hearthealth

I was calling for him to put supper on. A grown man with two children at dinner time and he can't think what's for dinner? I did it when I got home because he was too busy watching t.v.

LexieCat

I think it would be a good idea to expect exactly zero from him for the next 26 days. Pretend he's already gone. Imagine he's just a piece of furniture you need to vacuum around--that's pretty much what it amounts to anyway, isn't it?

hopeful4

Yes Lexie, that is how it should be!

You cannot function as though this is not happening. Expect nothing. I am a single mom. I totally get shuffling kids around, not having ANY help, at all. It's overwhelming at times, but I promise you really do get usto it. I found once my XAH was out my load was much lighter b/c he was like another child I had to take care of. He did nothing.

Yes, in a normal relationship, a grown man should be able to put supper on. This is not a normal relationship, and pretending it is will only hurt more.

I don't say this harshly because I know it's hard. Sending hugs.

AnvilheadII

you simply must begin to ACT AS IF he isn't even there. there is nothing to discuss....not birthdays, anniversaries, or dinner plans. do not expect a thing from him. do not rely upon him or include him in ANY plans. he's just a blob that is in your house for a short time.

hearthealth

Husband adopted the dog. His name is on the file since he brought him to that first appointment. In the past they needed husbands permission to do anything major though I'm the one taking the dog in and paying all the bills. His name is the sole name on that paperwork. I hope he doesn't go for the dog. My children are bonded to him especially DS.

LexieCat

I suspect he won't want the bother.

freetosmile2

I do understand the waiting period..... I have a bit longer to go than you..but it is just overwhelming, isn't it?

We just both kinda do our own thing, ya know? His attempts to reconcile the marriage have been very clear...but ya know what? He could have been doing that a long time ago.

I think overall, you need to drop the expectations. Carry on about your day, your life, your kids life. Expect NOTHING from him. Because in the end, that's what we got anyway, wasn't it? nothing? but our own emptiness?

We've just got to carry on.

firebolt

Or he might try....for a minute just to hurt you....but I think it'll only last until his priorities shift back to his addiction, or to himself.

LexieCat

I wouldn't even mention the dog. I think if he gets an inkling you are worried about it, it WILL become an issue.

It's a lot more work (and additional money) to find/rent a place that allows pets. I think if left to his own devices he won't bother.

hearthealth

If I divorce.

LexieCat

If?

AnvilheadII

again........IF? what is going on HH? what are you thinking right now?

hearthealth

I was having a pity party about both scenerios. Then I wanted to delete my post.

dandylion

Hearthealth...right now is to get the lists out and read them....remember the lists that I am always nagging about?...lol....
1. The list of the reasons
2. Review Plan B in your mind

***Keep the list within your arm's reach at all times....

LexieCat

Going through the divorce can't possibly be harder than what you've been dealing with all this time. Moreover, there will be an END to that--continuing as you have been is simply not a viable option anymore.

hearthealth

continuing as you have been is simply not a viable option anymore.

Both the children's couselor and my couselor states I can change my mind.

AnvilheadII

well yes....you can choose to keep yourself and the children housed with an abusive alcoholic. or you can choose to move forward.

please remember, while YOU have a choice, your children do NOT. you must make the wise choice for THEM.

hearthealth

He will get visitation. He will get visitation overnight. His family will be involved more.

I can go down on my hours. I can be around more. I can help them with homework more. Be more active during the summer with them. They're suffering because I work too much. He's mad because I work too much. I wanted to be more of a stay at home mom. I can't do that if I divorce.

LexieCat

You CAN do anything. I said it's not a VIABLE option. IOW, it's not a healthy, reasonable choice at this point. The man ABUSES your children. He abuses you.

Is there no one you and the kids could stay with for the next not-even-four weeks? A friend, a relative? You could even stay at the women's shelter for that length of time--it's not that long.

You've told us over and over how ready to be DONE you are. You're almost there.

LexieCat

If you stay home and cut down on your hours, don't you see that you are even more trapped than you are now? If his family is more "involved," don't you think it would still be safer for the kids? I know you don't like his family, and feel they don't like you, but wouldn't they protect the kids?

You can ask the court for supervised visitation. It seems to me that your being there right now isn't stopping him from being abusive to them.