Jupiters

I wonder if MLS has ever been on ANY site - a forum site at all to have any experience with how they work?
I can see why she would be a little on the offensive side if this was her first experience with a board of this nature. It can be quite daunting and overwhelming, especially with the sensitive subject matter.
MLS - Hope you still read at least.

Bullfrog

MLS, I too was a stay at home mom. I know the fear of having my husband lose his job/paycheck. It's so scary, especially as a mother.

Here is the image when I think of what marriage to an alcoholic/addict had become: I was on a sinking ship, and the captain was not only drunk, he was actively drilling more holes in our boat. I finally decided to take my kids and get in a life boat and trust that God would lead us to a safe island.

I finally took my children and left. We lived in a lovely women's shelter for a month. Talk about my rock bottom. Here was this good little Christian girl who always tried to do the right thing and save everyone... Homeless. Talk about a lesson in humility. I needed it, though, and am eternally thankful for the experience.

When I got there, I had $6 in my purse. Talk about having to trust in God! I now have a great job, a wonderful home and my kids are flourishing. It's been tough, but God has taken care of me, every scary step of the way. He can and will do the same for you.

I know you love your husband, but you cannot get him sober. This is a sick evil disease, and you cannot beat it yourself. You can place him in God's hands, then get on a lifeboat with your kids, because they need a captain.

Al-Anon has been core in my life this past year, in helping restore my sanity. There are people there who will love you, listen to you, encourage you and most importantly, understand exactly what you've been through.

Sometimes, we sound harsh here (and you have to learn to speak Hammer-ese after awhile), but we just want to pull you and your kids into the lifeboat-- because we've BEEN THERE. We just want to save you from our own hard lessons.

Be well.

chronsweet

Also sweetie I just re-read your post I replied to. Reddish face is not a good sign either. When my xabf was on heroin his face would get bright red. His nose looked like Rudolph. He'd get all itchy too. And it also causes impotence.

When I first came to sr I didn't like what ppl told me either. I fought against it and thought that 'my story' was different and he would/could change for ME. After a while I found solace knowing that the stories don't change only the names. This is what I was dealing with and these actions by him are what I could count on. That gave me my own clarity for what I knew I had to do based on the knowledge of my own story and countless others who have forged the road before me.

I think a lot of us here are women too. When we see the headline of this post ... We instantly want to offer advice. Take a deep breath and just start thinking about how you want to live your own life. Do you want to be running around after him doing God only knows what with strangers in hotel rooms?

Dojang

When I first came here, in the middle of an insane crisis, I, too, was upset by some of the things people said to me. I wanted to fix him & wanted someone to tell me how. I learned the hard way it's not possible to get someone else sober, no matter how much you love them & want that. I was upset because no one would tell me what I wanted to hear. But I learned quickly they were telling me the truth & what I NEEDED to hear. Thank God for everyone on this board. They are the ones that kept me strong when I felt weak. I hope you continue to lean on us. We will always be here for you.

zoso77

MLS,

I'm sorry to read about this.

My hope is in the days and weeks to come, you consider what options going forward work best for you, being aware that said options may include doing things you don't want to do.

Seren

Good morning, mylaststraw!

Wow! What a harrowing weekend!! My husband and I have been through the wringer with his son (my stepson) who graduated from alcohol to crack to, well, whatever he could get his hands on. I'm so sorry for all of this and hope, at least, that you and your children were able to get some sleep last night for your own health. There are a lot of voices here, but the most important one is your own. You are the only one living your life and you have to make your own decisions about how you want to live it for yourself and your precious little ones.

__________________________________________________ ________

Ladies and gentlemen,

I do hope you can try to remember what it was like when you were a newcomer here to SR. I hope you can remember how overwhelmingly frightened, confused, angry, and exhausted you were when you landed here. Please keep that in mind. If there is a situation that a member is sharing that makes you angry or frustrated or anxious, then perhaps taking a break from the keyboard is a good idea. Peace, Seren

maia1234

MLS- I am sorry you are at this forum, it looks like your A has put you through hxll for many years. I Keep posting this quote below. Maybe one day it will hit home for you and him. God Bless You!!

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

amy55

Hi Mls,

I am thinking of you today, and concerned about you. Hopefully you were able to get some sleep last night.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

amy55

Mls,

I want you to stay focused. Again, please take what you can right now and leave the rest.

If you feel like talking, unloading, venting, I'm here for you

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

iamthird

MLS,

I have been on this forum for many years. Just a few days I posted something and got a few comments on my thread that rubbed me the wrong way. My initial response was to go away from SR and be done with it, but I took a little time to think about what was said to me.

In this moment, I still dont agree with some of what was offered up to me. I felt it was a Negative Nancy/Misery loves company situation. Then I realized that SR has been there for me through some very dark times and along with the good, also comes the bad. I am so glad I did not walk away from this forum.

Do your best to ignore the comments that offend you. Try to give people benefit of doubt that it is coming from a good place.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Although they are older, they are still your babies! They need to see their Mama happy!

amy55

I need to say something here. I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. I didn't know what was going on. I was reading books, and more books, but I needed to talk to people. I needed to hear from other people. I needed to feel better about myself because I was only told bad things about me. The only person I was really talking to, or should I say, I was hearing from, was my ex, who was trying to define me the way that he wanted to.

I needed support, help, and validation. I'm pretty sure many of us here took a really long time to reach out for help, but before that they were living in h3ll questioning if everything was there fault, or even if they had any purpose in life.

All I am asking is that we treat this OP the way that we would have wanted to be treated when we got to that point that we didn't think that we could take it anymore.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

FireSprite

I hear & respect what you are saying Amy, but we are all different. I WASN'T coming from a physical abusive relationship, & I don't remember the OP in this thread saying that she is either. (I could be wrong, there are a lot of posts.)

I AM headstrong & fairly confident in many areas of my life, including the parts that deal with addiction. Tough Talk/tough love works for me, but that isn't for everybody, we all respond differently.

kudzujean

I think that's a great analogy. And it's very like my early childhood with an alcoholic father--until my mother had him locked up so she could take me and my sibs and go to live with her parents for a while.

NerdlyBeauty

This is making me so sad...I don't even have words. Sometimes I come here, and I get an enormous amount of strength. Other times, like today, it just brings back very painful memories.

Needabreak

I do understand the need to be mindful that people are coming from stressed situations, and I certainly came from one myself.

But we are all adults here, not children who need to be protected.

And if we are required to take the view that posters here are wounded children who have to be protected, then there really isn't going to be any honesty or healing happening, and the site will become pointless, just a place for people to vent.

Catherine628

I am sorry to read about your situation. I just want you to know I have been there. I too have found AH in compromising situations after his disappearances.

I strongly suggest the book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.

I was in deep denial for a long time. Denial, minimizing, and justifying were my coping methods. I needed to deny reality because I just wasn't ready to face the truth. I think I would have been a suicidal mess without my coping mechanisms regardless of how dysfunctional things must have appeared to others.

I'm not a very religious person but when I was going through the worst of it someone sent me this verse:
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I hope you continue to read and post here. It might not seem like it now but it really is a supportive place.

Catherine628

Oh and one other thing. My AH had the high paying job and I felt trapped too. Circumstances made me leave much sooner than I was ready. When/If it ever becomes necessary for you to leave you may learn there are more options than you imagined.

changeneeded

MLS,

I posted a couple times last night, and I want you to know I am still sending prayers and encouragement for you. My dear, I understand, truly I do.

Under a different name I came here and posted about my AH and how he was a highly functioning, well respected A who had been hiding Tequila and Rum in the garage, I had just found it.

Woa! A lot of people jumped in to tell me that I was in denial, and that no normal person hides alcohol.

I Was furious!! and thought WTH! my life is not like these cry baby losers. LOL

My point is, I'm here and glad I found these people. They honestly care because they have either been there or still are, and just want to help.

Thinking of you and your hubby today. How blessed he is to have you. Please, once you have him where he needs to be; come back here to us and let us give you (((hugs)) and an ear to hear. We care, honestly, we do.

NWGRITS

You can't get him sober. I understand that it makes you angry to keep seeing this, but it's true. And he's added heroin into the mix. You're fighting something much bigger than all of us. You're not going to find what you're looking for, because it doesn't exist. If we could save them, this site wouldn't exist. The only people we can save are ourselves. That's it.

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here who took hostages quite often and here's what I'd think when I was a drunken SOB:
Please keep carrying me. Please keep thinking you can save me. Please keep trying to rescue me.Because in doing so you dont even realize you are my hostage and under my control. I will suck every bit of self worth out of you. I will take you to the gates of insanity with me because I want the company. I will take you down into the deepest depths of misery possible.
I will do whatever I can to make you believe the information and suggestions in this thread are from hateful angry people and you don't need these people in your life. You only need me and only to focus on my needs.


Back to sober me now.
Please get out of denial. IMO the anger isn't in the ones responding to ya.

Few lyrics from a song I like:
Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream