Long-term goals in recovery?
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Long-term goals
Well beside the obvious not drink alcohol ever again goal,
I'd really like to get more involved in my church and get into music again like I used to as a teenager.
I'd like to eventually get a job where I'm doing something I really like. I want more from a job rather than just being good at it.
Mostly my long-term goal is to be the best husband-dad ever and I know taking the steps to being sober is a start (although a very hard start).
Well beside the obvious not drink alcohol ever again goal,
I'd really like to get more involved in my church and get into music again like I used to as a teenager.
I'd like to eventually get a job where I'm doing something I really like. I want more from a job rather than just being good at it.
Mostly my long-term goal is to be the best husband-dad ever and I know taking the steps to being sober is a start (although a very hard start).
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Hey everyone 
I just had a doc appointment with ultrasound and many other things (I work in a major hospital, lucky to have access to all this easily). I did not say it before here but I already know I'm having a boy. I also had a wedding dress trial yesterday -- it's royal blue, long skirt part with a top that leaves my back open. They make it adjustable as I will be ~5 months preg when I wear it.
Of course I can't stop thinking about the potential future of my child. I am a research biologist with an interest in development and early life influences, and my partner is a clinician in the mental health field, similarly interested in early life influences in the psycho-social and also spiritual sense, so this is going to be definitely profound, I think (and hope) I'm also loving the apparently chemical changes in my pregnancy. I have probably never been as calm and relaxed before. And my cognitive processes are also becoming quite different, my focus and interests as well. I am at times anxious about the whole thing, also about the situation that I will be an older mother and the father is even more (he is >10 years relative to me). But I am also the child of older parents (sadly, they will not see their grandkid now) and an only child myself. We'll see
I just had a doc appointment with ultrasound and many other things (I work in a major hospital, lucky to have access to all this easily). I did not say it before here but I already know I'm having a boy. I also had a wedding dress trial yesterday -- it's royal blue, long skirt part with a top that leaves my back open. They make it adjustable as I will be ~5 months preg when I wear it.
Of course I can't stop thinking about the potential future of my child. I am a research biologist with an interest in development and early life influences, and my partner is a clinician in the mental health field, similarly interested in early life influences in the psycho-social and also spiritual sense, so this is going to be definitely profound, I think (and hope)
I'm also loving the apparently chemical changes in my pregnancy. I have probably never been as calm and relaxed before. And my cognitive processes are also becoming quite different, my focus and interests as well. I am at times anxious about the whole thing, also about the situation that I will be an older mother and the father is even more (he is >10 years relative to me). But I am also the child of older parents (sadly, they will not see their grandkid now) and an only child myself. We'll see 
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I've had numerous goals on this journey. Lucky for me I found AA when I was 17 but that didn't spare me from the jails, institutions, and almost dying. After sobering up completing The Twelve Steps was goal number one, then education, career, and life.
Being a 10th grade dropout, getting a GED was next on the list, then getting into college (had to make several adjustments but eventually graduated) career and family.
My wife and me will celebrate our 31 wedding anniversary next week. The scary thing is how fast time has gone by. We waited about 7 years to start a family having fun traveling and getting a financial footing, house, and a little money in the bank.
The great thing about being sober then having kids is the ability to recognize the each minute of the day being with them is a gift and being of sound mind to recognize that. Even better was the opportunity to live it. Our youngest child is in her last year at the university. Our oldest is a teacher out on the west coast, and now it's just me, the wife and the dogs at home. It's been a great ride so far.
My goals include retiring in a few more years and getting back to more traveling. As long as I remain flexible, I see no problems.
Being a 10th grade dropout, getting a GED was next on the list, then getting into college (had to make several adjustments but eventually graduated) career and family.
My wife and me will celebrate our 31 wedding anniversary next week. The scary thing is how fast time has gone by. We waited about 7 years to start a family having fun traveling and getting a financial footing, house, and a little money in the bank.
The great thing about being sober then having kids is the ability to recognize the each minute of the day being with them is a gift and being of sound mind to recognize that. Even better was the opportunity to live it. Our youngest child is in her last year at the university. Our oldest is a teacher out on the west coast, and now it's just me, the wife and the dogs at home. It's been a great ride so far.
My goals include retiring in a few more years and getting back to more traveling. As long as I remain flexible, I see no problems.
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Oh, a little boy!
Aellyce, if you can figure out a way to show us your wedding dressing without doing anything that would make you feel uncomfortable, confidentiality-wise, it would be lovely to see it. If circumstances were different, a "sober ladies of SR" shower in your honor would be lovely. As it is, you'll have our happy wishes and dreams of finger sandwiches and petit fours.
Aellyce, if you can figure out a way to show us your wedding dressing without doing anything that would make you feel uncomfortable, confidentiality-wise, it would be lovely to see it. If circumstances were different, a "sober ladies of SR" shower in your honor would be lovely. As it is, you'll have our happy wishes and dreams of finger sandwiches and petit fours.
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Thanks, Venecia, for that lovely post
I thought to share an article here that I think fits the theme of the thread. It addresses the concept of an "unlived life" that is often quite true for active alcoholics and addicts. It was definitely true for me, and it took me a while to get out of the mindset stably in sobriety. We long for our unrealized potential as drunks, and then often in early sobriety we grieve the longing that is supposed to be left behind -- an uneasy paradox many of us fight with initially, I think.
The Missing Out book by Adam Phillips is interesting although not my favorite on the topic, I read it when I was about 4 months sober. This article is quite insightful though, imo. It fits perfectly with the topic of goals in long-term recovery, I think, in the context of identifying our authentic desires and then making steps to realize them.
In Praise of Missing Out: Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips on the Paradoxical Value of Our Unlived Lives | Brain Pickings
I thought to share an article here that I think fits the theme of the thread. It addresses the concept of an "unlived life" that is often quite true for active alcoholics and addicts. It was definitely true for me, and it took me a while to get out of the mindset stably in sobriety. We long for our unrealized potential as drunks, and then often in early sobriety we grieve the longing that is supposed to be left behind -- an uneasy paradox many of us fight with initially, I think.
The Missing Out book by Adam Phillips is interesting although not my favorite on the topic, I read it when I was about 4 months sober. This article is quite insightful though, imo. It fits perfectly with the topic of goals in long-term recovery, I think, in the context of identifying our authentic desires and then making steps to realize them.
In Praise of Missing Out: Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips on the Paradoxical Value of Our Unlived Lives | Brain Pickings
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Interesting article Aellyce. FOMO (fear of missing out) is exploited by Madison Avenue in our society. We are constantly barraged with images of "what we could or should have or who we might be" only if we .... bought that car, took that pill, used that moisturizer...etc. The unlived life that we devote such mental energy to as a matter of course is exacerbated by the media. I try not to spend much time resenting what I don't have or mourning a life I never lived. It is pointless to do so. Everyone has "unlived lives" simply because we can only be where we are and who we are right now. When I was younger I used to want certain things that could never be...such as the privileges that men have over women. But to rail against what is is an exercise in futility. So I must accept who I am and what I have or don't have. I don't subscribe to FOMO. The human condition is such that we naturally "miss out" but that is OK.
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
Interesting article Aellyce. FOMO (fear of missing out) is exploited by Madison Avenue in our society. We are constantly barraged with images of "what we could or should have or who we might be" only if we .... bought that car, took that pill, used that moisturizer...etc. The unlived life that we devote such mental energy to as a matter of course is exacerbated by the media. I try not to spend much time resenting what I don't have or mourning a life I never lived. It is pointless to do so. Everyone has "unlived lives" simply because we can only be where we are and who we are right now. When I was younger I used to want certain things that could never be...such as the privileges that men have over women. But to rail against what is is an exercise in futility. So I must accept who I am and what I have or don't have. I don't subscribe to FOMO. The human condition is such that we naturally "miss out" but that is OK.
For example, when I read the article and also whenever I think about these kinds of philosophies, it's honestly almost never the materialistic and externally modeled values that come to mind first... much more a wish to pursue what interests me intellectually, emotionally, relationships, how I could use the traits I have to contribute to something that goes beyond myself as well. We can say this goal is basically integration, both as a person and in the larger picture. However, the primary motivation is always inherently self-centered imo, if for nothing else, because it's subjective and comes from the self, from within. And of course for the kinds of desires and goals I tend to have, I can't say they are only (or even mainly) abstract or spiritual, if for nothing else, because those materialistic resources (at least a certain amount of them) are necessary to be able to even begin to think about any kind of more "higher order" realization. But I wrote about this, and how I sometimes struggle with this, earlier on this thread.
Not suggesting that everyone works this way, not at all -- exactly why discussing topics like this is interesting, to see both the similarities and the diversity.
I very much agree on the acceptance part though. I never buy into those world views that propose limitless potential and freedom, sobriety or not. In my mind these are wonderful and often very useful ideals, but there is also the reality with its natural constraints, not only because we are mortal but also because life (and every living organism on Earth) has inherent flaws and limitations: inborn, developmental, situational, and others. For me personally, the best orientation to life is a combination of acceptance and striving, and also acknowledging that at times all this gets chaotic and not easy to comprehend and to sustain. So acceptance if key, of both order and chaos, integration and disintegration, gain and loss, and everything in between. That is reality, in my view.
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Congrats Aellyce on both your marriage and your future bundle of joy! So great to hear such encouraging and wonderful news! You sound excited, engaged (literally & figuratively) and confident - and I think everyone here would agree that you should be. Well done, well done indeed.
Venecia thanks for the shout-out. I think I've toned down from the fire-and-brimstone days of the past
...today I am feeling much more peaceful inside and with my current situation. 
That said, I never have liked excuses. Mainly because I let myself off the hook one too many times. I bought my own lies and excuses, and to hear someone try and rationalize using the same BS that nearly killed always gets me nettled!
In my earlier post, I used the saying "the future never arrives" but perhaps it didn't really get my point across. This quote does:
"The habit of always putting off an experience until you can afford it, or until the time is right, or until you know how to do it is one of the great burglars of joy."
Remember all of those "free beer tomorrow" signs outside of the bars we used to visit? We laughed because we were drunk, but we also got the joke: "tomorrow" means the same thing as "never". I've found that living in the present has allowed actually made my future easier to manage. By not drinking today, I will be able to afford my rent payment tomorrow. By paying my mechanic today, I will have my car back in a few days and drive up for that volcano hike this weekend. By working 9 hours today, I can book that hotel in Guadalajara where I'll be 2 weeks from now. It's true, it's fairly simple, and it happens to work. By simply living the best we can today, our futures naturally become brighter and fall into place. At least in my experience so far.
Congrats again Aellyce and thanks again for sharing such uplifting news!
Venecia thanks for the shout-out. I think I've toned down from the fire-and-brimstone days of the past
...today I am feeling much more peaceful inside and with my current situation. That said, I never have liked excuses. Mainly because I let myself off the hook one too many times. I bought my own lies and excuses, and to hear someone try and rationalize using the same BS that nearly killed always gets me nettled! In my earlier post, I used the saying "the future never arrives" but perhaps it didn't really get my point across. This quote does:
"The habit of always putting off an experience until you can afford it, or until the time is right, or until you know how to do it is one of the great burglars of joy."
Remember all of those "free beer tomorrow" signs outside of the bars we used to visit? We laughed because we were drunk, but we also got the joke: "tomorrow" means the same thing as "never". I've found that living in the present has allowed actually made my future easier to manage. By not drinking today, I will be able to afford my rent payment tomorrow. By paying my mechanic today, I will have my car back in a few days and drive up for that volcano hike this weekend. By working 9 hours today, I can book that hotel in Guadalajara where I'll be 2 weeks from now. It's true, it's fairly simple, and it happens to work. By simply living the best we can today, our futures naturally become brighter and fall into place. At least in my experience so far.
Congrats again Aellyce and thanks again for sharing such uplifting news!
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Thanks guys. I am indeed excited and engaged, literally & figuratively Of course all of it comes with a certain level of anxiety as well (that I am prone to by default also), but the way I am experiencing it is a very strong emphasis and shift to the excitement/involvement side. I guess it also helps that my partner is someone who is good for me and compatible with me in many ways, and that this is mutual. I feel very happy about my choice in this regard. I have known him for years, we were friends before and had a sort of off/on friendship in terms of involvement and action, and I am glad that our relationship has taken this turn not only because I feel it's a highly compatible combo, but also because I had fluctuating thoughts and feelings about him as a romantic partner for years now. I also could not imagine a better choice as the father of my child and to raise a child together. Apparently on his side, this has been quite steady since we met... even during the times when I was totally messed up with drinking, depression, etc, and when I chose to withdraw from him in order to do what I liked best at the time: drinking. I appreciate that but am more than happy those crazy times are behind now.
BigS, I really enjoy reading your perspectives and I agree with you in many ways. I think I got the point about "the future never arrives" also from your earlier post but that quote and your additional thoughts and analogies definitely added to its meaning. It's deeply meaningful for me as well given the mindset that characterized my youth, even periods when I did not have problems with addictions at all and I was doing very well both mentally and in practical reality. I often described my pattern as a student in school with the main purpose of my existence to learn about life in every way I can, to hopefully use that knowledge in a future when I will live life as best as I can. My alcoholism and recovery completely turned over that mindset and I am very happy about this change.
I was wondering a million times in my first sober year, what all that talk about experiencing things in recovery that we had never imagined in life before is... I admit I was a bit cynical about those discussions. Not anymore
Of course all of it comes with a certain level of anxiety as well (that I am prone to by default also), but the way I am experiencing it is a very strong emphasis and shift to the excitement/involvement side. I guess it also helps that my partner is someone who is good for me and compatible with me in many ways, and that this is mutual. I feel very happy about my choice in this regard. I have known him for years, we were friends before and had a sort of off/on friendship in terms of involvement and action, and I am glad that our relationship has taken this turn not only because I feel it's a highly compatible combo, but also because I had fluctuating thoughts and feelings about him as a romantic partner for years now. I also could not imagine a better choice as the father of my child and to raise a child together. Apparently on his side, this has been quite steady since we met... even during the times when I was totally messed up with drinking, depression, etc, and when I chose to withdraw from him in order to do what I liked best at the time: drinking. I appreciate that but am more than happy those crazy times are behind now.BigS, I really enjoy reading your perspectives and I agree with you in many ways. I think I got the point about "the future never arrives" also from your earlier post but that quote and your additional thoughts and analogies definitely added to its meaning. It's deeply meaningful for me as well given the mindset that characterized my youth, even periods when I did not have problems with addictions at all and I was doing very well both mentally and in practical reality. I often described my pattern as a student in school with the main purpose of my existence to learn about life in every way I can, to hopefully use that knowledge in a future when I will live life as best as I can. My alcoholism and recovery completely turned over that mindset and I am very happy about this change.
I was wondering a million times in my first sober year, what all that talk about experiencing things in recovery that we had never imagined in life before is... I admit I was a bit cynical about those discussions. Not anymore
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Hope all is feeling steady for you, Aellyce, as your big day approaches.
I follow Melinda Gates on Facebook and she posted this article a couple days ago. It made me think of you:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/...l#m08g26f20b15
I follow Melinda Gates on Facebook and she posted this article a couple days ago. It made me think of you:
http://www.spiegel.de/international/...l#m08g26f20b15
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Interesting article and interview, Venecia. Thanks for sharing It's no mystery you thought of me reading it, I do identify with the content to a significant extent (but not all). It brings up in the beginning this old issue of "women in science" -- well, to be 100% honest, I personally have never experienced any disadvantage or discrimination in the profession related to my gender. Of course coordinating family life with work is a challenge, and will be for me, but I am not too worried as I have both life experience and what I perceive to be a great support system behind me now Some anxiety yes, but nothing major at this point.
So the "big day" (my wedding day) is tomorrow! I am actually rather calm -- as far as I know and can predict, everything has been (pre-) arranged very well. It'll be a mid-sized ceremony involving friends of both of ours and my partners' family as I don't have a family of origin here. There will be alcohol available at the wedding reception but I am not worried about it. Then we will go on honeymoon at the end of Sept. I am quite happy that I did not do all this (marriage, kid) when I was younger, it feels to me just the right time and context now
It's no mystery you thought of me reading it, I do identify with the content to a significant extent (but not all). It brings up in the beginning this old issue of "women in science" -- well, to be 100% honest, I personally have never experienced any disadvantage or discrimination in the profession related to my gender. Of course coordinating family life with work is a challenge, and will be for me, but I am not too worried as I have both life experience and what I perceive to be a great support system behind me now Some anxiety yes, but nothing major at this point.So the "big day" (my wedding day) is tomorrow! I am actually rather calm -- as far as I know and can predict, everything has been (pre-) arranged very well. It'll be a mid-sized ceremony involving friends of both of ours and my partners' family as I don't have a family of origin here. There will be alcohol available at the wedding reception but I am not worried about it. Then we will go on honeymoon at the end of Sept. I am quite happy that I did not do all this (marriage, kid) when I was younger, it feels to me just the right time and context now
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Thanks, Dee -- I also hope it'll be. Will write about it from the backwards instrospective view later
I also want to elaborate on all this more (I really have nothing else to do tonight but think and sleep, before tomorrow). Venecia and a few other longer-term members here on SR -- I think you really get me right. I would have never acknowledged this when much younger, that others can see me so well, and that we can understand each-other so effectively and truthfully as sober human beings. I have no hint of doubt about it now. And it's so liberating
So, specifically, some thoughts and feelings that came up off and on during my past >1.5 year sober involvement in SR, and which matches the things I know about myself and learned in sobriety about my strengths. I came up with this just now and am sharing mostly to show that we can live with a focus set on positive and constructive, while at the same time never forgetting the things in the "undertow". Latter (the "undertow") is a reference to some discussions on RobbyRobot's threads before his passing. I still miss Robby so much and often I kinda "hear his voice" in my mind when I am contemplating things or am having dilemmas. R.I.P. Robby and reach any highs you may, if that is how things go out there...
Anyhow, the positive thoughts I just had about myself and my life:
Intuition and knowledge, sensitivity and insight, aesthetic appreciation and intellectual endowments. Maybe a bit overlooked or misunderstood in many psychological descriptions; not a good fit with the stereotype of either the academic/scientific person or an artist. More synthetic in thinking, pulling things together and seeking out new ways of looking at things. More likely to utilize imaginations than the analytic, systematic parts of the mind, but both are present. Particularly aware of -and on the lookout for- the beauty in a mathematical formula, for example. Beauty is one of the indications of truth, because the order which beauty represents is a confirmation of the objective rightness of an idea. Intuitions..., they lead to uncovering areas of knowledge where conscious thoughts have not yet ventured. The result is a propensity to "tinker" with familiar forms until they become something almost unrecognizable as this can lead to startling innovations, intellectual and emotional insights.
I know this most likely sounds boastful, but I have not felt so deeply myself, so aligned with myself, for many years now. And while of course we never know, but for some reason I feel this is not a fleeting feeling or another obsession.
Thanks again, friends. Will be back in a few days
I also want to elaborate on all this more (I really have nothing else to do tonight but think and sleep, before tomorrow). Venecia and a few other longer-term members here on SR -- I think you really get me right. I would have never acknowledged this when much younger, that others can see me so well, and that we can understand each-other so effectively and truthfully as sober human beings. I have no hint of doubt about it now. And it's so liberating
So, specifically, some thoughts and feelings that came up off and on during my past >1.5 year sober involvement in SR, and which matches the things I know about myself and learned in sobriety about my strengths. I came up with this just now and am sharing mostly to show that we can live with a focus set on positive and constructive, while at the same time never forgetting the things in the "undertow". Latter (the "undertow") is a reference to some discussions on RobbyRobot's threads before his passing. I still miss Robby so much and often I kinda "hear his voice" in my mind when I am contemplating things or am having dilemmas. R.I.P. Robby and reach any highs you may, if that is how things go out there...
Anyhow, the positive thoughts I just had about myself and my life:
Intuition and knowledge, sensitivity and insight, aesthetic appreciation and intellectual endowments. Maybe a bit overlooked or misunderstood in many psychological descriptions; not a good fit with the stereotype of either the academic/scientific person or an artist. More synthetic in thinking, pulling things together and seeking out new ways of looking at things. More likely to utilize imaginations than the analytic, systematic parts of the mind, but both are present. Particularly aware of -and on the lookout for- the beauty in a mathematical formula, for example. Beauty is one of the indications of truth, because the order which beauty represents is a confirmation of the objective rightness of an idea. Intuitions..., they lead to uncovering areas of knowledge where conscious thoughts have not yet ventured. The result is a propensity to "tinker" with familiar forms until they become something almost unrecognizable as this can lead to startling innovations, intellectual and emotional insights.
I know this most likely sounds boastful, but I have not felt so deeply myself, so aligned with myself, for many years now. And while of course we never know, but for some reason I feel this is not a fleeting feeling or another obsession.
Thanks again, friends. Will be back in a few days
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Aellyce, you sound positively radiant and at peace these days - it is beautiful and inspiring. Hope your day was everything and more than you ever imagined. Cannot wait to read all about it!
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That's wonderful news Aellyce, very happy for you!!
I'm finding it pretty ironic that in my earlier post I specifically mentioned the priority of wife/kids and stated that it was not yet a priority for me as yet.
But to build on the theme of the thread it's fair to say priorities are always changing, they never stay constant, they are always balanced alongside whatever else is going on in life, at the moment I am focusing on other things but naturally all of those things would take a back seat to a family.
Our journey is ever evolving, always changing, that's where we can always find hope and motivation in life, the fact we have the power to change our course every day, within that reality we can keep moving forward!!
Fantastic thread Aellyce!!
I'm finding it pretty ironic that in my earlier post I specifically mentioned the priority of wife/kids and stated that it was not yet a priority for me as yet.
But to build on the theme of the thread it's fair to say priorities are always changing, they never stay constant, they are always balanced alongside whatever else is going on in life, at the moment I am focusing on other things but naturally all of those things would take a back seat to a family.
Our journey is ever evolving, always changing, that's where we can always find hope and motivation in life, the fact we have the power to change our course every day, within that reality we can keep moving forward!!
Fantastic thread Aellyce!!
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