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Old 02-22-2009, 07:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Why does the addict push those that love them away?

Hello after viewing this site for the last 6 months i have finally registered! So let me start by saying i way a drug addict 17 years ago and hit rock bottom before i quit. Now i am in love with someone whom i meet (we have only been dating 6 months) while they were drinking and did not know, and yes i should have seen the signs but they are a hide and drink type so i never really saw it. So they came clean and told me they had a problem and entered treatment and i promised to stand by them no matter what and during in-patient we got even closer and now they are home and doing out-patient and 90 in 90 which i still support. A week ago this person lapsed and i was there to help and gave some tough love after they asked for my help, when we are together we are both very happy but when apart this person changes and gets very negative but i know that recovery is up and down so i stay supportive!

Now we had a great time Thursday and then Friday & Saturday they dropped out of site no answering calls or messages and i was really worried so i went to there house today to check on them and was greeted with great hostility and told this is not working and we cannot be together! Now i know it is not recommended to get into a new relationship during recovery but if your relationship started before and it is a benefit then i think it is a plus to have lots of folks around you that care about you.

I believe i am being pushed away because this person is scared and do not know what to do, i new they would be angry that i went to see they were ok but never expected this at all..
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I suggest giving the person some space in which to heal. If they know that you care but plan to keep some distance, then they can give you a call when their emotions settle down. It's hard and frightening to try to fix yourself when someone is watching--I am NOT saying that you are. You sound like a fantastic partner. I'm just thinking that if they are feeling overwhelmed, any attempt to help them might seem an extra burden, at least temporarily. How lucky they would be if you were still there when the dust settled for them.
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Most likely it is because you are putting them in check for threir behavior/addiction. They have to confront what they are doing insead of denying it.

What do you think is best for you and your life? Where do you see yourself in 2 years? 7yrs? 20yrs? Does an A fit into those plans?

If he does not want to be together than give him some space. Let him work his program. There is nothjing saying you can't get back to gether later if he stays sober.

Only he can decide how his recovery will go

I would suggest trying Al-anon and educating yourself about the disease It is very helpful!

Keep posting!
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Old 02-22-2009, 07:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks Daisy30

I am in a Al-anon group and i am understanding that alcohol is very different from drugs, like i said my addiction was drugs and it almost destroyed my life but i have been clean 17 years and very happy. Now i will admit going through this with another has brought back some of my own feelings about my recovery both good and bad!

As far as my group they are really firm that i not let the person i love get away with the BS, what concerns me is i think the reason for the drop out of site for a couple days was because they were drinking again and they are angry for me calling them on it and they are lying to me!! The lack of trust is what hurts the most as i love them very much...
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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what concerns me is i think the reason for the drop out of site for a couple days was because they were drinking again and they are angry for me calling them on it and they are lying to me!! The lack of trust is what hurts the most as i love them very much...
Yes it hurts. But this is their recovery. and their slip. If they want it, they will pick themself back up and get to a meeting. If they don't they will continue to lie and drink. Their choice.

Remember... you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Take care of you

an congrats on your sobriety!
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Congrats loveaboy!!
Yes, whatever they do its their decision
What you do is whats important

Well I hated when ppl told me that about my exAHbf but thats right, you cannot control what others behave ... your happiness depends only in yourself and well being.

Easier said than done I know!!
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Old 02-22-2009, 10:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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loveaboy-First off, congratulations on your 17 year sobriety.

I am in a relationship with an ABF who is just finishing rehab and like you, have stood by him during his recovery. The road to rehab was a rocky one (we have been together for a year) and I was met with the same kind of hostility whenever I checked up on him especially if he did not come on line or answer his phone. We live in 2 different time zones which made for a lot of stress for me as I worried about his drinking. I'm moving in with him in a couple of weeks and know the challenges that we will face and the fact that both of us are in recovery together.

He once told me how he pushed everyone away he loved and I have been pushed away more times than I can remember but never wavered in my love for him. His D/A counsellor told him to stay away from any relationships for at least a year to work on his recovery - we talked about that but both of us decided to take the chance and walk this road together.

I've been going to Al-Anon since his last relapse and it has helped me a great deal - I am learning to accept - day by day - that his recovery is in his own hands, that I didn't cause his alcoholism, nor can I cure or control it. Believe me, it's hard some days to accept this but it's something I am working on daily. That and educating myself on alcoholism itself and how it affects families and loved ones. It's an ongoing education that is just beginning for me.

I'm sure that his recovery is bringing back some of what you went through with your own recovery which may in a way, help you understand the feelings and emotions he is going through right now. It's still hard though to be pushed away, to feel the hurt and bewilderment and anger at his behavior toward you.

Take care of yourself and your needs first while still staying supportive of his. There can be a cast of thousands there to support him through recovery but it's still a cast of one - him - who is in control of his recovery.
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