Spacegoat

I thought as much! Congratulations. I think you will make an interesting mother.

(Ps, it's a gir- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_VcTJwGZcw - methinks )

Verte

Aellyce, may you have super exciting adventures! And I agree, sleep is a fantastic long term goal. Thanks for sharing your great surprise!! Hope you are doing well in body and mind these days.

ArtFriend

Congratulations Aellyce.

SoberLeigh

Aellyce!!!! What beautiful news!!!! Congratulations.

fini

wow.
speak about long-term!!

congratulations, Aellyce.

IWalkTheLine

Id like my own website, maybe a shop aswell selling stuff, my dad was a market trader in London so I grew up buying and selling, because of my drinking and convictions ive always had to work hard manual jobs when I wasnt up to no good, this has done me back in over the years. It would also mean more time at home so I could have a couple of dogs. I do a bit at the minute, but still find it easier working for someone else right now, also finding stuff to sell is harder these days. But because I love the dealing it would be like a hobby aswell so wouldn't mind putting in the overtime!

Failing that I like the photography and tai chi ideas.

Aellyce

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. Haha fini, yeah I do have a reason to think long-term now I've been reluctant to share this news as I am sometimes a bit concerned about anonymity (and now about my soon-to-be husband's), but it would be weird to hold such a big event back after all I've already shared here on SR about myself. So yeah, I definitely can't say I have not made changes in my life in sobriety, and as you can see there is more coming Putting it in the context of long-term goals, having a child was definitely not something I ever considered before a couple years ago (vaguely) and then more seriously about a year ago. So it wasn't a life-long wish, but not something spontaneous or accidental either. My partner is also someone I have known for years (our relationship had many phases and did not start out romantic) and he saw me at some of my worst as a drinker as well. But I'm definitely learning and experiencing aspects of myself that I had been unaware of before I got sober, in this whole context. I guess all this may sound quite surprising and a bit weird for those who remember me talking about my past issues with commitment here, but these changes and decisions have been in the works for a good while, now I know quite long already before I became conscious of them (like relapses tend to, okay bad analogy). There was a while when I had mixed feelings about venturing into something so new relative to my lifestyle so far and to many aspects of my personality (or so I thought) just a bit over a year sober, but at the same time I really believe in making our dreams a reality by acting on them rather than putting them on hold and waiting for some kind of magic to happen (often driven by anxiety for me) -- this is how I have lived my life in my good periods, and how I intend to live the rest of it as well.

PK really hit the nail on the head with this, exactly my sentiment as well:

But back to the goals and how each of us is thinking about them. I firmly believe there is no one right or wrong strategy about this, whether someone benefits from long-term strategical planning or does better living in the moment mainly and going with the flow. I don't think they are mutually exclusive either. As I said earlier, I definitely benefit from planning and goal-directed actions when it comes to practical aspects of life and these things come naturally for me, but I think I like just as much keeping my mind and options open to the unknown and momentarily unforeseen possibilities. Of course starting a family will limit certain forms of adventurous explorations, but I feel I have really done my share of all that before this point of my life, and of course it will not limit my curiosity about exploring the potentials of life -- quite the opposite, imo.

Again, I have enjoyed the various posts and views on this thread -- to me, the shares reflect just what I mentioned above: the diversity in how we are, our individual desires, what works best for us, and how we tend to deal with our life sober. Thanks again, everyone!

Venecia

OK. I'll admit it. That sound you heard last night ... the one that seemed to come from 1,200 miles away and sounded like someone saying "What?!"

It was me.



I do hope we can keep this thread going. My selfish reason is that having just passed the two-year mark, I think a lot about what I want the rest of my life to look like. I get a lot out of others' reflections on the topic, too.

Again, congrats, dearest Aellyce.

Spacegoat

I just wanna say something, I read this post before and I disagree. Hell to me is never having the security, stability and inner peace to become the person you could've been. Because that is not an event, it's an entire life.

The only good thing about being in hell for me is that at least I am very familiar with the terrain. Read my posts and threads if your want to know what hell is probably like in the past present and future tense

thomas11

That's a good question and I think you'll receive all kinds of different answers. My goals are basically the obvious ones: health, sharp mind, self confidence etc...
But there is one goal that might be a little different than most and that is I want to prove to those who doubted I could ever achieve it. Primarily my family, they didn't think I had a chance in hell I could not drink. now that it has been about 3 months, instead of congratulating me, they kind of pretend they never had those doubts because they don't like to admit they were wrong. My family is kind of messed up that way, especially my mother. I don't think I've ever heard her admit she was wrong in my entire life. And its caused problems, most recently with my wife.

Dee74

I wish you all the very best Aellyce - congratulations

I'm sorry that all I seem to offer you is disagreement Strat but...man...

I spent 40 years letting other people dictate to me the kind of person I was and the kind of life I deserved - the things they said the things they did, and the things they thought fed into me as a malleable young child and shaped (or mishaped) me.

But it really doesn't need to be that way Strat. Honestly.

You, me, everyone - we can be whoever you want to be - but we need to let go of whatever is chaining us to the past - whether it's fear, anger, resentment, bad parenting or what.

You can't move forward if you're holding on to all that.

I waited years for an apology than never came...turns out I didn't need it to move on and become who I always should have been.

D

Spacegoat

My family are in denial about my sobriety! Because it just does not suit their narrative one bit, what excuse could they use to scapegoat, victim-blame and steal from me otherwise???

I have no family consequently. You guys are my family! Wether you like it or not, it is true. Congrats on 3 months Jeff.

Edit- Dee man, I am totally fine with disagreements as long as they are not blatant lies, manipulation, gaslighting, couched terms etc (I'm talking about my said life).

I'm not waiting for any apologies dude but I am extremely damaged and hurt from said life once again. I don't walk around showing people that, I've gone to extreme efforts to hide the fact.

But it is a fact, that cannot be denied. More specifically I can longer deny it to myself. I need help in real life man, genuine help and lot of it. I don't have any expectations from it.

I can't just skip over a lifetime of pretty constant and intense forms of abuse, I did for a long time until it became apparent that wasn't working out.

People expect me to be like my family I feel. I'm not man, people know this. But I am a product of that upbringing, how could I not be.

I'm not crazy man. And I'm not drunk. I'm not recalcitrant. But i need some compassion man, seriously. And help just I achieving my sincere objectives, nothing more than that.

This has been a sad day overall for me, I'm pretty tearful at the moment. Not scared, not angry, just so ******* sad and worthless and pointless man.

NestWasEmpty

Oh That's Wonderful News Aellyce !! Your journey into a New & Better life , then in turn bring New little life into the World ** Congrats ** !! I wish you the Best of Luck now & the future

Dee74

Sorry if I made it worse Strat. I really believe you deserve a lot better. Hope you find it

D

Spacegoat

Not at all man, I'm just having a pretty low day here. Certainly not the worst day I've ever had, and certainly not the best.

My response is a bit scrappy because I was editing against the clock and ran out of time. I appreciate your comments a lot.

I really hope the MHP will treat me as a genuine person this time around. I am sober, and I'm not suicidally fixated for a start.

I am just simply not equipped to deal with life without either alcohol or help any longer, I am trying to recover now from my past.


I've always been trying to recover from my past. Not drinking is the starting point, but I have every problem I had before I gave up.

And then some. My family dynamic thing is so complex and I needed help with it a long time ago but I still do. I am not the terminator.

Anyway we are kinda going OT here in Aellyces thread but thank's for the responses. You got the help man, you didn't just run away...


Aellyce I meant to say it earlier that I think you will make a wonderful mother, wife, friend and confidant. I'm happy for you

Aellyce

More thanks, everyone

Venecia
Also, if you find this thread interesting, please feel free to bump it later if you want. I think I can safely predict that I won't be able to spend as much time here in the future as I have in the past many months but I would also have long-term interest in the topic.

Strat, no problem at all having any sort of discussion on this thread. I did not mean it to be primarily about myself at all and I am more interested in reading others' thoughts about the topic. Speaking of which, I appreciate your feelings and I think I get what you are saying, but I don't think we should, or could, get into some sort of competition about what constitutes a bigger hell for everyone Like the topic of goals and future plans, suffering is also a very personal experience for each of us, and I don't think it's valid to say some of us knows it better or more deeply, simply based on descriptions on an objective medium (i.e. these posts here). For example, I would never claim to know from subjective, first hand experience what sort of "hell" a highly abusive family environment (past or/and present) leads to, or living in ways where others determine what I should/could do -- simply because I have not had these experiences. All I can do is use my knowledge and empathy to try to imagine, and extrapolate from vaguely similar features that I did encounter in some form. Also, different people can experience the same kind of challenge in very different ways as a sum of our personalities and life contexts. It's also far from just being about our pasts, environment, and life experience -- these things interact closely with our individual biological makeup and other things. What I mean is that experiences and environmental exposures that seem quite similar on the surface, sometimes affect people in ways that are quite different in outcome and long-term manifestation, the actual affected person being the variable in the construct. So speaking of what sort of help we each need and can work with effectively, this is why the most generally accepted trend in mental health nowadays is also individualized treatment, which is of course always a great challenge on both the receiver's and the giver's end. One thing I would agree with though, Strat, is your notion that you would likely need lots of (different kinds of) help to get to a truly different place. I think Dee and others here on SR probably see the same, why we keep encouraging you to make the necessary steps. But we have discussed that many times on other threads.

Now trying to synthesize something from the different components that have come up here: I am of a mind that we do not need to throw away or leave behind our past (no matter how hellish it may seem) in order to become well-integrated, fulfilled individuals. I actually think that attempting to cut off parts of ourselves (our pasts are definitely parts of us in a developmental perspective) can do more harm than good, similarly to the idea of dissociation when it comes to specific elements. For me, it's more about having a reasonable understanding of who we are and what makes us tick (and here the integration of our past can be very helpful imo, at least for some people), how all these things together define us in the present, and what we can do with the whole construct in ways that constructively aligns with our desires and goals, be it small daily things or bigger projects. But perhaps this (holistic) thinking reflects my own style and way of doing things mainly and like most things regarding personal growth, this is also a highly individual process, including the thoughts and feelings about it. Why I started this thread, out of curiosity

Spacegoat

Who are you kidding Aellyce, you won't be on here at all! Certainly not as often, though there are naps but you may need them yourself! Hard work the first few years are I can tell you. I know this because I did it all. At my place. We were blessed in a sense that the kid slept all night every night. he never cried except for the tiniest bit if hungry (but we had a time schedule). I had no experience of any of this but she had, but I took to it immediately and intuitively somehow.

I was depressed then but half-managing it, certainly it wasn't because of the baby he was a joy then and still is. Man, he was funny growing up actually. He's not as spontaneous now, a little more serious and perhaps introverted I've noticed which concerns me a little. Wether its just around me I don't know but I doubt it. He has been through a lot unnecessarily. All those years growing up he wanted nothing more than the three of us to be together, he used to try and force us together at times. On foot of that I was willing to make concessions for his sake and no other reason. I waited a long time for her to give me an honest answer, literally years just for that - which I never got until things became crystal clear in other ways. I offered her an open relationship even at times when we were sleeping together, and again to suit the kid not me. I used to say to her she doesn't realize how blessed we were to have him and that should be a priority for bother of us (i.e. a working relationship of some sort that was honest).

Little did I know then that she just wanted to hold all the cards, and was thoroughly enjoying manipulating me to that end. Well, he still wants us to be together actually but I'm sure he accepts now that isn't the case (amazingly I am not so sure that she does lol, talk about 2 turntables and a microphone). He said it the other day even 'I wish you were the king, her was the queen and we lived in a big palace together'… I said well, whats wrong with the place you do live in, I suppose you would like a butler as well? He said yeah… I said, I am your butler doofus, can you wipe your own ass yet?? 'well of course'. I said, well, you used to make me wipe your ass even when you could do it yourself. Up until you were nearly 5!!! Whatever that was about. On that note and seeing as it's an open type of thread, did ye see all this???

Spacegoat

Now to respond in kind I guess, pretty tired here. Hey, I never said I disagree with yourself or Purpleknight or anyone else. What I was trying to say was that I read that quote before elsewhere one time and thought about it for a bit. And came to my own little conclusion, my personal spin on it was that 'hell' for me in a similar sense is not ever being allowed initially to become who you are, let alone who you could have been. Or ever supported to that end after the fact and quite the opposite (my family history) to the point where you end up totally F'd up/or a F' up, depending on which perspective you wanna look at that- mine own or someone else's. Anyway that's all, no big. I don't claim any special place in hell. That was a rocking tune by the prodigy btw, don't you think? Groundbreaking album at the time, here is my other favorite off it- https://youtu.be/_T3O6XXb9Sk.

Here's a story: when I was 11 or 12 I was a big Nirvana fan, right. I had all their albums somehow, certainly they weren't bought for me. I had a couple of t-shirts too, probably I got some money to buy a t-shirt of my parents. But my best friend, he had a load of older brothers who were traveling all over so they had loads of different music and stuff. They gave us that album right, man it was great. I knew then very much that I enjoyed that music a lot. I had always been drawn to it when I was younger in the UK walking about, I would hear it on the airwaves or wafting in the air somewhere but just didn't know what it was. I didn't know how much I would come to love it eventually but

Another bit- the same kid said this to me when we were 12, I dunno what the catalyst was I prolly got a slap off my father or something which he was privvy to (it was something like that). He told me this- that my father was just jealous of me. Now, I didn't think much of it at the time but I thought about it many times again over the years and came to the conclusion that he was probably right. Although I didn't know why, or how that could be even, you know. Also eventually over more years I came to the conclusion that he couldn't have simply known that at that age, could he? I mean he must have overheard it somewhere. Not necessarily his parents, maybe his older siblings or something, I don't know. I used to be in that house quite a bit, it was relaxed. Thats all hey, interesting tidbit. See, from the age of reason even I have literally never stopped thinking about my parents and what it is exactly that was all wrong about them, I'm just saying (tbc)

courage2

Congratulations, Aellyce!

Crysalis

I have wanted all my life to study for a phd.

My mother always wanted this for me and believed in me. After my mother died I used the little money she gave me to do my MA (I am currently finishing my dissertation as we speak).

I applied for a fully funded phd this year and I was accepted, once my MA is finished I will begin in October.

I am excited to move to a quiet seaside town with my partner. To be near campus and have alternatives to drinking such as yoga and other exercises - to make myself healthier and fitter.

To eventually ride a bike without falling over!

To make time for my burgeoning spirituality and myself.

To enjoy my academic life and to graduate as a doctor.

I am terribly afraid of being isolated, more than I am now. Of having to start start afresh with therapy or counseling. I am afraid my boyfriend will be unemployed and a financial burden again. I am afraid that I wont be able to cope without drinking, that my family won't be able to cope without me (my father and siblings). I am afraid I will become too anxious to do my best work academically, or that somehow I will drink and it will ruin my new life.

I am seven days sober.