Stuck in someone else's rut
 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years , 3 of the 5 have been using opiates . I have watched him detox and relapse multiple times . This last detox lasted 7 days and then relapsed . He told me because I was stressing him out . We have a 2 year little girl . With this last relapse I kicked him out of our house . He is now asking me if he can come home to detox ... That's where I'm stuck
I don't know what the right thing to do is ? I don't really want me and my daughter to go through this again . Anyone with experience with this ? I just need help !

Thank you !

Hi Snelling, why can't he detox elsewhere? Usually the advice is they come home once they've had at least a year's sobriety and are working a program.

You know him best. Do you think he really wants to detox, or is he using it as an excuse for somewhere to lay his head?

BTW - they use because they're addicts. It's a common excuse that someone else is 'making' them use, because it passes the blame away from them. Don't fall for it for 1 second.

Hi TSnelling,

I don't have specific advice for you, however I can share what I did.

I found out my husband was using heroin last October. When I found out he quit cold turkey. It was the first time he was detoxing in front of me, He had a heroin habit many years ago, I thought all that was in the past, however I have more recently come to realise he was also using something, whether it be drink, drugs or pain killers, pretty much the whole time we've been together.

Anyway so when I found out he wanted to detox in our home, even though it was the first time I said NO.

I wasn't willing to put myself through that, and I didn't want to watch my husband that way. I am pretty strong on tough love and I figured these were he choices so he could deal with the consequences.

I checked him in to a hotel round the corner to detox. I left him with lots of liquids, some food and instructions to call an ambulance if he needed to.

I had no idea if I was doing the right thing.

The good things about my choice were I didn't have to watch him detox. He had to take responsibility for his own actions and face the consequences.

The bad things about it were my anxiety levels went through the roof. I was terrified he was going to die and it would be my fault. It was REALLY rough on me. I don't think I slept that whole time. And his family didn't understand what I was doing. I think they thought I was a heartless b*tch!

Well I kept in touch with him via phone and 3 days later I went to pick him up. Unfortunately he was in such as state and dehydrated that I had to take him to the hospital, where he finished the detox. His kidneys nearly packed up (they didn't though).

Although this sounds awful, it was still his own doing. He chose to use H and he chose to quit cold turkey. Personally I really believe it's important for the addicted person to feel the full consequences of their actions.

Although it was harsh I don't regret what I chose to do, although I did feel guilty sometimes and doubt my choices (I think thats normal too).

If I had that time over again I don't know what I would do - probably the same, although it's one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

If I was still with him and he was detoxing for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time etc I definitely wouldn't let him do it in the house.

I said I would help him get back on his feet ONCE. And I meant it.

I don't think this is a decision anyone else can make for you, and it is a hard thing you are dealing with.

However from where I am standing you have given him lots of chances.

Thinking of your daughter I think these things can really affect children in ways we don't realise... so that is perhaps something to bear in mind.

What do you feel would be the best thing here for you and her?

TS...I see you're relatively new to us, so Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, but grateful that you've found us and have reached out for support.

I'd like to point something out here:

Don't believe a word of this. He relapsed because, as with his other relapses, he gave himself permission to do so. When he relapses, what he's effectively doing is putting his addiction first. It comes before you, and it comes before your 2 year old girl.

It is a lot of hard work to come off any sort of drug, but opiates are especially brutal. Until he decides that he's done, follows that up with a course of treatment, and has a plan in place to not relapse, this cycle will continue unabated.

I encourage you to not allow him home. Why not? Well, three big reasons. The first reason is safe detoxing from opiates can only be done in a controlled environment. The second reason is if you do allow him home, he'll continue to assume he can do anything he wants and not pay a price. You've dealt with his act for 3 years now. It's time he experiences the consequences of his actions. The third reason is he's not to be trusted around your daughter. Period.

There are plenty of women here who've been in similar spots. Seek out their posts, read them, and absorb as much as you can. Knowledge is key right now, and the only one that can turn this around is him. And until you have tangible evidence that he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, I wouldn't trust a thing that comes out of his mouth.

Please, be safe...and again, Welcome to the Board.

Everyone has their own boundaries and point where enough is enough. Only you can answer that. Keep reading the posts... they help immensely.

Thank you all for welcoming me and responding, I haven't decided what to do just yet

No is a complete sentence. Stay strong.

Hi

He drank because he is an alcoholic and that is what they do!

You and your daughter have the right to feel safe in your own home. Having a detoxing alcoholic will cause great disruption and feelings of being unsafe.

I would encourage you to put yourself and your daughter first.

I recently finally decided to boot my AH out of the house.
Why?

Because I have tried allowing him to detox at home, thinking the same thing-that it's safer, more supportive & that he would be more likely to stay clean with that support & security.

He has continued to mess up in various ways, so he is no longer living with us. It is hard. Very, very hard. I know he loves our 5month old son very much but even that isn't a good enough incentive for him to put someone else before his addiction/himself.

I have had to learn & put into action the concept that no one can cure him, change him or cause him to do ANYTHING-good or bad. If he is going to get clean & stay clean, it will have to come from him. So even though he's not living with us, if he does choose to use again or whatever, that's on him, not on me.

Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was fun. I left the house, hung out with a friend all day & had a good time.

Today sucks.

That's just how it is going to go, I guess. I may never know what he chooses to do, if he chooses to not contact me again. I haven't heard from him in several days now.

There is nothing I can do about that. And that's just the way it is, so I need to keep moving for my son's sake, just like you need to keep moving for yours & your daughter's sake.

YOU HAVE NOT FAILED YOUR BOYFRIEND. He is failing himself.

Big huge hugs.