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Old 07-20-2013, 09:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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why can't I just hate him?!!!

why after being separated for over 2 yrs from AH do I even care about his well being? after being manipulated, lied to, etc. etc, and all this is putting it mildly. after him not even acknowledging that he has a problem; calling it a phase that he went through, but still not being able to take a drug test; after using his own daughter's emotions in arguments (she was only 5 or younger); after being behind in child support and not really caring about it at all (other than being concerned about being locked up); after not paying mortgage and losing our home; after seeing him with another woman by chance; after so many other things - WHY do I still care about him?!!!

why do I hope that he will find recovery? why do I hope that he will get out of his denial and seek help? why do I still even care?

sorry, this looks like a rant. but it does puzzle me. it would be so much easier if I could just hate him and not care and go on about my life. not to mention all the time I spend researching addiction, addicts behaviors, etc., etc. all that time could have been spend doing things to directly benefit me, instead of focusing on his problem.

anyways, just wondering if anyone has similar feelings. any and all input is appreciated.

thank you all for all the support. hugs and hope.
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Old 07-21-2013, 04:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Why not take time today and find a meeting for yourself. Maybe if you begin taking care of yourself, your mind will stay focused on that and then you can deal with your past, when you find your balance in "today".

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Old 07-21-2013, 04:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi you care because you maybe still love him or you love the idea, you became his carer . You remember how nice he could be how nice he could be to you. I too was in your situation and even after I left him I used to go back to check he was ok which half the time he wasn't. This went on for a few years then he lost every thing and had to move 400 miles away to his parents he had hit rock bottom. After all he had done I still cared .
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Old 07-21-2013, 05:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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It's ok to care.....just don't care more about him than you do yourself.

I did move into a place of hatred and resentment with my XAH after I divorced him and I stayed there for a long time. Too long. It did nothing for (or to) him, but I believe it hurt my son and ultimately, it was an extremely unhealthy place for me to reside for so many years.

It would have been much healthier for me (and my son) if I had understood the concept of detaching with love.

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Old 07-21-2013, 10:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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welcome to S.R. i am happy u have found us. find a meeting, focus on yourself. let go & let God. you can make a good life for u & your daughter. prayers,
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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thank you all for your kind responses.

you are right, I still care about him and love him. and I am ok with that part. maybe "hate" was not the right word. what I meant was - I can't figure out why don't I even seem to be mad when he does these things. I understand that he is sick, however that still should not make it ok to treat me and the kids this way. and I know that, yet somehow it is almost as if it is ok.

boy, I think that I need to work a lot on myself. the more I think about it the deeper it gets. I say this because I see that pattern with other people that I care about, like my family of origin.

but, back to him. or me. i'm trying to figure out my lack of getting upset with him. I recently talked to one of my friends about my situation, and I told her that I wasn't mad with him. she said "i'm mad with him". with me it's more like, I love him no matter what. which doesn't seem healthy for me.

don't mean to make this too long, but it helps to just get it out. I feel like i'm talking about it in the meeting. not big on talking to a group face to face. I like one on one conversations. and I love coming to SR. this site has been a lifesaver through this all.

thank you all for analyzing all my personal dilemmas and listening to my complaints as I journey on. love you guys. big hugs and a lot of hope, because I know many are in a far worse spot than I. thanks again.
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Old 07-21-2013, 12:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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i hear you..i havent been nearly as long as you but i still have feelings even after everything that was done to me....and i mean there was so much that if a friend told me what happened i would think hes crazy for still having feeling for her...but i heard from someone the other day that you cant help who you love and maybe i have this image of a beautiful innocent girl who was the one i wanted to spend my life with..the reality of things are appearing to be different to me though...i also think the crazy rollercoaster ride that we go on is addictive in some ways...obvioulsy not a good way but when thats the ride ive been on for the last 3 years idk how a "normal" relationship will feel
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Old 07-21-2013, 02:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by pacificsunrise View Post
why after being separated for over 2 yrs from AH do I even care about his well being? after being manipulated, lied to, etc. etc, and all this is putting it mildly. after him not even acknowledging that he has a problem; calling it a phase that he went through, but still not being able to take a drug test; after using his own daughter's emotions in arguments (she was only 5 or younger); after being behind in child support and not really caring about it at all (other than being concerned about being locked up); after not paying mortgage and losing our home; after seeing him with another woman by chance; after so many other things - WHY do I still care about him?!!!

why do I hope that he will find recovery? why do I hope that he will get out of his denial and seek help? why do I still even care?

sorry, this looks like a rant. but it does puzzle me. it would be so much easier if I could just hate him and not care and go on about my life. not to mention all the time I spend researching addiction, addicts behaviors, etc., etc. all that time could have been spend doing things to directly benefit me, instead of focusing on his problem.

anyways, just wondering if anyone has similar feelings. any and all input is appreciated.

thank you all for all the support. hugs and hope.
So on one end of the spectrum, you "love" him. One the other, you "hate" him. And in between there are infinitely many emotions that, chances are, you'll be experiencing at some point down the road when you think about your AH.

Everyone's different. In my case, I don't hate my AXGF. But I've also made no secret on this board that I think she's disgusting, and I'm thankful and happy she's no longer in my life. See, when she did what she did, she tripped my emotional circuit breakers...and as a result, whatever love I had for her ceased to exist at that very moment. Maybe it's because I'm a guy. Or maybe it's because I learned something about myself that day: if you gun for me emotionally, you get cut off. Period.

But you're not me. You're you. And your situation is different because you were married to this man and had children with him. So, what it sounds like to me is you're sifting through a bunch of emotions, trying to make sense of everything that's happened. That's normal. Just keep living your life and going forward. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. Don't fight it. And maybe when it gets really bad, you can tell yourself that this is how you feel today, at this moment. It's not how you'll feel in the future.

Hang in there.

ZoSo
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Old 07-21-2013, 10:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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thank you theotherhalf and zoso for responding.

both of you guys are right in two different ways.

theotherhalf - I agree with being in love with this image of a person that is not entirely real. for my AH, he is such a nice guy "for the most of the time" and everyone on the outside who doesn't know of his addiction thinks that he is the most wonderful person, gentle, understanding and so on. and he is; to them. he works with disadvantaged kids and youth, is very patient with people in general and very charming. at home, he would also display these wonderful characteristics, cooking, cleaning, playing with kids, and so on. wonderful husband overall. and it would be wonderful, if there was not a down side - his drug use, lies, and manipulation that goes along with it. he was wonderful as long as I did not interfere with his drug use and drug business. as long as I was willing to overlook that his "hanging out" was happening more often and was more of a necessity than just leisure. and so on, you get the picture.
what I am trying to say, I guess, is that the wonderful side of him makes it so much harder to let go. I know that he can be wonderful, but now I also know that it was not real. and that is hard for me to swallow. the wonderful man of my dreams that I have married simply does not exist and probably never did. that was a huge blow to my self perception and my ego in a way. how could I have been so wrong. but it is a work in progress and I am trying to work more on myself for my sake and for that of my kids. hope you find peace with your situation, sorry for the circumstances. sending you hugs and hope.

zoso - as always, I really appreciate your input. right now, I am trying to work more on myself. which also means that you guys might see more of my self examining threads, so be prepared, lol. it took me a long time to get where I am now, and now i'm beginning to realize that I still have a very, very long way to go. but now, it does not seem to be so scary as it was in the beginning. I have been able to work through some of my denial about the situation. in the beginning, I just wanted him to stop and get help and get my happy life back. since then, I have accepted the fact that he may or may not ever get the help or even realize that he needs it. and I have made peace with that. further more, even if he did decide to get help like tomorrow, the future is still uncertain and would take a long time and a lot of work to try to rebuild anything. and frankly, after investing so many years of my life into other people, i'm not so sure that I am up to it any more. don't mean to sound harsh, just be realistic for once (not my strong point, I much prefer fantasy - then I get to have everything my way, lol). this time, I am investing my time in myself.
I am amazed at your progress and transformation. I still remember when you first joined SR and all the woes w/ your exAGF. you have done fantastic. also, wanted to congratulate you on completing your master's degree. way to go. and thank you so much for deciding to stick around and share your advice and story. it makes so much difference, as it is obvious that you genuinely care about your fellow member. thank you so much. hugs and hope.
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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...not to mention all the time I spend researching addiction, addicts behaviors, etc., etc. all that time could have been spend doing things to directly benefit me, instead of focusing on his problem.
I completely relate to this only recently have I developed an aversion to sites that I used to frequent daily, such as thefix.com, in order to learn as much as I could about my ex-partner's illness.

Although I believe that a certain amount of knowledge about addiction is necessary when one has a relationship with someone who is addicted to substances, there's a point where it becomes a type of fantasizing ("What if THIS happens?" or, "How can I use this information to help (read: control) my partner?", etc.) It's demonstrative of ongoing control issues at least in my case it is. Beyond what I already know about substance addiction, there's really nothing more that I need to know, no more time I need to invest (if I ever really "needed" to invest ANY time). He's the one who needs to research, communicate, seek help for his illness *any more energy expended by me for HIS recovery is energy that I waste, and keeps me imprisoned by obsessive thinking.
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