Need support, part 2
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Need support, part 2
This is the continuation of the "Need Support" thread, which can be found here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-support.html
Mike
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-support.html
Mike
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What your going through is very difficult because your caught up with troubled man in an unhealthy dynamic. I looked at your earlier thread and see there is a pattern here with his behavior. But, what it points to I feel is possibly an underlying mental illness, and if that is in play along with substance abuse then anything is possible. I think you did the right thing by notifying the authorities. There is a limit on what we are capable of doing in a situation like this and it appears you may now be at that point. I hope that you have some family and friends who are close and supporting you emotionally as you wait all this out. In situations like this, I usually try to think one step ahead as in what would I do if this, or if that. Sometimes it even helps take some of the fear away to think through the whole line of thought and all the emotions I would feel. I did this when I debated on separating from my husband, and then you know what. I took those thoughts and feelings and shared them with my therapist who helped me look deeper. Whatever happens you must take care of yourself so you can best care for your kids.
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OT4Kids,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Sometimes this helps when I'm dealing with my sister.
My sister has encountered much pain in her life, and unfortunately she's chosen to deal with it by pot/alcohol/co-dependent relationship.
It's painful to watch her make these choices. It's like she's chosen to walk on the edge of a cliff. She loves the view because it distracts her from what is going on behind her.
Other people enjoy the view too, but they stay a safe distance away from the edge and we all try to bring her back to safety.
But she insists, INSISTS, on staying on the edge. She insists that the only way to have a relationship with her is to walk alongside her. The only problem is that then you run the risk of falling off the ledge too.
You say, look, let's take a step a way, but she finds the view so entrancing that she can't budge an inch. And you're scared, because anything, ANYTHING can cause her to fall. The sound of a stray candy wrapper could distract her and she could slip. One wouldn't think that a candy wrapper, a gust of wind, a word said in anger, could kill you but that's what happens when you walk on that edge.
And you want her to be safe, so you try to tie a rope to connect her and you, but all that does is make her realize that she can take even more risks, because she finds that view so entrancing. That view is so compelling that all she wants is go towards it. The only problem is that she's pulling you along with her.
And so you pull and pull, but you get tired from all the struggling you have to do to keep both of you on the side of safety. And as much as you try, other people inevitably witness your struggle. They tell you to cut the rope. You want them to hold onto you and keep you both from falling, but they see that it means that they fall themselves. They see that that compulsion is so strong nothing can stop her.
You know that all she has to do is take a couple steps back away from the cliff but she's not listening to you. You want her so badly to do so but all she does is pull you closer while yelling at you for not keeping both of you on the ledge. You say that you're tired but she says that doesn't matter. She wants you to defy the laws of gravity, but that simply cannot be done.
And so the only thing you can do in the end is cut the rope. You love her so much, but you can't get pulled down. You walk to safety, and hope and pray that she has the wisdom to take those crucial, first steps to security.
I hope for your own sake, no matter what happens, that you survive.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Sometimes this helps when I'm dealing with my sister.
My sister has encountered much pain in her life, and unfortunately she's chosen to deal with it by pot/alcohol/co-dependent relationship.
It's painful to watch her make these choices. It's like she's chosen to walk on the edge of a cliff. She loves the view because it distracts her from what is going on behind her.
Other people enjoy the view too, but they stay a safe distance away from the edge and we all try to bring her back to safety.
But she insists, INSISTS, on staying on the edge. She insists that the only way to have a relationship with her is to walk alongside her. The only problem is that then you run the risk of falling off the ledge too.
You say, look, let's take a step a way, but she finds the view so entrancing that she can't budge an inch. And you're scared, because anything, ANYTHING can cause her to fall. The sound of a stray candy wrapper could distract her and she could slip. One wouldn't think that a candy wrapper, a gust of wind, a word said in anger, could kill you but that's what happens when you walk on that edge.
And you want her to be safe, so you try to tie a rope to connect her and you, but all that does is make her realize that she can take even more risks, because she finds that view so entrancing. That view is so compelling that all she wants is go towards it. The only problem is that she's pulling you along with her.
And so you pull and pull, but you get tired from all the struggling you have to do to keep both of you on the side of safety. And as much as you try, other people inevitably witness your struggle. They tell you to cut the rope. You want them to hold onto you and keep you both from falling, but they see that it means that they fall themselves. They see that that compulsion is so strong nothing can stop her.
You know that all she has to do is take a couple steps back away from the cliff but she's not listening to you. You want her so badly to do so but all she does is pull you closer while yelling at you for not keeping both of you on the ledge. You say that you're tired but she says that doesn't matter. She wants you to defy the laws of gravity, but that simply cannot be done.
And so the only thing you can do in the end is cut the rope. You love her so much, but you can't get pulled down. You walk to safety, and hope and pray that she has the wisdom to take those crucial, first steps to security.
I hope for your own sake, no matter what happens, that you survive.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
OT,
I can not say much that has not yet been said, but I will offer this.
My ex husband, an alcoholic, an abuser and an all around troubled man, disappeared regularly when I was still stuck in the abuse cycle with him.
He threatened to kill himself regularly.
And I would react exactly as you have. I put my health, mental and otherwise, second to my panic about his threats to kill himself. I thought I was being caring when I really was terrified of what it would mean if he was gone since even though he was awful to me, he was what I knew.
He never made good on his threats. Instead, I realized it was a part of the suck me in and keep me trapped cycle.
Guess what? Since divorcing him and having almost no contact with him, no more threats to kill himself.
I truly hope your fiance has killed himself, and if he has I am truly sorry.
I tend to think this is a pattern of control, manipulation and abuse that he is showing you and it is clear to those of us not trapped in it right now.
I know it's hard to believe, but being alone and having NO contact at all with him, is going to be the only way to start to see this more clearly.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I can not say much that has not yet been said, but I will offer this.
My ex husband, an alcoholic, an abuser and an all around troubled man, disappeared regularly when I was still stuck in the abuse cycle with him.
He threatened to kill himself regularly.
And I would react exactly as you have. I put my health, mental and otherwise, second to my panic about his threats to kill himself. I thought I was being caring when I really was terrified of what it would mean if he was gone since even though he was awful to me, he was what I knew.
He never made good on his threats. Instead, I realized it was a part of the suck me in and keep me trapped cycle.
Guess what? Since divorcing him and having almost no contact with him, no more threats to kill himself.
I truly hope your fiance has killed himself, and if he has I am truly sorry.
I tend to think this is a pattern of control, manipulation and abuse that he is showing you and it is clear to those of us not trapped in it right now.
I know it's hard to believe, but being alone and having NO contact at all with him, is going to be the only way to start to see this more clearly.
I am sorry you are going through this.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
I should not have told the counselor all I did. I didn't even tell her everything. She is all freaked out.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by OT4Kids
I should not have told the counselor all I did. I didn't even tell her everything. She is all freaked out.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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