Surprise! Your husband and father to your son is addicted to alcohol and cocaine
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Lacy. I answered your thread in the substance abuse forum too...but I just noticed your thread here and thought I'd chip in some more.
Addicts that are trying to get clean and sober need to be held accountable somehow. And, if they are SERIOUS about this they KNOW they need to be held accountable.
BUT: It would be a big huge drain on you if you are the only/main one holding him accountable. This is where Alanon or Naranon could be of real help to you. Co-dependents can get into a pattern of "policing" the addict. And that's ultimately not healthy for yourself. You need to be free to enjoy life, not spending time/energy in policing your husband's behavior, regardless of what that behavior is. Being a true partner, yes, does involve a certain amount of both having ownership in the partnership and if one is not pulling the weight as in being "equally yoked" it causes problems in the partnership. Same holds true if one partner works all the time while the other plays...it gets old pretty quick.
If he is spending that much money on booze and drugs...well, that's a HUGE problem in my mind. Yeah, he makes the money right now...but if he were to continue on this path for very long his whole life will eventually start to unravel: Finances, job performance, personal relationships, being a good parent, being a good husband, everything.
Addiction tends to be progressive....it gets worse, UNLESS they stop using.
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for what brings you here, hon. You have our love and support.
Addicts that are trying to get clean and sober need to be held accountable somehow. And, if they are SERIOUS about this they KNOW they need to be held accountable.
BUT: It would be a big huge drain on you if you are the only/main one holding him accountable. This is where Alanon or Naranon could be of real help to you. Co-dependents can get into a pattern of "policing" the addict. And that's ultimately not healthy for yourself. You need to be free to enjoy life, not spending time/energy in policing your husband's behavior, regardless of what that behavior is. Being a true partner, yes, does involve a certain amount of both having ownership in the partnership and if one is not pulling the weight as in being "equally yoked" it causes problems in the partnership. Same holds true if one partner works all the time while the other plays...it gets old pretty quick.
If he is spending that much money on booze and drugs...well, that's a HUGE problem in my mind. Yeah, he makes the money right now...but if he were to continue on this path for very long his whole life will eventually start to unravel: Finances, job performance, personal relationships, being a good parent, being a good husband, everything.
Addiction tends to be progressive....it gets worse, UNLESS they stop using.
I'm glad you found us, but sorry for what brings you here, hon. You have our love and support.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 44
Well he told his father last night about everything, they are apparently going to an AA meeting tonight,
He was being an absolute ass this morning, i packed everything up the baby the dog everything and went to my mothers house...then realized that I forgot the baby formula and had to come all the way back ugh.
Now I am here and he has apologized etc. But thats how short my straw is I am ready to pack up and go over nearly anything now.
His dad was deep into alcohol for a long time, that when he chose to recover he needed to get shots so that he would not die as his body was dependant on alcohol. He even had a seizure because he did not have his booze.
He said my husband isn't nearly as addicted as he was, not as far down the rabbit hole, as its been 4 days and he doesn't have shakes or anything. So maybe he will be able to do this? IDK his dad was not addicted to cocaine which they both are making smaller and saying it wont be a problem once he gives up booze...i guess I have no choice but to hope thats true.
He was being an absolute ass this morning, i packed everything up the baby the dog everything and went to my mothers house...then realized that I forgot the baby formula and had to come all the way back ugh.
Now I am here and he has apologized etc. But thats how short my straw is I am ready to pack up and go over nearly anything now.
His dad was deep into alcohol for a long time, that when he chose to recover he needed to get shots so that he would not die as his body was dependant on alcohol. He even had a seizure because he did not have his booze.
He said my husband isn't nearly as addicted as he was, not as far down the rabbit hole, as its been 4 days and he doesn't have shakes or anything. So maybe he will be able to do this? IDK his dad was not addicted to cocaine which they both are making smaller and saying it wont be a problem once he gives up booze...i guess I have no choice but to hope thats true.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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It's been four days according to him.
Unless he is medically tested, I don't think I would be too quick to believe him, but that's just me and my years of witnessing this.
It's typical for an addict to have a back-up plan for this...such as opiates to mitigate withdrawals from alcohol. Cocaine withdrawal is pretty quick - I believe. I just have known too many alcoholics and addicts to believe this is it. I truly hope I'm wrong. It's a good sign that he told his dad, though.
The trick is long-term sobriety. I'm glad you took your baby away. More WILL be revealed.
Unless he is medically tested, I don't think I would be too quick to believe him, but that's just me and my years of witnessing this.
It's typical for an addict to have a back-up plan for this...such as opiates to mitigate withdrawals from alcohol. Cocaine withdrawal is pretty quick - I believe. I just have known too many alcoholics and addicts to believe this is it. I truly hope I'm wrong. It's a good sign that he told his dad, though.
The trick is long-term sobriety. I'm glad you took your baby away. More WILL be revealed.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good for you for packing up the baby and going to your mom's. for now that is the best, SAFEST option for YOU. only time will tell just how serious he is and how committed.
the minimizing of the coke is typical and the attitude of both your AH and his dad is rather glib. and just because he doesn't have the shakes doesn't mean he did not have an alcohol problem. we also don't know that he did not or is not supplementing with something.
this is going to take time. don't rush anything. 5 days or 15 days doesn't mean all is well. stand back and just observe.
the minimizing of the coke is typical and the attitude of both your AH and his dad is rather glib. and just because he doesn't have the shakes doesn't mean he did not have an alcohol problem. we also don't know that he did not or is not supplementing with something.
this is going to take time. don't rush anything. 5 days or 15 days doesn't mean all is well. stand back and just observe.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm coming in late on this thread but want to tell you how sorry I am for all you are going through.
You have been given some excellent advice here, especially to keep an eye on your money and if possible put it somewhere he cannot get accss to it. Experience here is that huge amounts can disappear in days, I hope that won't happen to you but please be wise and self-caring about this.
Like Advil suggested, watch from a safe distance and let time tell you how this will unfold. Not a few weeks but some quality time with quality recovery actions on his part.
I think we all here, at one time, thought "it isn't THAT bad". Yes it IS. Sadly it is often far worse than we could have imagined.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
You have been given some excellent advice here, especially to keep an eye on your money and if possible put it somewhere he cannot get accss to it. Experience here is that huge amounts can disappear in days, I hope that won't happen to you but please be wise and self-caring about this.
Like Advil suggested, watch from a safe distance and let time tell you how this will unfold. Not a few weeks but some quality time with quality recovery actions on his part.
I think we all here, at one time, thought "it isn't THAT bad". Yes it IS. Sadly it is often far worse than we could have imagined.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I have to say, as an alcoholic in recovery myself - "his addiction isn't that strong" just almost made me laugh out loud - if it wasn't so horribly sad.
The problem with addiction is that it is what it is. It can and will get worse, but if he's addicted he's addicted. There are no levels that are better than others. If he has learned over a period of many YEARS that the way to handle life is to get high? That is a very difficult hurdle for him to overcome. So difficult you cannot possibly understand as a normal person.
Prayers for you and yours.
The problem with addiction is that it is what it is. It can and will get worse, but if he's addicted he's addicted. There are no levels that are better than others. If he has learned over a period of many YEARS that the way to handle life is to get high? That is a very difficult hurdle for him to overcome. So difficult you cannot possibly understand as a normal person.
Prayers for you and yours.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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You don't think there are different levels of addiction? You're probably right I really am pretty ignorant here. But I know he isn't have any shakes and he doesn't need to get shots to keep him alive because his body needs booze or it shuts down.
I have no idea. I do know he is at AA right now though
I have no idea. I do know he is at AA right now though
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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there ARE levels of disease PROGRESSION which indicates the amount of damage done to the body and mind. but addicted is addicted is addicted. not EVERY alcoholic gets the shakes. not EVERY alcoholic acts the exact same way under the influence or during withdrawal.
the recovery process is the same tho - learning to live life on life's terms without the aid of booze or drugs. AA is an excellent place to learn how to do that. he "should" consider the recommendation of 90 in 90 - 90 meetings in 90 days. not once a week or less. that would demonstrate a wholesale commitment and allow him to truly take in the message, the program and the fellowship.
what you need to know is that he will never be able to return to drinking or using with impunity. he won't be able to moderate, or just have a drink on "special" occasions. no pot smoking, no lines on new years.
the recovery process is the same tho - learning to live life on life's terms without the aid of booze or drugs. AA is an excellent place to learn how to do that. he "should" consider the recommendation of 90 in 90 - 90 meetings in 90 days. not once a week or less. that would demonstrate a wholesale commitment and allow him to truly take in the message, the program and the fellowship.
what you need to know is that he will never be able to return to drinking or using with impunity. he won't be able to moderate, or just have a drink on "special" occasions. no pot smoking, no lines on new years.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I remember when my ex husband went to "dry out" at his dad's and he gave him a clean bill of health. All was well. He was clean and nowhere near as bad as other addicts FIL had seen. All he needed was to watch some Newt Gingrich movies.
Looking back, I'm 99.99999% sure ex was high the entire time he was there. And he's off his rocker on drugs now, 5 years later.
Not to say this is your situation, but it is the norm. Recovery usually takes multiple attempts. SERIOUS attempts. And addicts who enter recovery because they're caught, not because they came to the conclusion that they were out of control completely on their own, almost never succeed, at least not that time around.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Protect your baby, first and foremost.
Looking back, I'm 99.99999% sure ex was high the entire time he was there. And he's off his rocker on drugs now, 5 years later.
Not to say this is your situation, but it is the norm. Recovery usually takes multiple attempts. SERIOUS attempts. And addicts who enter recovery because they're caught, not because they came to the conclusion that they were out of control completely on their own, almost never succeed, at least not that time around.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Protect your baby, first and foremost.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
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My STBXAH made a big show about "slowing down" his drinking.
BUT - he said that he was going to smoke more pot to "take the edge off."
AND - nobody knew it at the time, but he was also heavily using cocaine and crack.
So I echo what others have said about focusing on the alcohol to preserve the cocaine - he cannot be trusted. AT ALL.
And you absolutely SHOULD NOT have to "babysit" him when he goes out of town, especially with a baby! You've stated that you don't want to, so don't. Either way, your presence as a babysitter does not matter - if he's serious about sobriety and recovery, he will try to carry it over in that situation; if he's not, your being there will hardly stop him from using. Addicts are VERY sneaky and skilled.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like to deal with this and have young children - things really hit the fan with my STBXAH when my youngest was under 2, although it was a long time building up to it - I remember that instead of being HAPPY when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, he felt the need to go snort coke. It's SO hard.
BUT - he said that he was going to smoke more pot to "take the edge off."
AND - nobody knew it at the time, but he was also heavily using cocaine and crack.
So I echo what others have said about focusing on the alcohol to preserve the cocaine - he cannot be trusted. AT ALL.
And you absolutely SHOULD NOT have to "babysit" him when he goes out of town, especially with a baby! You've stated that you don't want to, so don't. Either way, your presence as a babysitter does not matter - if he's serious about sobriety and recovery, he will try to carry it over in that situation; if he's not, your being there will hardly stop him from using. Addicts are VERY sneaky and skilled.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know what it's like to deal with this and have young children - things really hit the fan with my STBXAH when my youngest was under 2, although it was a long time building up to it - I remember that instead of being HAPPY when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, he felt the need to go snort coke. It's SO hard.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I'm sorry to hear what you go through. Here are some thoughts that I hope will help.
He comes from very dysfunctional family (father alcoholic) and even that his father got better, nobody told you about your husband's addiction (is it normal for them)? It's very big deal for many of us and it's complete betrayed not to tell you prior marrying him and having child with him.
Not saying to your parents means being isolated from help of sane people. He probably wants to keep you in this crazy bubble. Manipulation.
His addiction might be caused by very traumatic childhood, it won't go away after few aa meetings. He is an adult now and doesn't find his family toxic. He asks for their advise!? He is adult and he has had many years to address his issues with psychologist, aa, etc. Yet he found it easier to simply wake up in new city and hope that the addiction won't find him. Well you see what happen. The addiction doesn't disappear by moving.
Have you talked about his past with him? I'm sure there are interesting stories to be heard.
My ex moved to my city and started fresh as well. I met him 5 months after he moved to my city. He was highly successful, kind and gentle. There were red flags but I ignored them. We moved counties for work assignments. I could imagine marrying this man and having family with him. Yet once we were isolated in new country he couldn't hide buying cocaine and alcohol like before. At first I thought he is going through bad period (his father was dying), but within the next year I learned about his 15 year battle with addiction (since he was 14!), many rehabs, many failed relationships because of booze and rugs, etc. Family of his were basically alcoholics but when u met them they seemed idyllic.
I saw him overdosed, he told me scary stories how he nearly died in the past. Etc. I was so scared and in foreign country and I didn't tell my family so I was extremely isolated. I packed his bags and sent him to his family basically. At that point I was saddest I have ever been, sick physically and mentally exhausted. I started therapy and talked to my parents. I realized if I was healthy I would have kicked him out long time ago. Maybe I wouldn't even go for a second date. My ex had periods of being sober but it never lasted. Now he seems sober but I am so sad for the person he meets next. As soon as the person invites him to her life, he will destroy her. He thinks he can wake up and start sober the next day without any deeper connection why he is addicted. He just deletes everyone from his past and starts new fresh slow destruction.
Your husband behaves like nothing happens. Massive red flag. It's complete disrespect to you and your son. He has the power to destroy everything right now.
Addiction has a deep root in the past and without fundamental understanding of its cause it's hard to kick it.
Interesting link about addicted woman making promises. Listen to it. https://youtu.be/F2P3qknUN4k
He comes from very dysfunctional family (father alcoholic) and even that his father got better, nobody told you about your husband's addiction (is it normal for them)? It's very big deal for many of us and it's complete betrayed not to tell you prior marrying him and having child with him.
Not saying to your parents means being isolated from help of sane people. He probably wants to keep you in this crazy bubble. Manipulation.
His addiction might be caused by very traumatic childhood, it won't go away after few aa meetings. He is an adult now and doesn't find his family toxic. He asks for their advise!? He is adult and he has had many years to address his issues with psychologist, aa, etc. Yet he found it easier to simply wake up in new city and hope that the addiction won't find him. Well you see what happen. The addiction doesn't disappear by moving.
Have you talked about his past with him? I'm sure there are interesting stories to be heard.
My ex moved to my city and started fresh as well. I met him 5 months after he moved to my city. He was highly successful, kind and gentle. There were red flags but I ignored them. We moved counties for work assignments. I could imagine marrying this man and having family with him. Yet once we were isolated in new country he couldn't hide buying cocaine and alcohol like before. At first I thought he is going through bad period (his father was dying), but within the next year I learned about his 15 year battle with addiction (since he was 14!), many rehabs, many failed relationships because of booze and rugs, etc. Family of his were basically alcoholics but when u met them they seemed idyllic.
I saw him overdosed, he told me scary stories how he nearly died in the past. Etc. I was so scared and in foreign country and I didn't tell my family so I was extremely isolated. I packed his bags and sent him to his family basically. At that point I was saddest I have ever been, sick physically and mentally exhausted. I started therapy and talked to my parents. I realized if I was healthy I would have kicked him out long time ago. Maybe I wouldn't even go for a second date. My ex had periods of being sober but it never lasted. Now he seems sober but I am so sad for the person he meets next. As soon as the person invites him to her life, he will destroy her. He thinks he can wake up and start sober the next day without any deeper connection why he is addicted. He just deletes everyone from his past and starts new fresh slow destruction.
Your husband behaves like nothing happens. Massive red flag. It's complete disrespect to you and your son. He has the power to destroy everything right now.
Addiction has a deep root in the past and without fundamental understanding of its cause it's hard to kick it.
Interesting link about addicted woman making promises. Listen to it. https://youtu.be/F2P3qknUN4k
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by LacyEnglish 
You don't think there are different levels of addiction? You're probably right I really am pretty ignorant here. But I know he isn't have any shakes and he doesn't need to get shots to keep him alive because his body needs booze or it shuts down.
I have no idea. I do know he is at AA right now though
I have no idea. I do know he is at AA right now though
What counts now is a wholehearted wish to be clean and sober. You concentrate on the goal, not the feeling of deprivation.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I know I'm late in the game here, and you've been given already so much wise advice. A couple thoughts pop in my head.
1) People snort heroin too. White powder doesn't necessarily mean cocaine. Just because HE said it was cocaine doesn't mean that it's cocaine.
2) Your father-in-law may be trying to minimize his son's addiction for multiple reasons. The possibility of you leaving your son (in his mind) may not only be a consequence of his son's addiction, but his own (children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves). And if there is one thing an addict tries to avoid it is consequences! So of course he's going to try to put out this burning barn.
3) Never diss the power of denial. I was in denial for years about my sister's drug use. She took pot and alcohol for years- it just screwed up her brain in so many ways that it would take me days to list them all.
4) Unfortunately, my sister started her drug habit when she was in her teens, so she didn't give herself the chance to develop adult coping mechanisms. The same may also be for your husband.
5) I also thought pot "wasn't so bad." Now I know better.
6) In regards to level of addiction, I have this to say. Sometimes people say addiction is a disease. Using that metaphor, if you had cancer, even at Stage I or II, you would most likely do everything in your power to get rid of it. People willingly put themselves through chemo to eradicate it. Saying that you're just a little bit of an addict and you'll keep it at bay with moderate usage is like saying that you have skin cancer and you'll cure it with sunscreen. If you don't take care of it, it will still grow. It may take a long time, it may take a very short time, but it's still progressing.
Your husband may very well bring up the "addiction is a disease and how can you leave me when I'm sick" idea. There's a thread here that I think would be well worth your time...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
I know this is hard for you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that your son is your number one priority right now. You're doing the right thing, and as you will find out, more will be revealed.
1) People snort heroin too. White powder doesn't necessarily mean cocaine. Just because HE said it was cocaine doesn't mean that it's cocaine.
2) Your father-in-law may be trying to minimize his son's addiction for multiple reasons. The possibility of you leaving your son (in his mind) may not only be a consequence of his son's addiction, but his own (children of addicts are more likely to become addicts themselves). And if there is one thing an addict tries to avoid it is consequences! So of course he's going to try to put out this burning barn.
3) Never diss the power of denial. I was in denial for years about my sister's drug use. She took pot and alcohol for years- it just screwed up her brain in so many ways that it would take me days to list them all.
4) Unfortunately, my sister started her drug habit when she was in her teens, so she didn't give herself the chance to develop adult coping mechanisms. The same may also be for your husband.
5) I also thought pot "wasn't so bad." Now I know better.
6) In regards to level of addiction, I have this to say. Sometimes people say addiction is a disease. Using that metaphor, if you had cancer, even at Stage I or II, you would most likely do everything in your power to get rid of it. People willingly put themselves through chemo to eradicate it. Saying that you're just a little bit of an addict and you'll keep it at bay with moderate usage is like saying that you have skin cancer and you'll cure it with sunscreen. If you don't take care of it, it will still grow. It may take a long time, it may take a very short time, but it's still progressing.
Your husband may very well bring up the "addiction is a disease and how can you leave me when I'm sick" idea. There's a thread here that I think would be well worth your time...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
I know this is hard for you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that your son is your number one priority right now. You're doing the right thing, and as you will find out, more will be revealed.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Well...I haven't seen him do anything for 5 days now, he has gone to aa once and church with me this morning,
We have been spending nearly every minute together, but when we needed baby formula I didn't want to wake up my baby so I sent him. I don't want to be his babysitter so what choice do I have? I just have to hope that he isn't using? ..I guess I have no way of knowing. That's the **** part idk how deep it is. Idk if he actually does coke only when drunk, and he hasn't had a drink in 5 days, we go to bed at the same time every night now. Ita been nice we do a lot more and he just drunks a ton of coffee now lol its how he is replacing booze I guess.
Yah his childhood wasn't the best for sure. But it's not like he grew up in the ghetto of Detroit anything.
Sometimes I imagine taking my kiddo and starting over in some small town somewhere...then I think I have watched too many movies lol
We have been spending nearly every minute together, but when we needed baby formula I didn't want to wake up my baby so I sent him. I don't want to be his babysitter so what choice do I have? I just have to hope that he isn't using? ..I guess I have no way of knowing. That's the **** part idk how deep it is. Idk if he actually does coke only when drunk, and he hasn't had a drink in 5 days, we go to bed at the same time every night now. Ita been nice we do a lot more and he just drunks a ton of coffee now lol its how he is replacing booze I guess.
Yah his childhood wasn't the best for sure. But it's not like he grew up in the ghetto of Detroit anything.
Sometimes I imagine taking my kiddo and starting over in some small town somewhere...then I think I have watched too many movies lol
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