Tough Time of Year, Need Help Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Tough Time of Year, Need Help Please
I got sober over three years ago. I have been very active in the steps and have sponsored others during the last few years successfully. My life today is much better than it was before and I have been very successful in mending the relationships with my friends,siblings and Mother. We get along great today and are very social. But the really painful part is that I have not made any headway with my 4 children (ages 24-32) and my ex. Truthfully they are the most important part of my life and I often feel like they are the whole point of my life. I have sent tactful cards and letters periodically, not asked for anything just reassured I love, care about them and i would always be there for them. I have only had a couple of cold responses from them. I tried to broach the subject of amends early on but it is out of the question. I have had the help of two very competent sponsors on these issues.
I was diagnosed with major depression early in sobriety and recently BPD. I have had lots of different meds and truthfully not one of them have been effective, except to help to sleep. I have been seen two psychiatrists for the last couple of years and a therapist.
This winter I didn't even bother to send Christmas cards. I totally feel like totally giving up.
I was diagnosed with major depression early in sobriety and recently BPD. I have had lots of different meds and truthfully not one of them have been effective, except to help to sleep. I have been seen two psychiatrists for the last couple of years and a therapist.
This winter I didn't even bother to send Christmas cards. I totally feel like totally giving up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Dime))) - I don't know what it feels like to have been diagnosed with a "mental disorder" - to me, the words don't do justice. I have friends and relatives who have BPD, and it's no walk in the park. I deal with PTSD, and that's bad enough.
I have a niece, have known her since the day she was born...her mama (my baby stepsister) died when my niece was just over a year old. My dad and stepmom have raised her. I've been an active part of her life when she was young, then dropped out of the picture when I was using, then came back into her life.
She's very self-involved. I think she knows I love her, but is too "busy" with her social life (at 17) to give a damn. It hurts. I didn't get to see her for Christmas, as I was working during the family get-together, and she didn't come home (moved out 6 months ago).
I know it has nothing to do with my addiction. Her dad is an A, in prison, and she asks "if YOU could get it together, why can't HE?!?!" I don't know the answer, other than giving up is not an option.
There are people in my life that I don't know if they'd ever accept an amends. I can't imagine if it were my kids, however I know that as long as we keep living the right way...keep putting that one foot in front of another, there's a chance.
FWIW, I have an uncle who abused heroin for somewhere around 40 years. My other uncle (the baby brother) died, at 50, from complications of HIS abuse..his liver failed. The surviving uncle was finally diagnosed with BPD and put on meds. It took a while, but they got the right combination. For the first time in my life, he's clean (though on methadone), helping my grandmother (93) out financially, and is the uncle I always hoped for.
Don't give up hope. We never know what's going to happen tomorrow...or the next day. I never thought I'd get off crack. I've got almost 4 years. I never thought I'd regain the trust of those I'd hurt, but I have. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't happen. However, we only have one life, and it's up to us to make the best of it. I pray your ex and kids embrace your recovery. I know you've been a great help to me, and I appreciate you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I have a niece, have known her since the day she was born...her mama (my baby stepsister) died when my niece was just over a year old. My dad and stepmom have raised her. I've been an active part of her life when she was young, then dropped out of the picture when I was using, then came back into her life.
She's very self-involved. I think she knows I love her, but is too "busy" with her social life (at 17) to give a damn. It hurts. I didn't get to see her for Christmas, as I was working during the family get-together, and she didn't come home (moved out 6 months ago).
I know it has nothing to do with my addiction. Her dad is an A, in prison, and she asks "if YOU could get it together, why can't HE?!?!" I don't know the answer, other than giving up is not an option.
There are people in my life that I don't know if they'd ever accept an amends. I can't imagine if it were my kids, however I know that as long as we keep living the right way...keep putting that one foot in front of another, there's a chance.
FWIW, I have an uncle who abused heroin for somewhere around 40 years. My other uncle (the baby brother) died, at 50, from complications of HIS abuse..his liver failed. The surviving uncle was finally diagnosed with BPD and put on meds. It took a while, but they got the right combination. For the first time in my life, he's clean (though on methadone), helping my grandmother (93) out financially, and is the uncle I always hoped for.
Don't give up hope. We never know what's going to happen tomorrow...or the next day. I never thought I'd get off crack. I've got almost 4 years. I never thought I'd regain the trust of those I'd hurt, but I have. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't happen. However, we only have one life, and it's up to us to make the best of it. I pray your ex and kids embrace your recovery. I know you've been a great help to me, and I appreciate you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Gramma Donna
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Howell, MI
Posts: 3
Dime, so sorry to hear your story. I am so blessed to have my 4 adult children in my life today. I am not blessed to have been diagnosed with "major depressive disorder not otherwise specified" whatever the f that is supposed to mean. Having a good number of years in recovery this came as quite a blow! Yeah, that was 10 years ago. Now after giving up on the 5th "anti-depressant" in September, I realize that I may have rapid cycling bipolar syndrome! I am not able to see the psychiatrist my doctor reccommended until Jan 12! Not fun, but at least I get time to psych myself out in the meantime. No wonder I was medicating myself for years.
Let's not give up, instead let's see if we can get through this together. Please feel free to send me a message or reply to this post! I can't, WE can.
Let's not give up, instead let's see if we can get through this together. Please feel free to send me a message or reply to this post! I can't, WE can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11
I'm so sorry you are going through such a struggle. There are several things I'd like to encourage you in. (Probably things you have heard before...) When we get sobe we feel better...we feel saddness better, anger better, hurt better. We also can work through these though and feel joy, peace, and self-love better.
I also have sza along with the alcoholism so I speak from expereince. I also understand what it means to miss children. However, we have to do a gratitude list and stay away from self-pity or resentments. No, it's not easy. You sound like you are doing what you need to as far as talking to your sponsor, going to meetings, working the steps, and sharing here.
You will be relieved of this obsession that somehow, some day you will have what you want as a family. It says in the Big Book that we may never get the job, house, kids, wife, etc back. However, we are promised some great promises though. See page 83 & 84 of the Big Book.
I also want to add that you are not doing anything wrong. Atleast that is what hits me when I'm depressed or disappointed. Many people with even more time go through really rough times. The miracle is that we can stay sober and go through this. Remember FEAR can stand for Face Everything And Recover.
One more thing, there isn't anything that a drink won't make worse.
Terri
I also have sza along with the alcoholism so I speak from expereince. I also understand what it means to miss children. However, we have to do a gratitude list and stay away from self-pity or resentments. No, it's not easy. You sound like you are doing what you need to as far as talking to your sponsor, going to meetings, working the steps, and sharing here.
You will be relieved of this obsession that somehow, some day you will have what you want as a family. It says in the Big Book that we may never get the job, house, kids, wife, etc back. However, we are promised some great promises though. See page 83 & 84 of the Big Book.
I also want to add that you are not doing anything wrong. Atleast that is what hits me when I'm depressed or disappointed. Many people with even more time go through really rough times. The miracle is that we can stay sober and go through this. Remember FEAR can stand for Face Everything And Recover.
One more thing, there isn't anything that a drink won't make worse.
Terri
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 144
Dime, from the experience of being there and feeling it, there's one thing that always keeps me going on, and that's the strength in knowing that I've done *the very best* I can do to make things right, even if I didn't get things the way I wanted them. There's always the promise of what can happen next. As Impurrfect said, "giving up is not an option" no matter what.
Especially with BPD (if that's right and conclusive), meditation and relaxation is a godsend. Keep at it.
Keep moving forward. At least you're sleeping. There's always the faith that things will "click" that keeps me in motion.
Especially with BPD (if that's right and conclusive), meditation and relaxation is a godsend. Keep at it.
Keep moving forward. At least you're sleeping. There's always the faith that things will "click" that keeps me in motion.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Dime,
If a BPD diagnosis is recent that might actually be a good thing. Treating BPD is a bit different than treating depression even if the symptoms are often similar. Maybe a new course will prove more effective at bringing your mental health up. I have been taking meds for years, but I count the therapy I was getting specifically for BPD to be much more helpful myself.
It's frustrating when loved ones do not trust us or reconcile with us in the time we want. I'm sure that in AA you probably have heard a hundred times that it'll happen if/when they are ready and you can't control it--doesn't make it not frustrating though.
One thing that I have often struggled with is a kind of impatience. I hate waiting for unpredictable outcomes. I get so stressed out over the possibility of a bad outcome that often I will just force the bad outcome to happen so it'll be over and done with. That kind of sounds like how you're handling your family? You want them in your life, but the stress of the uncertainty makes you just want to shut the door yourself?
If a BPD diagnosis is recent that might actually be a good thing. Treating BPD is a bit different than treating depression even if the symptoms are often similar. Maybe a new course will prove more effective at bringing your mental health up. I have been taking meds for years, but I count the therapy I was getting specifically for BPD to be much more helpful myself.
It's frustrating when loved ones do not trust us or reconcile with us in the time we want. I'm sure that in AA you probably have heard a hundred times that it'll happen if/when they are ready and you can't control it--doesn't make it not frustrating though.
One thing that I have often struggled with is a kind of impatience. I hate waiting for unpredictable outcomes. I get so stressed out over the possibility of a bad outcome that often I will just force the bad outcome to happen so it'll be over and done with. That kind of sounds like how you're handling your family? You want them in your life, but the stress of the uncertainty makes you just want to shut the door yourself?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hello Dime;
I understand in a very personal way.
I went fifteen years without any contact with my kids.
SO I know where youre coming from.
I also know that depression
makes some people obsess on certain things.
ANd a way out of that obsession
is to do something nice for someone else.
Even when one thinks
the effort alone is an insurmountable obstacle.
ESPECIALLY when one thinks
the effort alone is an insurmountable obstacle.
This is a nightmare of a time of year for people like us
because of the American myth of 'family'.
And the first step
out of that hole of self abuse
is realizing it is a 'myth'.
There never was a 'golden age' of family
there never was a 'father knows best' kind of house
that only existed in fiction.
American families have been busted up and messed around
since we got here.
It took my three years in Alcoholics Anonymous
before it was time to make the amends with my kids.
I was literally at work one night
and a feeling came over me
'go online - they're both on facebook- do it now'.
That was the hardest email I ever sent.
But that 'feeling' was RIGHT.
We've been talking and mailing
(and arguing)
ever since.
WHen it's time for you to make that move
you're going to know it.
IT's not going to be a push of guilt
from the people in your group
or a sponsor
or anyone else.
It's just going to be an allover 'knowing'
that it's time to do that.
I hope that helps you in some way
and my best wishes and blessings
for this beginning New Year.
I understand in a very personal way.
I went fifteen years without any contact with my kids.
SO I know where youre coming from.
I also know that depression
makes some people obsess on certain things.
ANd a way out of that obsession
is to do something nice for someone else.
Even when one thinks
the effort alone is an insurmountable obstacle.
ESPECIALLY when one thinks
the effort alone is an insurmountable obstacle.
This is a nightmare of a time of year for people like us
because of the American myth of 'family'.
And the first step
out of that hole of self abuse
is realizing it is a 'myth'.
There never was a 'golden age' of family
there never was a 'father knows best' kind of house
that only existed in fiction.
American families have been busted up and messed around
since we got here.
It took my three years in Alcoholics Anonymous
before it was time to make the amends with my kids.
I was literally at work one night
and a feeling came over me
'go online - they're both on facebook- do it now'.
That was the hardest email I ever sent.
But that 'feeling' was RIGHT.
We've been talking and mailing
(and arguing)
ever since.
WHen it's time for you to make that move
you're going to know it.
IT's not going to be a push of guilt
from the people in your group
or a sponsor
or anyone else.
It's just going to be an allover 'knowing'
that it's time to do that.
I hope that helps you in some way
and my best wishes and blessings
for this beginning New Year.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Dime,
I usually post in Friends & Families of Substance Abusers, but I saw your post under the "New Post" area and wanted to reply. I commend you for working a good program with sponsors and sponsoring others yourself, I imagine it takes dedication.
I would encourage you to send the occasional letters/cards, etc. It isn't for them, it is for you. All you can do is continue to take the next right step in your life. It sounds like you are doing that.
You're in my thoughts this afternoon for a happy start to a new year filled with the love and support you deserve.
I usually post in Friends & Families of Substance Abusers, but I saw your post under the "New Post" area and wanted to reply. I commend you for working a good program with sponsors and sponsoring others yourself, I imagine it takes dedication.
I would encourage you to send the occasional letters/cards, etc. It isn't for them, it is for you. All you can do is continue to take the next right step in your life. It sounds like you are doing that.
You're in my thoughts this afternoon for a happy start to a new year filled with the love and support you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
>>>I was diagnosed with major depression early in sobriety and recently BPD. I have had lots of different meds and truthfully not one of them have been effective, except to help to sleep. I have been seen two psychiatrists for the last couple of years and a therapist.<<<
I'm in my 20th year of sobriety and have dealt with depression since the beginning. Five years ago I had a breakdown and,thanks to a wonderful psychiarist and psycho-pharmacologist, have been pretty good. Until a month ago. I became seriously depressed again and, once again, my doctor added meds.
What I've learned is that getting to meetings and talking to other alcoholics makes everything so much better. I'd much rather isolate but then I have only myself to blame for feeling awful. Because when I go to meetings and talk, I feel just fine.
Push your doctor to try other medications.... finding the right meds can make a huge difference.
Regarding your kids, you're powerless over them. I suggest putting the focus on yourself for a while, feeling better, staying sober.
I'm in my 20th year of sobriety and have dealt with depression since the beginning. Five years ago I had a breakdown and,thanks to a wonderful psychiarist and psycho-pharmacologist, have been pretty good. Until a month ago. I became seriously depressed again and, once again, my doctor added meds.
What I've learned is that getting to meetings and talking to other alcoholics makes everything so much better. I'd much rather isolate but then I have only myself to blame for feeling awful. Because when I go to meetings and talk, I feel just fine.
Push your doctor to try other medications.... finding the right meds can make a huge difference.
Regarding your kids, you're powerless over them. I suggest putting the focus on yourself for a while, feeling better, staying sober.
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