Usfdv

Can anyone tell me or help me understand myself? My husband is certainly an alcoholic but I think that's the least of it. He's just abusive.

Besides all the things he is, what I'm most confused over is myself. I don't understand what happens to me or how to gain control over it within myself.

What bothers me most about him, in a painful way, is the blame. The rewritten realities. His truth as he would say it. It hurts me deeply but I don't understand why. I think if I could get to a place where no matter what he says or won't allow to be heard, I just don't care, I'd be free. That's my vision anyway but I don't know how to get there. Maybe hearing him all the time doesn't help. Around him, through him, and all that, I feel like the worst person in the world with something to prove only he'd never let me prove a thing to him.

I try and think about where this comes from inside me but I come up empty handed. I can't think of another person I've ever been around who I've felt this way with. It's like a never ending cycle with my husband but it does extend to others because of him . It's just never been this way for me in my life before him.

Mostly, I'm mad at myself . For staying. For how it hurts me. And more. I don't understand what it is. Or how to get him out of my head.

amy55

Hi Usfdv,

I completely understood what you wrote. Sometimes I questioned myself as to if I was even making sense. It was like, I thought I did, but then I didn't know anymore.

I would be in circular conversations with my ex where my head was spinning faster then in the exorcist.

I would remember some conversations that I had with him and surprise, surprise, he wasn't or didn't rage at me. I thought I had gotten through to him. I really didn't, I don't think he heard a word I was saying. I think he turned on the off button, because the only reason he was not raging, was because he wanted sex.

I didn't start on this forum originally. I started on a verbal abuse website. Yes, my ex was an alcoholic also, but his behavior was so egregious, I was even beginning to be afraid of posting on a verbal abuse website.

I was so afraid no one would understand, and I began to isolate. I really thought it was all me, in fact, I hoped it was. Was hoping that perhaps I could be committed and not have to deal with anything anymore.

Well, that was how I felt then, but with the help of many forums and people that did understand, I was never "committed" (lol), and I am now divorced, and own my own home.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Nothing is lonelier then not having compassion, and empathy. You're not alone anymore.


amy

amy55

Now to really answer your question about the "blame game", do you sometimes feels that is it the mood du jour? Like he is in a bad mood and just looking for something to blame you for?

Usfdv

Sometimes it's that he's done something unacceptable and has to turn the tables. To take everything off of his behavior, he purges all these saved up things that are distorted and retold in a way I can't even entertain. Other times it's for some stress or less he's gotten himself in that he has to blame somewhere else. Other times I've no idea where it comes from. Often the things he says..... It's as if he's stealing my feelings. It's also as if everything he accuses me of is him. He sets everything up . It's to where when he's in this mode I totally shut down. I don't answer a single question he's demanding of me because I know every answer will be used against me.

Regardless, it's like he paints this picture of me in order to have himself look better. Odd how that works. Not just with me but with others. I don't tell him anything anymore. What's on one day is twisted up the next. Nothing is ever how it seems and if I get comfortable in any way like "ok, it must be in my head" BAM.......

I don't get it. Most recently and specifically, of details matter at all and I've learned to totally stay away from from them, he said I spent 21,000 dollars this month. When I asked him to show me the statement because I know I didn't, he refused. So I looked it up online. I highlighted things that were mine which totaled 2300, he then said I'm a stalker for looking. See, I don't work . I stay home with the kids one that is medically fragile and terminal. He tells me to use this one card for everything and I've no access to anything (bank accounts and cash, etc). Every month I cringe for the day the bill comes in because here it goes. Truth is, he plays mr rich guy . When he gets in over his head from paying for everyone, everywhere even when nobody asks and doesn't like it, he blames me. Although he does make very good money, he far outlives it and it's all superficial for this facade of his life. So he tells the story of his wife who spends all this money so now he is mr rich guy who isn't appreciated at home. I'm damned if I do or don't . I can't prove anything to him about the lies he tells of me because he never lies don't you know, it's always me or somebody else. It's crazy indeed and sometimes I doubt my own reality. Maybe it is me? But there's this part of me that exists that knows it's not.

I just can't understand why his version of things is so painful to me

Usfdv

And as usual, I'm home tonight and he's out. He will be drunk when he gets home and I'll be asleep and even if I'm not, I'll pretend I am. In this current mode of his he will be looking to be nasty and cruel. It's like I walk on egg shells all the time unsure what seems ok today won't be tomorrow.

BlackSabbath

Omg...crazy making behaviour for sure, not to mention financially abusive al well.

I completely get where you're coming from - the version of the story depends on which way the wind is blowing. Heaven forbid you should make an innocuous comment that gets completely misconstrued - otherwise you face the wrath of the alcoholic. The funny thing is that there's absolutely no way to know what's going to set then off...eventually you get exhausted from treading lightly on the eggshells.

Please look out for yourself & your kids. They need a healthy mama. Do some research on adult children of alcoholics and decide how you want this to play out. Hugs!!!

amy55

Believe me, it is not you. I had the same exact arguments, I guess not too much about money, even though at times it was. For instance, our son graduated HS. He wanted to give our son $200. His niece graduated from HS. I had to cut him down to $500. He always had to look good for other people.

The "blame game" is really a projection of his failures unto you.

I see that you JADE. (J- justify, A-argue, D-defend, E-explain). He is only using that JADE stuff to attack you later.

I am only saying this to you for one reason and for one reason only. You said that you think his behavior is more then just alcoholic. I also thought that about my ex. I really am 99 % sure of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not diagnosing your H. No one really can, except a psychiatrist, and then not really because they hide it so well. They know how to function in public, they want to look good in public, when they come home, the mask comes off.

I think from reading what you wrote so far, that you have had it. I do understand that. Yes, alcohol is a problem, but sometimes, or should I say a lot of times it is but a symptom. And like I said, I am pretty sure my ex was BPD, but I didn't mean yours was.

amy

amy55

Look up a little about the book, "Walking on Eggshells".

Usfdv

I think he'd be more a sociopath and like you, I'm not diagnosing him, it's just what I see and experience. I've had it with him long ago but I've had it with myself more. I don't understand why it provokes what it does in me.

amy55

Have you ever called the DV hotline to see how they can help? 1-800-799-SAFE

I do recommend this. They helped me a lot.

amy55

Also, do you have any children?

Usfdv

Yes we have children. Yes I've called them before . I don't find it to helpful. And btw the money thing was just today. It's with everything. Yes, I've grown to isolate myself. If I dare have a friend it's then that I'm cheating. All I know is the closest I ever get to the truth is through his accusations. Whatever he's accusing me of is as close to the truth as him as I'll ever get.

What I mean by not much help is I do understand the process of what is happening here. Yet I still doubt it. Doubt is such a toxic thing isn't it ?

FireSprite

I just watched this video on blame last night because I'm reading tons of Brene Brown right now & love these little clips they've made of some of her points. Maybe you'll find it helpful?


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IL1JgIj3_fA

amy55

I called the DV hotline once. Oh, God, did I need to talk to someone who wasn't blaming me for everything. I washed the clothes, I didn't wash the clothes, I cooked, I didn't, it was everything and anything. I went to my safe place, in the garage. I needed to talk to a "normal" person. I got this really nice young gentlemen on the phone. He talked to me for over an hour, perhaps closer to 2. He also gave me the phone number for my nearest DV shelter. I think I owe it to that nice young man that answered the first time that I called.

See I was afraid of calling that #. I was afraid of reaching out for help. That phone call turned everything around for me. I did stay at a DV shelter. I was a terrific experience. I can talk more about it, if you want.

Sometimes, I think you can type on the computer, and feel people and they are reaching out, but sometimes to get an actual person on the phone, that has compassion, and is not yelling at you, but they are validating you. IDK. I think that helps so much.

Just thank you for reaching out. You are not alone, and also know, other people who are afraid are reading this also, and you are helping so many others also.

Thank you.

amy

amy55

I'm glad that you are reaching out tonight.

Can you tell me how DV wasn't helpful before? I also did work with Social Security Administration, and perhaps I can help you there. I am sorry, I now remember that you had said that you had children. That was why I mentioned that I had worked for Social Security taking Disability Claims. It was about 16 years ago, but I can still help you with that process, if you need help.

Usfdv

I dream of leaving. Just going one day while he's at work without a word. And I could do that any time I know. The hard part is what happens inside me once I do. I get anxious and nervous. It builds and I give in. I end up sorry. It's as crazy as he is to be honest haha. What is that? It's as if being out of touch with him or away from him is more scary and painful as being with him. It's like something has changed or been implanted inside my brain. And leaving triggers this overwhelming panic and fear.

amy55

Sometimes I look at the words "doubt" and "denial" as the same thing.

Usfdv

Want to know something weird? My sons syndrome is listed on the compassion act. It is one of 50 things on there that means or is supposed to mean he qualifies right away. But my husband makes too much money or so I am told. If and when I do leave, I won't see any money for quite some time . I do have supportive family but his medical bills alone are too much for anyone and his life depends on most of it.

They weren't helpful because things don't work the way the law states they should. I know that, I live it. So I have found that to be false security and reasoning. I understand what abuse is and the cycles and what he is etc. I understand I cannot change him or control him and that his issues are deep rooted. I don't think for a second I'd change him and I don't think he would change himself.... He likes himself so very much, he's perfect

amy55

For SSI purposes, the first month you are not living with your H, his income no longer counts. Child Support would affect it, but not his actual income. If you want to talk about this, we can do this through PM's.

Usfdv

I sent you a pm and I just noticed your comment about doubt being denial. Maybe that's how I need to look at it . I hadn't ever thought of it that way.