Originally Posted by
pacificsunrise 
why after being separated for over 2 yrs from AH do I even care about his well being? after being manipulated, lied to, etc. etc, and all this is putting it mildly. after him not even acknowledging that he has a problem; calling it a phase that he went through, but still not being able to take a drug test; after using his own daughter's emotions in arguments (she was only 5 or younger); after being behind in child support and not really caring about it at all (other than being concerned about being locked up); after not paying mortgage and losing our home; after seeing him with another woman by chance; after so many other things - WHY do I still care about him?!!!
why do I hope that he will find recovery? why do I hope that he will get out of his denial and seek help? why do I still even care?
sorry, this looks like a rant. but it does puzzle me. it would be so much easier if I could just hate him and not care and go on about my life. not to mention all the time I spend researching addiction, addicts behaviors, etc., etc. all that time could have been spend doing things to directly benefit me, instead of focusing on his problem.
anyways, just wondering if anyone has similar feelings. any and all input is appreciated.
thank you all for all the support. hugs and hope.
So on one end of the spectrum, you "love" him. One the other, you "hate" him. And in between there are infinitely many emotions that, chances are, you'll be experiencing at some point down the road when you think about your AH.
Everyone's different. In my case, I don't hate my AXGF. But I've also made no secret on this board that I think she's disgusting, and I'm thankful and happy she's no longer in my life. See, when she did what she did, she tripped my emotional circuit breakers...and as a result, whatever love I had for her ceased to exist at that very moment. Maybe it's because I'm a guy. Or maybe it's because I learned something about myself that day: if you gun for me emotionally, you get cut off.
Period.
But you're not me. You're you. And your situation is different because you were married to this man and had children with him. So, what it sounds like to me is you're sifting through a bunch of emotions, trying to make sense of everything that's happened. That's normal. Just keep living your life and going forward. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. Don't fight it. And maybe when it gets really bad, you can tell yourself that this is how you feel
today, at
this moment. It's not how you'll feel in the future.
Hang in there.
ZoSo