Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships

[Morning Glory]

The article was written by James J. Messina, Ph.D.
jamesjmessina.com

1. Lack of Individual Identity

Maybe you are hooked by the irrational belief that: "I am a nobody without a somebody in my life." If you are, you maintain no boundaries with your relationship partners because you are very dependent in getting your identity from being with your partners. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationships happen, even if you have to give up your health, money, security, identity, intelligence, spiritual beliefs, family, country, job, community, friends, values, honor and self-respect. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am a somebody, just by being who I am. I am OK just the way I am, even if I do not have my relationship partners in my life. My value and worth as a person is not dependent on having one or more significant others in my life. It is better for me to be on my own and healthy than to be with my relationship partners and be sick intellectually, emotionally and/or physically. I will work diligently with my relationship partners to correct this faulty thinking which has made me too dependent. By being more my own person, my relationships will flourish and grow healthier."



2. Scarcity Principle

Maybe you are hooked by the scarcity principle of feeling happiness: "because the current status of our relationship is better than anything we have ever had before." This is a common problem for people recovering from low self-esteem who have faced trials and challenges in relationships in the past. The problem is that the current status of your relationships might be better than what you have experienced in the past, but they might not really be as healthy and intimate as the intimate relationship described earlier. You may be so happy with your relationships' current functioning that you are willing to give all of yourself intellectually, emotionally and physically with no regard for what you need to retain for yourself so that you do not lose your identity in these relationships. You may be in a recovery program like AA, Alanon, NA, CODA, ACOA etc. You may be in a Bible Study Group or some other form of spiritual renewal self-help group. You may have a support system and a plan of recovery for personal and spiritual growth. You may find that in your relationships you have no time to do the "recovery or growth activities" of maintaining contact with your support system, going to 12 Step or other group meetings, or reading recovery literature or scripture. You may find it hard to maintain your new behavioral and emotional commitment to personal and spiritual growth in your relationships. If this is true, then your relationships may not be supportive for your personal and spiritual growth. Your relationshps may not be healthy for you no matter how good they look or how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you have no time to spend with your spouse, children, family or long term friends then it is not healthy no matter how happy you are in it. If in your relationships you have no time, energy or resources to put into your career, education or current job then they are not healthy for you no matter how happy you are in them. If in your relationships you are finding it difficult to maintain your own spirituality and connection with God then they are not healthy no matter how happy you feel in them. Relationships which require that you sacrifice all of you for the sake of the happiness you feel, in them, are not healthy intimate relationships. Healthy intimate relationships allow you to make time, space and allowance for you to focus on yourself, your own needs, your spouse, your children, your family, your friends, your recovery program, your support system, your career, your education, your spiritual beliefs and your personal integrity, individuality and identity. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I will focus on my needs, my identity, my individuality and my personal integrity in my relationships. I will set aside my time, resources and energy to give to my spouse, my children, my family, my friends, my support system, my recovery program, my spirituality, my career, my education and my community involvement while maintaining healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners. I will insist that I have the time, resources and energy to focus on all aspects of my life in my relationships. I will not become complacent in my relationships just because there are no conflicts or crisis in them at the time. I will work with my relationship partners to insure that the health of our relationships is ever growing and increasing."



3. Guilt

Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."



4. Inability to Differentiate Love from Sympathy

Maybe you are hooked by the inability to differentiate the difference between love and sympathy or compassion for your relationship partners. You find yourself feeling sorry for your relationship partners and the warm feelings which this generates makes you think that you are in love with them. The bigger the problems your relationship partners have, the bigger the "love" seems to you. Because the problems can get bigger and more complex, they succeed in hooking you to lower your boundaries so that you begin to give more and more of yourself to your "pitiable" relationship partners out of the "love" you feel. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is OK to have sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, but that does not mean that I have to sacrifice my life to "save" or "rescue" my partners. Sympathy and compassion are emotions I know well and I will work hard to differentiate them from what love is. When I feel sympathy and compassion for my relationship partners, I will remind myself that it is not the same as loving them. The ability to feel sympathy and compassion for another human being is a nice quality of mine and I will be sure to use it in a healthy and non-emotionally hooked way in the future in my relationships."



5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."

[Morning Glory]

6. Need to be Needed

Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."



7. Belief that Time will Make it Better

Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I give it enough time things will change to be the way I want them to be." You have waited a long time to have healthy intimate relationships, you rationalize: "Don't give up on them too soon." Since you are not sure how to have them or how they feel, you rationalize that maybe what the relationships need is more time to become more healthy and intimate. You find yourself giving more and more of yourself and waiting longer and longer for something good to happen and yet things never get better. You find that your wait goes from being counted by days, weeks or months to years. Time passes and things really never get better. What keeps hooking you are those fleeting moments when the relationships approximate what you would like them to be. These fleeting moments feel like centuries and they are sufficient to keep you holding on. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to sacrifice large portions of my life, invested in relationships which are not going anywhere. It is unhealthy for me to hold on to the belief that things will change if they have not in 1 or more years. It is OK to set time limits in my relationships such as: if in 3 months or 6 months things do not get to be intimately healthier then I am getting out of them or we will need to seek professional help to work it out. It is OK to put time demands on my relationships so that I do not waste away my life waiting for something which in all probability will never happen. It is not OK for me to blow out of proportion those fleeting moments in my relationships which make me believe that there is anything more in them than there really is."



8. Belief that It Must be All of My Fault that there are Problems in the Relationships

Maybe you get hooked by the belief that: "If I change myself more things will change to become more like I want them to be in my relationships." You rationalize that maybe the reason things are not getting healthier and more intimate is because you need to change more to be the person your relationship partners wants you to be. You feel blamed and pointed out by your relationship partners as the reason why things are not healthier or more intimate in your relationships. You find yourself having to defend yourself from attacks from your relationship partners for "not being good enough" or "doing enough" to make the relationships work. You find yourself with a mounting list of expectations, duties or responsibilities, given you by your partners, which must be accomplished if the relationships are ever to become what you want them to be. You find yourself needing to change the ways you think, feel, act, dress, talk, look, eat, work, cook, entertain, have fun, socialize, etc before you will be "good enough" for your relationships to work. You find that you will have to basically give up "who you are" for "who your partners want you to be" if the relationships are ever to work. You find yourself hooked by the challenge to change and you find yourself working harder and harder to effect the change. What keeps you hooked is the affirmation and reinforcement you get from your relationship partners when you effect a small change. The only problem is that there is always something else identified which needs to be changed after the last change has been accomplished. You are in a never ending loop of needing to change and unfortunately there never seems to be an end to it. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries for this hook is: "I have to be real to myself and be the person I am rather than to be the person my relationship partners want me to be. It is not healthy for me to give up my personhood and identity to please my partners just to maintain our relationships. I have a right to my own tastes, likes and dislikes, personal style, beliefs, values, attitudes etc. I am in control of my own thinking, feelings and actions. I will not allow my relationship partners to take control of my basic rights."

[Morning Glory]

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."



10. Idealism or Fantasy Thinking

Maybe you are hooked by the fantasy or ideal about how it is supposed to be. You have an ideal, dream or image in your mind of how relationships are supposed to be or how they should be and you have a difficult time accepting them the way they really are. You work hard at making your relationships approximate your idealized fantasy. You put a great deal of time, energy and resources into making them become a reality. Unfortunately the more you give and give, the fantasy never becomes the reality you are wishing for. The pull to make the fantasy become real is very powerful. You seem brainwashed into believing that it is possible even though all of your efforts have not made it happen, after years and years of effort on your part. You get hooked by the delusion of the fulfillment of the fantasy and live as if the fantasy has become reality. You are sometimes so out of touch with reality that you appear to be psychotic to others when you discuss your relationships. They know they are not real and in some cases do not even closely approximate what you are saying. You keep pouring your resources, energy and time into empty pits which seem to never get filled. You become obsessed into acting and looking like the fantasy is real. You get hooked into waiting for the "big pay off" down the road if you just stick with your relationships. You remain loyal to the belief that it will happen one day. "Wake up and get off the fantasy train before it runs off the track!" you hear people saying but ignore their warnings and keep blindly on, in search of your quest. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I must accept reality the way it is rather than how I want it to be. I will give my support system, in my recovery or spiritual renewal program, permission to call me on it if I am hooked into fantasy relationships and lose myself in them. I will work hard to stay reality based and keep myself from losing my objectivity and contact with the way things really are. I will make every effort to accept my relationships the way they are rather than how I want them to be. I am a human and subject to making mistakes and failing and I will forgive myself if I make a mistake in my efforts to establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners. Once I give up the delusion that things are the way they are supposed to be, I will work with my partners to try to correct the problems in our relationships."

[Morning Glory]

#9 is my bigest hook with my son. It describes how I feel perfectly.


How about you?


Hugs,

MG

[Ann]

Wow MG - what a powerful post - I am going to "sticky' this to the top.

I am hooked by several...and not at all by some.

"Helplessness and Neediness" is a big hook for me, but strangely not at all the "Need To Be Needed". I would LOVE not to be needed for even a short time. I don't want to be needed, as a matter of fact I am really tired of being needed.

"Fear of Negative Actions" - big hook with my addict son. I fear for his future, health-wise, jail, consequences of his addiction.

"Idealism Thinking" - Another big hook, when he is clean we have such a special wonderful relationship, and I would like that to be a lifetime thing. Not likely to happen. And I fear him simply disappearing with his addiction, and having no relationship at all.

I am printing this one out for future reference. It is worth a lot of thought as many of these points are part of the very core of my codependency. I have a LOT of work to do.

Thank you so much...this was a lot of work for you.

[Kitty]

WOW.................1, 6, 9 and ten will do me just fine! They say it all...#1 really stings.
Love, Kitty

[helluvagalnva]

gezzzzzzzzzzzz - 1,3,4,5,7,9, & 10!!!!!!!! Damn - I'm really messed up but working on getting better.

It's a daily struggle but getting easier with every passing.

Thanks MG,

Love,
Galnva

[Beachbum]

Gee, I could hardly get past #1 -- I'm really messed up and have a lot of work to do! But, this is something I needed to read. ((Thanks))

[Morning Glory]

A boundary is the:

Emotional and physical space between you and another person.

Demarcation of where you end and another begins and where you begin and another ends.

Limit or line over which you will not allow anyone to cross because of the negative impact of its being crossed in the past.

Established set of limits over your physical and emotional well-being which you expect others to respect in their relationship with you.

Emotional and physical space you need in order to be the real you without the pressure from others to be something that you are not.

Emotional and/or physical perimeter of your life which is or has been violated when you were emotionally, verbally, physically, and/or sexually abused.

Healthy emotional and physical distance you can maintain between you and another so that you do not become overly enmeshed and/or dependent.

Appropriate amount of emotional and physical closeness you need to maintain so that you and another do not become too detached and/or overly independent.

Balanced emotional and physical limits set on interacting with another so that you can achieve an interdependent relationship of independent beings who do not lose their personal identity, uniqueness, and autonomy in the process.

Clearly defined limits within which you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how to think, feel, or act.

Set of parameters which make you a unique, autonomous and free individual who has the freedom to be a creative, original, idiosyncratic problem solver.

[Morning Glory]

You can tell boundaries are being ignored if there are one or more of the following characteristic symptoms.

Over Enmeshment This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel, and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

Disassociation This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter.'' "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in your being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.

Excessive Detachment This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity, or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.

Victimhood or Martyrdom In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

Chip on the Shoulder This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''

Invisibility This symptom involves your pulling in or overcontrolling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.

Aloofness or Shyness This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved, or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.

Cold and Distant This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.

Smothering This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used, and overwhelmed.

Lack of Privacy This symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel, or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.

[Morning Glory]

These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.

Unhealthy: I can never say "no'' to others. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to say "no'' to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

Unhealthy: It is my duty to hold them together. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.

Unhealthy: I can never trust anyone again. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

Unhealthy: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.

Unhealthy: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won't be a healthy family or group. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies, and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.

Unhealthy: It doesn't matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don't complain, they will eventually leave me alone. Healthy Boundary Builder: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

Unhealthy: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won't be violated or hurt. Healthy Boundary Builder: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs, and not violate my space.

Unhealthy:I'd rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don't have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation. Healthy Boundary Builder: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.

Unhealthy: I've been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. Healthy Boundary Builder: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.

Unhealthy: I can never tell where to draw the line with others. Healthy Boundary Builder: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy, and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.

[Morning Glory]

In order to establish healthy boundaries between yourself and others, you need to:

First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.

Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.

Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.

Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.

Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy, and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

[Pony]

Wow, this was great!!

Yes, I am hooked by 3,4,and 9 with my kids.....big time.

I am going to print this out...and the rest you posted down further. I want to take time to read it all.

This was really great Morning Glory.

Pony

[Houston]

Boy I'm a sick puppy. This is definitley going in my folder. Thanks. I'm also tired of being needed, but when I get out do what I have to do - I feel so much better about myself. Its like...whew, finished that and made somebody happy. Its just getting started is the hard part. Is this hypocrital? or just plain lazy?

[spindell]

This was great to read, and so many of the points made seemed to sream out at me , espeically the invisable one , this is going in my folder , so i can keep looking at it time and time agian,

thanks

THIS TOOK ME BY SURPRISE IN HOW WELL JUST ABOUT EACH AND EVERYONE TOUCHED BASE WITH ME. IT MADE ME STOP AND THINK. I HAVE PRINTED IT OUT TO READ....OFTEN!!

[Morning Glory]

Welcome to the forum IVEY_BLUE,

You're not alone.

Hugs,
MG

[babysteps]

oww, oww, oww....

Why does owning up to my own shortcomings have to hurt so much?

The worst part is, this isn't a one way street... the ones I don't do to me, I do to him!!! sheesh!

I'm so glad I saw these posts, but MAN do they hurt to admit to. Thank you MG

[liveweyerd]

Hey! Have you been following me around or what?!!!
Just kidding. Well, it all seems so well-intentioned, y'now? Fix him to make me happy. Oh, in the fantasy it works for him, too.

Really real, though, THANKS.

I'm looking on the upside...I ain't going to tell you how many hooks I got, I prefer to say I was determined enough to try anything. hahahahaha

I'm new here and I really appreciate this resource. It's a Sat nite and there are no al-anon meetings in this small area tonight.
Last night we talked about resentment which is what happens after I try everything and it STILL doesn't work!

Hugs,

[sugar52]

dear mg.,
i want u to know that this post is how i found all of u at soberrecovery forums. i wrote out boundaries on my search engine and the search brought me here and i will be forever grateful that u posted. thanks
hugs from sugar

[morningstar]

I've been thinking, and thinking of calling this man I've been obsessed about for a couple of years, an alcoholic, that he might need me, I might make him feel better, let him know someone cares, etc., but he never calls me...so I am still clinging, and still unwilling to let the boundary stay that I put up several months ago. I felt good then, but now I'm having guilt feelings, and yearnings.

So much to think about in your post. I still have so much to work on in me. Certainly, I should be able to call a friend and give some sympathy and caring, but what in the hell am I really doing? I'm starting to distrust my own motivations.

I may still call. Christmas certainly seems the time to reach out and not let barriers stay. So, it's no barriers, but good boundaries.

Wow. Thanks morning glory. I saw many things there. Some were more from the past, some were what my mother does (the best example that I've followed in other relationships).

I've printed it and highlighted the parts I want to look at again.

[liveweyerd]

Thanks again, MG. I am going over this again, and again.

[faithinbrian]

thanks so much for the post, I have read the stickys but I guess I missed this one, I have read about boundaries in my codependency no more book , but I have copied these and I'm printing them as I type. thanks again

[lovehim]

Help! I am not sure where to start. I am in a relationship with an alchoholic and he has told me point blank he will not stop drinking for me. I know that unless he wants to stop - there is nothing I can do.
He finally went to an aa meeting and I thought this time his attempt at sobriety was going to stick But he's at it again.

[worriedmom]

No. 9 way up there is it for me with my son! I'm SO AFRAID if I don't help him, he'll commit suicide or something.