LacyEnglish

Thank you for your support guys. I am one of those people that needs to talk things through, and I have no one I can talk to yet, so I appreciate it.

AnvilheadII

it's a lot to take in. when everything you thought you knew turns out to be a lie.

atalose

I really don't know which is worse, to be a drug addict or to love one. Both stink and both can destroy you.

Keep posting, keep asking questions here and try and learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behavior.

LacyEnglish

It is a lot, I have been walking around in a daze unable to think about anything else...the thought your husband is a cocaine addict runs through my head all day.

LacyEnglish

Right now it looks like we are on day 3 so far. We went out to eat as soon as he came home from work, because the first thing he would do after work is make a drink. He has been talking about it with me openly, and his dad is coming over after work tomorrow so we can tell him.

IDK things feel positive? He said his body just feels better already, and my knowing is a weight off his shoulders, he feels like he can move forward, and he is glad he was caught.

Yet still unbearable, I am thinking that it is so much to take in, that my mind can't even take it all in properly.

If this sounds familiar to you please tell me, I am done being naive. I want to trust him, but really I have no reason to.

LacyEnglish

He has not gone to AA yet or anything like that, but he said he wants to ask his dad about it because his dad has gone through it. So I am still waiting to see him go.

hopeful4

His body is going to be screaming for alcohol/and or/drugs very soon. He is going to need more help than I would say AA can give him if he is a long time cocaine abuser, and that is a lot of booze he was having.

I would really be considering inpatient rehab right now. That is just my two cents.

I am really sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. This is a place of great support. Don't forget to take good care of you and your sweet baby.

Many hugs!

AnvilheadII

remember - this is the first time you've KNOWN about his use - trust me this is NOT his FIRST day 3. of course he feels "better" - hell i always felt great on day 3 - so great in fact that it didn't take much at all to think "well hey, that wasn't so bad, i think we oughta celebrate a little, eh???".

not trying to be a debbie downer. i just want you to stay as neutral as possible here. keep those hopes in check. he still hasn't DONE anything to address the problem besides not use AS FAR AS YOU KNOW for a couple of days. today IS Friday after all...........

LacyEnglish

So true you guys, it is going to be harder on the weekends absolutely. he always drinks more on the weekends.

My biggest concern right now, with my very little knowledge of drugs, and addictions, is that he doesn't seem to think cocaine is an issue at all. I told you he admitted to using it 13 days of a 25 day stretch. It is highly addictive, but he seems to blow it off when I talk about it, he says if he isn't drunk he would never consider doing it....but I mean, he is probably buying it sober, so the thought obviously crosses his mind. He wont go to NA because he says he isn't a junky and he's not addicted to it. He say's his problem is booze. He quits booze and coke will go with it...

thoughts?

hopeful4

My thought is that the recovery rate for alcoholics and drug abusers alike is low unless you are willing to make a HUGE commitment to it. And you have to bring yourself around to the fact that he could relapse, even after years of sobriety. Now would be a good time for you to have face to face support as well.

I think that can be through intensive counseling later, but even alcohol addiction may take inpatient rehab. If you go that route, investigate the place, there is a very big difference in the services you get from one place to another. Disclose the cocaine use as well, so they can treat both.

If you don't go that route, I am remembering someone on here years ago had a sober coach that they hired. Actually, their work hired them. It was not just a counselor you would see so often, it was intensive, but still allowed the person to work and do other things while receiving treatment.

I personally think programs like AA and Celebrate Recovery are wonderful, I think they are a supplement to getting that initial first help. Just my two cents.

I know you are overwhelmed right now. Just remember, this is not a race, it's your life. You don't have to make decisions all at once, it really is a day at a time, and sometimes a moment at a time.

LacyEnglish

Problem with that is if he goes to rehab we will lose our home, because we can't afford it without him getting a paycheque. I am a stay at home mom, my matt leave is up in about a month, I can go back to work but, I work in the school district, my job would be done for the summer after like 3 weeks of working. So not very useful, also no one would accept him into daycare this late in the game. He also would not get his job back after, sure they can't fire him for it, but they just wont give him work, his job is all about playing the game.

I know its not a race an all, but I am not willing to dedicate decades of my life to this. Is that selfish? This isn't what I signed up for when I met him. But we have such a good life, and I can't imagine moving him to supervised meetings with his son once a week. I kept the cocaine evidence and will use it in court if I have too, he wont be allowed to keep my kid overnight.

I am all over the place sorry.

He also doesn't seem to think he needs rehab, he thinks AA is enough, because that is what his dad did....pretty sure his dad wasn't addicted to coke though.

incomprehesible

I’m with Anvilhead here based on my experience with a cocaine user and heavy drinker and the things I discovered and learnt after I started putting two and two together. I don’t want to put a downer on hope, but at this point, this sounds like denial, diversion and excuses to me. I heard everything from “once I go back to the gym, I’ll stop with the coke automatically” to “I am unhappy in the house, once I have moved, I will stop”, and “I’m not addicted, it’s just current circumstances, I can take it or leave it really”. Like atalose, I also then witnessed “a guy who gets scarier and less recognisable as time goes on”.

Trust your instincts and first and foremost look after yourself and your child. I can understand what an incredibly emotional and overwhelming time this is for you. I found that seeing a therapist and talking to experienced people was really helping me see through what was a totally unexpected shock similar to yours and slowly allowed me to take the decisions I needed and wanted to take in my own time.

I am thinking of you lots. Biggest hugs.

LacyEnglish

Sigh it does sound like denial doesn't it. He keeps just living life like nothing happened, we are looking at buying a trailer today. Which my regular instinct would be to refuse to spend big money with someone I just found out is an addict. But I also think I can take that trailer to my parents property and live in it with my son if I have to leave.

Here it is, on here, it's a big deal, I mean he has been using coke for a really long time, and you guys are giving me super advice and I really appreciate it, but what you guys are saying makes it sound soooo BIG and when its just him and I, it seems smaller, like he just needs AA and to quit booze. Me having been in the dark for the entire relationship this is the only man I know, so Idk is it less of a big deal then I feel it is with you guys on here? or is that naivety and its him who's not taking this as seriously as he should, if he actually wanted to quit?

UGH! I hate being an addicts wife.

LacyEnglish

I really hope I am not annoying you guys by asking 3000 questions this stupid addiction seems to have taken over my entire life already.

another one though, should I be pushing the coke thing more? Or since he has agreed to work on alcohol right now, is that enough for right now?

atalose

My ex would also feel much better after he was caught and could talk openly about it, all the guilt he was carrying around was lifted off his shoulders, one less thing he could absolve himself from. His body also would feel better, he would eat better and talk better where everything he said sounded positive and good. His manipulation tactics kicked into high gear as well as his logistical tactics on hiding the drugs better. When in fact all he was doing was taking less pills because he was able to manage his addiction for a bit 3 days – 5 days 7 days – 2 weeks until the managing of it was no longer in his control and it became obvious he was using again. My ex would even flush his pills down the toilet in front of me in an attempt to convince me he was serious about quitting. It took me a while to catch on to that one but the reason he so easily flushed a bottle of pills down the toilet was because he had at least 2, 3 or 4 more hidden someplace.

Like Anvilhead said don’t want to be a debbie downer but you asked if what he is doing sounded familiar and I must say……….eerily familiar. I guess my drug-a-meter would be asking…….where’s the stash that goes with that plastic pen tube you found?

atalose

Of course he says the problem is booze because he doesn’t want to give up the coke, typical addict tactic, get you to focus on the alcohol so that his true love (coke) can be protected.

atalose

And he/you will lose all of that and more if he doesn’t properly address his addiction.

Whitewingeddove

To be perfectly blunt...This is definitely a big deal, on or off these forums. Here you are being told the reality from so many others who have been where you are today. When it's just the two of you, you are letting yourself hope that somehow your situation is not as bad or is "different"...Oh hon, it's not. So many red flags here.
Please do not make such big financial decisions right now. You mentioned he cannot go to rehab right now because you can't afford it. Why then would you consider taking on even more debt? Are you trying to distract yourself from what's going on here? I'm sorry to sound so very blunt. But this is the reality you are dealing with....

LacyEnglish

I appreciate the honesty, like I said I am done being naive and I need to know whether i am in this or if I am getting out. So if he isn't serious, I am out. So I do appreciate it, whether its what I want to hear or not.

I guess I just have to wait it out for a couple weeks and see then I guess, see if he is making changes, see if he keeps coming to bed with me, see if he has unusual energy and dilated pupils.

The more I talk about it, the more I want out. I do not want to think about my husbands coke use every day. I do not want to have to take my son with me everywhere because I cant leave him with his father, I do not want to give up my entire life because I don't have a partner I have another person to take care of. If I have to live like a single mom, I might as well be.

LacyEnglish

The only reason we would be considering the trailer is because I would use it if I left him. I would put it on my parents property and use it as a home. It's also because my husband has to go out of town in a month and stay in a trailer, this way I would come with him, to sigh...watch him I guess.