(((Dime))) - I don't know what it feels like to have been diagnosed with a "mental disorder" - to me, the words don't do justice. I have friends and relatives who have BPD, and it's no walk in the park. I deal with PTSD, and that's bad enough.
I have a niece, have known her since the day she was born...her mama (my baby stepsister) died when my niece was just over a year old. My dad and stepmom have raised her. I've been an active part of her life when she was young, then dropped out of the picture when I was using, then came back into her life.
She's very self-involved. I think she knows I love her, but is too "busy" with her social life (at 17) to give a damn. It hurts. I didn't get to see her for Christmas, as I was working during the family get-together, and she didn't come home (moved out 6 months ago).
I know it has nothing to do with my addiction. Her dad is an A, in prison, and she asks "if YOU could get it together, why can't HE?!?!" I don't know the answer, other than giving up is not an option.
There are people in my life that I don't know if they'd ever accept an amends. I can't imagine if it were my kids, however I know that as long as we keep living the right way...keep putting that one foot in front of another, there's a chance.
FWIW, I have an uncle who abused heroin for somewhere around 40 years. My other uncle (the baby brother) died, at 50, from complications of HIS abuse..his liver failed. The surviving uncle was finally diagnosed with BPD and put on meds. It took a while, but they got the right combination. For the first time in my life, he's clean (though on methadone), helping my grandmother (93) out financially, and is the uncle I always hoped for.
Don't give up hope. We never know what's going to happen tomorrow...or the next day. I never thought I'd get off crack. I've got almost 4 years. I never thought I'd regain the trust of those I'd hurt, but I have. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't happen. However, we only have one life, and it's up to us to make the best of it. I pray your ex and kids embrace your recovery. I know you've been a great help to me, and I appreciate you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy