marie1960

Hoping you are still with us laststraw, how is your day going?

The downfall of written words, is you never get to hear the sound of emotion of someone's voice.

pretty sure you would hear our voices cracking with empathy, and support for you!

we all know what this hurt and betrayal feels like, and i think sometimes we take on the overprotective big brother/big sister role, wanting to spare and protect the new people from additional hurt and pain.

the bottom line, this is your path, your journey, and we are here and will be here, but I don't know a way to sugarcoat the painful reality you are living, and none of us here have a magic wand or way of getting your husband sober. Addiction, the beast of beasts. I am still trying to figure out which way is up from XA last sh*tshow of events, folks here at SR, can be your lifeline, if you choose.

Sending you healing thoughts.

Breezie

MLS,
I am so sorry for what you are going thru.

I have been in a very similar place. I tried everything I could to get my H sober, including dragging him to rehab twice. None of it worked. What was really going on in my head is I just thought if I could make him happy he wouldn't feel the need to use, and then I could be happy. I just couldn't make him happy tho. Everything I did was wrong. I was such a horrible wife. A failure, again, just like in everything else. All of that he made sure to tell me too. What I failed to see then was that I did not hold the key to either his sobriety or his happiness. Trying to do either was as fruitful as trying to grow money on trees or sprout wings to fly away. It does not make me a failure when I don't achieve the impossible, and time and energy wasted on the impossible takes away from what is possible.

While I hated what my H was doing, I loved him so much. I could complain about him, but if anyone else said a cross word about him I defended him to the hills and back. I took it personally. What did it say about me that I couldn't help him? That I was a failure.

I sense some of those same feelings from you, and I just wanted to tell you that the actions of your H are not a reflection of who you are. He does not do these things because you are bad, or you have failed him in some way. He does them because he is an addict. And the cold hard truth is we are rarely even a passing thought when they are out doing their "thing".

My H is almost three years sober now, and it was all an inside job for him. The only thing I do to help is mind my own recovery, never give him any grief about his meetings or other recovery work taking time and let him know I am proud of him.

I do hope you will find your peace. Big hugs to you.

Mylaststraw

Thanks everyone. I got him into detox today. It turns out he was using heroin along with the alcohol. He seems to want to get into a good methadone program. Although I think that he believes that he can still drink like a normal person.

dandylion

MLS.....now, that he is out of your hair for a while (month?)...you can catch your bearings and begin to work on "the next right thing to do".

***I made a list of suggestions for his earlier in your thread.

dandylion

Katiekate

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It's horrifying sometimes. I hope you can find some support for yourself here and in real time.

Hang in and keep us posted. Katie

amy55

(((((((((((((((mls)))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. You have been through a really rough few days here. How are you doing? How are you holding up?

amy

NWGRITS

At least he was honest about the heroin use and can be detoxed appropriately. As for the thinking on normal drinking... ugh. That'll either change or it won't, and there's nothing you can do about it. Take care of yourself.

Hawkeye13

I'm glad he's safely in detox and you've got a bit of space mls

Try and get some rest if you can. You must be totally worn out from all this.

Mylaststraw

My two kids seem relieved tonight. They are playing xbox and having fun. My husband can't stand the fact that my oldest is into smoking pot. But, he doesn't respect his father because of all the messes he creates. I hope this detox sticks this time.

ubntubnt

Well done MLS on your day. I can only imagine what is running through your mind. You don't need me to tell you how serious the situation has become if he has progressed to using heroin also. It will make the addictive fog that much harder gor him to see through. Please rest up with your kids and try to calm the situation down. And then calmly and with a clear head plan out where you go from here if you can.
I am an alcoholic male and not really equipped with the life experience to help you but there are lots of women here who have been through exactly what you have and who have come out if it very well indeed. I really think they can be a great support for you. I won't post again on this thread but i just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and I would love to see you and your family pull through this.

ting

Well done and now I hope you can just take care of yourself and kids. You have had some great advice here from people who have had some huge experience. The thing I kept thinking as I read this thread was that you may need to start thinking about creating your own pay check. AH being the only pay check in the household holds a lot of power and restrictions over you and your kids. Just a thought.
Rest well.

--------------------------------------------------- "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a day without any new mistakes in it yet?" Anne of Green Gables.-

atalose

I hope his detox sticks this time to. I also hope that this time you do something different for you. Therapy, al-anon, nar-anon something! Your worth it.

Jaeger

MLS - would your son be open to counseling? I'm concerned about your son and his smoking pot. I've noticed that you have mentioned it more than once. May I ask how old is he?

NWGRITS

You are SO worth it. Maybe with him gone and tensions running a little lower, go back through this thread and read with an open mind. We really do care, and we all speak from experience and heartache that no one else should ever have to live through. Yes, even Hammer. Addiction runs in families, so while your AH may not be happy with your son's pot use, he can't really say much. Vice versa from your son. Breathe, relax, focus on you and your kids while AH is gone.

Mylaststraw

This appears to be the last detox that insurance will cover. The union is getting tired of his missing work. I use to worry about him operating the crane at a job site while drunk. I plan on attending my churches Celebrate Recovery program. I guess it helps with all sorts of addictions.

chronsweet

He sounds alot like my xABF. My x actually told me that it was me who made him drink/abuse.

He'd always ignore it and go into a different subject when I reminded him that he was drunk the day I met him and moved out of state to get away from his heroin addiction.

I did NOT know about the h addiction until I was already in a r/s with him for close to a year. At that point in my life, that would have been a deal breaker. It is also a very tough one to beat. My x relapsed on it throughout the entire 7 years we were together. Once he quit daily use, he didn't do it on a regular basis, but I know he did it recently (within the last 2 months). I'd say doing it once and bringing it into the home you share with a child is more than enough. He saw it from a different perspective. He used to meet his friends at hotels too. The pinned eyes are a dead ringer (and the flushed red face) every single time. His eyes are bright green so it was super noticeable.

Anyhow, I am newly free of the A. It's been almost 6 months since he moved out. Life gets better day by day.

I am so thankful for this site. My son is only 5 and I can show him a better way to live. I can also show me a better way as well. I sobbed when I read CoDependent No More. The entire book was a huge WTheck am I doing to myself.

I am praying for you and your family. ((HUGS)) and much love.

Katchie

I think this is wonderful! I joined a celebrate recovery 12 step program. What I love is the fact its just for women. They divide it up where men go to their own program away from the women and to me that makes it a lot more comfortable to share. The ladies in my intimate circle are wonderful and I really look forward to seeing them once a week. Hugs

Hammer

SUPER YOU!!!!

Yep, ALL sorts -- For newcomers into Alanon (since the First Step says "Alcohol"), I usually just say any "A" will do -- Alcohol, Addiction, Anorexia . . .

of course it ALSO helps with Addictions to Addicts.

All in this together, my sister.

and yeah, stoned, drunk, and/or hung-over equipment operators are unbelievably dangerous.

Hammer

Sorry on offending you. Really no intent so.

Dunno if you follow I was dogging LS. . . . "auntwife." . . . . omigod. I am still laughing about that today. But we were both prior service -- so dark humor comes with that.

A couple years into this you may enjoy "My Name is Earl" reruns. You will see why when you get there.

But overall -- I think you are plenty tough. Tough enough to not financially depend on an A, I am betting. Whole bunch of your misery will go away with that. You will probably like Tradition 7 -- anyone know if CR does the Traditions along with the Steps?

About your kids and how to be straight up with them. This is not Alanon nor CR, but from NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). I found it pretty helpful >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html

Stung

I felt just like you do now when I first came to this site. I felt like some posters were really ganging up on me and I responded in such a way too. I can understand how the bluntness is jarring and uncomfortable. I don't respond well to people being blunt with me about my husband's alcoholism or what had been happening in our home. What my experience has taught me is that other people that are married to alcoholics (or were previously married to an alcoholic) have basically been living with the exact same heartache and exact same struggles as me, so they do know. WE do understand and we've been walking in the same shoes as you.

What I've learned that has been the most helpful to me this year is that sources like this site are best utilized when I use them to figure out how to put myself and my children in the best possible environment, not my alcoholic husband. One of the al-anon books (One Day At a Time daily) talks directly to this (p.81.)

"Fortunate is the newcomer who finds a group that permits
the relief of [talking about their troubles].....But still
more fortunate is the newcomer to a group that does not
allow such unburdening to continue, meeting after meeting.
There is work to be done..."

We care about you and what we already understand is that you cannot really do much to help your husband. I'm not digging at you by any means by saying that. It took me the bulk of last year to figure that out about my own alcoholic husband too.

I'm sending you hugs and lots of good luck for an easy morning dealing with your husband.