Stuck in someone else's rut
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 4
Stuck in someone else's rut
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years , 3 of the 5 have been using opiates . I have watched him detox and relapse multiple times . This last detox lasted 7 days and then relapsed . He told me because I was stressing him out . We have a 2 year little girl . With this last relapse I kicked him out of our house . He is now asking me if he can come home to detox ... That's where I'm stuck
I don't know what the right thing to do is ? I don't really want me and my daughter to go through this again . Anyone with experience with this ? I just need help !
Thank you !
I don't know what the right thing to do is ? I don't really want me and my daughter to go through this again . Anyone with experience with this ? I just need help !
Thank you !
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Snelling, why can't he detox elsewhere? Usually the advice is they come home once they've had at least a year's sobriety and are working a program.
You know him best. Do you think he really wants to detox, or is he using it as an excuse for somewhere to lay his head?
BTW - they use because they're addicts. It's a common excuse that someone else is 'making' them use, because it passes the blame away from them. Don't fall for it for 1 second.
You know him best. Do you think he really wants to detox, or is he using it as an excuse for somewhere to lay his head?
BTW - they use because they're addicts. It's a common excuse that someone else is 'making' them use, because it passes the blame away from them. Don't fall for it for 1 second.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi TSnelling,
I don't have specific advice for you, however I can share what I did.
I found out my husband was using heroin last October. When I found out he quit cold turkey. It was the first time he was detoxing in front of me, He had a heroin habit many years ago, I thought all that was in the past, however I have more recently come to realise he was also using something, whether it be drink, drugs or pain killers, pretty much the whole time we've been together.
Anyway so when I found out he wanted to detox in our home, even though it was the first time I said NO.
I wasn't willing to put myself through that, and I didn't want to watch my husband that way. I am pretty strong on tough love and I figured these were he choices so he could deal with the consequences.
I checked him in to a hotel round the corner to detox. I left him with lots of liquids, some food and instructions to call an ambulance if he needed to.
I had no idea if I was doing the right thing.
The good things about my choice were I didn't have to watch him detox. He had to take responsibility for his own actions and face the consequences.
The bad things about it were my anxiety levels went through the roof. I was terrified he was going to die and it would be my fault. It was REALLY rough on me. I don't think I slept that whole time. And his family didn't understand what I was doing. I think they thought I was a heartless b*tch!
Well I kept in touch with him via phone and 3 days later I went to pick him up. Unfortunately he was in such as state and dehydrated that I had to take him to the hospital, where he finished the detox. His kidneys nearly packed up (they didn't though).
Although this sounds awful, it was still his own doing. He chose to use H and he chose to quit cold turkey. Personally I really believe it's important for the addicted person to feel the full consequences of their actions.
Although it was harsh I don't regret what I chose to do, although I did feel guilty sometimes and doubt my choices (I think thats normal too).
If I had that time over again I don't know what I would do - probably the same, although it's one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
If I was still with him and he was detoxing for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time etc I definitely wouldn't let him do it in the house.
I said I would help him get back on his feet ONCE. And I meant it.
I don't think this is a decision anyone else can make for you, and it is a hard thing you are dealing with.
However from where I am standing you have given him lots of chances.
Thinking of your daughter I think these things can really affect children in ways we don't realise... so that is perhaps something to bear in mind.
What do you feel would be the best thing here for you and her?
I don't have specific advice for you, however I can share what I did.
I found out my husband was using heroin last October. When I found out he quit cold turkey. It was the first time he was detoxing in front of me, He had a heroin habit many years ago, I thought all that was in the past, however I have more recently come to realise he was also using something, whether it be drink, drugs or pain killers, pretty much the whole time we've been together.
Anyway so when I found out he wanted to detox in our home, even though it was the first time I said NO.
I wasn't willing to put myself through that, and I didn't want to watch my husband that way. I am pretty strong on tough love and I figured these were he choices so he could deal with the consequences.
I checked him in to a hotel round the corner to detox. I left him with lots of liquids, some food and instructions to call an ambulance if he needed to.
I had no idea if I was doing the right thing.
The good things about my choice were I didn't have to watch him detox. He had to take responsibility for his own actions and face the consequences.
The bad things about it were my anxiety levels went through the roof. I was terrified he was going to die and it would be my fault. It was REALLY rough on me. I don't think I slept that whole time. And his family didn't understand what I was doing. I think they thought I was a heartless b*tch!
Well I kept in touch with him via phone and 3 days later I went to pick him up. Unfortunately he was in such as state and dehydrated that I had to take him to the hospital, where he finished the detox. His kidneys nearly packed up (they didn't though).
Although this sounds awful, it was still his own doing. He chose to use H and he chose to quit cold turkey. Personally I really believe it's important for the addicted person to feel the full consequences of their actions.
Although it was harsh I don't regret what I chose to do, although I did feel guilty sometimes and doubt my choices (I think thats normal too).
If I had that time over again I don't know what I would do - probably the same, although it's one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
If I was still with him and he was detoxing for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time etc I definitely wouldn't let him do it in the house.
I said I would help him get back on his feet ONCE. And I meant it.
I don't think this is a decision anyone else can make for you, and it is a hard thing you are dealing with.
However from where I am standing you have given him lots of chances.
Thinking of your daughter I think these things can really affect children in ways we don't realise... so that is perhaps something to bear in mind.
What do you feel would be the best thing here for you and her?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by TSnelling 
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years , 3 of the 5 have been using opiates . I have watched him detox and relapse multiple times . This last detox lasted 7 days and then relapsed . He told me because I was stressing him out . We have a 2 year little girl . With this last relapse I kicked him out of our house . He is now asking me if he can come home to detox ... That's where I'm stuck
I don't know what the right thing to do is ? I don't really want me and my daughter to go through this again . Anyone with experience with this ? I just need help !
Thank you !
I don't know what the right thing to do is ? I don't really want me and my daughter to go through this again . Anyone with experience with this ? I just need help !
Thank you !
I'd like to point something out here:
This last detox lasted 7 days and then relapsed . He told me because I was stressing him out
It is a lot of hard work to come off any sort of drug, but opiates are especially brutal. Until he decides that he's done, follows that up with a course of treatment, and has a plan in place to not relapse, this cycle will continue unabated.
I encourage you to not allow him home. Why not? Well, three big reasons. The first reason is safe detoxing from opiates can only be done in a controlled environment. The second reason is if you do allow him home, he'll continue to assume he can do anything he wants and not pay a price. You've dealt with his act for 3 years now. It's time he experiences the consequences of his actions. The third reason is he's not to be trusted around your daughter. Period.
There are plenty of women here who've been in similar spots. Seek out their posts, read them, and absorb as much as you can. Knowledge is key right now, and the only one that can turn this around is him. And until you have tangible evidence that he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, I wouldn't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.
Please, be safe...and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Hi
He drank because he is an alcoholic and that is what they do!
You and your daughter have the right to feel safe in your own home. Having a detoxing alcoholic will cause great disruption and feelings of being unsafe.
I would encourage you to put yourself and your daughter first.
He drank because he is an alcoholic and that is what they do!
You and your daughter have the right to feel safe in your own home. Having a detoxing alcoholic will cause great disruption and feelings of being unsafe.
I would encourage you to put yourself and your daughter first.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I recently finally decided to boot my AH out of the house.
Why?
Because I have tried allowing him to detox at home, thinking the same thing-that it's safer, more supportive & that he would be more likely to stay clean with that support & security.
He has continued to mess up in various ways, so he is no longer living with us. It is hard. Very, very hard. I know he loves our 5month old son very much but even that isn't a good enough incentive for him to put someone else before his addiction/himself.
I have had to learn & put into action the concept that no one can cure him, change him or cause him to do ANYTHING-good or bad. If he is going to get clean & stay clean, it will have to come from him. So even though he's not living with us, if he does choose to use again or whatever, that's on him, not on me.
Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was fun. I left the house, hung out with a friend all day & had a good time.
Today sucks.
That's just how it is going to go, I guess. I may never know what he chooses to do, if he chooses to not contact me again. I haven't heard from him in several days now.
There is nothing I can do about that. And that's just the way it is, so I need to keep moving for my son's sake, just like you need to keep moving for yours & your daughter's sake.
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR BOYFRIEND. He is failing himself.
Big huge hugs.
Why?
Because I have tried allowing him to detox at home, thinking the same thing-that it's safer, more supportive & that he would be more likely to stay clean with that support & security.
He has continued to mess up in various ways, so he is no longer living with us. It is hard. Very, very hard. I know he loves our 5month old son very much but even that isn't a good enough incentive for him to put someone else before his addiction/himself.
I have had to learn & put into action the concept that no one can cure him, change him or cause him to do ANYTHING-good or bad. If he is going to get clean & stay clean, it will have to come from him. So even though he's not living with us, if he does choose to use again or whatever, that's on him, not on me.
Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was fun. I left the house, hung out with a friend all day & had a good time.
Today sucks.
That's just how it is going to go, I guess. I may never know what he chooses to do, if he chooses to not contact me again. I haven't heard from him in several days now.
There is nothing I can do about that. And that's just the way it is, so I need to keep moving for my son's sake, just like you need to keep moving for yours & your daughter's sake.
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR BOYFRIEND. He is failing himself.
Big huge hugs.
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