Am I right? Or a terrible girlfriend?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Welcome Sissi (although I'm a bit late joining this thread). I am so very glad you posted. It sounds like you have been through hell with this man. I second what everyone else has said about how hopeless a relationship is with an active addict. This is very true.
As an adult child of an addict, it is understandable that you have codependent tendencies and fell in love with an addict. I hope you are learning everything you can about being a codependent and starting your own recovery. For many of us codependents leaving the addict is as hard as the addict giving up the drugs but it is the part of the situation we can change. Does your country have Alanon meetings?
In response to your question about responding to manipulation from an addict: the more you work your own recovery the better you will respond to any addict. In recovery from codependency, you will learn about detachment, boundaries and taking care of yourself.
Here are a few suggestions on how to respond to manipulation when contacted by an addict;
When my boyfriend got into crystal meth, I broke up with him to travel in South America. He called me and told me he thought I was being selfish. I told him I was being "exactly as selfish as I possibly could be.". (Learning to be constructively selfish is part of codependent recovery)
Some codependents have had their addicts threaten suicide. Some of these folks call the police to deal the situation (In the USA we have 911 for emergencies).
It is very likely he will call you and ask for help/company and/or even apologize. Codependents setting a boundary will often say, "I hope you can find help. If you ever manage to get sober and stay clean for a year I wouldn't mind hearing from you. Until then please don't contact me." Holding such a boundary is the hard part. Most of us block the user on all forms of social media as well as the phone.
Big, big hug to you beautiful girl. This is excruciatingly hard stuff you are dealing with but it is possible to heal and become a person who seeks out healthy people for relationships.
As an adult child of an addict, it is understandable that you have codependent tendencies and fell in love with an addict. I hope you are learning everything you can about being a codependent and starting your own recovery. For many of us codependents leaving the addict is as hard as the addict giving up the drugs but it is the part of the situation we can change. Does your country have Alanon meetings?
In response to your question about responding to manipulation from an addict: the more you work your own recovery the better you will respond to any addict. In recovery from codependency, you will learn about detachment, boundaries and taking care of yourself.
Here are a few suggestions on how to respond to manipulation when contacted by an addict;
When my boyfriend got into crystal meth, I broke up with him to travel in South America. He called me and told me he thought I was being selfish. I told him I was being "exactly as selfish as I possibly could be.". (Learning to be constructively selfish is part of codependent recovery)
Some codependents have had their addicts threaten suicide. Some of these folks call the police to deal the situation (In the USA we have 911 for emergencies).
It is very likely he will call you and ask for help/company and/or even apologize. Codependents setting a boundary will often say, "I hope you can find help. If you ever manage to get sober and stay clean for a year I wouldn't mind hearing from you. Until then please don't contact me." Holding such a boundary is the hard part. Most of us block the user on all forms of social media as well as the phone.
Big, big hug to you beautiful girl. This is excruciatingly hard stuff you are dealing with but it is possible to heal and become a person who seeks out healthy people for relationships.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
Thank you dear Bekindalways,
Thank you dear Bekindalways, I am so thankful for your advices. I wish I had someone like you to talk with in real life too! I am living in a small town in northern Europe and here you need to "hush-hush" with everything concerning drug use addiction. Paradoxically enough there is a general social acceptance with alcohol use addition.
I wish you all luck in your recovery process from being codependent too, many hugs
I wish you all luck in your recovery process from being codependent too, many hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by Sissi 
Thank you dear Bekindalways, I am so thankful for your advices. I wish I had someone like you to talk with in real life too! I am living in a small town in northern Europe and here you need to "hush-hush" with everything concerning drug use addiction. Paradoxically enough there is a general social acceptance with alcohol use addition.
I wish you all luck in your recovery process from being codependent too, many hugs
I wish you all luck in your recovery process from being codependent too, many hugs
This is a very difficult journey but it can be done. Just take it one day at a time learning, taking care of yourself and finding whatever support you can.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Sissi
Dear all,
Thank you for your great advices, if you only knew how motivated and strong your support makes me feel. As many of you say, he probably is a narcissist. I don't know though if his narcissistic behavior is a product of his addiction, or if his "true" personality also is narcissistic.
I have some more important questions about this that I would like to rise. Some of you predicted that I can be sure that he will return to me in the nearest future when he is in need of money. Given that he is such a skilful manipulator, I know that he will try to hide his real intentions behind a good story that will hit my codependent heart. I am afraid that he will turn up out of the blue some day when I am having a weak day, which happens very often because I am also very anxious concerning my father's addiction. Furthermore, he will know exactly what to say in order to have me back. So.... Just to be prepared to this situation, what do you think he (as a very skilful manipulator and narcissist) possibly would say to have me back? Maybe you can just share your own experiences with a partner like this. I need help to clearly open up my eyes, look through him and able to resist it.
For the moment, I am so weak and sad that I would be a simple match for him to handle. I am working full time and studying full time at the same time, which makes me terribly tired, but that is the only way to keep him of my mind.
Love to you all from me
Thank you for your great advices, if you only knew how motivated and strong your support makes me feel. As many of you say, he probably is a narcissist. I don't know though if his narcissistic behavior is a product of his addiction, or if his "true" personality also is narcissistic.
I have some more important questions about this that I would like to rise. Some of you predicted that I can be sure that he will return to me in the nearest future when he is in need of money. Given that he is such a skilful manipulator, I know that he will try to hide his real intentions behind a good story that will hit my codependent heart. I am afraid that he will turn up out of the blue some day when I am having a weak day, which happens very often because I am also very anxious concerning my father's addiction. Furthermore, he will know exactly what to say in order to have me back. So.... Just to be prepared to this situation, what do you think he (as a very skilful manipulator and narcissist) possibly would say to have me back? Maybe you can just share your own experiences with a partner like this. I need help to clearly open up my eyes, look through him and able to resist it.
For the moment, I am so weak and sad that I would be a simple match for him to handle. I am working full time and studying full time at the same time, which makes me terribly tired, but that is the only way to keep him of my mind.
Love to you all from me
IF your addict boyfriend is truly a narcissist, I'd be very very careful and cautious and you need to be concerned about YOUR SAFETY. Your safety needs to come first and the only way to acheive that right now must include NO CONTACT.
And make no mistake about what "no contact" really is. No contact via friends or family members, no emails (block him), no texts or phone calls, (block him), no letters, no contact via social media. He's already unfriended you on FB-that's GOOD! I guess I just cannot emphasize NO CONTACT enough. Hang in there...Do NOT give him any open door in which to "say" things to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
If you think he is truly a narcissist, you've got a bigger problem on your hands than just addiction, but I read somewhere that many addicts ARE narcissists. I've also read that true narcissism starts in childhood and is very much tied in with very low self esteem. The narcissist in my immediate family had very low self esteem ever since she was very young. She's is not what I would call a loser by ANY means, but her methods at succeeding in feeling better about herself are sometimes destructive. She struggles with having peaceful relationships with others and doesn't seem to know how to just "be at peace" and let go and let God; live and let live. She seems to have a knack for attracting the opposite sex and has succeeded in that venture and most of that type of behavior is rooted in her insatiable need to feel good about herself (self esteem).
IF your addict boyfriend is truly a narcissist, I'd be very very careful and cautious and you need to be concerned about YOUR SAFETY. Your safety needs to come first and the only way to acheive that right now must include NO CONTACT.
And make no mistake about what "no contact" really is. No contact via friends or family members, no emails (block him), no texts or phone calls, (block him), no letters, no contact via social media. He's already unfriended you on FB-that's GOOD! I guess I just cannot emphasize NO CONTACT enough. Hang in there...Do NOT give him any open door in which to "say" things to you.
IF your addict boyfriend is truly a narcissist, I'd be very very careful and cautious and you need to be concerned about YOUR SAFETY. Your safety needs to come first and the only way to acheive that right now must include NO CONTACT.
And make no mistake about what "no contact" really is. No contact via friends or family members, no emails (block him), no texts or phone calls, (block him), no letters, no contact via social media. He's already unfriended you on FB-that's GOOD! I guess I just cannot emphasize NO CONTACT enough. Hang in there...Do NOT give him any open door in which to "say" things to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Self respect - don't worry about what he has to say. He has shown you nothing but hurt and abuse. It's your turn to choose to take care of YOU and not another human being whom is capable of taking care of himself.
You can do this.
We are always here for you.
Hugs to you Sissi,
Joie
You can do this.
We are always here for you.
Hugs to you Sissi,
Joie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
He will say whatever it is you want to hear- he's way ahead of you. You see, all that time you spent with him, where you felt like you were "bonding", he was digging- probing your innermost thoughts and wishes. It's really all too easy for him. You can be sure that he laughs about it behind your back.
Your only advantage is that you've seen behind the mask- little glimpses, perhaps, but you've seen him. You may not want to believe that's the real him- you'd much prefer that it was the other way around. But you know it, deep down. Hold onto that.
Your only advantage is that you've seen behind the mask- little glimpses, perhaps, but you've seen him. You may not want to believe that's the real him- you'd much prefer that it was the other way around. But you know it, deep down. Hold onto that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
An update
THANK you everyone for your contribution to my codependent recovery process, I really listen to every wise word you give me.
OK, now it is almost four weeks since our relationship hit rock bottom and we broke up with each other. I have not heard a word from him since that.... I am slowly making progression every day in my codependent recovery process. But those bleeding scars inside me hurts evert day.
The hardest part of this is that it wasnt me that broke up with him because of his unrespectful behavior and drug use. It was him, leaving me, because he could not stand my ultimatum ( I wanted him to go into rehab). I feel so stupid and helpless.
Another hard aspect of it is that we are living in a small town, so I am unwillingly updated by people telling my about his actions. This weekend, he had a really big party in his flat and he has a new "girl", too. She smokes a lot cannabis too, so I guess she will fit in his life better. What hurts me so much is that when we were together, he was so stoned and high in the weekends that he LITERALLY could not stand on his legs, all he could do was lying in his sofa and nod off. How come that he now, out of the blue, has got energy enough to party and hook up with a new girl? When we were together, we barely had sex once in a month, because he had no sex drive because of the drugs. I feel so sad and small, why could he not make those efforts when we were together, and how come he is able to do that now.......
OK, now it is almost four weeks since our relationship hit rock bottom and we broke up with each other. I have not heard a word from him since that.... I am slowly making progression every day in my codependent recovery process. But those bleeding scars inside me hurts evert day.
The hardest part of this is that it wasnt me that broke up with him because of his unrespectful behavior and drug use. It was him, leaving me, because he could not stand my ultimatum ( I wanted him to go into rehab). I feel so stupid and helpless.
Another hard aspect of it is that we are living in a small town, so I am unwillingly updated by people telling my about his actions. This weekend, he had a really big party in his flat and he has a new "girl", too. She smokes a lot cannabis too, so I guess she will fit in his life better. What hurts me so much is that when we were together, he was so stoned and high in the weekends that he LITERALLY could not stand on his legs, all he could do was lying in his sofa and nod off. How come that he now, out of the blue, has got energy enough to party and hook up with a new girl? When we were together, we barely had sex once in a month, because he had no sex drive because of the drugs. I feel so sad and small, why could he not make those efforts when we were together, and how come he is able to do that now.......
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
Hi Sissi-
Sorry for your pain and happy to hear you've acknowledged your codependency issues and are working towards recovery. Nothing from what you described makes me believe he is making any sort of effort NOW. he's still partying and using drugs. not embracing a solid recovery program. nothing is going to change with any new woman he meets, his habits aren't going to change from partner to partner.
I went through something similar with my ex, I also unwillingly heard updates about him. I had to start telling people right away that I did not want to hear about how he is doing. In fact I even stopped spending time with certain people because I needed to distance myself.
You seem to beat yourself up a lot, put yourself down with some terrible names. You are not stupid or helpless. You've admitted you have a problem and are seeking help for it. To me that sounds brave, courageous, and self-directed. certainly NOT helpless!
I would suggest getting into therapy to learn how to change your negative self-talk and think more positively, even if you don't 100% believe it right now. Many hugs to you.
Sorry for your pain and happy to hear you've acknowledged your codependency issues and are working towards recovery. Nothing from what you described makes me believe he is making any sort of effort NOW. he's still partying and using drugs. not embracing a solid recovery program. nothing is going to change with any new woman he meets, his habits aren't going to change from partner to partner.
I went through something similar with my ex, I also unwillingly heard updates about him. I had to start telling people right away that I did not want to hear about how he is doing. In fact I even stopped spending time with certain people because I needed to distance myself.
You seem to beat yourself up a lot, put yourself down with some terrible names. You are not stupid or helpless. You've admitted you have a problem and are seeking help for it. To me that sounds brave, courageous, and self-directed. certainly NOT helpless!
I would suggest getting into therapy to learn how to change your negative self-talk and think more positively, even if you don't 100% believe it right now. Many hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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He has the energy to go out and find a new girlfriend because he needs someone new to exploit in order to keep feeding his habit. The only drive he has is to get high and everything he does is a means to that end.
Stay far, far away. Any new contact will just start it up again. Someday you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him....I promise.
Sending you a hug.
Stay far, far away. Any new contact will just start it up again. Someday you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him....I promise.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your jealous that he’s got energy to party and that he’s not lying on a couch nodding off??? He’s an addict and he’s doing what addicts do – getting high!! I’m sure he’ll always have the energy for that!!
So what efforts exactly is he making that have you feeling sad and jealous?
Seems to me not a dam thing has changed since the break up with maybe the exception he got off a couch for a night.
I think its the fact he's moved on so quickly and has a new GF that has you in this emotional spin.
Break ups are hard especially when you were the one who did not want that to happen. Hopefully one of these days you will realize what a blessing it is that you are not involved with an addict, an addict who wishes to continue being an addict.
So what efforts exactly is he making that have you feeling sad and jealous?
Seems to me not a dam thing has changed since the break up with maybe the exception he got off a couch for a night.
I think its the fact he's moved on so quickly and has a new GF that has you in this emotional spin.
Break ups are hard especially when you were the one who did not want that to happen. Hopefully one of these days you will realize what a blessing it is that you are not involved with an addict, an addict who wishes to continue being an addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
You are right
Hi everyone
Thanks for your answers. I know you are right when you say that his new party lifestyle and girl is nothing that I should be "jealous" about. The fact that I know that she smokes a lot of cannabis, makes their relationship even more understandable....
Right now I have reached a phase in our "break up process" were I am very worried of him. I can't stop thinking of him injecting and snorting opiates.... I know his life can end at any time. I will hate myself forever if it happens, maybe I could have saved him if I was there....
Please give me some advices for how to tackle these fears. I know his life is not my responsibility....
Thanks for your answers. I know you are right when you say that his new party lifestyle and girl is nothing that I should be "jealous" about. The fact that I know that she smokes a lot of cannabis, makes their relationship even more understandable....
Right now I have reached a phase in our "break up process" were I am very worried of him. I can't stop thinking of him injecting and snorting opiates.... I know his life can end at any time. I will hate myself forever if it happens, maybe I could have saved him if I was there....
Please give me some advices for how to tackle these fears. I know his life is not my responsibility....
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My advice? Stay no contact and if at all possible try to tell yourself that you cannot save him. If he wants to be saved, he is resourceful and knows how to get help...leave the saving to professionals. Yes, the fact remains that there is always a risk of death for drug addicts, but you need to let go before you are dragged. Very very typical, however for co-dependents to think they can save someone and very difficult to let go. He's moved on to someone new, and while that may sting, it really is a blessing for you!
No one said that going no contact would put your mind at ease...so don't get down on yourself if you are having a hard time with your thoughts. You are a caring, loving human being, so naturally your heart is still warm and beating, not a cold stone. But when comes to getting over your relationship with him, you've got to find a way to free your minds of excessive worry and always wondering what he's up to.
Keep the focus on YOU and what you are up to.
No one said that going no contact would put your mind at ease...so don't get down on yourself if you are having a hard time with your thoughts. You are a caring, loving human being, so naturally your heart is still warm and beating, not a cold stone. But when comes to getting over your relationship with him, you've got to find a way to free your minds of excessive worry and always wondering what he's up to.
Keep the focus on YOU and what you are up to.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
Sissi I really want to give you a hug. As a few others have suggested, this man has some serious narcissistic traits. One very common thing is the idealize/devaluation/discard cycle.
The reason he drops you and picks up so easily with another woman is narcissists are also addicted to a drug called narcissistic supply.
You being his previous source (and now discarded) supply, he's grooming his next victim, likely showering her will all sorts of attention and idealization which is only the hook for an inevitable devaluation and discard. Be assured she is not claiming any "prize" being with him, and she is in for more of the same as you experienced if she sticks around.
The not having enough energy to have sex...that's the classic "devaluation" phase. A prelude to the discard. Please understand this really has nothing to do with you not being lovable, attractive or "enough" for him. It's manipulation.
Narcissists run the same plays from the same playbooks. What you're experiencing is VERY COMMON and you are not alone.
You may find some of the Youtube channels on recovering from narcissitic abuse very helpful and supportive. I recommend starting with the channel Thrive After Abuse. This woman is a survivor of more than one relationship with a narcissist and has many videos that explain this behavior and can support you to heal (Dana).
The second thing you need to brace yourself for is the narcissist's HOOVER. This is where they try to roll back into your life for another round. Chances are he will pull this, and bank on your loving and sweet nature, and your love for him, to take him back. He will begin the cycle again, but there will be very little to none of the "idealization" phase left. Victims often run on hope for the man they initially fell in love with, or the man they believe he could be and endure the abusive cycles. BE PREPARED and be strong, don't let him back in for another round.
The good news is you can arm yourself with knowledge, support (even if it's just online forums and Youtube channels) and the experience will make you stronger and wiser for next time. You are a good person, and you didn't make him leave you. His behavior is sociopathic and that means he's incapable of loving anyone. Not all addicts are sociopathic or narcissists, but if behavior lines up with the very typical cycles of narcissistic abuse (idealize, devalue, discard, recycle), it's much safer to assume your ex-bf is and to get out, protect yourself, grieve, heal and move on, than to continue to be victimized.
BIG HUGS to you. You will survive this.
The reason he drops you and picks up so easily with another woman is narcissists are also addicted to a drug called narcissistic supply.
You being his previous source (and now discarded) supply, he's grooming his next victim, likely showering her will all sorts of attention and idealization which is only the hook for an inevitable devaluation and discard. Be assured she is not claiming any "prize" being with him, and she is in for more of the same as you experienced if she sticks around.
The not having enough energy to have sex...that's the classic "devaluation" phase. A prelude to the discard. Please understand this really has nothing to do with you not being lovable, attractive or "enough" for him. It's manipulation.
Narcissists run the same plays from the same playbooks. What you're experiencing is VERY COMMON and you are not alone.
You may find some of the Youtube channels on recovering from narcissitic abuse very helpful and supportive. I recommend starting with the channel Thrive After Abuse. This woman is a survivor of more than one relationship with a narcissist and has many videos that explain this behavior and can support you to heal (Dana).
The second thing you need to brace yourself for is the narcissist's HOOVER. This is where they try to roll back into your life for another round. Chances are he will pull this, and bank on your loving and sweet nature, and your love for him, to take him back. He will begin the cycle again, but there will be very little to none of the "idealization" phase left. Victims often run on hope for the man they initially fell in love with, or the man they believe he could be and endure the abusive cycles. BE PREPARED and be strong, don't let him back in for another round.
The good news is you can arm yourself with knowledge, support (even if it's just online forums and Youtube channels) and the experience will make you stronger and wiser for next time. You are a good person, and you didn't make him leave you. His behavior is sociopathic and that means he's incapable of loving anyone. Not all addicts are sociopathic or narcissists, but if behavior lines up with the very typical cycles of narcissistic abuse (idealize, devalue, discard, recycle), it's much safer to assume your ex-bf is and to get out, protect yourself, grieve, heal and move on, than to continue to be victimized.
BIG HUGS to you. You will survive this.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"I know his life can end at any time. I will hate myself forever if it happens, maybe I could have saved him if I was there.... "
Even if you are there when he ODs, are you an EMT? Do you have a spare Narcan supply handy? Will you be awake 24/7, just in case he ODs? And obviously you'll have to stop leaving him alone, EVER, so you can't work or even go to the grocery store...or take showers, because what if he ODs in those ten minutes???
I'm trying gently (I hope) to point out the reality behind this line of reasoning.
Honey, he's going to do what he's going to do and no amount of babysitting will change that. It's his responsibility, not yours.
Stay no contact. Someone here says, "Pray for him and stay away from him," and that's really good advice.
Sending you a hug.
Even if you are there when he ODs, are you an EMT? Do you have a spare Narcan supply handy? Will you be awake 24/7, just in case he ODs? And obviously you'll have to stop leaving him alone, EVER, so you can't work or even go to the grocery store...or take showers, because what if he ODs in those ten minutes???
I'm trying gently (I hope) to point out the reality behind this line of reasoning.
Honey, he's going to do what he's going to do and no amount of babysitting will change that. It's his responsibility, not yours.
Stay no contact. Someone here says, "Pray for him and stay away from him," and that's really good advice.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Amen- to what Aries posted! The reality is that any drug user could OD at anytime, anywhere. A person could even OD on prescribed meds that may not normally be considered addictive drugs of choice. Some people have been known to OD on insulin, which can be VERY deadly.
My point is, if you choose to stay with him or go back to him with saving him as your primary motive, I think you will be disappointed sorry, to be totally candid with you....
He's a grown man, much older than you with much more worldly experience. He knows how to get a hold of illicit drugs, and that takes some doing and know-how. He knows the ins and outs of the drug culture and if he wants OUT of the drug culture he is very likely aware of how to get real help. Right NOW he is choosing to 'get help' in the form of his latest enabler.
Hang in there sissi. Right now, YOU are what is most important.
My point is, if you choose to stay with him or go back to him with saving him as your primary motive, I think you will be disappointed sorry, to be totally candid with you....
He's a grown man, much older than you with much more worldly experience. He knows how to get a hold of illicit drugs, and that takes some doing and know-how. He knows the ins and outs of the drug culture and if he wants OUT of the drug culture he is very likely aware of how to get real help. Right NOW he is choosing to 'get help' in the form of his latest enabler.
Hang in there sissi. Right now, YOU are what is most important.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Sissi, congrats for being able to stay away so far. And as we all know, this just hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts!!!! Please do every possible thing you can to be kind to yourself.
If you have any kind of faith, pray hard. I used to visualize holding my XABF in my fist and then opening that clenched fist and letting him go into the arms of God. This didn't automatically cure the hurt and worry but it helped a bit. It was a way of thinking that helped me practice the idea that I am not in charge; I could not save this man; no one could save this man.
Big hug to you you wise wonderful woman!
If you have any kind of faith, pray hard. I used to visualize holding my XABF in my fist and then opening that clenched fist and letting him go into the arms of God. This didn't automatically cure the hurt and worry but it helped a bit. It was a way of thinking that helped me practice the idea that I am not in charge; I could not save this man; no one could save this man.
Big hug to you you wise wonderful woman!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 15
A little report
Dear all, thank you so much, once again, for all your support. Everytime I have had my "bad periods" with anxiety and feelings of hopelesness, I have turned to this thread here on SR to find strength. You are amazing! It is so healing to get in contact with people that is, or has been in, the same situation.
Today its been five weeks since Ive heard from him the last time. Its been the hardest weeks of my life. This break up has really resulted in me facing my entire childhood, growing up with an father addicted to prescripted opiates. Everything about my addicted ex boyfriend sort of reminds me of bad periods during my childhood. However, today I am very proad to have successfully stayed no contact with him for five weeks.
This weekend my friends forced me to join them out on a club. I was very skeptical in the beginning, but after a few drinks we danced and laughed and for the first time in five weeks I felt a little bit happy. In the middle of the night did I meet a guy that I had not seen for years. I have always found him very handsome and nice. It all ended up with him taking my number and since then he has been texting me long messages every day. This has really made me feel better, and there are actually parts of the days when I am feeling quite satisfied with life. Isnt this a good sign? I know that rebound relationships can be damaging, but for the moment I appreciate every little thing that makes me think of something else than my addicted ex boyfriend. What do you think? Probably my ex boyfriend will sooner or later know that I have moved on with someone new, because we are living in a very small town, and that is of course worrying me because I still have the feeling of wanting to save him and not disappoint him.
Today its been five weeks since Ive heard from him the last time. Its been the hardest weeks of my life. This break up has really resulted in me facing my entire childhood, growing up with an father addicted to prescripted opiates. Everything about my addicted ex boyfriend sort of reminds me of bad periods during my childhood. However, today I am very proad to have successfully stayed no contact with him for five weeks.
This weekend my friends forced me to join them out on a club. I was very skeptical in the beginning, but after a few drinks we danced and laughed and for the first time in five weeks I felt a little bit happy. In the middle of the night did I meet a guy that I had not seen for years. I have always found him very handsome and nice. It all ended up with him taking my number and since then he has been texting me long messages every day. This has really made me feel better, and there are actually parts of the days when I am feeling quite satisfied with life. Isnt this a good sign? I know that rebound relationships can be damaging, but for the moment I appreciate every little thing that makes me think of something else than my addicted ex boyfriend. What do you think? Probably my ex boyfriend will sooner or later know that I have moved on with someone new, because we are living in a very small town, and that is of course worrying me because I still have the feeling of wanting to save him and not disappoint him.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Good for you! No contact makes it easier to heal, I believe...not easy, but easier.
Take it verrrryyyyy slowly with the new guy. If he's pushing too hard too fast it's a big red flag that something might be amiss but it's easy to get caught up in feeling flattered and appreciated...been there!
Sending you a congratulatory hug...
Take it verrrryyyyy slowly with the new guy. If he's pushing too hard too fast it's a big red flag that something might be amiss but it's easy to get caught up in feeling flattered and appreciated...been there!
Sending you a congratulatory hug...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by Sissi
Dear all, thank you so much, once again, for all your support. Everytime I have had my "bad periods" with anxiety and feelings of hopelesness, I have turned to this thread here on SR to find strength. You are amazing! It is so healing to get in contact with people that is, or has been in, the same situation.
Today its been five weeks since Ive heard from him the last time. Its been the hardest weeks of my life. This break up has really resulted in me facing my entire childhood, growing up with an father addicted to prescripted opiates. Everything about my addicted ex boyfriend sort of reminds me of bad periods during my childhood. However, today I am very proad to have successfully stayed no contact with him for five weeks.
This weekend my friends forced me to join them out on a club. I was very skeptical in the beginning, but after a few drinks we danced and laughed and for the first time in five weeks I felt a little bit happy. In the middle of the night did I meet a guy that I had not seen for years. I have always found him very handsome and nice. It all ended up with him taking my number and since then he has been texting me long messages every day. This has really made me feel better, and there are actually parts of the days when I am feeling quite satisfied with life. Isnt this a good sign? I know that rebound relationships can be damaging, but for the moment I appreciate every little thing that makes me think of something else than my addicted ex boyfriend. What do you think? Probably my ex boyfriend will sooner or later know that I have moved on with someone new, because we are living in a very small town, and that is of course worrying me because I still have the feeling of wanting to save him and not disappoint him.
Today its been five weeks since Ive heard from him the last time. Its been the hardest weeks of my life. This break up has really resulted in me facing my entire childhood, growing up with an father addicted to prescripted opiates. Everything about my addicted ex boyfriend sort of reminds me of bad periods during my childhood. However, today I am very proad to have successfully stayed no contact with him for five weeks.
This weekend my friends forced me to join them out on a club. I was very skeptical in the beginning, but after a few drinks we danced and laughed and for the first time in five weeks I felt a little bit happy. In the middle of the night did I meet a guy that I had not seen for years. I have always found him very handsome and nice. It all ended up with him taking my number and since then he has been texting me long messages every day. This has really made me feel better, and there are actually parts of the days when I am feeling quite satisfied with life. Isnt this a good sign? I know that rebound relationships can be damaging, but for the moment I appreciate every little thing that makes me think of something else than my addicted ex boyfriend. What do you think? Probably my ex boyfriend will sooner or later know that I have moved on with someone new, because we are living in a very small town, and that is of course worrying me because I still have the feeling of wanting to save him and not disappoint him.
That feeling of wanting to save someone is classic codependency and I hate to admit at 53 I still get this feeling. I laugh at it now but boy is it a powerful pull for me. I also now see it as arrogance in myself; others are perfectly capable of saving themselves if they want. If they don't want that is their right as a human being.
I'm with Aries on the new guy. Take it slow there. Also I understand how wonderful it feels to have someone attracted to you. Enjoy this to the max and go easy.
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