Am I right? Or a terrible girlfriend?

Old 05-22-2016, 01:30 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Back to black (addicted ex boyfriend)

Dear everyone

Now it has happened, that situation almost all of you predicted before. This morning his number showed up at my phone display. One part of me said: ignore it, you KNOW this will cause you hurt and trouble. Another part of me said: please, please answer his call. Just think of his kisses, warmth and amazing embrace. Maybe he has now hit rock bottom, and will change.

Guess which voice that were strongest? Unfortunately the irrational one. I answered and heard him pleading on the other side, begging me to give him another chance. This time everything would be better, he would save all his money so that we could travel the world and enjoy life together.

Well, I don't buy that ********. When I asked him if he wanted to go to rehab now, he said no. He had already quitted his drug use on his own. That is of course just ********. You cannot overcome a 15 years poly drug use on your own.

So I told him the truth, that we will never ever be together again. Then he asked if we just could become friends, and that he needed me so badly. I accepted this offer, and went to his apartment "as a friend". His apartment was wierd. He had taken bank loans for a SICK sum of money and bought a crazy amount of expensive guitars. His goal was to create a band. I am still shocked, how can he so intensively engage in new interest areas so quickly?!

Well, the time in his apartment was just anxiety, anxiety and anxiety. We lay in his sofa and was almost kissing for four hours. It felt like we were newly in love again. I can't describe my attraction and passion for him. Despite that he has treated me so bad, I love him more than anything...

During my stay he was constantly begging me to be his girlfriend again and to move in. But I stayed strong and said no, and after four hours I left. We promised each other to be close friends that would help each other. I know though that this actually mean that I will help HIM, it is not a mutual interest...

Please tell me what to do. Is it right to keep having contact with him as a friend? I could not see any signs of drugs in his apartment. And we had sex, which is a good sign, because he has zero sex drive while on drugs. At the other hand, I know he use to order Viagra from an internet site. Additionally, his skin was HOT as hell. Couldnt that be a sign of heroin use?

In the meantime I regret that I visited him, because now are all scars from our love wide open again.... I really want to find the strength to stay no contact again
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Old 05-22-2016, 02:54 PM
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Oh, sweetie...no, just no, I know it's so difficult to give up a romantic dream but that's all this is...a dream that's hiding a nightmare.

If you're having sex with him, you're back together with him. You know that, right?

Sending you a sad hug.
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Old 05-22-2016, 04:28 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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I'm going to be blunt. He's not a pill, he's not something you smoke, but he is your drug. But you went to him because you missed the intoxication of being in love with him. You went to him even though you knew it would be a bad idea, even though you knew that you were putting your own emotional survival at stake, and you relapsed with him.

Sissi, please don't do this. You can't contact him. You can't be friends with him. Continuing contact with him is just like a recovering addict calling her drug dealer just to "hang out." That is a completely unrealistic expectation. Don't put yourself through that. You are worth too much.

I'm sending you a hug too.
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Old 05-22-2016, 05:42 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I hope you again go 'no contact' with him and then be grateful he's out of your life. You deserve so much better. He's a drain on you, on your energy. Spend your energy on yourself instead. You're worth it. He's not.
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Old 05-22-2016, 08:02 PM
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Hey Beautiful Sissi, good for you for coming back to SR and posting but I have to second everything that everyone has said.

Could you get yourself to an Alanon meeting? It does look like you need more support. Knowing that all the promises are BS is a good start but staying away from someone like this is super, super difficult.

We all get it; we all have our human drug AKA addicted loved one. It is really really hard to say no and make it stick. Being friends with our qualifier is a bit like a drug addict doing drugs in moderation. Even if you have to drop out of school and move away to get away from this guy, do it. (I say this as a teacher who thinks education is HUGE!). Please, please at least try to start putting some no-contact time together again and find a way to make it stick.

Big hug to you and keep posting.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:35 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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A report

Dear everyone

Now I have managed to stay away from him for almost three months. As I told you in may month, he suddenly turned up out of the blue begging me to take him back. But I rejected his request, but promised to be there for him as a friend. Since then we have met two times, just to chill out and then have sex.... Which is very hurtful, because being so close to him reminds me of how much I love him. This weekend I have promised him that we will hang out again.

He keeps everything very secretly nowadays, I really don't know much of what he is doing at all. He keeps telling me that he is still clean, though. Which I, to some extent, know is true because we've talked on the phone and I can hear from his voice when he is sober or not.

Last week he was on a five days rock festival with one of his old junkey friends, who also is an opiate addict. I wonder: is it really possible for him to stay clean while at the same time hanging out with his old junkey friends? This friend is one of the biggest sellers of marijuana in our town, and as mentioned above also a opiate addict. I really, really wonder if it is possible for two junkeys to spend five days together at a rock festival without relapsing. I know his friend is in an active addiction, without making any efforts to quit at all.

The reason why I want to talk to you about this is because I can feel that I deep inside, after these three months, is beginning to think over it again and maybe give him one more chance. I feel so alone. Even though other men is approaching me and asking me out, I cannot think of anyone else than HIM.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:50 PM
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;My friend....in my opinion, you are waking on verrry thin ice, right now.....
it doesn't sound, to me, that he is putting his recovery very high......
And, I think you KNOW it....

Your battle is with yourself, right now. 3 months is not enough time to even get over the grieving of the lost fantasy for the relationship.....
sleeping with him is the worst thing that you can do---in term of your own welfare! There are hormones...oxytocin...a bonding hormone that is excreted by the pituitary in females, at the time of intercourse that makes the desire to "stay" very, very strong......

If you go back....you know what will happen.....
You won't be a victim...you will be a volunteer....especially, knowing what you KNOW.....

I hate to be so blunt...but, there is just no way to sugar-coat it--that I can think of...lol...

Please try to think of your happiness in the BIG PICTURE of your life...

dandylion
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:53 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sissi View Post
Dear everyone

Now I have managed to stay away from him for almost three months. As I told you in may month, he suddenly turned up out of the blue begging me to take him back. But I rejected his request, but promised to be there for him as a friend. Since then we have met two times, just to chill out and then have sex.... Which is very hurtful, because being so close to him reminds me of how much I love him. This weekend I have promised him that we will hang out again.

He keeps everything very secretly nowadays, I really don't know much of what he is doing at all. He keeps telling me that he is still clean, though. Which I, to some extent, know is true because we've talked on the phone and I can hear from his voice when he is sober or not.

Last week he was on a five days rock festival with one of his old junkey friends, who also is an opiate addict. I wonder: is it really possible for him to stay clean while at the same time hanging out with his old junkey friends? This friend is one of the biggest sellers of marijuana in our town, and as mentioned above also a opiate addict. I really, really wonder if it is possible for two junkeys to spend five days together at a rock festival without relapsing. I know his friend is in an active addiction, without making any efforts to quit at all.

The reason why I want to talk to you about this is because I can feel that I deep inside, after these three months, is beginning to think over it again and maybe give him one more chance. I feel so alone. Even though other men is approaching me and asking me out, I cannot think of anyone else than HIM.
Hi Sissi, good to hear from you again. I'm glad you have backed off with this man.

As to your question about the likelihood of him staying sober while hanging out with junkie friends, it is highly unlikely.

I remember falling in love with my qualifier and how powerful all the emotions were. It was very hard to go no contact but the best thing for me. However I have to admit, it took many tries before I went no contact and made it stick.

For those of us who are truly codependent, the addict is like a drug. We try to moderate; give it another try and cave in to their requests again and again. It is truly difficult.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:53 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
;My friend....in my opinion, you are waking on verrry thin ice, right now.....
it doesn't sound, to me, that he is putting his recovery very high......
And, I think you KNOW it....

Your battle is with yourself, right now. 3 months is not enough time to even get over the grieving of the lost fantasy for the relationship.....
sleeping with him is the worst thing that you can do---in term of your own welfare! There are hormones...oxytocin...a bonding hormone that is excreted by the pituitary in females, at the time of intercourse that makes the desire to "stay" very, very strong......

If you go back....you know what will happen.....
You won't be a victim...you will be a volunteer....especially, knowing what you KNOW.....

I hate to be so blunt...but, there is just no way to sugar-coat it--that I can think of...lol...

Please try to think of your happiness in the BIG PICTURE of your life...

dandylion
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hi Sissi, good to hear from you again. I'm glad you have backed off with this man.

As to your question about the likelihood of him staying sober while hanging out with junkie friends, it is highly unlikely.

I remember falling in love with my qualifier and how powerful all the emotions were. It was very hard to go no contact but the best thing for me. However I have to admit, it took many tries before I went no contact and made it stick.

For those of us who are truly codependent, the addict is like a drug. We try to moderate; give it another try and cave in to their requests again and again. It is truly difficult.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:55 PM
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Sissi...

You don't need our permission to do anything. All I will tell you is all of our choices have intended and unintended consequences.

Do what you believe is best for you.
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:55 PM
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Please, please if you're going to keep having sex with him, be safe!

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing a five-day bender with junkie/dealer buddies may have included opportunities for less-than responsible sex.

As for friends with benefits with an ex you still love...you're kidding yourself, but I'm sure you know that.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 06-15-2016, 08:12 PM
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Hi Sissi, so glad you came back!

I feel so alone. Even though other men is approaching me and asking me out, I cannot think of anyone else than HIM.
This just... Oh gosh the human heart can be so maddening, can't it?

I sometimes think of my first love, which happened twenty years ago, and even now my heart sometimes aches at the loss. We fell in love so hard and so fast, that even the mere memory of it still sends me reeling in shock.

But we were so bad for each other - it just didn't click - and drugs weren't even involved! Sometimes you can love somebody desperately but it just doesn't plain work out.

This will sound super corny, but when I think about the life I would have had with first love, I am even more grateful the life that I have with my husband. I am convinced that married life with first love would have been miserable - I would have become increasingly bitter at the opportunities I would have denied myself to be with him. I would have had to suppress so many of my personal beliefs I would no longer be myself.

But if I went back knowing what I know now and tried to console my twenty-five year old self, I don't think she would have believed me. She would have been sobbing uncontrollably, and even if the breakup was mutual, she would have still longed for him to come back even with the mounting evidence that the relationship wasn't going to work out.

In reality, we did see each other one more time, and all it did was break my heart into tinier pieces. It did accomplish one thing - I was so sick of feeling heartbroken that it made me determined to move forward to something better, even if I didn't know what "something better" was.

This man - he has been breaking your heart repeatedly every time he uses drugs. I fear that you may believe that love IS heartbreak - and it doesn't have to be so.

It's such a tough place to be in. Hugs to you!
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Old 06-17-2016, 03:05 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Thank U all from the bottom of my heart, because of your support I have now taken the decision to not meet HIM this weekend. Instead, I have made some plans with friends that I CAN'T cancel. We are going out on a local club. We are living in a very small town so probably I'll meet some his friends at the club (and in the worst case, even him) but I will really try to not let the memories of him ruin my night. I will try to let myself have fun and to move on.

I know you are right when you say that meeting him as a friend is just a destructive behavior from my side. I have to stop seeing him. I hope he wont contact me anymore. I wont contact him, anyway.
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Old 06-18-2016, 06:19 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Sissi, I so hope you have a good time with your friends.

Let us know how the no-contact goes for you.
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