Surprise! Your husband and father to your son is addicted to alcohol and cocaine
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Surprise! Your husband and father to your son is addicted to alcohol and cocaine
I don't even know where to start, I have been with my husband for just over 3 years I married him last August and we have a 1 year old son. I found a tube with white residue in the pocket of his pants when I was doing laundry. I tried to get it tested but unless I wanted to take it the police no one would do it.
I confronted him about it the next day, and eventually he confessed that he has been using cocaine throughout our whole relationship, he admitted he used it half out of the last 25 days...and that he buys a 2/6 of Rum every 3 days along with flats of beer.
WHAT THE HELL just happened to my life? I don't want to be selfish I get that this is about him, but....he married me and had a child with me without telling me he was addicted to cocaine and alcohol?! I feel so betrayed. I told him I wanted to work on it and get him help....but I honestly don't know if I am strong enough, this is not the life I wanted, nor the life I wanted for my son, I mean I can't even run to the store for milk and leave my baby with his father anymore? Life just got 100times more difficult.
Do you ever get the trust back? He wants to go to al anon, and get a sponser and even tell his dad, he said he felt that way when he got high on my birthday after I went to bed. He hid it from my stupid naive butt for 3 years. I actually thought he just had ADHD because he was an energetic person. I am soo dumb!
I know nothing about drugs, I honestly just thought when he was being weird that he was just kinda weird sometimes like...I just thought this was who he was.
He said hes willing to get help, but I mean, do we just live life normally for now? I don't even know where to start, I just thought this would never ever happen this stuff was only for TV.
Sorry for this I just, I can't tell anyone, who am I supposed to talk to?
I confronted him about it the next day, and eventually he confessed that he has been using cocaine throughout our whole relationship, he admitted he used it half out of the last 25 days...and that he buys a 2/6 of Rum every 3 days along with flats of beer.
WHAT THE HELL just happened to my life? I don't want to be selfish I get that this is about him, but....he married me and had a child with me without telling me he was addicted to cocaine and alcohol?! I feel so betrayed. I told him I wanted to work on it and get him help....but I honestly don't know if I am strong enough, this is not the life I wanted, nor the life I wanted for my son, I mean I can't even run to the store for milk and leave my baby with his father anymore? Life just got 100times more difficult.
Do you ever get the trust back? He wants to go to al anon, and get a sponser and even tell his dad, he said he felt that way when he got high on my birthday after I went to bed. He hid it from my stupid naive butt for 3 years. I actually thought he just had ADHD because he was an energetic person. I am soo dumb!
I know nothing about drugs, I honestly just thought when he was being weird that he was just kinda weird sometimes like...I just thought this was who he was.
He said hes willing to get help, but I mean, do we just live life normally for now? I don't even know where to start, I just thought this would never ever happen this stuff was only for TV.
Sorry for this I just, I can't tell anyone, who am I supposed to talk to?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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LacyEnglish...
Welcome to the Board. I'm really very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you to us, but I'm also thankful you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by in due course to greet you and offer feedback and support. Until they do, I'd like to share some of my own thoughts.
What just happened was you got hit by a truck going 100 MPH. Your story is depressingly similar to what we often see here: a woman marries a man, has a kid, and then she finds out her husband been using drugs all this time. It happens all the time. So, yes, it is a betrayal. And yes, this isn't the life you want. As for what to do...it's important right now that you keep your head on your shoulders. You have to learn about what you're up against, and you can do that by doing a lot of reading here. Only then can you make the best possible decisions you can for yourself and your son. And you need to be prepared for the possibility that those decisions are ones you don't want to make, but have to.
Anyways, I'm glad you're here. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm really very sorry for the circumstances that have brought you to us, but I'm also thankful you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by in due course to greet you and offer feedback and support. Until they do, I'd like to share some of my own thoughts.
WHAT THE HELL just happened to my life? I don't want to be selfish I get that this is about him, but....he married me and had a child with me without telling me he was addicted to cocaine and alcohol?! I feel so betrayed. I told him I wanted to work on it and get him help....but I honestly don't know if I am strong enough, this is not the life I wanted, nor the life I wanted for my son, I mean I can't even run to the store for milk and leave my baby with his father anymore? Life just got 100times more difficult.
Anyways, I'm glad you're here. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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WHAT THE HELL just happened to my life? I don't want to be selfish I get that this is about him, but....he married me and had a child with me without telling me he was addicted to cocaine and alcohol?! I feel so betrayed.
Addict behavior is all about lying, manipulating, all that dark stuff that when the light shines on it, it scurries all around looking for the darkness again. He said he wants help because he got caught, what else is he to say? And al-anon is for loved ones and friends of alcoholics, al-anon would be the place for you to seek support NOT HIM. He needs a place that address alcohol and drug abuse. He may need to go to detox, a long term rehab because he has a dual addiction.
Do you ever get the trust back?
I would suggest that you read the posts and stickies here on SR, look for an al-anon meeting in your area and research as much as you can about addiction and addict behavior.
And I do hope you stick around and keep posting, lots of great people here who have gone through exactly what you are going through.
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Oh my God I have been reading some of these threads, and I can honestly say there is no way on earth I can do this! But he isn't this person he goes to work every day, he pays the bills I am a stay at home mom, he puts my son down for naps, he offers to watch him so I can go do my own thing...(which of course I can never do again now that I know) . I wanted a partner when I got married, I didn't want someone else I had to babysit and watch his every move, and hide my finances from him and no no thats not partnership. I am sooo scared!
Do you really think he is only saying he wants help because he got caught? He talks about he alcohol and said he will give me his debit and credit cards and as long as he has gas in his tank he doesn't need money. I am not willing to be lied to and manipulated everyday. I love him, but my baby will always come first. Addicts I am reading put no one first except their addictions. OMG how does this happen?! He spent like $2000 this last month in booze and drugs...and yet we have been fighting about bills because i thought we were fighting about bills, and yet we were fighting about his use of money and I had no idea.
Do you really think he is only saying he wants help because he got caught? He talks about he alcohol and said he will give me his debit and credit cards and as long as he has gas in his tank he doesn't need money. I am not willing to be lied to and manipulated everyday. I love him, but my baby will always come first. Addicts I am reading put no one first except their addictions. OMG how does this happen?! He spent like $2000 this last month in booze and drugs...and yet we have been fighting about bills because i thought we were fighting about bills, and yet we were fighting about his use of money and I had no idea.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Do you really think he is only saying he wants help because he got caught?
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
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Welcome to SoberRecovery, Lacy! I am sure you will find a lot of support and information here.
I am an addict in recovery for over four years. There came a point when I was ready to change, and I made the changes Zoso mentioned: stopped using, sought treatment, and worked a program. If you see your husband making these changes, there is hope for recovery.
I am an addict in recovery for over four years. There came a point when I was ready to change, and I made the changes Zoso mentioned: stopped using, sought treatment, and worked a program. If you see your husband making these changes, there is hope for recovery.
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Lacy, hi. I'm sorry you are having to come to terms with this. It's heartbreaking for all of us who do.
Addiction is a progressive thing; meaning it will get worse unless he quits. The lies and the manipulation will ramp up now that you know what you know.
My husband (ex) also married me with these big lies. He was an alcoholic and a regular cocaine user and he smoked a lot of pot, and God knows what else. Only thing I knew is that he drank (I did too.) I didn't know to what degree.
He managed to stay working for three years and then I found out he also was in debt to the IRS for over $100,000. That was the last straw. He had married me without telling me any of this. The entire marriage was a battle. He was gone all the time, he lied, there was no intimacy and he was controlling. I finally just gave up and asked him to leave. We were divorced about six months later.
His life continued to spiral down after that, he was homeless and lost his small business and then was fired from two subsequent jobs. "Functioning" turns into not functioning - and there is no way to predict the time line.
I was also blindsided, as many of us are - I feel your fear and we stand with you. I hope you'll think only of your precious child and yourself and not get sucked any further into this. There is life out here, without being attached to the crazy.
Addiction is a progressive thing; meaning it will get worse unless he quits. The lies and the manipulation will ramp up now that you know what you know.
My husband (ex) also married me with these big lies. He was an alcoholic and a regular cocaine user and he smoked a lot of pot, and God knows what else. Only thing I knew is that he drank (I did too.) I didn't know to what degree.
He managed to stay working for three years and then I found out he also was in debt to the IRS for over $100,000. That was the last straw. He had married me without telling me any of this. The entire marriage was a battle. He was gone all the time, he lied, there was no intimacy and he was controlling. I finally just gave up and asked him to leave. We were divorced about six months later.
His life continued to spiral down after that, he was homeless and lost his small business and then was fired from two subsequent jobs. "Functioning" turns into not functioning - and there is no way to predict the time line.
I was also blindsided, as many of us are - I feel your fear and we stand with you. I hope you'll think only of your precious child and yourself and not get sucked any further into this. There is life out here, without being attached to the crazy.
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Hi Bimini blue...that is legitimately my worst fear. I am terrified of this. my son always comes first. I have escape options and I will not be getting rid of my bank account like I had planned. I will be putting money in there for if I need it....but is this really the life I have to have? I don't want to do that. I want to put money aside for a vacation or a boat, or friggen curtains, something normal not an escape plan from my addicted husband omg.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Lacy, welcome to this board,
I was so sorry to read what you're going through. At this point, I don't have a lot of advice (I have only been here a very short while myself), but there's a couple of things I want to let you know:
First and foremost: You've absolutely not been dumb
You're not alone, the people on this forum are some of the most supportive and insightful people I have ever come in contact with
Sending you lots of love, empathy and support
I was so sorry to read what you're going through. At this point, I don't have a lot of advice (I have only been here a very short while myself), but there's a couple of things I want to let you know:
First and foremost: You've absolutely not been dumb
You're not alone, the people on this forum are some of the most supportive and insightful people I have ever come in contact with
Sending you lots of love, empathy and support
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Lacy, hang with us here. Post and let it all out. I hope you will find the strength to tell your friends and family what you have discovered and that you can get some face to face support, whether that's a counselor, your pastor, or a recovery group for the family of addicts like Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery or similar. You deserve a peaceful life. I don't know if he will just give it up - - but of course that's a possibility we all pray for.
When we got divorced, that was the impetus for me to quit drinking and get into therapy. I changed my whole life for the better. It was one of the biggest positive turning points of my life when I stood up for myself and got out.
When we got divorced, that was the impetus for me to quit drinking and get into therapy. I changed my whole life for the better. It was one of the biggest positive turning points of my life when I stood up for myself and got out.
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What gets me is how well he functions like this. The alcohol I have seen getting worse, apparently he moved to my city to get away from drugs and alcohol in the first place, he met me only 9months later, me being the girl who went to church every Sunday, recently got back from missions trips throughout Asia, working towards my degree to work with children with disabilities, not sleeping around, avoiding scummy men....pretty much the most naive person ever apparently, I didnt know what to look for, and never would have crossed my mind to look for anything...he looked like a breath of fresh air, he was shy and cute, and was responsible with money (so I thought), he visited his grandma in the seniors home frequently, we would go see his family ALL the time.
he barely drank then, wouldn't have more then 1 drink with me, I thought that odd and even remember saying come on have some drinks with me! He did. He met some boys from work and they just drank and drank and drank together, he has been distancing himself from them for months, I have seen that, which is a good sign I think.
But I didn't know! I caught him with marijuana and was planning on leaving him but he promised to quit, and me being really not okay with weed but knowing its not a super addictive drug thought he would. I have caught him with it at least 3 times since, and know he did it and hid it a lot, but shoot I thought that was my biggest problem, cocaine? thats a big friggen deal! Its also super expensive! We have such a nice life, we just bought our first home just over a year ago, we have a little dog and a 1 yr old....wth how do I just walk away? If I don't walk away will he actually fix this? Can he fix this? Its called addiction for a reason...its addicting, and he has an addictive personality. He says the cocaine isn't a big deal it will go away when he stops drinking....but really is that true? Cocaine is a super addictive drug so I don't know if I believe that. Maybe he is saying that in truth, or he really wants to believe that himself, or he isn't willing to give it up only booze. I have no idea
he barely drank then, wouldn't have more then 1 drink with me, I thought that odd and even remember saying come on have some drinks with me! He did. He met some boys from work and they just drank and drank and drank together, he has been distancing himself from them for months, I have seen that, which is a good sign I think.
But I didn't know! I caught him with marijuana and was planning on leaving him but he promised to quit, and me being really not okay with weed but knowing its not a super addictive drug thought he would. I have caught him with it at least 3 times since, and know he did it and hid it a lot, but shoot I thought that was my biggest problem, cocaine? thats a big friggen deal! Its also super expensive! We have such a nice life, we just bought our first home just over a year ago, we have a little dog and a 1 yr old....wth how do I just walk away? If I don't walk away will he actually fix this? Can he fix this? Its called addiction for a reason...its addicting, and he has an addictive personality. He says the cocaine isn't a big deal it will go away when he stops drinking....but really is that true? Cocaine is a super addictive drug so I don't know if I believe that. Maybe he is saying that in truth, or he really wants to believe that himself, or he isn't willing to give it up only booze. I have no idea
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He is supposed to go out of town in a month for work, stay in our trailer on a campsite with his friends who all drink and smoke pot, last year he was smoking pot out there the whole time, and I went to visit him 9 months pregnant knowing in my heart he was smoking but not wanting to admit it. Now its a much bigger deal then him having a joint around the fire with his buds, its him doing a line in his trailer and drinking.
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Pot is every bit as dangerous a drug as any of them - they all are part of the addict's illness. He's in pretty deep, Lacy. I'm sure he will downplay the seriousness of it and will try to say pot isn't addictive, but read through the Marijuana forum here - and I would suggest you read through the Alcoholism threads and Newcomers, too. I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I know the mindset.
The cocaine is a whole other demon and the fact he already did one "geographic cure" just before he met you means there is a whole lot more to this story than you are aware of. It's been going on for many years.
Him saying he hasn't used for two days? What do you think about that? It's not easy to quit drinking - never mind cocaine, there are serious withdrawals when quitting alcohol, I doubt he just cold-turkey quit. If he did, he certainly would not be acting all sugar and spice, he would be fidgety, irritable, sick. If he's not, then he's still using something.
And yeah, that upcoming trip is going to be a party. Addicts don't just randomly quit and then start up again, there are noticeable physical consequences to withdrawing substances and then starting up again. It's dangerous and difficult.
The cocaine is a whole other demon and the fact he already did one "geographic cure" just before he met you means there is a whole lot more to this story than you are aware of. It's been going on for many years.
Him saying he hasn't used for two days? What do you think about that? It's not easy to quit drinking - never mind cocaine, there are serious withdrawals when quitting alcohol, I doubt he just cold-turkey quit. If he did, he certainly would not be acting all sugar and spice, he would be fidgety, irritable, sick. If he's not, then he's still using something.
And yeah, that upcoming trip is going to be a party. Addicts don't just randomly quit and then start up again, there are noticeable physical consequences to withdrawing substances and then starting up again. It's dangerous and difficult.
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This sounds like some crazy tv show, it is much bigger then I ever knew, when he moved here he told all his family about the cocaine, but no one told me anything they let him drink around them a lot they let me have a kid with him and marry him. Could they have really been that naive they thought he was just better? Or maybe it would be a red flag when he was asking his dad to bring over a 2/6 all the time. Why did no one tell me to worry about this. His dad gave up alcohol when he was younger because he was addicted to, so addicted that when he gave it up he had such a bad withdrawal he had a seizure in the car driving the kids to school. How could he not see the signs with his own son?
He did tell me he didn't do anything, but there was also a noticeable difference to how he was acting, he has been working ridiculous 12+hrs a day at work no time off for the past month, coming home super grumpy, not eating the dinner I made him, starting arguments, pacing the kitchen, going to bed ridiculously late, and going out to the garage all the time to make drinks...and apparently to snort coke....where as yesterday I confronted him as soon as he came home and he stayed in bed all night. The day before he played with his son, and then sat on the couch and relaxed with me and went to bed early. He was normal again.
He did tell me he didn't do anything, but there was also a noticeable difference to how he was acting, he has been working ridiculous 12+hrs a day at work no time off for the past month, coming home super grumpy, not eating the dinner I made him, starting arguments, pacing the kitchen, going to bed ridiculously late, and going out to the garage all the time to make drinks...and apparently to snort coke....where as yesterday I confronted him as soon as he came home and he stayed in bed all night. The day before he played with his son, and then sat on the couch and relaxed with me and went to bed early. He was normal again.
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I just wanted to add that maybe he wasn't using very much alcohol and is able to quit easily.
Just isn't real likely.
I used to cut back on my drinking when I went to visit my parents for a week at a time, but I still would have a couple every day to keep on an even keel.
Just isn't real likely.
I used to cut back on my drinking when I went to visit my parents for a week at a time, but I still would have a couple every day to keep on an even keel.
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The option about the trip we came up with is buying a bigger trailer and me joining him for the summer. Not that I am really excited about that I have friends and mom groups here where as I will be super isolated out there, but I don't trust him on his own, and we need the job as it concretes a real future for his career.
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His family may be in denial - most families don't want to admit one of their own is an alcoholic/addict. Plus now he's your responsibility instead of theirs. You probably are a good influence on him, and they want that, I would think. They really are not looking out for you - they are hoping you will help him stay on a good path. It still could go that way.
Just don't put all your eggs in that basket.
Just don't put all your eggs in that basket.
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Originally Posted by LacyEnglish 
But he isn't this person he goes to work every day, he pays the bills
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Read what you can, take a break from it when its overwhelming. Learn all you can because the words of others here are very very wise and supportive.
No one can tell you when you have had "enough", but right now, support is key. Alanon is a great suggestion. Take care of yourself and your baby now. First and foremost. Decisions do not need to be made in an instant. One day at a time, just like with a recovering addict.
People can and DO recover, but NOT because we want them to, or love them enough (If only!). There is always hope, but you and your child need to be safe and have peace. After our 1st 18 years (of a lot of hell)together, my DH got clean and has been for the 11 years since. It IS possible, but only if they truly want it. Don't lose yourself in the process. I sure did
Take care of you. It's only after spending the last 10 years of this with my sadly now Heroin/crack, etc. addicted son, that I am FINALLY starting to get it (slow learner). I finally realize that my life and my happiness are MY choices, and not waiting to see what others will do.Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you found us. I wish I had many many years ago. HUGS!
WWD
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