel about the "letting go." It's the hardest thing in the world do. We as mothers are hard wired to take care of and make happy our children. There is nothing harder than walking away and letting the chips fall as they may. There is a better chance our children will recover if we walk away. We have stayed by their sides for 20 years and the addiction also stayed. Those who argue about this not being a professional opinion or statement needs to walk in my shoes for 22 years.
Kudos to you Morning Glory. I had to do the same and it nearly killed me. However, not being wound up in his addiction and possibly recovery has set me free and I'm praying it will do the same for him. Allowing him to reach a "bottom" has been heart wrenching. Feeling a kinship with you Morning Glory....you did good, girl! Praying for our children and practicing the "mercy" our Pope has called us to.
Morning Glory, I completely understand how you feel about the "letting go." It's the hardest thing in the world do. We as mothers are hard wired to take care of and make happy our children. There is nothing harder than walking away and letting the chips fall as they may. There is a better chance our children will recover if we walk away. We have stayed by their sides for 20 years and the addiction also stayed. Those who argue about this not being a professional opinion or statement needs to walk in my shoes for 22 years.
Kudos to you Morning Glory. I had to do the same and it nearly killed me. However, not being wound up in his addiction and possibly recovery has set me free and I'm praying it will do the same for him. Allowing him to reach a "bottom" has been heart wrenching. Feeling a kinship with you Morning Glory....you did good, girl! Praying for our children and practicing the "mercy" our Pope has called us to.
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The /your letter to your addicted child was what I needed to read today as it speaks to me deeply and how I am feeling about my beautiful and talented adult daughter who I love dearly, but must let go of. The disconnections we have experienced over the years as a result of her addiction to alcohol (although she believes it is always my fault) is heart-breaking. This is the letter, but in my words, that I need to write to her.Thank you.
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When I read your reply to Morning Glory, as a newcomer to this forum, my eyes fill with tears of grief, for myself and all the caring mothers, and our beautiful children who are addicted. Of course, we as mothers also play our parts in the drama, but I'm planning to play on a different stage from now on, and hopefully, it will help my daughter.
Until recently, I've never experienced or known an intimate other to change from a loving disposition one minute to a personna that is abusive after a drink or two. I'm just now coming to the realisation that she could have developed a mental disorder that was not so evident until recently.
Until recently, I've never experienced or known an intimate other to change from a loving disposition one minute to a personna that is abusive after a drink or two. I'm just now coming to the realisation that she could have developed a mental disorder that was not so evident until recently.
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Dearest Sun. Believe that I know exactly how you are feeling right now, telling yourself 'If only......I could get her to get a good job.....get a car to get to work....drop that particularly bad influence friend....go to AA meetings.....and on and on and on.' There are so many 'if onlys' and none of those are your concerns. It took me years and years to finally "let go and let God." I had to visually imagine wrapping my baby boy in his favorite blanket and raising him up to God's arms. It may sound a bit goofy, but that visualization, accompanied with prayer, helped me to step back and allow this addiction to fail or thrive. When he asks for help or a place to live I must say no. Oh I still cry and have trouble negotiating through the grief and pain.... And a little guilt, but I say this to myself over and over. "Mom, you are helping him, by not being there to enable him." I practice that phrase over and over. Don't beat yourself up for having difficulty separating yourself from her addition. This takes time and is the hardest thing to do. Sending prayers to you .
From this mom to you
From this mom to you
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