Why the blame?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 28
What I'm trying to convey is, I have had and do have legal advice .... I have an attorney waiting on top of lots of information that I've been to afraid to use. Rule number one: don't upset AH with reality of his own behavior. If and when he makes a move legally, I will deal with that head on. I've no idea how it will turn out or play out but when and if the time comes, I will tell the truth ...... I will use all of my "ducks". It's the best I can do. This isn't a hasty decision. It is one I've feared. Rule number 2: never stand up for yourself to AH. So see? I've been living under those rules and much more. Afraid to use my ducks or even to have to.... What I'm facing here is stepping into not being afraid to do that if and when that time comes. I'm leaving. I'm taking the first step toward doing what I have to do. I'm not emotionally ready, I'm emotionally beaten down. But I do have my ducks in a row I've just always been to afraid to use them. But I stacked them up for years so I guess I not as much of a broken shell as he wanted me to be.
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Usfdv 
I'm taking what I can fit in my car ( starting with my sons things) the rest .... It's just stuff . I don't care, he can have it. His big house, his precious money, his thriving business , his facade , his alcoholism, his big black hole of an abusive self, his cheating, his lies, and he can make himself the victim and tell his stories to everyone so that he's viewed as the great awesome guy who was married to the crazy person.... I don't care.
You are in my prayers - you've got this!!! After the 48h feeling sets in (even if it's sooner or after 48h), you know your SR family is here for you xoxo
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 28
I read about the Stockholm syndrome and traumatic bonding. I see that as clearly a HUGE issue in me. That IS precisely what "it" is in me. So now what? How do I not give into it? That's the thing that happens inside of me when I go running back , the sorry one. How do I get a handle on that in myself when it rears its head off and on when I'm gone? That pull is so strong and painful as if the only way to stop it is to run back. How do I break that inside of me? That's what I need a plan for!
Broken Heart of Gold
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Usfdv
I read about the Stockholm syndrome and traumatic bonding. I see that as clearly a HUGE issue in me. That IS precisely what "it" is in me. So now what? How do I not give into it? That's the thing that happens inside of me when I go running back , the sorry one. How do I get a handle on that in myself when it rears its head off and on when I'm gone? That pull is so strong and painful as if the only way to stop it is to run back. How do I break that inside of me? That's what I need a plan for!
as I am learning, only time can solve this. I went back & forth with my axbf like a yoyo - working my best to enforce what said about the last time I went back in fact being the last time I went back.I fully support therapy, but the truth is not all professionals in that field are proficient in dealing with DV, alcoholism and/or addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Usfdv,
I'm so happy that you have already been getting information. Sorry, that I was unclear about that.
I think the first thing you would need to do is to go back to the times that you did leave, and try to figure out why you went back. For me, I kept hoping and wishing that it would scare him that he was going to lose me, and that things would change. It also did change, but not for long, and then he would get worse, then he was previously. It also has a lot to do with the FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Try thinking about what the "FOG" means to you.
What did help me a lot was knowing that I was not alone. So, it's a good recommendation, that you read and post here. Also, read other people's stories, respond to them also. A lot of times, I would think to myself, "Take my advice, please, because I'm not using it anyway". I started to think about that, and I always wondered why would I think I was good enough to take my own advice?
I don't know how much you talked to other people before finding this forum. It does help to talk about things. I was so afraid for so long, I was always hiding the truth from people because I was embarrassed by the situation. Everyone always thought I had the perfect marriage. I lied so well about this, that I doubted that anyone would ever believe me. Then I found forums and like-minded people. People who were experiencing the things that I was. People who understood. It was then that I felt I wasn't crazy anymore. I wasn't alone anymore. That it wasn't me.
No one here expect to read your post today, and expect that you will fine tomorrow. We've been there.
If at all possible can you go to DV group support? It's free. Just need to call your DV shelter and find out the dates and times of these meetings.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I'm so happy that you have already been getting information. Sorry, that I was unclear about that.
I think the first thing you would need to do is to go back to the times that you did leave, and try to figure out why you went back. For me, I kept hoping and wishing that it would scare him that he was going to lose me, and that things would change. It also did change, but not for long, and then he would get worse, then he was previously. It also has a lot to do with the FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Try thinking about what the "FOG" means to you.
What did help me a lot was knowing that I was not alone. So, it's a good recommendation, that you read and post here. Also, read other people's stories, respond to them also. A lot of times, I would think to myself, "Take my advice, please, because I'm not using it anyway". I started to think about that, and I always wondered why would I think I was good enough to take my own advice?
I don't know how much you talked to other people before finding this forum. It does help to talk about things. I was so afraid for so long, I was always hiding the truth from people because I was embarrassed by the situation. Everyone always thought I had the perfect marriage. I lied so well about this, that I doubted that anyone would ever believe me. Then I found forums and like-minded people. People who were experiencing the things that I was. People who understood. It was then that I felt I wasn't crazy anymore. I wasn't alone anymore. That it wasn't me.
No one here expect to read your post today, and expect that you will fine tomorrow. We've been there.
If at all possible can you go to DV group support? It's free. Just need to call your DV shelter and find out the dates and times of these meetings.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Al-Anon might not help you at this moment as much as talking with a DV advocate would. Many of the conventional Al-Anon strategies, such as setting healthy boundaries and detaching, can be counterproductive or even dangerous in a violent or abusive relationship.
Safety is number one, here. Recovery from the effects of his DRINKING is secondary to recovering from the effects of living with abuse.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues--even though drinking sometimes exacerbates the abuse, it doesn't cause it.
Planning for your safety is also a separate issue from planning to deal with a legal battle in a divorce proceeding. Most divorce lawyers aren't experts in dealing with abuse, even if they know some of the available legal remedies.
I hope you will make the phone call to an advocate at the shelter or at the National DV Hotline. It's good that you've gotten some legal advice, but a divorce lawyer won't keep you safe.
Safety is number one, here. Recovery from the effects of his DRINKING is secondary to recovering from the effects of living with abuse.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues--even though drinking sometimes exacerbates the abuse, it doesn't cause it.
Planning for your safety is also a separate issue from planning to deal with a legal battle in a divorce proceeding. Most divorce lawyers aren't experts in dealing with abuse, even if they know some of the available legal remedies.
I hope you will make the phone call to an advocate at the shelter or at the National DV Hotline. It's good that you've gotten some legal advice, but a divorce lawyer won't keep you safe.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Usfdv
This isn't my first attempt to leave. It's one of many. This has been in my mind for months. And after last night , I'm out. I may have to borrow the strength of 10 women to not give into this "thing" that happens to me once I leave, it normally sets in within 48 hours (I know myself) but I'll be if I stay another week, just to feel hopeless. I gave up a year ago and told myself this is just how it had to be because I was so afraid of what he would do or not do or that thing that happens to me but my daughter told me a few minutes ago that even with her door shut, she "heard every word dad said all night." She asked me why he was so disgusting. I've talked to lawyers many times over the years. Once, we both retained one and went at it for 9 months.... That was back when his threats scared me. I think, now a days, I see that I have more on my side then he ever wanted me to know. After two domestic violence arrests..... His continued drunkeness and so much more, I think he's too afraid of me exposing more. I could be wrong. I guess I'm about to find out. Or maybe he is.
From my friends who got past their denial and drinking, the real person they are inside is totally different from when they are stuck in denial. There is no way to have a real relationship with someone putting up all these other barriers.
The barriers have to come down first, get rid of the addiction and all the abuse that is used to fend off people from getting behind the defensive walls and get to the real person.
The nice people like you and me KNOW there is a good person behind there.
But it is UNFAIR to keep subjecting us to the garbage surrounding that. The layers and barriers have got to be removed first, and that is a lot more work than either you or he can do by yourselves.
It takes professional and spiritual longterm help to deal with this many layers: not only the spiritual, but the legal issues, the financial and professional career, the relationship issues. That's about 3 full time jobs working on all the levels he has barricaded himself under hiding his real self and real problems behind.
I don't know if you can imagine how much work this takes to undo all that he has stacked on to discourage any change from taking place.
One person I know who has made it through similar, a highly professional well respected businessman who had to go through a very deep wakeup call, confronted by real pro's in all areas of recovery (from the inner spiritual to the external finances and professional image etc) is Russ Whitney.
If you can find him online, he might be able to get through to your husband and get him focused on where he needs to be, and to NOT BE AFRAID of all the work and changes this is going to require.
Most people would stay hidden behind walls and keep denying and stacking more garbage on top to hide and run from changing.
Russ wrote a book on INNER VOICE on his experiences with recovery and how these mentors were able to reach him and get him out of his messes he had buried himself under. He has created a network of mentors and counselors to help other people to get out of these traps.
He was a multimillionaire who hid behind his successes to avoid working on his real inner issues. But once everything collapsed, he had nothing to hide behind and had to go through the real inner work and fought it all the way. Whatever program he used to get past that, he is trying to make it accessible to others through his outreach. He went from being in total denial and totally afraid to even look at the reality; to being totally empowered by being totally humbled and open to working with everyone.
So if any of his approach can help, I recommend that as a possible model to look into.
Because of the level of financial success and career image he had as a business leader, I think he is able to reach others who might relate to him and feel safe opening up and dealing with their issues as he found a way that worked for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by emilynghiem
Dear Usfdv
From my friends who got past their denial and drinking, the real person they are inside is totally different from when they are stuck in denial. There is no way to have a real relationship with someone putting up all these other barriers.
The barriers have to come down first, get rid of the addiction and all the abuse that is used to fend off people from getting behind the defensive walls and get to the real person.
The nice people like you and me KNOW there is a good person behind there.
But it is UNFAIR to keep subjecting us to the garbage surrounding that. The layers and barriers have got to be removed first, and that is a lot more work than either you or he can do by yourselves.
It takes professional and spiritual longterm help to deal with this many layers: not only the spiritual, but the legal issues, the financial and professional career, the relationship issues. That's about 3 full time jobs working on all the levels he has barricaded himself under hiding his real self and real problems behind.
I don't know if you can imagine how much work this takes to undo all that he has stacked on to discourage any change from taking place.
One person I know who has made it through similar, a highly professional well respected businessman who had to go through a very deep wakeup call, confronted by real pro's in all areas of recovery (from the inner spiritual to the external finances and professional image etc) is Russ Whitney.
If you can find him online, he might be able to get through to your husband and get him focused on where he needs to be, and to NOT BE AFRAID of all the work and changes this is going to require.
Most people would stay hidden behind walls and keep denying and stacking more garbage on top to hide and run from changing.
Russ wrote a book on INNER VOICE on his experiences with recovery and how these mentors were able to reach him and get him out of his messes he had buried himself under. He has created a network of mentors and counselors to help other people to get out of these traps.
He was a multimillionaire who hid behind his successes to avoid working on his real inner issues. But once everything collapsed, he had nothing to hide behind and had to go through the real inner work and fought it all the way. Whatever program he used to get past that, he is trying to make it accessible to others through his outreach. He went from being in total denial and totally afraid to even look at the reality; to being totally empowered by being totally humbled and open to working with everyone.
So if any of his approach can help, I recommend that as a possible model to look into.
Because of the level of financial success and career image he had as a business leader, I think he is able to reach others who might relate to him and feel safe opening up and dealing with their issues as he found a way that worked for him.
From my friends who got past their denial and drinking, the real person they are inside is totally different from when they are stuck in denial. There is no way to have a real relationship with someone putting up all these other barriers.
The barriers have to come down first, get rid of the addiction and all the abuse that is used to fend off people from getting behind the defensive walls and get to the real person.
The nice people like you and me KNOW there is a good person behind there.
But it is UNFAIR to keep subjecting us to the garbage surrounding that. The layers and barriers have got to be removed first, and that is a lot more work than either you or he can do by yourselves.
It takes professional and spiritual longterm help to deal with this many layers: not only the spiritual, but the legal issues, the financial and professional career, the relationship issues. That's about 3 full time jobs working on all the levels he has barricaded himself under hiding his real self and real problems behind.
I don't know if you can imagine how much work this takes to undo all that he has stacked on to discourage any change from taking place.
One person I know who has made it through similar, a highly professional well respected businessman who had to go through a very deep wakeup call, confronted by real pro's in all areas of recovery (from the inner spiritual to the external finances and professional image etc) is Russ Whitney.
If you can find him online, he might be able to get through to your husband and get him focused on where he needs to be, and to NOT BE AFRAID of all the work and changes this is going to require.
Most people would stay hidden behind walls and keep denying and stacking more garbage on top to hide and run from changing.
Russ wrote a book on INNER VOICE on his experiences with recovery and how these mentors were able to reach him and get him out of his messes he had buried himself under. He has created a network of mentors and counselors to help other people to get out of these traps.
He was a multimillionaire who hid behind his successes to avoid working on his real inner issues. But once everything collapsed, he had nothing to hide behind and had to go through the real inner work and fought it all the way. Whatever program he used to get past that, he is trying to make it accessible to others through his outreach. He went from being in total denial and totally afraid to even look at the reality; to being totally empowered by being totally humbled and open to working with everyone.
So if any of his approach can help, I recommend that as a possible model to look into.
Because of the level of financial success and career image he had as a business leader, I think he is able to reach others who might relate to him and feel safe opening up and dealing with their issues as he found a way that worked for him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
emily, the advice you are giving here is dangerous to someone in an abusive relationship. They need help in safely escaping the abuse, NOT working harder to understand and "heal" their partner.
Most abusers are NOT "decent people" underneath. Would you tell a hostage or a victim of kidnapping she should work to "understand" and "forgive" her captor? Because it is a very similar dynamic, and a victim of abuse is at just as much risk.
I hope you will not offer this kind of advice again to someone who is experiencing abuse. Their lives are, quite literally, at stake.
Most abusers are NOT "decent people" underneath. Would you tell a hostage or a victim of kidnapping she should work to "understand" and "forgive" her captor? Because it is a very similar dynamic, and a victim of abuse is at just as much risk.
I hope you will not offer this kind of advice again to someone who is experiencing abuse. Their lives are, quite literally, at stake.
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