Need support, part 2
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
I.went crisis center and now they are doing paperwork to send me for a psych eval
SR is a great resource and for some it is enough but most need more than just the electronic kind of support.
Please take your situation seriously. You are indeed in a tough spot.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I noticed that recently there are many people posting here about the "disappearing acts".
I am one of those that went through this.
When you really start to think about this, you might understand it better. It is the equivalent of the "silent treatment". That, to me, was the worst form of emotional abuse. It's like, to me, that you just want to sit down and talk about things for some kind of resolution, any kind of a resolution, but there isn't any. There is no one to talk to. The phone is either dead, or shut off, or they won't answer it, and you just need or want to know an answer, but there isn't any.
Then some also throw in the "suicide card", I don't know why? Is it because they are craving attention, even though they don't give attention to the person who loves them the most? I'll tell you this, in the majority of the time, they got that attention, while we just got pushed away. I'm pretty sure most of them let us know about how lacking we were in giving them attention, even though we had given up our lives to try to give them what they needed. It seems that they are insatiable, and they suck the soul out of us like a vampire.
I also realized something else. I tried many times to have discussions. Telling him how much I loved him, but also trying to tell him what I needed also. Those things were unheard by him. He would listen long enough to me so that I could pretend that I felt that I was heard, but I never was. There was never any kind of a resolution to any "fights". It is impossible to have any resolutions with a person who will give you the silent treatment. It may cool down for awhile, but that's it. It doesn't last long. The disappearing act happens again and again, and I think we just feel so happy when it's over.
Then we just walk around on "eggshells", waiting for the next time. We become afraid to "start" anything, because it may happen again.
I couldn't live my life like that anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't even know what I liked or didn't like anymore because I changed so much, just so that I wouldn't set him off.
I can only say there is no way that you can have a relationship with someone like this. There is no way to get any validation from someone like there, and there is no way to have any kind of resolution with a person like this. These are the things that we need to gift ourselves with.
I don't know if I am making sense, because I needed to go back to the time that I was living like this.
Summary: Disappearing acts = silent treatment = worst form of emotional abuse.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
PS - I remember begging, "Can you just treat me like I am a human being"? That's how bad I got. That to me now is unacceptable.
I am one of those that went through this.
When you really start to think about this, you might understand it better. It is the equivalent of the "silent treatment". That, to me, was the worst form of emotional abuse. It's like, to me, that you just want to sit down and talk about things for some kind of resolution, any kind of a resolution, but there isn't any. There is no one to talk to. The phone is either dead, or shut off, or they won't answer it, and you just need or want to know an answer, but there isn't any.
Then some also throw in the "suicide card", I don't know why? Is it because they are craving attention, even though they don't give attention to the person who loves them the most? I'll tell you this, in the majority of the time, they got that attention, while we just got pushed away. I'm pretty sure most of them let us know about how lacking we were in giving them attention, even though we had given up our lives to try to give them what they needed. It seems that they are insatiable, and they suck the soul out of us like a vampire.
I also realized something else. I tried many times to have discussions. Telling him how much I loved him, but also trying to tell him what I needed also. Those things were unheard by him. He would listen long enough to me so that I could pretend that I felt that I was heard, but I never was. There was never any kind of a resolution to any "fights". It is impossible to have any resolutions with a person who will give you the silent treatment. It may cool down for awhile, but that's it. It doesn't last long. The disappearing act happens again and again, and I think we just feel so happy when it's over.
Then we just walk around on "eggshells", waiting for the next time. We become afraid to "start" anything, because it may happen again.
I couldn't live my life like that anymore. I didn't know who I was anymore, I didn't even know what I liked or didn't like anymore because I changed so much, just so that I wouldn't set him off.
I can only say there is no way that you can have a relationship with someone like this. There is no way to get any validation from someone like there, and there is no way to have any kind of resolution with a person like this. These are the things that we need to gift ourselves with.
I don't know if I am making sense, because I needed to go back to the time that I was living like this.
Summary: Disappearing acts = silent treatment = worst form of emotional abuse.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
PS - I remember begging, "Can you just treat me like I am a human being"? That's how bad I got. That to me now is unacceptable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
I can so relate to this. My AH is a master of running away - and I thought this just happened to me!
It started off for an hour or so to an evening, to a day, a week, a month, 2 months and now 4 months...in between there were many short runs too. He would create situations or find excuses - always I would be left to deal with the mess/problem alone.
I would be so frantic...it is such a shock to come home and find an empty wardrobe (he always packed his things) Often it was such an over-reaction that I could not think straight and like others I was just so glad for it to be over that I would be on those eggshells straight away - stuffing all my resentment and indignation and outrage and sadness deep inside. I made my daughters walk on those eggshells. I became the peace maker...desperately trying to protect everyeon from everyone else AND be the main breadwinner most of the time.
It is only this time that I can see I was being abused and I was a willing victim for the most part.
Now he has no job and therefore no money...his fun life of freedom has crashed and if he has not found a new more wiling victim/gfriend he will get back in contact...although that will only be if he is ready to stop openly drinking cos he knows he cannot do that and live with me.
No matter because there are no circumstances I can envisage that would take me back into that situation...or my daughters....ever again.
And I NEVER thought I would ever feel like this about him.
It started off for an hour or so to an evening, to a day, a week, a month, 2 months and now 4 months...in between there were many short runs too. He would create situations or find excuses - always I would be left to deal with the mess/problem alone.
I would be so frantic...it is such a shock to come home and find an empty wardrobe (he always packed his things) Often it was such an over-reaction that I could not think straight and like others I was just so glad for it to be over that I would be on those eggshells straight away - stuffing all my resentment and indignation and outrage and sadness deep inside. I made my daughters walk on those eggshells. I became the peace maker...desperately trying to protect everyeon from everyone else AND be the main breadwinner most of the time.
It is only this time that I can see I was being abused and I was a willing victim for the most part.
Now he has no job and therefore no money...his fun life of freedom has crashed and if he has not found a new more wiling victim/gfriend he will get back in contact...although that will only be if he is ready to stop openly drinking cos he knows he cannot do that and live with me.
No matter because there are no circumstances I can envisage that would take me back into that situation...or my daughters....ever again.
And I NEVER thought I would ever feel like this about him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
merhaba,
You aren't alone. I have also been following your posts. Haven't contributed since right now it seemed like it was mostly financial.
But I do have to say, when they do this, the disappearing acts, for me, it made me feel like I didn't even exist. I guess in a way, that's why I hung in so long. Now when I think of it, I know now how sick I was to be praying and hoping for my ex to see me as a person and that I did actually exist. I gave myself a big present when I cut those ties.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
You aren't alone. I have also been following your posts. Haven't contributed since right now it seemed like it was mostly financial.
But I do have to say, when they do this, the disappearing acts, for me, it made me feel like I didn't even exist. I guess in a way, that's why I hung in so long. Now when I think of it, I know now how sick I was to be praying and hoping for my ex to see me as a person and that I did actually exist. I gave myself a big present when I cut those ties.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
Thanks amy55
It is not really financial. It is what that represents...the major messes he leaves behind him that made it harder for me to break away and make it harder for him to stop and face himself.
I think focusing on sorting the financial mess is easier than trying to sort the emotional chaos I am going through.
It is not really financial. It is what that represents...the major messes he leaves behind him that made it harder for me to break away and make it harder for him to stop and face himself.
I think focusing on sorting the financial mess is easier than trying to sort the emotional chaos I am going through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
...and not alone in trying to control the uncontrollable and be all things to all people....chasing round after someone who likes to lead you in this dance. It seems like life and death I know. My AH would threaten suicide and I would react like you are doing. I could not understand why others did not take it as seriously as I did....
Please know you deserve better and that he is not who you think he is....nor who he thinks he is either. You are chasing dreams that dissolve into nightmares. Please surrender
Please know you deserve better and that he is not who you think he is....nor who he thinks he is either. You are chasing dreams that dissolve into nightmares. Please surrender
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Just sending you good vibes.
I'm so glad you talked to the crisis center. We have a tendency to avoid getting help when WE need it most, because we are so wrapped up in their issues.
Big hugs to you and the kids - I know you are worried sick, but taking care of yourself first is so important.
I'm so glad you talked to the crisis center. We have a tendency to avoid getting help when WE need it most, because we are so wrapped up in their issues.
Big hugs to you and the kids - I know you are worried sick, but taking care of yourself first is so important.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
OT I am SOOOOO sorry for my failure to edit what I wrote-- holy crazy typo batman!
I meant to write that I truly hope your fiance has NOT killed himself... and I left out that critical NOT word...
I feel like a class A jerk....
I am so sorry for what is probably additional stress and pain that my idiocy caused you... I would never ever wish such a thing on you or he...
My deepest apologies...
I meant to write that I truly hope your fiance has NOT killed himself... and I left out that critical NOT word...
I feel like a class A jerk....
I am so sorry for what is probably additional stress and pain that my idiocy caused you... I would never ever wish such a thing on you or he...
My deepest apologies...
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
OT,
I can not say much that has not yet been said, but I will offer this.
My ex husband, an alcoholic, an abuser and an all around troubled man, disappeared regularly when I was still stuck in the abuse cycle with him.
He threatened to kill himself regularly.
And I would react exactly as you have. I put my health, mental and otherwise, second to my panic about his threats to kill himself. I thought I was being caring when I really was terrified of what it would mean if he was gone since even though he was awful to me, he was what I knew.
He never made good on his threats. Instead, I realized it was a part of the suck me in and keep me trapped cycle.
Guess what? Since divorcing him and having almost no contact with him, no more threats to kill himself.
I truly hope your fiance has killed himself, and if he has I am truly sorry.
I tend to think this is a pattern of control, manipulation and abuse that he is showing you and it is clear to those of us not trapped in it right now.
I know it's hard to believe, but being alone and having NO contact at all with him, is going to be the only way to start to see this more clearly.
I am sorry you are going through this.
I can not say much that has not yet been said, but I will offer this.
My ex husband, an alcoholic, an abuser and an all around troubled man, disappeared regularly when I was still stuck in the abuse cycle with him.
He threatened to kill himself regularly.
And I would react exactly as you have. I put my health, mental and otherwise, second to my panic about his threats to kill himself. I thought I was being caring when I really was terrified of what it would mean if he was gone since even though he was awful to me, he was what I knew.
He never made good on his threats. Instead, I realized it was a part of the suck me in and keep me trapped cycle.
Guess what? Since divorcing him and having almost no contact with him, no more threats to kill himself.
I truly hope your fiance has killed himself, and if he has I am truly sorry.
I tend to think this is a pattern of control, manipulation and abuse that he is showing you and it is clear to those of us not trapped in it right now.
I know it's hard to believe, but being alone and having NO contact at all with him, is going to be the only way to start to see this more clearly.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Yeah, I think we all knew what you meant.
I've had things come out weird when I was editing my post and somehow what wound up on the forum was NOT what I intended to type. Poltergeists.
I've had things come out weird when I was editing my post and somehow what wound up on the forum was NOT what I intended to type. Poltergeists.
This is one for my record books for sure...
Glad that you are know me well enough to realize I am not THAT big of a jerk to have meant what I errantly actually typed!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
Well I told the therapist at the crisis center that I didn't know what I would do if he were dead. She filed a petition saying I was at risk of hurting myself and I had told her some about the way he has been treating me and was crying. I had been up most of the night and was exhausted. Next thing I knew was in handcuffs being taken by the police to the hospital and forced to sit for 6 hours in a tiny isolation room waiting for a dr. and ended up being admitted to psych hospital for 2 days. It was horrible.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I am out of the hospital now. My kids are doing well. I was able to call them each day and they only knew I was in the hospital, they did not know it was a psych hospital. I told them I wasn't feeling well and had to have some tests and to discuss my medications with a doctor and figure out how to feel better but that I was okay. Since I have a serious illness this was not much of a stretch. My mom and ex took care of them
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