Found husband at flebag motel
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I loved my ex also. What blew me away is that he kept disappearing, and he did not give a d@mn about me. I had asked him about his disappearing acts. He told me that not once did he care about how I felt. It took me a really long time to believe that he told me the truth.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
PS - I was married for 27 years.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
PS - I was married for 27 years.
Last edited by amy55; 01-18-2015 at 11:37 PM. Reason: added Ps
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
MLS,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You've been through a lot and I'm glad you reached out for help here. I hope your husband goes to detox and starts to really work on his recovery.
I just wanted to let you know that even though you found some posts offensive, I've been here long enough to know that the members of this forum really do care about each other and they are worried about your situation.
We're all here because someone we love is fighting some form of addiction. This is a place where you can vent, cry and share anything you want with people who have been where you are at right now. They've walked in your shoes and fear where things might be headed for you and your family.
I'm glad you reached out for help and I hope you will continue posting. Sending you lots of hugs.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You've been through a lot and I'm glad you reached out for help here. I hope your husband goes to detox and starts to really work on his recovery.
I just wanted to let you know that even though you found some posts offensive, I've been here long enough to know that the members of this forum really do care about each other and they are worried about your situation.
We're all here because someone we love is fighting some form of addiction. This is a place where you can vent, cry and share anything you want with people who have been where you are at right now. They've walked in your shoes and fear where things might be headed for you and your family.
I'm glad you reached out for help and I hope you will continue posting. Sending you lots of hugs.
Last edited by Sara21; 01-18-2015 at 11:42 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I thought I just posted, but it's not here. Yes, there is bluntness, it all depends on the different stages people are going through. I always try to remember when I first joined a forum and how alone I felt, and how I just needed any kind of support or validation. I needed someone to lean on. I needed someone to hear me and listen to me, because I was feeling like I was in a straight jacket, with duct tape on my mouth. Nobody saw me, no one listened to me, I felt like I didn't exist. This is where I post from. Some might not have felt this. Some might have, but can't go back to that place again.
I love my ex also. always will. I'm also Catholic. God never intended for us to live like this. We as a person are meant to be loved, and to feel loved.
No man is an island. I was becoming that island, and I wasn't letting anyone else in. I was trying and trying to fix every thing in my relationship with no cooperation from the other person in the relationship.
I just remember all the times that I would try to call him when he went on his bender, and wouldn't answer my calls, shut the phone off. I felt like I didn't exist.
amy
I love my ex also. always will. I'm also Catholic. God never intended for us to live like this. We as a person are meant to be loved, and to feel loved.
No man is an island. I was becoming that island, and I wasn't letting anyone else in. I was trying and trying to fix every thing in my relationship with no cooperation from the other person in the relationship.
I just remember all the times that I would try to call him when he went on his bender, and wouldn't answer my calls, shut the phone off. I felt like I didn't exist.
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
You are tough, but I bet you are also feeling vulnerable.
Sometimes bluntness is hard to handle when you are vulnerable.
I know early on I posted something and I got a response from a long timer here that made me cry with its bluntness. I then got all riled up and defensive. But I kept coming back to that comment, over and over. And I eventually realised that it had such an impact on me not because that member was trying to hurt me or be unsupportive, but because it resonated for me on the deepest level.
It was about the chaos that I was creating for my kids, for the terrible life I was giving them by giving so much power to my AH's pay packet.
It ended up being the 'last straw' for me to take action.
When you are feeling less raw, maybe think about why you are reacting so strongly to some of the posts here. Under the bluntness, maybe there is something that is REALLY hitting you in the gut? Something your gut knows to be true, that you head hasn't caught up to yet?
I wish you all the best.
Sometimes bluntness is hard to handle when you are vulnerable.
I know early on I posted something and I got a response from a long timer here that made me cry with its bluntness. I then got all riled up and defensive. But I kept coming back to that comment, over and over. And I eventually realised that it had such an impact on me not because that member was trying to hurt me or be unsupportive, but because it resonated for me on the deepest level.
It was about the chaos that I was creating for my kids, for the terrible life I was giving them by giving so much power to my AH's pay packet.
It ended up being the 'last straw' for me to take action.
When you are feeling less raw, maybe think about why you are reacting so strongly to some of the posts here. Under the bluntness, maybe there is something that is REALLY hitting you in the gut? Something your gut knows to be true, that you head hasn't caught up to yet?
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 283
Hey Straw. I've lurked here for a year now and I have always been afraid to post and tell my story because I was afraid of the responses that I would receive after reading this board. However, your story prompted me to post for the first time. My husband also disappeared around the same as yours (mine left on Thurs. came back on Sat) He actually encouraged me to post. He told me "You shouldn't hide anymore". Anyhow, not really ready to spill my whole saga but I guess I just wanted to say I'm here for you and maybe we can share some of the same experiences without judgment. And at the same time, maybe listen to the advice from the veterans that are giving their wisdom with kindness in their hearts. It's too late (1 am) to analyze all the feedback you got but some may have rubbed you the wrong way and I gather I may have had the same reaction...not sure too much to take in at once. Only take what you think you need or helps you for the moment and leave the other for later when you are ready. For now at this moment just be strong.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
after a couple of days, take a step back and read this entire thread again. mls you have not reached your bottom yet.
when you detach from this, you will see your insanity of the whole situation.
this loving husband took your only car and disappeared, he did not tell you where he was, you had to hunt him down, by taking 2 buses, good grief! then he back pedalled with the "sister"story. i would bet the farm this is not platonic, but you are closing your eyes.
you are trying to run his life with setting up rehab, He does not care, he will go through the motions, go back and repeat, this is the train to crazytown!
you cannot pass your judgement on people here who have been in your shoes and worse, they have come through and are trying to help you.
i hope you will see this later. With all your insurance and the availabilty you are fortunate enough to have, get some ftf counseling for you, so you can see how dysfunctional thing have become.
there is no "rat pack " here, just real experience of horrible incidents that affected many lives.
if wry humor helps, you might try to understand that.
your dear husband is showing you what he is, over and over....you cant fix him.
LS, i have 2 "fancy flush" toilets, could not live without them!
when you detach from this, you will see your insanity of the whole situation.
this loving husband took your only car and disappeared, he did not tell you where he was, you had to hunt him down, by taking 2 buses, good grief! then he back pedalled with the "sister"story. i would bet the farm this is not platonic, but you are closing your eyes.
you are trying to run his life with setting up rehab, He does not care, he will go through the motions, go back and repeat, this is the train to crazytown!
you cannot pass your judgement on people here who have been in your shoes and worse, they have come through and are trying to help you.
i hope you will see this later. With all your insurance and the availabilty you are fortunate enough to have, get some ftf counseling for you, so you can see how dysfunctional thing have become.
there is no "rat pack " here, just real experience of horrible incidents that affected many lives.
if wry humor helps, you might try to understand that.
your dear husband is showing you what he is, over and over....you cant fix him.
LS, i have 2 "fancy flush" toilets, could not live without them!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
MLS, that's great if you want to stay with your husband.
But at least get yourself tested, he doesn't have to sleep with an addict to get an STD. It can be by sharing a needle, sharing a rolled up bill or straw to snort something and there is blood on it.
It's not a crime to take care of YOURSELF. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you have to leave him.
But at least get yourself tested, he doesn't have to sleep with an addict to get an STD. It can be by sharing a needle, sharing a rolled up bill or straw to snort something and there is blood on it.
It's not a crime to take care of YOURSELF. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you have to leave him.
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw 
Amy, I am stunned at some of the bluntness. I love my husband and have been with him for many years. I feel like you guys are seeking than me. I support my husband in his desire to get sober. 
U guys are amazing!!!!!!
U guys are amazing!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Welcome MLS . Wow, that’s a tough situation to deal with. Unfortunately, going MIA in motels seems to be a common pattern of behavior for some addicts. Not that this “knowledge” would make what’s happening to you less painful, but maybe it helps to know that you are not alone, and this happens to a lot of wives and husbands and families regardless of where they live, or how much they love their addicts.
From you posts I picked up, that between running a family, raising children, drug testing your son and dragging your husband to detox you have a lot on your shoulders to keep your family together. How are you coping with all of this? Anyone you can lean on once in a while?
From you posts I picked up, that between running a family, raising children, drug testing your son and dragging your husband to detox you have a lot on your shoulders to keep your family together. How are you coping with all of this? Anyone you can lean on once in a while?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,787
WOW. This thread is epic.
MLS, I want to share this old thread with you because it may help you to understand how the long-time posters often come off much more aggressive to newcomers than they expect:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
We're all at different stages of recovery here & sometimes that can be a bit like oil & water.
One thing I can say with absolute certainty though - NO ONE has made fun of you or made jokes at your expense. I do realize Hammer's humor can be an acquired taste but in truth his POV is very valuable. He jokes, but never at the expense of members here.
I think that your expectations of what this board is about were very different from you see in the responses. We are here for US. We have learned that we cannot create or maintain sobriety for our loved ones, they have to do that themselves. We are also more than *just* wives & husbands here - many are dealing with addiction in their children, friends, siblings, parents. MANY are recovering addicts themselves. All sides are represented on SR & that also means that our solutions are sometimes different by slight degrees.
Some things are constant & those are the things we have to accept. Addiction IS a progressive disease, that's fact, not opinion. A person can only get & stay sober for themselves, also fact, IMO
While outside forces can influence that for the individual, it's up to them to verbalize that & develop stronger ties with those positive things. (AA, detox, kids, whatever)
I think anytime a Newbie starts posting during a crisis it can be the Perfect Storm or clashing opinions. In a crisis, we are thinking emotionally more than rationally & more apt to get offended or skew things in a more negative light. I hope you follow the suggestion to re-read this entire thread after a break & after the moment of crisis is past, you may be surprised at how differently you read some of the same comments.
Because, I'll tell ya, some of the shares in this thread are downright HEROIC. Some of the truths that people have laid out here in a PUBLIC forum to help you in your life are intensely painful experiences that they'd probably prefer to brush under a carpet somewhere. Sure, we're hiding behind avatars & screen names for identity protection but, speaking for myself, that has also given me the freedom to be 100% honest & free here in this forum & I know others feel that way as well. That's how we're able to let go of big, dark secrets & ask for help. That's how we are able to embrace our big, dark secrets to help someone else suffering a similar fate.
I'll be honest again - I don't really care about your husband. To me, it seems obvious that he is a grown man making his own decisions with full awareness of what he's doing, a person living with few boundaries or consequences.
I DO however, care very much for you & your kids. I am a child of an alcoholic father as well as the wife of a recovering alcoholic. My father was no where NEAR as far-gone as the majority of the stories I have read here on this board, not even close..... but MY damage is STILL significant & deeply rooted. At 41 yrs old (eek!) I am FINALLY starting to be able to put myself together in a Whole Way, where I feel like a Real Person. I was never abused, never homeless, never neglected & always loved by both of my parents. But I WAS greatly damaged.
Can you, for just a moment (sitting there all alone right now with no one to see you) close your eyes & block ALL thoughts of your husband & think solely of your children? Can you for a split second, not think about all of this as what's best for him but what's best for them? I, from the bottom of my heart, PROMISE you that it ISN'T his paycheck.
I wish you well, I hope you come back to SR. I know you will find support here.
MLS, I want to share this old thread with you because it may help you to understand how the long-time posters often come off much more aggressive to newcomers than they expect:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
We're all at different stages of recovery here & sometimes that can be a bit like oil & water.
One thing I can say with absolute certainty though - NO ONE has made fun of you or made jokes at your expense. I do realize Hammer's humor can be an acquired taste but in truth his POV is very valuable. He jokes, but never at the expense of members here.
I think that your expectations of what this board is about were very different from you see in the responses. We are here for US. We have learned that we cannot create or maintain sobriety for our loved ones, they have to do that themselves. We are also more than *just* wives & husbands here - many are dealing with addiction in their children, friends, siblings, parents. MANY are recovering addicts themselves. All sides are represented on SR & that also means that our solutions are sometimes different by slight degrees.
Some things are constant & those are the things we have to accept. Addiction IS a progressive disease, that's fact, not opinion. A person can only get & stay sober for themselves, also fact, IMO
While outside forces can influence that for the individual, it's up to them to verbalize that & develop stronger ties with those positive things. (AA, detox, kids, whatever)I think anytime a Newbie starts posting during a crisis it can be the Perfect Storm or clashing opinions. In a crisis, we are thinking emotionally more than rationally & more apt to get offended or skew things in a more negative light. I hope you follow the suggestion to re-read this entire thread after a break & after the moment of crisis is past, you may be surprised at how differently you read some of the same comments.
Because, I'll tell ya, some of the shares in this thread are downright HEROIC. Some of the truths that people have laid out here in a PUBLIC forum to help you in your life are intensely painful experiences that they'd probably prefer to brush under a carpet somewhere. Sure, we're hiding behind avatars & screen names for identity protection but, speaking for myself, that has also given me the freedom to be 100% honest & free here in this forum & I know others feel that way as well. That's how we're able to let go of big, dark secrets & ask for help. That's how we are able to embrace our big, dark secrets to help someone else suffering a similar fate.
I'll be honest again - I don't really care about your husband. To me, it seems obvious that he is a grown man making his own decisions with full awareness of what he's doing, a person living with few boundaries or consequences.
I DO however, care very much for you & your kids. I am a child of an alcoholic father as well as the wife of a recovering alcoholic. My father was no where NEAR as far-gone as the majority of the stories I have read here on this board, not even close..... but MY damage is STILL significant & deeply rooted. At 41 yrs old (eek!) I am FINALLY starting to be able to put myself together in a Whole Way, where I feel like a Real Person. I was never abused, never homeless, never neglected & always loved by both of my parents. But I WAS greatly damaged.
Can you, for just a moment (sitting there all alone right now with no one to see you) close your eyes & block ALL thoughts of your husband & think solely of your children? Can you for a split second, not think about all of this as what's best for him but what's best for them? I, from the bottom of my heart, PROMISE you that it ISN'T his paycheck.
I wish you well, I hope you come back to SR. I know you will find support here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Does your husband want to get sober? Is he trying? Relapse happens but he's falling pretty far down the rabbit hole. I found that this book helped me understand and cope with not only my BF's behavior but my own. We can only change ourselves and our actions. It is impossible to change the actions of others. Finally grasping and understanding that was literally life-changing for me. I let go of massive amounts of anxiety and accepted the fact that I am a control freak and started to explore the many reasons why.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
This site has helped me so much, but when I came here I was raw and hurting and shocked at how some people responded (especially Hammer, lol). I tried to ignore the posts that got my goat and it worked. Eventually I came to realize that even if I don't agree with what every person says, I get something valuable out of most responses. There is a lot of wisdom, love, and compassion here. I hope you'll stick around. Hugs.
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
This site has helped me so much, but when I came here I was raw and hurting and shocked at how some people responded (especially Hammer, lol). I tried to ignore the posts that got my goat and it worked. Eventually I came to realize that even if I don't agree with what every person says, I get something valuable out of most responses. There is a lot of wisdom, love, and compassion here. I hope you'll stick around. Hugs.
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
MLS. Let me try it this way. I know I and I dare say many others here, experienced the same things you are seeing happen now. Speaking for myself, I loved my XAGF. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt when things didn't add up. When she would disappear you simply heard the story and "made it the truth." For me I didn't know I was dealing with alcoholism. I believed I was the problem. "I'm being paranoid", "I assume too much bad", "I am insecure", etc etc etc. I was you once.
Then you go through the stage that my AC is different and nobody will understand my problems and feelings. That comes from being isolated and uneducated about the disease.
What I learned about AC and my XAGF is this. She was textbook alcoholic. Once that light bulb goes off, the whole world begins to be viewed differently. It doesn't mean she had excuses for her actions, it means her actions were now understood better by me. Which allowed me to protect me.
MLS. Your husband is textbook. Many here have now read this book. We know how it ends. None of us here mean harm to you in any way at all. If you would rather read and experience the book on your own, we will let you do that. But if you want to know how it ends, listen to the ones that have been there. I am the least Co Dependent person I or anyone I know, know.
And AC kicked my butt. And it will stick with me for the rest of my life and I am not the AC.
MLS nothing you are going through is a new story here. We are just trying to help you see the end of the story or give you the Cliff Notes at the least. You don't love your husband any more, any harder or any better than we loved our AC partners.
We are all asking you to save yourself first. Your AC husband certainly won't.
Then you go through the stage that my AC is different and nobody will understand my problems and feelings. That comes from being isolated and uneducated about the disease.
What I learned about AC and my XAGF is this. She was textbook alcoholic. Once that light bulb goes off, the whole world begins to be viewed differently. It doesn't mean she had excuses for her actions, it means her actions were now understood better by me. Which allowed me to protect me.
MLS. Your husband is textbook. Many here have now read this book. We know how it ends. None of us here mean harm to you in any way at all. If you would rather read and experience the book on your own, we will let you do that. But if you want to know how it ends, listen to the ones that have been there. I am the least Co Dependent person I or anyone I know, know.
And AC kicked my butt. And it will stick with me for the rest of my life and I am not the AC.
MLS nothing you are going through is a new story here. We are just trying to help you see the end of the story or give you the Cliff Notes at the least. You don't love your husband any more, any harder or any better than we loved our AC partners.
We are all asking you to save yourself first. Your AC husband certainly won't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 142
I understand you just want to get your husband sober. That's all any of us wanted for the A's in our life. If it were possible to get someone else sober, this board wouldn't exist. Some of our words may seem harsh. Please know they are said to try & help YOU avoid some of the pain the rest of us have lived through. We have all suffered because we tried to get someone else sober. You & your children have been through a lot. None of us want to see you suffer any more. No one deserves the things we have all put up with in our efforts to help someone get sober. Please, get help for yourself. Whether you stay with your husband or not, you & your children will need a lot of help & support to get through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LastStraw....I don't want to add any more....just to say this to you:
"Take what you need, and leave the rest". this is the common saying, in these parts, about what to do with what is said on this board.
Sort of like a shopping trip....just bring home what you feel that you can use--you don't have to buy the whole store.....
dandylion
"Take what you need, and leave the rest". this is the common saying, in these parts, about what to do with what is said on this board.
Sort of like a shopping trip....just bring home what you feel that you can use--you don't have to buy the whole store.....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
MLS, I understand where you are. I am not ever going to tell you what to do except to prepare for the worst, and hope and pray for the best. I don't think the other person in the hotel room matters, I think your husband matters. The reality is, he ran off and you had no idea where he was. You found him wasted and "drug" him back home. I worry that he was using drugs, which is something they need to know in the detox so he is detoxed properly. Lastly, I would say that I hope you make some sort of plans alternately as you rely on his income. With behavior such as this, his job won't last forever and you will need to have an immediate plan.
I am so sorry. I know you are hurting and want to stand by his side. He is a lucky man. I just hope you take care of yourself in all of this too.
Good luck and God Bless to you and your family.
I am so sorry. I know you are hurting and want to stand by his side. He is a lucky man. I just hope you take care of yourself in all of this too.
Good luck and God Bless to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
I am not 100% convinced she is a prostitute. I will question my husband when he wakes up tomorrow. Right now he is out cold and I hope this "bender" will be his last. I can feel his pulse is high. His face is reddish and his eyes looked like little pin holes when I picked him up.
Questioning him isn't going to help. It's going to drive you mad. I have been where you are. Just escaped recently. My xabf is currently in the throes of alcohol addiction but he's an addict of almost everything. When the eyes are pinned out...where the pupils are tiny ... They are on opiates.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 62
Mylaststraw - I'm sorry you feel attacked. I can't relate to what you've been though, but my heart goes out to you and your children. I think there's a lot of advice coming at you that you may not be ready to hear yet and certainly that can be overwhelming. Please recognize, though, that what you may perceive as harsh is advice that is coming from a really good place.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
MLS - I just wanted to wish you good luck, whatever it is you decide to do.
The anger is palpable in this thread, I hope you can find a way to direct that to the proper individual (hubs).
And I hope that your kids will be ok. This is a horrible situation. I'm sorry that you have felt personally attacked as well, I think people here really are just trying to help.
I hope you listen to the advice of seeking medical help with checking for STDs, one cannot be too safe. Trust me.
Good luck to you.
The anger is palpable in this thread, I hope you can find a way to direct that to the proper individual (hubs).
And I hope that your kids will be ok. This is a horrible situation. I'm sorry that you have felt personally attacked as well, I think people here really are just trying to help.
I hope you listen to the advice of seeking medical help with checking for STDs, one cannot be too safe. Trust me.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm glad you're here.
No matter how much you don't like some of what's been said, Firesprite is right -- everything is said out of concern and love by people who have been in similar situations.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic. He was the breadwinner. We had a nice house. New cars every year. Cushy lifestyle. Nobody knew what went on behind closed doors. When I left him, I took the kids and moved to a bad part of town with gang violence and drug deals and shootings. It was what I could afford. But people there looked out for each other and took care of each other in a way I never saw in the suburbs. It was frightening at first, but for me, it was the best choice I could have made.
But it wasn't easy.
That's my story. I hope you hang around here. There is lots of support and help on this board, and I hope you can see that even if some replies may strike you as harsh. I had the same reaction when I first came here.
No matter how much you don't like some of what's been said, Firesprite is right -- everything is said out of concern and love by people who have been in similar situations.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic. He was the breadwinner. We had a nice house. New cars every year. Cushy lifestyle. Nobody knew what went on behind closed doors. When I left him, I took the kids and moved to a bad part of town with gang violence and drug deals and shootings. It was what I could afford. But people there looked out for each other and took care of each other in a way I never saw in the suburbs. It was frightening at first, but for me, it was the best choice I could have made.
But it wasn't easy.
That's my story. I hope you hang around here. There is lots of support and help on this board, and I hope you can see that even if some replies may strike you as harsh. I had the same reaction when I first came here.
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