emilynghiem

Dear Usfdv
First of all I think you should give yourself credit for the hardest step which is to separate what is coming from you and what is his toxic waste and garbage he is projecting. I think you know the difference, and you are asking how to keep out of this trap. That is very good, some people can't figure it out and stay stuck blaming each other.

Your awareness is your best friend, so be glad and try to keep your conscience clear so it can help you sort this out. When you feel bad feelings or thoughts, just forgive that you are feeling that, accept that and let it go and it won't junk up your mind with confusion. When you feel fear, stop and find out where the fear is coming from.

My guess is that this man either triggers fears from your father, or communication issues with your mother or family. Most issues are repeats projected from insecurities, fears, unresolved conflicts emotions or perceptions we carry over from our parents or past relations. So check yourself, and try to sort out WHICH is from HIM projecting his authority issues with paternal relations or communication issues from maternal relations. And WHICH are coming from you and your sides of the family. This may help you sort out where the patterns of behavior were coming from. If you confront them at the original source, you can untangle the knots and work out the pieces of the puzzle.

Emotionally they tend to run all together where you just feel helpless and bad. but if you can understand that ALL people repeat and project our "Mommy and Daddy issues" from hurts we experienced in the past, then you can go through and forgive and resolve each one and not let them build up and layer on top of each other. You can undo all the layers, and let those negative emotions go to "clear" your heart and mind. It's the miracle of forgiveness that allows us to let go and think clearly how to solve our problems without fear and grief getting in the way.

Even when you feel the emotions rise up, forgive them and let them pass. You will feel more and more at peace and empowered to work through this and not feel like a victim of other people's emotions they will dump on other people.

As long as you hold on to fear and unforgiveness, bad feelings, this attracts people to dump their garbage on you like a trash can. This is where I must tell you, that you do NOT deserve to be used as someone's emotional toxic garbage dump. So forgive and they can't dump on you. Clean out all the negative thoughts fears and emotions out of your space, and don't let them abuse your nice open heart to fill with their negative trash. Let them clean up their own trash.

Imagine your heart and mind are like your house and yard, and only keep things there that are beautiful and make you feel happy. Only loving forgiving thoughts, only caring concerns to help yourself and other equally to enjoy successes together. Anything else that is ugly negative ill will or unforgiving, stop and forgive and have compassion in order to push those bad feelings out and circulate good thoughts instead.

If you keep circulating positive thoughts memories and feelings, then the negative ones can't attach and mess up your lovely house.

So have fun cleaning out your mental closets, your attic and basement, get rid of any thought or memory that doesn't make you happy and fill your space with loving happy thoughts. Reward yourself for every time you clean out a bad memory by forgiving it and letting it go where commit not to let it linger and take up space you could use for positive thoughts instead.

If you can imagine your heart and mind being full of good things where there is NO ROOM for any of the old garbage, that might help you to be more confident in your goal of keeping a clean happy house.

Take care and I hope you feel relief and peace of mind,
comfort and strength to take it one step at a time.

Yours truly,
Love and hugs,
Emily in Houston

Refiner

Omg you poor thing. You've been the target of his sociopathic narcissistic abuse for so long I wonder if what you're describing here could be sort of what goes on with Stockholm Syndrome that those that get kidnapped sometimes get?

FeelingGreat

usfdv, I don't want to pressure you at all, but you seem to be in a horrible situation and reaching the end of your rope.
If you did leave your AH, you and your son would be entitled to support until a final settlement, including him being under your H's insurance.
Can I suggest you quietly find legal advice? You might be able to get an initial free consultation to at least see where you stand. Or the DV people might be able to put you in touch with someone.
Why not at least make some enquiries, very quietly, just to see where you stand? Maybe someone in your family could help you with this.

NYCDoglvr

It's impossible to use rational thinking to figure out why an active alcoholic behaves and he/she does. Have you tried Alanon? It's a wonderful program that helps us stop getting sucked into the craziness of an alcoholic. It saved my sanity.

amy55

Was honing up on SSI again. Like I said, I haven't worked there for 16 years, but this is what I did when I was working. I was really wanting to know how you are doing and holding up? I am concerned about you.

And yes, even if you leave, your H cannot just stop the health coverage.

There are many of us here with backrounds in many things. One thing though that I want you to remember is laws change state to state. So, you can listen to what we say, but always check things out with the state that you live in. Many lawyers have free consults, and also DV is a terrific source of information, they may even be able to provide you with free legal assistance or referrals.

I really do know how hard it is to talk about things, or sometimes like a feeling of betrayal. I also know much about the Stockholm Syndrome, or trauma bonding. It's like hoping that the person that hurt you so much, will be the one to make the hurt go away.

From what you have written, it doesn't seem like you can just go out and talk to friends. Just know that I really do appreciate that you reached out here. You found a "family".

Remember always to clear your cookies, and history when you do come here. Do not ever tell him about this site. This place is for you.

I'm going to also ask you to start getting documentation ready. What I mean by that is your birth certificates, your sons medical records, your financial information, prior tax returns. There is more, but if things might be noticed by him, then make photo copies. Originals if needed can always be obtained.

And please keep in touch..............

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Usfdv

What is the stockhe syndrome and how do I rise above if? Or trauma bonding ? Is this why I care about what he thinks?

I've really tried to think about what I experienced growing up that could be playing a part in this...... I can't think of anything. My mom wasn't perfect, somewhat controlling but she loved me for sure. She is who she is and I accept her as having done the best she could. My dad wasn't ever around. She divorced him when I was 3. I saw very little of him and what I did see, I didn't like much. He was an alcoholic for sure but I can't say that affected me too much, I wasn't around it. I also can't say I longed for him as my dad, I don't feel I knew him or missed knowing him because what I did see, wasn't good. Maybe I've always been extra sensitive but I think that's just who I am or I thought so anyway. And I think I ended up with the wrong person and ignored the signs . By the time I saw them, scary things began to happen. Almost as if things are ok as long as I don't notice but how can I do that,? Hard to unknow what I know once I know it.

amy55

See sometimes, we keep going back to our childhood to see why we would accept, what we have accepted. I can go back there also. I was my Dad's favorite. My mom compensated my other 2 sisters for what I was getting from my Dad that they weren't getting. My dad was an alcoholic and he was abusive to me.

Sometimes, lets cut to the chase. We were seeking love in one way or the other. We tried to do our best. We in fact somewhat tried to be perfectionists.

Actually I dealt with my whole childhood before I got married. But I guess I still had this longing to be loved, or at least liked. I think that is where the H comes in. You start to feel that you are getting something, that you never had before.

Things get bad. You keep trying to figure out how to change you.

You keep questioning yourself.

Keep thinking, that you can make yourself into someone he will love.

Looking for approval.

You begin to have a one track mind.

Then one day, you say "no". I am OK the way I am.

Then the more you stand up for yourself, the more you are knocked down.

I'm just going to tell you, that I like you the way that you are. Get out of that spiralling, get out of the abyss.

I know it's hard for you to get on here to talk. I had a hard time also. Thats OK ,
I'm going to ask something else of you. Do not make any noticeable changes in yourself right now. This will set him off, he will notice this immediately.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

PS- added in later on. For me it was a need to have approval and love. It could differ with many people. I guess in a way I needed to prove that I was lovable.

amy55

There is also the "intermittent chicken" thread here. I'll try to find it, but for anyone more computer savvy then myself, please post it.

Usfdv

This isn't my first attempt to leave. It's one of many. This has been in my mind for months. And after last night , I'm out. I may have to borrow the strength of 10 women to not give into this "thing" that happens to me once I leave, it normally sets in within 48 hours (I know myself) but I'll be if I stay another week, just to feel hopeless. I gave up a year ago and told myself this is just how it had to be because I was so afraid of what he would do or not do or that thing that happens to me but my daughter told me a few minutes ago that even with her door shut, she "heard every word dad said all night." She asked me why he was so disgusting. I've talked to lawyers many times over the years. Once, we both retained one and went at it for 9 months.... That was back when his threats scared me. I think, now a days, I see that I have more on my side then he ever wanted me to know. After two domestic violence arrests..... His continued drunkeness and so much more, I think he's too afraid of me exposing more. I could be wrong. I guess I'm about to find out. Or maybe he is.

amy55

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

See if that works.

Usfdv

I'm taking what I can fit in my car ( starting with my sons things) the rest .... It's just stuff . I don't care, he can have it. His big house, his precious money, his thriving business , his facade , his alcoholism, his big black hole of an abusive self, his cheating, his lies, and he can make himself the victim and tell his stories to everyone so that he's viewed as the great awesome guy who was married to the crazy person.... I don't care.

amy55

I also had my ex arrested for DV. Don't ever think that this will make them back down, and don't ever tell them you are leaving. You need to get all of your ducks in a row first, then you leave.

I don't know if you are planning to go to another State or not, or moving out of your own county that you are in. This you would have to check out with an attorney.

When I did leave, my children were on their own and in college. There are many people here who can advise you of what they went through.

Usfdv

He can go talk his drunk talk to someone else and be tough to them as he tells them all about how he can "eat through someone's throat in 6 seconds" . He can tell them about what a tough guy he is. I'm sick of hearing it. I don't care to hear his stuff for another day.

On another note, I did manage to get him a garbage can as he moaned in bed all fake and loud due to his bender last night like he asked. I managed to get him the smoothie he asked for and several other things. Without saying a word I did what he asked because I do know he's sick. I am a compassionate person. But I do not want to give that to him , in physical space ,one more day of my life.
I've often said he's the kind of person where I could pull him out of a burning flame only to be pushed in after I did. But I know is not be able to sit and watch someone because I'm not evil. But he is. There's something really really disturbing in him

amy55

I can understand all of this, believe me, I can. You need to make sure that what you are doing is legal. The biggest problem is that they are his kids, right?

Now I need you to calm down a little, I know that's hard to do. I felt that way also.

Take a few deep breaths. Breathe in and out, in and out. Relax.

Is there someplace that you can go in your near vicinity for now?

Usfdv

No... I'm going. If I could type out why and how I would . If I could you'd understand my ducks are in a row , and have been getting in that row for several years. He may try to say "she can't leave" but I won't know that until and unless he does it. I have asked what will happen if he does that, I'll be told to come back. I think he's to scared to do that. I could be wrong but I'm ready to find out.

amy55

Can you call the DV shelter, stay there for awhile till you can get your head together a little. Also on Monday, call Social Security to make an appt to file for SSI for your son. This will protect any benefits you might be due from the first of the month. You can then deal with that later.

I stayed at a shelter, it was great. They do try to give families their own room. I was by myself, but there wasn't many there, so I had my own room.

This way you can give yourself a break for awhile, and really think about what you want to do.

I really care about you and your children.

amy

Usfdv

I want him far away from me. My son doesn't belong in a shelter. He's just to fragile.

amy55

The shelter I was in was really clean. Lots of kind and caring people. I think sometimes people get the wrong idea of shelters. Sort of like you see in the movies for homeless people. It's not like that at all. I was alone in my room. There was a bunkbed, and a crib in the room. I would say that the room was about 10' by 15' room. I was suggesting this for a place to stay until you figure out what you need and want to do.

I guess I was thinking the same things about the shelter, until I stayed there. The one I went to had a kitchen, which was spotless, a living room, a den, a playroom for the children, and several bathrooms. It was also at an undisclosed location, with a lot of security.

Just know, I am not insisting that you stay there. Just wanting you to know that it is available, and it is not like homeless shelters.

It just sounds like you have really had it. I know that feeling, and I think sometimes we just need some kind of a break so that our minds can start to function properly again.

Have you been gathering and photocopying documents?

amy


Do you have someplace else to go to in an emergency situation?

A back up plan?

LexieCat

Yes, please listen to amy. A plan is important. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abused partner tries to leave. Serious violence--even murder--have been known to occur. I've worked for many years in the field of domestic violence. I've seen far too many tragedies.

Whether you want to go to a shelter or not, please call your local shelter and talk with an advocate. They can help you with safety planning so you don't put yourself and your kids in more danger as you try to get free. You don't have to stay at the shelter to use their services, which are free.

Having your "ducks in a row" is way more than being emotionally ready to leave. There are the kinds of practical considerations amy was talking about. Please get some professional help from these experts to stay safe.

Refiner

Please be safe!! And check in with us - we are so worried about you!