Am I right? Or a terrible girlfriend?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Am I right? Or a terrible girlfriend?
Hi everyone. I have been reading threads here on Soberrecovery for over one year, and really want to thank you all for sharing your story about addition and codependency. Today I decided to start my own account and share my story. Hopefully I will recieve some advices from you, which will be greatly thankful for. Btw Im sorry if my english is bad, I am not living in an english-speaking country.
Well I'll better start by telling you that I have grown up with a father addicted to opiates, for the moment he has entered a subutex program and things starts getting better. I am the biggest sister of us siblings and has during our childhood been a sort of a therapeut to both our parents. This has resulted in me being an extremely sensitive person who always over-analyses things. I am very anxious and am eating SSRI to handle that.
One year ago I meet an ten year older man (Im 22 now), we meet in a club, he took me home, and the next day I moved in. We fell in love so hard in each other, it felt like we were crazy, or that it was a dream. We lay in bed for one week, just having sex and get to know each other. After to days he introduced me to his mother. She was very friendly, but at the end of our meeting she told me that he, my boyfriend, had a hard past consisting of a poly drug use addition, which lasted for 15 years. He had just been clean for two months. My boyfriend thought it was OK that she told me about it, given that he pointed out clearly that his addiction was a part of his past and over. Given that I have an addicted father that I love unconditionally, I could not judge my boyfriend for his past.
The problem was that he was not clean. He had just quitted opiates and hasch. He was still on benzodiazepines, which he convinced me was not that serious and that he could even stop taking them whenever he wanted to. His family thought he was all clean.
The weeks went on, and so did his addiction. After two weeks did he take so much benzo's every day he got home from work that all he could do was sleep,sleep,sleep. He started getting aggressive at me questioning him, and the fourth week into our relationship he dumped me. Then I did not hear a word from him in two months. Until one day when he just turned up out of the blue wanting me to come and visit him. As stupid as I am, I got to him in one hour! I should not have answered at all. But I was still so in Love with him, and was longing for his attention after the two months when he dismissed me. When I come back to his apartment after the two months it were filled with hasch-smoke and on the bathroom lay some incjection tools and a heroin binge. I should have ran away immediately, but I felt so sorry for him and therefore chose to move in again and help him. He ruined me immediately, borrowing money all the time. Every time I tried to broke up did he find the right words to make me stay.
One month ago (in mars) I had have enough from him, while finding him on the bathroom floor with a stick in his arm. I called the social service and they started to evaluate his drug use. He told me that he had now hit his rock bottom and that he for the first time since he got addicted 15 years ago was convinced to be sober. I said that as long as he was sober and did not take my money I would stay by his side forever. In the next weeks I saw a progression, and we started to have sex again, since he had no sex drive while on opiates. However one evening he told me that he was going to meet up with some of his old drug friends, just to say hi. I tried to concvince him not to since meeting another addict maybe would give him cravings and make him relapse. But he convinced that nothing was about to happen and that he had control. I want to highlight that he actually never went to a professional rehab center in order to get sober, he did all the withdrawal process alone at home.
When he Came home that night he started nodding off while at the same time texting on his phone. I asked him if he had taken some drugs and begged him to tell the truth. He got really Mad at me and throw me out of his apartment, saying that I was an psycopatic person that accused a poor ex addict of taking a relapse. After that he told me to come back bringing all my stift and move out. So I did. The thing is that he claims that he is still clean and that I am the one who is letting him down, since I accuses him and am not believing in him and supporting him enough. I really dont know what to do, I have given him everything, all my savings on the bank.
I want to ask you of your opinion, do you think its normal to nod off while at the same time texting at the phone? Isnt that a clear sign of opiate use? Furthermore he is angry at me trying to get him into rehab, since he belives that rehab is **** and he can get sober by himself. He accuses me for not believing in him. What do you think, do you think that one really can get clean by ones own after a poly drug use (opiates, benzo, hasch) which lasted for 15 years?
Am I right about my bad feelings of him not being sober?? I i think he is just lying to us all, me and his family. Or can an ex addict get so tired in their recovery process that they fell asleep very Easy?
Well I'll better start by telling you that I have grown up with a father addicted to opiates, for the moment he has entered a subutex program and things starts getting better. I am the biggest sister of us siblings and has during our childhood been a sort of a therapeut to both our parents. This has resulted in me being an extremely sensitive person who always over-analyses things. I am very anxious and am eating SSRI to handle that.
One year ago I meet an ten year older man (Im 22 now), we meet in a club, he took me home, and the next day I moved in. We fell in love so hard in each other, it felt like we were crazy, or that it was a dream. We lay in bed for one week, just having sex and get to know each other. After to days he introduced me to his mother. She was very friendly, but at the end of our meeting she told me that he, my boyfriend, had a hard past consisting of a poly drug use addition, which lasted for 15 years. He had just been clean for two months. My boyfriend thought it was OK that she told me about it, given that he pointed out clearly that his addiction was a part of his past and over. Given that I have an addicted father that I love unconditionally, I could not judge my boyfriend for his past.
The problem was that he was not clean. He had just quitted opiates and hasch. He was still on benzodiazepines, which he convinced me was not that serious and that he could even stop taking them whenever he wanted to. His family thought he was all clean.
The weeks went on, and so did his addiction. After two weeks did he take so much benzo's every day he got home from work that all he could do was sleep,sleep,sleep. He started getting aggressive at me questioning him, and the fourth week into our relationship he dumped me. Then I did not hear a word from him in two months. Until one day when he just turned up out of the blue wanting me to come and visit him. As stupid as I am, I got to him in one hour! I should not have answered at all. But I was still so in Love with him, and was longing for his attention after the two months when he dismissed me. When I come back to his apartment after the two months it were filled with hasch-smoke and on the bathroom lay some incjection tools and a heroin binge. I should have ran away immediately, but I felt so sorry for him and therefore chose to move in again and help him. He ruined me immediately, borrowing money all the time. Every time I tried to broke up did he find the right words to make me stay.
One month ago (in mars) I had have enough from him, while finding him on the bathroom floor with a stick in his arm. I called the social service and they started to evaluate his drug use. He told me that he had now hit his rock bottom and that he for the first time since he got addicted 15 years ago was convinced to be sober. I said that as long as he was sober and did not take my money I would stay by his side forever. In the next weeks I saw a progression, and we started to have sex again, since he had no sex drive while on opiates. However one evening he told me that he was going to meet up with some of his old drug friends, just to say hi. I tried to concvince him not to since meeting another addict maybe would give him cravings and make him relapse. But he convinced that nothing was about to happen and that he had control. I want to highlight that he actually never went to a professional rehab center in order to get sober, he did all the withdrawal process alone at home.
When he Came home that night he started nodding off while at the same time texting on his phone. I asked him if he had taken some drugs and begged him to tell the truth. He got really Mad at me and throw me out of his apartment, saying that I was an psycopatic person that accused a poor ex addict of taking a relapse. After that he told me to come back bringing all my stift and move out. So I did. The thing is that he claims that he is still clean and that I am the one who is letting him down, since I accuses him and am not believing in him and supporting him enough. I really dont know what to do, I have given him everything, all my savings on the bank.
I want to ask you of your opinion, do you think its normal to nod off while at the same time texting at the phone? Isnt that a clear sign of opiate use? Furthermore he is angry at me trying to get him into rehab, since he belives that rehab is **** and he can get sober by himself. He accuses me for not believing in him. What do you think, do you think that one really can get clean by ones own after a poly drug use (opiates, benzo, hasch) which lasted for 15 years?
Am I right about my bad feelings of him not being sober?? I i think he is just lying to us all, me and his family. Or can an ex addict get so tired in their recovery process that they fell asleep very Easy?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sissi...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course, but until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts. I'll be brief.
You are 22 years old. I have nieces and nephews roughly your age. If one of them came to me with this story, I'd be heartbroken.
Probabilistically speaking, Sissi, the likelihood of your relationship with your ABF will survive is very low. And you do not need permission to do what is in your best interests. But you need to bear in mind that your best interests are not necessarily what you want. You're 22 years old with a lot of years ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend your time?
Be honest with yourself. Understand what it is you're dealing with. Then do what is best for you.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course, but until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts. I'll be brief.
You are 22 years old. I have nieces and nephews roughly your age. If one of them came to me with this story, I'd be heartbroken.
Probabilistically speaking, Sissi, the likelihood of your relationship with your ABF will survive is very low. And you do not need permission to do what is in your best interests. But you need to bear in mind that your best interests are not necessarily what you want. You're 22 years old with a lot of years ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend your time?
Be honest with yourself. Understand what it is you're dealing with. Then do what is best for you.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sweetie, it doesn't matter WHY he threw you out, only that he DID. he's obviously unstable, he's taken you for all you have....and you are only 21. there are a lot of good life lessons for you in all this, but the main one is never allowing anyone to mistreat you and run like hell when you find out about their drug use. you can save yourself a TON of heartache that way.........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I hope this does not sound too harsh. But this sounds like a very bad situation!
There is no such thing as falling in love in one day. You can only fall into infatuation in that short of a time and most psychologist agree that is not a rational state of mind and a very bad start to a relationship. It sounds wonderful, but then so do the effects of drugs.
As far as the things you are observing, there is no doubt that this person is addicted and NOT in active recovery. The only hope of having a relationship with someone who has been addicted to drugs is if they are in active recovery. You can tell when they are because life gets easier, not harder and they begin doing normal things like going to work and being present for you in a calm and loving way.
Please read as much as you can about codependency and take care of yourself. In codependency, the addict is our drug - which is why we need recovery as much as the addict.
The likelihood of this relationship working out well is very very small and you are very young. If you get help now, you can find a wonderful good man to have a life with. If not, you may end up wasting much of your youth.
Prayers you find clarity and peace,
There is no such thing as falling in love in one day. You can only fall into infatuation in that short of a time and most psychologist agree that is not a rational state of mind and a very bad start to a relationship. It sounds wonderful, but then so do the effects of drugs.
As far as the things you are observing, there is no doubt that this person is addicted and NOT in active recovery. The only hope of having a relationship with someone who has been addicted to drugs is if they are in active recovery. You can tell when they are because life gets easier, not harder and they begin doing normal things like going to work and being present for you in a calm and loving way.
Please read as much as you can about codependency and take care of yourself. In codependency, the addict is our drug - which is why we need recovery as much as the addict.
The likelihood of this relationship working out well is very very small and you are very young. If you get help now, you can find a wonderful good man to have a life with. If not, you may end up wasting much of your youth.
Prayers you find clarity and peace,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
It's very clear to me, based upon what you have shared, that he has shown you who and what he is and what he is made of. When you don't do what he wants when he wants it he turns on you and makes accusations, throws you out, and then probably because of sex, wants you back. He using you, plain and simple. Get out and stay out. Don't stick around for him to 'get better'. He is a pleasure seeking animal who survives from one fix to the next, whether that fix is drugs or sex. I can tell that you already feel bad about this. Sadly, this bad feeling can go from bad to worse. I would hate to see that happen to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The thing is that he claims that he is still clean and that I am the one who is letting him down, since I accuses him and am not believing in him and supporting him enough.
I asked him if he had taken some drugs and begged him to tell the truth. He got really Mad at me and throw me out of his apartment, saying that I was an psycopatic person that accused a poor ex addict of taking a relapse.
Please don't feel guilty for leaving him. Your boyfriend is NOT your father. Just because you stand by one person who is in active recovery doesn't mean that you have to stand by an addict who is not - because that addict's loyalty is to the drug. In my case, a close family member of mine is in active recovery and she is doing an outstanding job - she's really earned my respect. She has made an active effort to make amends to her friends and family. It's actually pretty amazing to watch. On the other hand, I have my sister, who is definitely not in active recovery, who I barely speak to anymore.
You have a very compassionate heart. You need to find somebody who is worthy of that heart, somebody who will treasure you as much as you treasure him. Please don't settle for somebody who will try to take that compassionate heart and turn it into stone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Dear all,
I am so, so thankful for all of your answers and that you took your time reading my story. Actually I cried when I was reading all your wise and helpful posts! Again, thank you very much.
I know you are right when you all say that this relationship is doomed to fail, as long as he is not in a serious recovery process. His mother told me that she had completely lost hope in him years ago.
Well, from some perspectives, I really can understand his fear of getting sober. He is just 30 years old and has nearly 150000 dollars in bank debt - all because of his drug use. He is a bright, good-looking and intelligent man that has wasted all his youth to his drug use. He started this life when he was 15, now he is 30. He comes from a well-established family were all his siblings are well educated and so on, and he has taken the role as the black sheep in the family.... He has been trying to kill himself two times, but failed.
I really thought that my love to him would make him change and understand that if he only want to, he has a good sober life in front of him. I sacrificed so much for him, bought him new furniture in his apartment and paid all his rent, even though I am a student with a very limited economy. I sick leave from my university studies just to stay home and help him during those days he did not had drugs, and suffered from cold turkey. He had terrible withdrawal symptoms, including heavy seizures, were he was shaking for minutes. He had forbidden me in advance to not call the ambulance. So I had to take care of him being almost in a dead faint, all by myself. I have somewhat of a trauma from this experiences... Just the thought of him having these seizures makes me wanna move in to him again immediately! I can't describe how sorry I am for him. And now that he refuses to take my help, I am feeling hopeless. He has not even sent me a message since he threw me out and told me to bring my stuff from his apartment.
I suspect that he does not even miss me. This thought kills me. I know that his poly drug use, consisting of 1) cannabis 2) benzodiazepines, mainly Klonopin and Alpazolam 3) opiates, mainly (illegal) subutex, dolcontin and heroin is a very strong combination. But can these substances in some way 'remove' his feelings? Is there a chance of him being all callous and satisfied by now, not even recognizing that he lost me? Today he unfriended me on facebook. I guess that is a clear sign of him wanting to move on. I just can't understand and accept how used I am and was.... I know I am a intelligent, young and independent woman with a university degree that I am very proud of, but right now I feel like the most worthless girl in the world.
I am so, so thankful for all of your answers and that you took your time reading my story. Actually I cried when I was reading all your wise and helpful posts! Again, thank you very much.
I know you are right when you all say that this relationship is doomed to fail, as long as he is not in a serious recovery process. His mother told me that she had completely lost hope in him years ago.
Well, from some perspectives, I really can understand his fear of getting sober. He is just 30 years old and has nearly 150000 dollars in bank debt - all because of his drug use. He is a bright, good-looking and intelligent man that has wasted all his youth to his drug use. He started this life when he was 15, now he is 30. He comes from a well-established family were all his siblings are well educated and so on, and he has taken the role as the black sheep in the family.... He has been trying to kill himself two times, but failed.
I really thought that my love to him would make him change and understand that if he only want to, he has a good sober life in front of him. I sacrificed so much for him, bought him new furniture in his apartment and paid all his rent, even though I am a student with a very limited economy. I sick leave from my university studies just to stay home and help him during those days he did not had drugs, and suffered from cold turkey. He had terrible withdrawal symptoms, including heavy seizures, were he was shaking for minutes. He had forbidden me in advance to not call the ambulance. So I had to take care of him being almost in a dead faint, all by myself. I have somewhat of a trauma from this experiences... Just the thought of him having these seizures makes me wanna move in to him again immediately! I can't describe how sorry I am for him. And now that he refuses to take my help, I am feeling hopeless. He has not even sent me a message since he threw me out and told me to bring my stuff from his apartment.
I suspect that he does not even miss me. This thought kills me. I know that his poly drug use, consisting of 1) cannabis 2) benzodiazepines, mainly Klonopin and Alpazolam 3) opiates, mainly (illegal) subutex, dolcontin and heroin is a very strong combination. But can these substances in some way 'remove' his feelings? Is there a chance of him being all callous and satisfied by now, not even recognizing that he lost me? Today he unfriended me on facebook. I guess that is a clear sign of him wanting to move on. I just can't understand and accept how used I am and was.... I know I am a intelligent, young and independent woman with a university degree that I am very proud of, but right now I feel like the most worthless girl in the world.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
You're not worthless, just made some bad judgement calls. You have been taken advantage of by him. I hope you will forget him and move on with your life. He does not care for you and treats you terribly. Please forget him and move on. 
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You cannot love him to health and you will waste your life trying.
He's been an addict for half his life and he's a decade older than you are. He is lying to you and exploiting you...and yes, addicts are very charming and persuasive because they have to be.
Please, sweetie...rescue yourself.
He's been an addict for half his life and he's a decade older than you are. He is lying to you and exploiting you...and yes, addicts are very charming and persuasive because they have to be.
Please, sweetie...rescue yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 503
I know this is difficult because you are young, but think about your future daughter. What would you say to her? Would you fear for her future if she were with this guy? Would you tell her she is wasting the best years of her life? Would you be afraid that he would bring bad people around who might steal from her, or worse? Please put yourself first. You don't deserve a lifetime of pain (and it will be just that).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
This is classic narcissist behavior. You were love bombed, then used. He put on a good show in the beginning, and that makes it very difficult to come to terms with reality. I'm in a similar situation. Please read up on narcissists.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Get away while you can. This man will ruin your life.
No, he cannot recover from all that drug use, especially H, without serious treatment and effort on recovery.
I don't say this to be harsh, but you are young. You have a chance at a new start. Ask yourself why you tolerated this and are drawn to someone like this in the first place, so you can make better choices in the future.
I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the chance to move forward. Don't go running back when he calls, as he will run out of money and be back, you can be sure of that.
No, he cannot recover from all that drug use, especially H, without serious treatment and effort on recovery.
I don't say this to be harsh, but you are young. You have a chance at a new start. Ask yourself why you tolerated this and are drawn to someone like this in the first place, so you can make better choices in the future.
I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself, give yourself the chance to move forward. Don't go running back when he calls, as he will run out of money and be back, you can be sure of that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know I am a intelligent, young and independent woman with a university degree that I am very proud of, but right now I feel like the most worthless girl in the world
You are an amazing young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Smart and educated and experiencing an awfully painful life lesson about falling in love with drug addict.
It’s often said to love an addict is to run out of tears.
Addicts don’t love themselves so it’s almost impossible for them to love another human being. What they love are things, objects, routines that almost always revolve around their addictions.
You invested a lot into this person, far more then he invested in you or the relationship. We can’t make drugs the “excuse” and think that simply by removing the drugs they will love us and the relationship will blossom……..it’s never that easy and that kind of thinking is very unrealistic and more fantasy like.
His part in this situation is clear, he’s an active drug addict doing exactly what addicts so. What is your part in this? How can you make needed changes with your thinking so that you don’t end up in another relationship with someone who has addiction issues or overly invest in someone not investing in you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Please read up on the behaviors of children of alcoholics and addicts. I too was raised by an opiate user and it changes you. You sound very codependent and I can say that because I'm massively codependent. An addict can not love. Your role is not to fix or love someone into wellness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Amen to ataloose. And I will add that it's really icky to feel used, and you were blatantly used financially, sexually, and emotionally. You have been exploited, which is a form of abuse. And, as a narcissist, he would be really good at making himself out to be the victim. Part of the "love-bombing" is when the really hot and heavy sex life took off... but, he's much older than you with more experience in certain areas of the world including the drug world, so he took advantage of you that way, plus you are a caring person and he took advantage of that. Many narcissists are charming and know just how to put the moves on. Just know that no one judges you or condemns you for falling for this guy. It can happen to anyone. But, you can get out of this before anymore damage is done and you don't have fall for something like this again.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
So he's 30, he's been using since he was 15, and you're asking yourself if you're a bad girlfriend?
Step back for a minute, Sissi. Look at what you know to be true about him. Allow yourself to soak in what you know to be true about him. And then ask yourself why such a person should be in your life.
Hint: he shouldn't be.
Step back for a minute, Sissi. Look at what you know to be true about him. Allow yourself to soak in what you know to be true about him. And then ask yourself why such a person should be in your life.
Hint: he shouldn't be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Dear all,
Thank you for your great advices, if you only knew how motivated and strong your support makes me feel. As many of you say, he probably is a narcissist. I don't know though if his narcissistic behavior is a product of his addiction, or if his "true" personality also is narcissistic.
I have some more important questions about this that I would like to rise. Some of you predicted that I can be sure that he will return to me in the nearest future when he is in need of money. Given that he is such a skilful manipulator, I know that he will try to hide his real intentions behind a good story that will hit my codependent heart. I am afraid that he will turn up out of the blue some day when I am having a weak day, which happens very often because I am also very anxious concerning my father's addiction. Furthermore, he will know exactly what to say in order to have me back. So.... Just to be prepared to this situation, what do you think he (as a very skilful manipulator and narcissist) possibly would say to have me back? Maybe you can just share your own experiences with a partner like this. I need help to clearly open up my eyes, look through him and able to resist it.
For the moment, I am so weak and sad that I would be a simple match for him to handle. I am working full time and studying full time at the same time, which makes me terribly tired, but that is the only way to keep him of my mind.
Love to you all from me
Thank you for your great advices, if you only knew how motivated and strong your support makes me feel. As many of you say, he probably is a narcissist. I don't know though if his narcissistic behavior is a product of his addiction, or if his "true" personality also is narcissistic.
I have some more important questions about this that I would like to rise. Some of you predicted that I can be sure that he will return to me in the nearest future when he is in need of money. Given that he is such a skilful manipulator, I know that he will try to hide his real intentions behind a good story that will hit my codependent heart. I am afraid that he will turn up out of the blue some day when I am having a weak day, which happens very often because I am also very anxious concerning my father's addiction. Furthermore, he will know exactly what to say in order to have me back. So.... Just to be prepared to this situation, what do you think he (as a very skilful manipulator and narcissist) possibly would say to have me back? Maybe you can just share your own experiences with a partner like this. I need help to clearly open up my eyes, look through him and able to resist it.
For the moment, I am so weak and sad that I would be a simple match for him to handle. I am working full time and studying full time at the same time, which makes me terribly tired, but that is the only way to keep him of my mind.
Love to you all from me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
he will know exactly what to say in order to have me back. So.... Just to be prepared to this situation, what do you think he (as a very skilful manipulator and narcissist) possibly would say to have me back? Maybe you can just share your own experiences with a partner like this. I need help to clearly open up my eyes, look through him and able to resist it.
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