Long-term goals in recovery?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by Aellyce 
Hi everyone,
Similarly, do you have fears, insecurities, doubts etc about short- and long-term future?
Similarly, do you have fears, insecurities, doubts etc about short- and long-term future?
One of the ways that I haven't done very well in life is sticking with things. My sobriety is probably the first long-term commitment that I've stuck to for 13 months now. I still take it day by day, one day at a time. However, I am confident that I'm never going to drink alcohol again. Maybe I'm one of the "lucky" ones who was told by a doctor to stop or die. My "get out of jail free" cards were used up. I can honestly say that I'm glad they are gone.
I genuinely want sobriety more than I want to drink. I NEVER thought I would say that and mean it. Sounds so simple but it seems to be working thus far.
What I'm trying to do is just focus on success in other parts of my life to be a happy and fulfilled person.
I also take great pleasure in watching others who don't drink and observing how they seem totally fine and content in their lives and they don't even need a crutch. I am learning to live like them and again, it is working pretty well.
I think sobriety can be one of the simplest things we do. I check in here every day to connect with others but I try to keep simple, one day at a time. I used to role my eyes (when I was still drinking) and people would talk about an awakening or spiritual shift but I feel like that happened to me. I don't even want to drink anymore and until that changes I don't really worry about the future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers
I think sobriety can be one of the simplest things we do. I check in here every day to connect with others but I try to keep simple, one day at a time.
Like 12 step programs... settle the bases first, there is a reason behind the order.
Another example (I used and cite this concept in my life often): build "Maslow's pyramid" (google if not familiar) from bottom towards top, or at least make sure the essential elements in the lower dimensions are not missing, overly shaky, or incompatible with ourselves. About this, it's often discussed that the levels and components of the pyramid do not necessarily have to be built in an exact order, and in fact many people don't experience it in that order or it varies throughout our lives. But one way or another, in order to make the construct stable and really functional on a certain level, the lower needs need to be met. I am talking about this, because this has been a very characteristic pattern and source of problems in my life: being extremely interested in the "higher" goals and focusing on those, but neglecting and sometimes abusing my more basic needs.
For me, this has been one of my most valuable lessons also that I only started to truly appreciate in sobriety and in the last couple years of my life: that good self-work for me must be a holistic exercise, and often what needs the most work is not what I most desire to work on in a specific phase. For example, I never really had to be taught about self-actualization. It's something I feel I am most naturally wired for, somehow it's built in me either biologically or by early life influences (I think it's both), the drive was part of my earliest memories somehow and only ever faded at my worst times during my drinking (not even then fully). I was never one who would look weird at someone telling me about their spiritual quest, interest in answering the big questions of the Universe or about what it means to be human... not even as a young kid, adolescent, drunk, or whatever. But I would get easily bored when it comes to talking about self-preservation needs, security, and so on. And not surprisingly, I can easily lose my grip on these more elementary needs subjectively feeling that they are less interesting to me. So this has been an important part of trying to expand and change how I deal with things and life in general in sobriety. Learn and practice a more bottom-up strategy, which is of course a challenge because it goes against my default thinking and motivations. But I think it's essential if I want to preserve the ability to focus on what excites me the most -- I need the holes in the foundations filled and cemented more. And need to keep this in mind each time I think about bigger dreams and goals. I feel it's going quite well though now but I can always use a reminder, either from myself (looking at that pyramid, for example) or externally.
I am sure I'm not alone with this pattern here though, it's quite typical for a certain kind of cognitive style and personality, I think.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes the mental peace definitely. I feel I am just starting to really understand (in an experiential way) the great differences between genuine peace of mind and repression/suppression/alteration of emotions using psychological defenses or self-medication. The differences between premature and mature. Long way to go for me, but one I will appreciate I think. I can totally imagine how the dynamic of all this might change with sustained sobriety as some comments also pointed out (it already has for me as well quite a bit), but I believe it's also related to normal aging processes and the accumulation of life experience.
In the Big Book Bill Wilson points out that drinking is but a symptom of a much bigger problem: the "ism" in alcoholism. I've heard it put different ways, the most blunt being "change or die" and "the person who walks in these rooms will drink again". I know that's true for me (but don't claim to speak for anyone else). What woke me up was having the worst, most painful, relationship of my life after a dozen years of sobriety. I saw that I picked a very screwed up guy who caused me a lot of pain, stayed with him longer than I care to admit publically, lol. If I didn't leave I would have drank or destroyed myself in other ways.
I'm an addict (alcohol was my drug of choice) and instinctively I can pick any number of substances to do myself in. Food, spending money, video games, a bad relationship. In order to avoid doing that -- and have peace of mind -- I had to do a lot of hard work to change my insides.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I am 3+ years sober at this time.
I think a lot of us are programmed from an early age to think about "where we want to be 5, 10, 20 years from now". In fact, it's almost a standard interview question for new employees, and college student applications. It's been drilled into our heads with advertisements for years that we must have some kind of "nest egg" in the form of an IRA or 401K and if we are not paying for this NOW then we are setting ourselves up for utter failure. And let's not even get started on children and their college funds, parents are poked and prodded as soon as a child is born to start shoveling money hand over fist to investors.
Here's the funny thing: the future never arrives. In fact, it doesn't even exist. It's just a random thought, arising in the present....it never actually gets here. We humans are constantly trying to create and solve problems, and when we don't have enough on our current plate, we start to solve issues that may arise for us down the road.
I think that goals are important, so long as they are fluid. Picture your goals like a river: develop a plan that ensures you will go in the right direction. But don't be afraid to let the water flow into quiet pools along the banks for a while, or rush over rapids, or to let yourself be carried down a shallow fork. There are no rules, just make sure you are enjoying the ride as you go. That's real life. Because remember, the future will never arrive.
I think a lot of us are programmed from an early age to think about "where we want to be 5, 10, 20 years from now". In fact, it's almost a standard interview question for new employees, and college student applications. It's been drilled into our heads with advertisements for years that we must have some kind of "nest egg" in the form of an IRA or 401K and if we are not paying for this NOW then we are setting ourselves up for utter failure. And let's not even get started on children and their college funds, parents are poked and prodded as soon as a child is born to start shoveling money hand over fist to investors.
Here's the funny thing: the future never arrives. In fact, it doesn't even exist. It's just a random thought, arising in the present....it never actually gets here. We humans are constantly trying to create and solve problems, and when we don't have enough on our current plate, we start to solve issues that may arise for us down the road.
I think that goals are important, so long as they are fluid. Picture your goals like a river: develop a plan that ensures you will go in the right direction. But don't be afraid to let the water flow into quiet pools along the banks for a while, or rush over rapids, or to let yourself be carried down a shallow fork. There are no rules, just make sure you are enjoying the ride as you go. That's real life. Because remember, the future will never arrive.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I live in the deep south not far from the Gulf. I am one of many who has weathered hurricanes seasonally. Some are worse than others as we all know. Regardless of where you live, storms is a fact of life.
At 14 months I sort of feel like I have after a major storm. The wind stops blowing, the HOT sun penetrates the darkness and clean up must begin.
I start by being grateful I've survived it. I then start by picking up the major debris lying around. Maybe need to repair my shelter - roof, foundation etc. Trees down all over, perhaps water damage.
This process takes awhile - My drinking was a category 5 the last few years. More like several storms stacked on top of each other.
Simply, my plan today is be present for my wife and young(ish) adult children. Loving those around me and doing what I can to make them smile as I rebuild what the storm wrecked. It takes time. Much of the pain has not even surfaced for them I suspect............The wind has stopped, but it's time to rebuild.
Those are my plans - along with traveling to the Caribbean basin and catch bone fish!!!!
Thanks for the thread
At 14 months I sort of feel like I have after a major storm. The wind stops blowing, the HOT sun penetrates the darkness and clean up must begin.
I start by being grateful I've survived it. I then start by picking up the major debris lying around. Maybe need to repair my shelter - roof, foundation etc. Trees down all over, perhaps water damage.
This process takes awhile - My drinking was a category 5 the last few years. More like several storms stacked on top of each other.
Simply, my plan today is be present for my wife and young(ish) adult children. Loving those around me and doing what I can to make them smile as I rebuild what the storm wrecked. It takes time. Much of the pain has not even surfaced for them I suspect............The wind has stopped, but it's time to rebuild.
Those are my plans - along with traveling to the Caribbean basin and catch bone fish!!!!
Thanks for the thread
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Eugene Oregon
Posts: 306
At 3 months in (96 days) I'm feeling better, looking better, my memory is starting to improve, but I'm feeling very empty. I understand that when you have an addiction your life centers around that and mine certainly did. Now I really want change in my life--but I'm not sure what I really want that's actually doable. I know a lot of people really get into religion when they stop--I'm an atheist. I've battled depression and won-- do not feel depressed at all but have no reason to be happy...I've tried to work up interest in things but so far--nothing. I know I'm still recovering but there just has to be more than this. At least when I drank it was easy to be delusional and fool myself into thinking my life was cool, even though it did so much damage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
It's interesting to read others' perspectives and how they relate to our own lives.
When I joined SR, I was two months sober, but struggling with doing it alone. Big Sombrero's posts were among the first I read and they were thoughtful passages that helped me understand the challenge we share even as our stories differ. So a big thank you to Big S -- I don't know if you realize what an impact you had on me.
And to Big S's point, it's true that I wasn't living. I was existing. Your new life in a new country sounds truly transformational. It always sounds interesting and I remember at one point, Big S, you mentioned thoughts of opening a sober B and B there. I'd be interested in a visit -- I've enjoyed traveling solo but I also know that there aren't a lot of lodgings for folks like us. Keep us posted.
I'll depart, though, some from the thoughts you expressed. This goes more to what Flynbuy -- another sharp tack among many here on SR! -- wrote about clean-up. I've probably got some years on some of the posters here and hadn't really been paying attention to what comes with life after work -- and whether I'd be secure. So those matters are real life for me.
Recently, I met with a retirement advisor to make sure that the retirement savings I'd accrued were sufficient. Frankly, in alcoholism, I'd neglected some basics such as rollovers. It's my good fortune that this hasn't impacted me too negatively but if I'd taken better care of biz with my 403(b) and pensions, I'd be probably be able to retire one or two years earlier than what is now likely.
This isn't happening until at least another three presidential terms come and go. But taking care of the long-term needs is essential and it's something we aren't all that good at because it was so much more important to get to the store after work. Well, for me, anyway.
Cleanup.
When I joined SR, I was two months sober, but struggling with doing it alone. Big Sombrero's posts were among the first I read and they were thoughtful passages that helped me understand the challenge we share even as our stories differ. So a big thank you to Big S -- I don't know if you realize what an impact you had on me.
And to Big S's point, it's true that I wasn't living. I was existing. Your new life in a new country sounds truly transformational. It always sounds interesting and I remember at one point, Big S, you mentioned thoughts of opening a sober B and B there. I'd be interested in a visit -- I've enjoyed traveling solo but I also know that there aren't a lot of lodgings for folks like us. Keep us posted.
I'll depart, though, some from the thoughts you expressed. This goes more to what Flynbuy -- another sharp tack among many here on SR! -- wrote about clean-up. I've probably got some years on some of the posters here and hadn't really been paying attention to what comes with life after work -- and whether I'd be secure. So those matters are real life for me.
Recently, I met with a retirement advisor to make sure that the retirement savings I'd accrued were sufficient. Frankly, in alcoholism, I'd neglected some basics such as rollovers. It's my good fortune that this hasn't impacted me too negatively but if I'd taken better care of biz with my 403(b) and pensions, I'd be probably be able to retire one or two years earlier than what is now likely.
This isn't happening until at least another three presidential terms come and go. But taking care of the long-term needs is essential and it's something we aren't all that good at because it was so much more important to get to the store after work. Well, for me, anyway.
Cleanup.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by soberwolf
This is a very long term goal but i would like to live in a little fishing village off the coast off portugal
I visited there once, staying in Salema. I'd love to say my memories are all fabulous but I came down with a dreadful case of food poisoning there! When I visit you and Mrs. Wolf -- with all six seasons of "Lost" in hand, of course -- I may subsist on crackers and Fanta.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Casper, WY
Posts: 287
Regarding the thread and not just making references to cartoons (I'm more of a Pinky, anyway)...
Presently, I'm in an aftercare program that I'll be finishing up sometime next year, probably mid-summer. I'll be returning to work sometime in Novermber/January, and I've effectively come to point where I'm now out of Wyoming, putting together a solid, balanced recovery plan, and willing to be true to myself to heal the things which compelled me to alter my reality through alcohol.
My first goal is to find a job that fits me, rather than simply fulfills financial obligation and/or program requirements. I have a history of taking opportunities because they look good, ignoring the fact that they aren't necessarily for me. That habit was exacerbated by active addiction, but it predates it by a number of years. This time, regardless of where it leads me or what the circumstances, I'm determined to find a job which I can feel good about doing, rather than just padding my bottom line.
Second, after finishing this program, I'm returning to school. I have 70+ hours of a Political Science degree completed, and I wish to clear up my debt with the University of Wyoming to free up my transcript, and get back on track to get my first baccalaureate degree from UW. I spent nine years in Laramie, worked for the UW for three years, and both my parents have their degrees from UW. Its a family tradition that I wish to continue.
I also have a goal of studying abroad. I love different cultures and peoples, and in the United States, there are numerous opportunities to spend time abroad beyond tourism. Possibly during the Poli-Sci, or after, I hope to spend at least two semesters out of North America. Russia strikes me as insanely pertinent and interesting. I have Japanese heritage, so that's also on my short list. I will also be looking for opportunities to study in the Middle East, in someplace like Jordan or Turkey. The Balkans also interest me greatly.
Eventually, I hope to go into some sort of advocacy for the mental health/substance abuse/homeless population in the United States. Right now, law school is on my radar. It'd been suggested for a number of years that I pursue a legal degree, and as I look at what will give me the best chance to represent those who, for whatever reason, need competent and empathetic people on their side, knowing the legal side of things seems to suit my personality and desire to serve. My philanthropic side went away during my addiction. I'm glad it has come back out now.
All that happens to be down the road a fair stretch, so I keep them from being set in stone. The next 13 months or so will determine what I'm up to in terms of education and career for the next few years, so that's where I keep my head most times.
Presently, I'm in an aftercare program that I'll be finishing up sometime next year, probably mid-summer. I'll be returning to work sometime in Novermber/January, and I've effectively come to point where I'm now out of Wyoming, putting together a solid, balanced recovery plan, and willing to be true to myself to heal the things which compelled me to alter my reality through alcohol.
My first goal is to find a job that fits me, rather than simply fulfills financial obligation and/or program requirements. I have a history of taking opportunities because they look good, ignoring the fact that they aren't necessarily for me. That habit was exacerbated by active addiction, but it predates it by a number of years. This time, regardless of where it leads me or what the circumstances, I'm determined to find a job which I can feel good about doing, rather than just padding my bottom line.
Second, after finishing this program, I'm returning to school. I have 70+ hours of a Political Science degree completed, and I wish to clear up my debt with the University of Wyoming to free up my transcript, and get back on track to get my first baccalaureate degree from UW. I spent nine years in Laramie, worked for the UW for three years, and both my parents have their degrees from UW. Its a family tradition that I wish to continue.
I also have a goal of studying abroad. I love different cultures and peoples, and in the United States, there are numerous opportunities to spend time abroad beyond tourism. Possibly during the Poli-Sci, or after, I hope to spend at least two semesters out of North America. Russia strikes me as insanely pertinent and interesting. I have Japanese heritage, so that's also on my short list. I will also be looking for opportunities to study in the Middle East, in someplace like Jordan or Turkey. The Balkans also interest me greatly.
Eventually, I hope to go into some sort of advocacy for the mental health/substance abuse/homeless population in the United States. Right now, law school is on my radar. It'd been suggested for a number of years that I pursue a legal degree, and as I look at what will give me the best chance to represent those who, for whatever reason, need competent and empathetic people on their side, knowing the legal side of things seems to suit my personality and desire to serve. My philanthropic side went away during my addiction. I'm glad it has come back out now.
All that happens to be down the road a fair stretch, so I keep them from being set in stone. The next 13 months or so will determine what I'm up to in terms of education and career for the next few years, so that's where I keep my head most times.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I am 3+ years sober at this time.
I think a lot of us are programmed from an early age to think about "where we want to be 5, 10, 20 years from now". In fact, it's almost a standard interview question for new employees, and college student applications. It's been drilled into our heads with advertisements for years that we must have some kind of "nest egg" in the form of an IRA or 401K and if we are not paying for this NOW then we are setting ourselves up for utter failure. And let's not even get started on children and their college funds, parents are poked and prodded as soon as a child is born to start shoveling money hand over fist to investors.
Here's the funny thing: the future never arrives. In fact, it doesn't even exist. It's just a random thought, arising in the present....it never actually gets here. We humans are constantly trying to create and solve problems, and when we don't have enough on our current plate, we start to solve issues that may arise for us down the road.
I think that goals are important, so long as they are fluid. Picture your goals like a river: develop a plan that ensures you will go in the right direction. But don't be afraid to let the water flow into quiet pools along the banks for a while, or rush over rapids, or to let yourself be carried down a shallow fork. There are no rules, just make sure you are enjoying the ride as you go. That's real life. Because remember, the future will never arrive.
I think a lot of us are programmed from an early age to think about "where we want to be 5, 10, 20 years from now". In fact, it's almost a standard interview question for new employees, and college student applications. It's been drilled into our heads with advertisements for years that we must have some kind of "nest egg" in the form of an IRA or 401K and if we are not paying for this NOW then we are setting ourselves up for utter failure. And let's not even get started on children and their college funds, parents are poked and prodded as soon as a child is born to start shoveling money hand over fist to investors.
Here's the funny thing: the future never arrives. In fact, it doesn't even exist. It's just a random thought, arising in the present....it never actually gets here. We humans are constantly trying to create and solve problems, and when we don't have enough on our current plate, we start to solve issues that may arise for us down the road.
I think that goals are important, so long as they are fluid. Picture your goals like a river: develop a plan that ensures you will go in the right direction. But don't be afraid to let the water flow into quiet pools along the banks for a while, or rush over rapids, or to let yourself be carried down a shallow fork. There are no rules, just make sure you are enjoying the ride as you go. That's real life. Because remember, the future will never arrive.
. I've heard it said that if our goals dont scare us just a little bit they are not big enough. I suppose that could hold true if your goal is to run a marathon and you never have and it scares you a little ? but even then what does it matter?
I dont think I have any long term goals nor do I really want any to be honest. If I had to say I have any goal at this moment it is the fact that I've found myself on this path just following it and going with the flow. I'm enjoying the ride and I hope I can continue to follow this path and enjoy the ride and go with the flow as I'm finding everything I was looking for etc...
But I suppose a dream of mine is to one day own my own farm off the beaten path. If it happens or not who knows But i know either way if i stay on this path that i'm on I'll be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,945
I have ten days had four years before. First I'd like to grow more in my faith. Second I'd like to lose thirty pounds it was 35 but I lost five pounds in ten days working out and eating healthy. I'm on disability for schizophrenia but eventually I'd like to work part time. I want peace of mind joy and a sense of purpose before I go blabbing on thats what I want and thats what drinking did for me before it turned on me when I was 19 years old now I'm 36. I mean I get a good disibility check cause I made 70000$ a year for a while so it's so had making less then a third of that. Very achievable goals then I'll work on bigger ones.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Only coming across this thread now!!
Priorities change in Sobriety, I can see that now in hindsight, in the beginning I couldn't string a few days or a week of not drinking together, so that was then the priority, figuring out how to do that and making it happen, it was like a puzzle, figure out how all the pieces fit together and do it day after day.
Once I had that foundation, I kept repeating it but after a while it stopped becoming something I had to think about, reaching for my teapot when I get home from work or bypassing the beer stall at an ice hockey game, it all became autopilot, my new natural Sober routine.
I therefore then began to focus my newfound energy on other things, I remember replying to a thread started by yourself Aellyce on occupation and didn't have much ambition in that area at the time, but that has changed since, sure I still don't think it's the most important defining thing in my life still, but in Sobriety I now want to be the best I can be, and go as far as I can go in a professional context.
My other goals at the moment include savings goals for various things, being financially secure should the worst happen, this kind of forward planning never happened in my drinking days, I also have exercise and diet goals for an overall healthier lifestyle, finally when it comes to people developing some key longterm friendships in Sobriety is also something I want to achieve, in real life most of my friends were simply drinking buddies.
When it comes to marriage/kids it's something I don't have on my list just yet, I still live on my own, in my own place, and for the most part am content with that, maybe that's something that will change or fall into place down the line.
I have no doubt though that as these things once again become routine and part of my lifestyle, I'll shift the goalposts once again and strive for more new things, and soo my life will evolve more and more.
Having a life that I can look back on in 20, 30, 40 years time that I can be proud of and say, "I did alright", that's my overall goal.
I shared this quote before on SR, but I think about it now and again:
"Hell is when the person you became gets to meet the person you could've been"
I never want to get to the end of my life and think I allowed alcohol to restrict my potential!!
Priorities change in Sobriety, I can see that now in hindsight, in the beginning I couldn't string a few days or a week of not drinking together, so that was then the priority, figuring out how to do that and making it happen, it was like a puzzle, figure out how all the pieces fit together and do it day after day.
Once I had that foundation, I kept repeating it but after a while it stopped becoming something I had to think about, reaching for my teapot when I get home from work or bypassing the beer stall at an ice hockey game, it all became autopilot, my new natural Sober routine.
I therefore then began to focus my newfound energy on other things, I remember replying to a thread started by yourself Aellyce on occupation and didn't have much ambition in that area at the time, but that has changed since, sure I still don't think it's the most important defining thing in my life still, but in Sobriety I now want to be the best I can be, and go as far as I can go in a professional context.
My other goals at the moment include savings goals for various things, being financially secure should the worst happen, this kind of forward planning never happened in my drinking days, I also have exercise and diet goals for an overall healthier lifestyle, finally when it comes to people developing some key longterm friendships in Sobriety is also something I want to achieve, in real life most of my friends were simply drinking buddies.
When it comes to marriage/kids it's something I don't have on my list just yet, I still live on my own, in my own place, and for the most part am content with that, maybe that's something that will change or fall into place down the line.
I have no doubt though that as these things once again become routine and part of my lifestyle, I'll shift the goalposts once again and strive for more new things, and soo my life will evolve more and more.
Having a life that I can look back on in 20, 30, 40 years time that I can be proud of and say, "I did alright", that's my overall goal.
I shared this quote before on SR, but I think about it now and again:
"Hell is when the person you became gets to meet the person you could've been"
I never want to get to the end of my life and think I allowed alcohol to restrict my potential!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
So many wonderful shares. Thanks everyone, so much. Okay, I will reveal why I asked the question in the first place, why the need to plan long term for me.
I am a little over 4 months pregnant. Our wedding is in three weeks from now. Yes it's a sobriety story And I plan to start new school in mid-Sept. So, naturally I am a little anxious. Not too much though, I am very happy in general
I am a little over 4 months pregnant. Our wedding is in three weeks from now. Yes it's a sobriety story
And I plan to start new school in mid-Sept. So, naturally I am a little anxious. Not too much though, I am very happy in general 
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by Aellyce
So many wonderful shares. Thanks everyone, so much. Okay, I will reveal why I asked the question in the first place, why the need to plan long term for me.
I am a little over 4 months pregnant. Our wedding is in three weeks from now. Yes it's a sobriety story And I plan to start new school in mid-Sept. So, naturally I am a little anxious. Not too much though, I am very happy in general
I am a little over 4 months pregnant. Our wedding is in three weeks from now. Yes it's a sobriety story
And I plan to start new school in mid-Sept. So, naturally I am a little anxious. Not too much though, I am very happy in general :-) As the mom myself (of a teen), I can tell you that your next long-term goal will be to get a full night's sleep. Lol!
Delfin
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