My 20 year old Son
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
I too am very sorry to hear of your sons relapse....my son has relapsed after 9 months sober...started school and got stressed..never really learned the tools to deal with the stress and went back to what he knew. it didn't last long he went back into detox....opiates need detox and re structure and a safe holding tank to get clean....Please work your steps they help me to understand it is not in my control...But then I say he needs me he is only 23...........this time I let go alittle and gave to God, not my comfort place for sure, I told him I was giving him the respect to find his own way and that I loved him enough to stop cheating him out of growing himself. I told him I sold him short by constantly stepping in I told him he was strong enough to do it himself and I am here always.....some words I found on this site.......................hugs to you and your wife, he is young....relapse happens......hopfully he works his program to learn a plan that works when he starts getting the feeling...............................
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
Hi there. I want to say this as kindly, and gently as possible. I don't think it's right that you are using money to have any level of control over your son. I see this as a recipe for disaster and future resentments. Once your child is over 18, his medical care, medications are all his private business and up to him to control. I see you being way too involved in his recovery. You know too much. You are making choices for him that he should be making for himself.
My MIL used to be a micromanager of my husband. Even living 3,000 miles away, she managed to know everything about his life, medical care, medications and it was so suffocating. Once your child turns 18, I believe that they are an adult. You should never do for another, what they can do for themselves. Jean Piaget, a famous child development specialist describes different stages of development. Starting as a toddler, you must allow the child to do for themselves. It starts with simple things, like getting yourself dressed. When you do it for the child, all they learn is, their parent can really do things and I can't.
I understand the compulsion to try to control things when they seem so chaotic. He's taking drugs and you step into control to decrease the chaos in your own mind. I'm also a compulsive rescuer. It is not helping him. Please refocus on yourself. You mentioned that your son wanted you to come out as an alcoholic at the AA meeting. Do you have problems with drinking? Did your drinking affect him in any way? You don't need to answer these questions. These are just things to think about.
You are making progress and it's not always going to be easy. Keep working on yourself and setting a good example for your son through your own actions. Sending much love and healing vibes.
My MIL used to be a micromanager of my husband. Even living 3,000 miles away, she managed to know everything about his life, medical care, medications and it was so suffocating. Once your child turns 18, I believe that they are an adult. You should never do for another, what they can do for themselves. Jean Piaget, a famous child development specialist describes different stages of development. Starting as a toddler, you must allow the child to do for themselves. It starts with simple things, like getting yourself dressed. When you do it for the child, all they learn is, their parent can really do things and I can't.
I understand the compulsion to try to control things when they seem so chaotic. He's taking drugs and you step into control to decrease the chaos in your own mind. I'm also a compulsive rescuer. It is not helping him. Please refocus on yourself. You mentioned that your son wanted you to come out as an alcoholic at the AA meeting. Do you have problems with drinking? Did your drinking affect him in any way? You don't need to answer these questions. These are just things to think about.
You are making progress and it's not always going to be easy. Keep working on yourself and setting a good example for your son through your own actions. Sending much love and healing vibes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
My son suffered a grand mall seizure on Thursday. We left work and drove 2 hours to visit him in ER. They released him within 5 hours. The doctors performed an EEG and discovered a tick in his brain waves. The doctor suggested this tick was pre-existing, and combined with him coming down from the drugs, this tick likely triggered the seizure. The doctor also suggested this tick could be the source of his frustrations, not doing well in school, etc. This new diagnosis gave us hope. The doctor prescribed him anti-seizure medication.
Then we stayed the night with him at his apartment. He slept like a baby. The next morning we went out shopping for him. He was too sore. While we were out, he received a new package in the mail and started using again.
We left.
We've been minimizing our contact with him since Saturday noon. He's afraid we don't "love" him. He thinks we hate him. We told him to start going to meetings and getting help for himself, and to not contact us until he's sober. Hopefully he's at a NA meeting right now.
My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't.
Then we stayed the night with him at his apartment. He slept like a baby. The next morning we went out shopping for him. He was too sore. While we were out, he received a new package in the mail and started using again.
We left.
We've been minimizing our contact with him since Saturday noon. He's afraid we don't "love" him. He thinks we hate him. We told him to start going to meetings and getting help for himself, and to not contact us until he's sober. Hopefully he's at a NA meeting right now.
My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by AWorriedFather 
My son suffered a grand mall seizure on Thursday. We left work and drove 2 hours to visit him in ER. They released him within 5 hours. The doctors performed an EEG and discovered a tick in his brain waves. The doctor suggested this tick was pre-existing, and combined with him coming down from the drugs, this tick likely triggered the seizure. The doctor also suggested this tick could be the source of his frustrations, not doing well in school, etc. This new diagnosis gave us hope. The doctor prescribed him anti-seizure medication.
Then we stayed the night with him at his apartment. He slept like a baby. The next morning we went out shopping for him. He was too sore. While we were out, he received a new package in the mail and started using again.
We left.
We've been minimizing our contact with him since Saturday noon. He's afraid we don't "love" him. He thinks we hate him. We told him to start going to meetings and getting help for himself, and to not contact us until he's sober. Hopefully he's at a NA meeting right now.
My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't.
Then we stayed the night with him at his apartment. He slept like a baby. The next morning we went out shopping for him. He was too sore. While we were out, he received a new package in the mail and started using again.
We left.
We've been minimizing our contact with him since Saturday noon. He's afraid we don't "love" him. He thinks we hate him. We told him to start going to meetings and getting help for himself, and to not contact us until he's sober. Hopefully he's at a NA meeting right now.
My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't.
Keep praying and getting to meetings.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 109
I am so sorry to hear about your son relapsing and having such health troubles to deal with.
I have recently been lurking and I saw your post and wanted to see the updates. I'm heartbroken for you and your wife. Take care of each other.
My prayers for your son and for all of the addicts.
I have recently been lurking and I saw your post and wanted to see the updates. I'm heartbroken for you and your wife. Take care of each other.
My prayers for your son and for all of the addicts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
A Worried Father: re: your most recent post:
I am sending prayers for your son -- that he will choose recovery, that he will experience better health; as well, prayers for you and your wife -- for comfort and hope during the difficult days ahead.
You shared, "My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't. "
When it comes to my relationship with my adult son, making and keeping boundaries (one of which has been giving myself permission to have my own space and privacy) has opened up opportunities for me to focus on acceptance, healing and growth.
I am sending prayers for your son -- that he will choose recovery, that he will experience better health; as well, prayers for you and your wife -- for comfort and hope during the difficult days ahead.
You shared, "My wife and I are starting to isolate ourselves from him. It's too painful if we don't. "
When it comes to my relationship with my adult son, making and keeping boundaries (one of which has been giving myself permission to have my own space and privacy) has opened up opportunities for me to focus on acceptance, healing and growth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Just to give you an update. He's 90 days sober. He overdosed one more time since the seizure, and made an 8th trip to ER this year. I guess this last time was enough to scare him, more than the seizure. Now he seems to be a believer in Step 1.
Prior to this last event, after the seizure, we called his PO, and his PO ramped up the number of times he must attend meetings each week. He has a sponsor and he's working the steps.
Things seem to be better.
Mom and I are attending weekly nar-anon meetings and it helps immensely.
Prior to this last event, after the seizure, we called his PO, and his PO ramped up the number of times he must attend meetings each week. He has a sponsor and he's working the steps.
Things seem to be better.
Mom and I are attending weekly nar-anon meetings and it helps immensely.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
AWF,
That is great news! I've wondered several times how you all were doing. I'm also so glad that you and your wife found a meeting. I also find face to face meetings a great help. Just knowing that you are not the only family dealing with this seems to help. Thank you for the update!
Jaeger
That is great news! I've wondered several times how you all were doing. I'm also so glad that you and your wife found a meeting. I also find face to face meetings a great help. Just knowing that you are not the only family dealing with this seems to help. Thank you for the update!
Jaeger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
I owe you an update.
Not good.
He overdosed two weeks ago. He walked away from his apartment and was found wandering in the streets. The police got involved and delivered him to a local ER. He doesn't remember a thing.
I made an agreement with his PO: we picked our son up from ER on a Friday, and brought him home for a 3 day weekend. The PO arrested him the following Tuesday during a "normal" visit (I didn't know this was planned, but expected it. So did my son.). I gave the judicial system enough information to detain him. He spent 9 days in jail. After, he agreed to enroll in a Salvation Army Rehab Center for six months. He is there now. It seems like a great place. If he fails he'll likely go back to jail.
I have his phone. He was three months behind on several bills. Bill collectors were calling him. He racked up several thousands of dollars on credit. He was flirting with using online drugs the whole time, I believe, and he was corresponding with old drug aquatints, still chasing the drug, and still looking for ways to work he system, as far as I can tell.
He failed a fall engineering coarse and was kicked out of the engineering program.
We video recorded his behavior this time, and played it back in front of him three days later. One thing I noticed is that he still carries a big ego. I'm hoping the video tamed it a little. He never remembers what he did, but now he witnessed it.. He was a fool.
Mom and I are still attending nanon meetings and they have been very helpful. We are in the process of vacating and subleasing our son's apartment to recoup some of our money. The apartment lease was the only thing we were paying for, and any passed classes prepaid by him.
We'll see what he chooses at rehab this time.
Happy new year.
Not good.
He overdosed two weeks ago. He walked away from his apartment and was found wandering in the streets. The police got involved and delivered him to a local ER. He doesn't remember a thing.
I made an agreement with his PO: we picked our son up from ER on a Friday, and brought him home for a 3 day weekend. The PO arrested him the following Tuesday during a "normal" visit (I didn't know this was planned, but expected it. So did my son.). I gave the judicial system enough information to detain him. He spent 9 days in jail. After, he agreed to enroll in a Salvation Army Rehab Center for six months. He is there now. It seems like a great place. If he fails he'll likely go back to jail.
I have his phone. He was three months behind on several bills. Bill collectors were calling him. He racked up several thousands of dollars on credit. He was flirting with using online drugs the whole time, I believe, and he was corresponding with old drug aquatints, still chasing the drug, and still looking for ways to work he system, as far as I can tell.
He failed a fall engineering coarse and was kicked out of the engineering program.
We video recorded his behavior this time, and played it back in front of him three days later. One thing I noticed is that he still carries a big ego. I'm hoping the video tamed it a little. He never remembers what he did, but now he witnessed it.. He was a fool.
Mom and I are still attending nanon meetings and they have been very helpful. We are in the process of vacating and subleasing our son's apartment to recoup some of our money. The apartment lease was the only thing we were paying for, and any passed classes prepaid by him.
We'll see what he chooses at rehab this time.
Happy new year.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
You are good parents. Logic and love do not make good friends with addiction. I will not presume to give advice. I give your son, you, wife and your family my prayers and support. Addiction sucks. PJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
It's a classic story isn't it. We stoked his ego to a level he is unable to maintain as a young adult. Sometimes I swear this is the root of the problem. He desperately maintains his ego by living behind a hollow shell, and you can see this when he's under the influence.
I'm not sure the Salvation Army will help him. It's a great program but I know he's only focused on finding a way to tolerate it after 3 days. I didn't want to be around him when we visited him on Sunday. His behavior was so predictable.
I'm not sure the Salvation Army will help him. It's a great program but I know he's only focused on finding a way to tolerate it after 3 days. I didn't want to be around him when we visited him on Sunday. His behavior was so predictable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
My son in his 5 th rehab 3 over doses and I still hear the ego over the phone, I believe for my son its his age. He also was able to do anything he set his mind too. Talked to his counselor who believes the same ego...once he gets it will work in his favor...............I pray for that of course but any over dose can take him before the ego gets humble. Meetings help me a great deal im glad you and your wife attend. I send you prayers and hope this will be your sons turning point.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Same here, the EGO is so ingrained in my sons personality and I think that in all male rehabs, the testosterone levels soar. THOUGH, if they can apply the beliefs and the practical tools provided them, then their EGO's can help them achieve other goals as well. My son reflected to me on how we was able to get $150 a day to support his drug habit, so if he could apply that much of his talent and time to real life, he could accomplish so much more! AWF, sometimes the lifestyle in rehab is necessary for them to embrace a new way of thinking. Maybe you can leave him be for a week or two and see how it goes?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
An update:
My son overdosed while living at the Salvation Army in early March. As a result, he was sentenced to 6 months in Federal prison (for the original dwi offense on federal property). I was willing to testify against my son. I thanked the judge for sentencing him the max time.
The Salvation Army underwent a shakedown and at least one person was fired. The SA was foremost a business I now believe. No roses.
My son served his 6 month prison sentence with no issues, with one month of his time spent floating in state prisons. The state prisons are nasty. Drugs are available everywhere.
My son has been out for 2 months now. He is different. Humble. Afraid. Careful. Caring. Kind. He has been attending NA/AA meetings once a week, does not want to use any prescription drugs (refused them from the doctor), does not drink, works full time, is working towards paying off his debt. He has been living 100 miles away with his girlfriend and they both visit us every few weeks, that's the rule. She is still attending college.
My son's world view is still not fully repaired IMO because he is still mainly staying clean to prevent from going back to prison, but he's coming around. He is now a pleasure to talk to. His memory is much better. He makes comments that are more mature. I am hopeful his world view will continue to improve as he stays clean. His life seems to be continuously improving. His anxiety is significantly decreased.
I am thankful that my son mingled with the right crowd in prison, so it seems. They impacted him. He was placed in a low security prison and hung around with the weight lifters. He was the second youngest person in the prison. They lectured him. They held a going away party that involved beating him (with love) to ensure that he doesn't come back.
My son wants to go back to school. I told him I needed one year of sobriety out of prison from him before I will even think about helping him financially with college. We've thrown so much away to date. We are continuing to float him $75/week to help him pay for rent and food, and we paid off a few thousand dollars in medical bills.
Just think, had I not hired a lawyer, had I just let him go to prison two years ago......I wonder.
My wife and I attend naranon meetings regularly and it helps.
Godspeed SR members. I know your pain.
My son overdosed while living at the Salvation Army in early March. As a result, he was sentenced to 6 months in Federal prison (for the original dwi offense on federal property). I was willing to testify against my son. I thanked the judge for sentencing him the max time.
The Salvation Army underwent a shakedown and at least one person was fired. The SA was foremost a business I now believe. No roses.
My son served his 6 month prison sentence with no issues, with one month of his time spent floating in state prisons. The state prisons are nasty. Drugs are available everywhere.
My son has been out for 2 months now. He is different. Humble. Afraid. Careful. Caring. Kind. He has been attending NA/AA meetings once a week, does not want to use any prescription drugs (refused them from the doctor), does not drink, works full time, is working towards paying off his debt. He has been living 100 miles away with his girlfriend and they both visit us every few weeks, that's the rule. She is still attending college.
My son's world view is still not fully repaired IMO because he is still mainly staying clean to prevent from going back to prison, but he's coming around. He is now a pleasure to talk to. His memory is much better. He makes comments that are more mature. I am hopeful his world view will continue to improve as he stays clean. His life seems to be continuously improving. His anxiety is significantly decreased.
I am thankful that my son mingled with the right crowd in prison, so it seems. They impacted him. He was placed in a low security prison and hung around with the weight lifters. He was the second youngest person in the prison. They lectured him. They held a going away party that involved beating him (with love) to ensure that he doesn't come back.
My son wants to go back to school. I told him I needed one year of sobriety out of prison from him before I will even think about helping him financially with college. We've thrown so much away to date. We are continuing to float him $75/week to help him pay for rent and food, and we paid off a few thousand dollars in medical bills.
Just think, had I not hired a lawyer, had I just let him go to prison two years ago......I wonder.
My wife and I attend naranon meetings regularly and it helps.
Godspeed SR members. I know your pain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Thank you for the update, AWF.
Sounds like things are going pretty well.
I have a family member who did not go to prison, but did go through rehab 3 times.
He has been clean and sober for 5 years.
Success stories happen.
Sounds like things are going pretty well.
I have a family member who did not go to prison, but did go through rehab 3 times.
He has been clean and sober for 5 years.
Success stories happen.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I believe in strangely wrapped gifts, those blessings we see in hindsight after our lives have been shaken.
Prison was this gift for your son...but remember that it was prison AFTER a few months in rehab!! He may have got enough recovery in rehab (before the overdose) to help him find a better path in prison. Timing is everything and so please don't blame yourself for not sending him to prison sooner. That may have had a different outcome, we'll never know.
I am so glad he is chasing recovery today, doing the "do" things and trying to make a better life for himself.
It's all one day at a time for any of us, so embrace the situation and enjoy your life once more.
So glad you came by with the update. I have kept you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
Prison was this gift for your son...but remember that it was prison AFTER a few months in rehab!! He may have got enough recovery in rehab (before the overdose) to help him find a better path in prison. Timing is everything and so please don't blame yourself for not sending him to prison sooner. That may have had a different outcome, we'll never know.
I am so glad he is chasing recovery today, doing the "do" things and trying to make a better life for himself.
It's all one day at a time for any of us, so embrace the situation and enjoy your life once more.
So glad you came by with the update. I have kept you and your family in my prayers.
Hugs
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