Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XII: "Rubik's Moo"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Ah, thanks Ardy!
So far, I has to say, sobriety treating me better than alcoholism, but still treat me like a brown-holstein step cow. I was little bit afraid when I give up caffeine/booze, that I maybe slip back into eating disorder or other addiction. But so far, I only has go back to constantly picking at fingernails. It gonna have to stop, but right now, is better than alternatives.
Throughout my life, addiction always make a lateral move. It very tricksy. Is like Whack a Mole! I like the Little Dutch Cow and his leaky water barrel. I plug one eating disorder but --oh no!-- then cutting spring out. Sometime I think disordered brains just desperately need to discharge they disordered energies in a disordered way. Damn. That a lot of disorder.
Order in this cow! I will has order in this cow!
So far, I has to say, sobriety treating me better than alcoholism, but still treat me like a brown-holstein step cow. I was little bit afraid when I give up caffeine/booze, that I maybe slip back into eating disorder or other addiction. But so far, I only has go back to constantly picking at fingernails. It gonna have to stop, but right now, is better than alternatives.
Throughout my life, addiction always make a lateral move. It very tricksy. Is like Whack a Mole! I like the Little Dutch Cow and his leaky water barrel. I plug one eating disorder but --oh no!-- then cutting spring out. Sometime I think disordered brains just desperately need to discharge they disordered energies in a disordered way. Damn. That a lot of disorder.
Order in this cow! I will has order in this cow!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 49
Kris, I think insomnia is not at all uncommon for those with alcohol issues. Cow mentioned previously that so many of these "disorders" often all go together. I've always struggled with insomnia as well. I can GO to sleep, it's the stay asleep part that is tough. Have you tried any supplements? I find switching btwn 5htp, melatonin, and tryptophan to be helpful, as well as holy basil. (Not to be confused with the regular un holy basil. 
) Always have a large glass of "night time tea" by my bed. I feel for you -- lack of sleep stinks.
Cow, I think you are dead on with the lateral move thing. Not saying everyone does that, but it does seem a natural tendency. Being the daughter of a psychiatrist, I know many addicts/compulsives just switch them out. I know of one man who quit everything but wound up a street pole licker. I'd say you're doing beautifully!
Yellow
) Always have a large glass of "night time tea" by my bed. I feel for you -- lack of sleep stinks. Cow, I think you are dead on with the lateral move thing. Not saying everyone does that, but it does seem a natural tendency. Being the daughter of a psychiatrist, I know many addicts/compulsives just switch them out. I know of one man who quit everything but wound up a street pole licker. I'd say you're doing beautifully!
Yellow
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Cow hugs hugs hugs my disorder of order I am hugger... hahhahha
when my oldest son became a diabetic we were fighting his illness and my problems.. reined them in with cook books.. the more reading I did on his health and habits for life helped me a bunch.. but then ... no one can harm you as bad as you can harm yourself.... have that in cross stitch in my bathroom... read it every day... love kiddo so much love and prayers from this old lady clown....
when my oldest son became a diabetic we were fighting his illness and my problems.. reined them in with cook books.. the more reading I did on his health and habits for life helped me a bunch.. but then ... no one can harm you as bad as you can harm yourself.... have that in cross stitch in my bathroom... read it every day... love kiddo so much love and prayers from this old lady clown....
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
I used to drink to help with getting sleep too. Then found myself waking up regularly between 1 AM and 3 AM. When I was drinking heavily I could never get back to sleep after waking. Now that I'm not, I still wake then but go right back to sleep.
I quit caffeine years ago, decades. I quit because of sleep problems. I found even if I drank a small amount and only in the morning, it still made it very hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. I had to go to zero caffeine to get regular sleep. I know not everyone is like that with caffeine but if you have trouble with sleep the first thing to try is getting off the caffeine for two weeks. And of course the alcohol.
I quit caffeine years ago, decades. I quit because of sleep problems. I found even if I drank a small amount and only in the morning, it still made it very hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. I had to go to zero caffeine to get regular sleep. I know not everyone is like that with caffeine but if you have trouble with sleep the first thing to try is getting off the caffeine for two weeks. And of course the alcohol.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
The concept of addictions making a lateral move makes a lot of sense because the need to change the way we feel doesn't just go away because we stopped using a particular substance. The question is why so many people pick the destructive options to bring about that change.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Thanks Cow, Yellow and Walk.
I'm a physiologic insomniac and have tried most everything and the reason why I relapsed over and over. Although I still don't sleep, I pray that my days of drinking are finally over. now I can develop my research full time into finding the answer to sleep. Oh, yippee. LOL. I actually go days without any sleep and then crash for 3-4 hours and start the cycle over again. Walk, I now only drink coffee in the morning but maybe it's time to give up another old friend. These disorders are certainly linked. I mean I get "Separation disorder" when I can't see you all on SR! LOL.
I'm a physiologic insomniac and have tried most everything and the reason why I relapsed over and over. Although I still don't sleep, I pray that my days of drinking are finally over. now I can develop my research full time into finding the answer to sleep. Oh, yippee. LOL. I actually go days without any sleep and then crash for 3-4 hours and start the cycle over again. Walk, I now only drink coffee in the morning but maybe it's time to give up another old friend. These disorders are certainly linked. I mean I get "Separation disorder" when I can't see you all on SR! LOL.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Ugh, yes. When I drink I wake up at 2,3,4 AM and can't sleep. Back in my younger days it was the opposite - so drunk I'd sleep like the dead and stumble into work between 9-10 AM. Makes me realize how my alcoholism has progressed.....
I'm proud of you cow. And really, to get down to brass tacks, proud of everyone here
I'm proud of you cow. And really, to get down to brass tacks, proud of everyone here
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne 
The concept of addictions making a lateral move makes a lot of sense because the need to change the way we feel doesn't just go away because we stopped using a particular substance. The question is why so many people pick the destructive options to bring about that change.
the destructive ones seem to all involve a quick reaching for substance/behaviour, whereas the constructive ones seem to all involve work. lots of work, and slow pace. with long-term positive results
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
No Sleepies, that just my "I so Goddamn cute you cannot help but love me" photo.
And how is everybody today? I has movie night tonight, with my brother and his girlfriend. I always bring movie and tonight I bringing "The Crash Reel" --a highly rated documentary about snowboarder coming back from acute brain damage. I like these kind of documentary, cuz I also have brain damage. There is BBC series call "Me and My New Brain" about people who go on after "traumatic brain injury". I wish to watch that to.
These kind of stories is of interest to me, cuz I total short out brain, nervous system and heart with my near fatal meth OD. My poor brain never be the same, but in watching some of these shows, I can be grateful that I still can speak and move and aspire to better life. But then also, there is shame that I waste perfectly good brain on addiction for entire adult life. But, you know, I was surviving, yes?
And how is everybody today? I has movie night tonight, with my brother and his girlfriend. I always bring movie and tonight I bringing "The Crash Reel" --a highly rated documentary about snowboarder coming back from acute brain damage. I like these kind of documentary, cuz I also have brain damage. There is BBC series call "Me and My New Brain" about people who go on after "traumatic brain injury". I wish to watch that to.
These kind of stories is of interest to me, cuz I total short out brain, nervous system and heart with my near fatal meth OD. My poor brain never be the same, but in watching some of these shows, I can be grateful that I still can speak and move and aspire to better life. But then also, there is shame that I waste perfectly good brain on addiction for entire adult life. But, you know, I was surviving, yes?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Those sound like really good films and documentaries. I love information about the brain too! As mine is a bit different as well. Absolutely on survival. Sometimes I guess it's whatever gets you through. The choices are pretty limited if you haven't been shown any better.
I like the flower, you wear it well.
I have been having a last days kind of week with diet. Eating a few splurges before I cut some things out. Movie night at home with boyfriend. Maybe Pan's Labyrinth, he hasn't seen it.
I like the flower, you wear it well.
I have been having a last days kind of week with diet. Eating a few splurges before I cut some things out. Movie night at home with boyfriend. Maybe Pan's Labyrinth, he hasn't seen it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
What you've got left brain-wise seems to be working out pretty well
mootable and amoosing, all at once. . .
Kudos on cutting coffee and booze Cow--this is a big step forward
Enjoy moo-vie night--this is the brother you are fond of, I take it?
mootable and amoosing, all at once. . .
Kudos on cutting coffee and booze Cow--this is a big step forward
Enjoy moo-vie night--this is the brother you are fond of, I take it?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yes, little brother is brother I love. But maybe just cuz I work so hard to protects him. To be clear, older brother I kind of love. He dead inside now, but at one time, I has memory where, in grade school, I get hit by car on my bike. I flip up onto hood and fall back into street. People rush up to me but I just get up, and go to class. I carry my bike cuz it destroyed. I lock it up as if it was normal day.
Teacher come up to me in class: Um, you is bloody, WTF? I say, oh, yes, well I was hit by car on way here. (Cuz, in my world, you take care of you self and you not ever ask for help.) So teacher say, you going to office right now and we calling you momma.
I go to office and they call my momma and get older brother out of class to come be with me. Momma take us home and ... she yell at me cuz my bike was ruin. At some point my older brother shout "She hurt! Stop yelling at her!" Is one of only few memory I have of childhood. You did NO challenge my mother when she have her rage disorder. I will always love my older brother for this, even though he total dead inside now and not even can care for his own children, which break my heart.
Teacher come up to me in class: Um, you is bloody, WTF? I say, oh, yes, well I was hit by car on way here. (Cuz, in my world, you take care of you self and you not ever ask for help.) So teacher say, you going to office right now and we calling you momma.
I go to office and they call my momma and get older brother out of class to come be with me. Momma take us home and ... she yell at me cuz my bike was ruin. At some point my older brother shout "She hurt! Stop yelling at her!" Is one of only few memory I have of childhood. You did NO challenge my mother when she have her rage disorder. I will always love my older brother for this, even though he total dead inside now and not even can care for his own children, which break my heart.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 283
Ooh. Thanks for the doc. tip Cow. I just saw a pretty good one too called, "All This Mayhem". It is about two skateboarding brothers that get addicted to drugs and well mayhem ensues. Wonder why we are attracted to these kinda films? But I liked it.
I need more to watch. Day 1 of chemo was a little rough. Nauseous and very tired but Day 2 I fought back the sucker. Keeping on top of my meds helps. I'm not going down easy. "PFFFFt cancer" says my cat with her bushy tail!
Puffy
I need more to watch. Day 1 of chemo was a little rough. Nauseous and very tired but Day 2 I fought back the sucker. Keeping on top of my meds helps. I'm not going down easy. "PFFFFt cancer" says my cat with her bushy tail!
Puffy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
I will watch all I can about the brain. I also took a class called the Addicted Brain and have signed up for a couple of others. I am determined to heal myself. Cow, you are amazing. I agree with Hawkeyes sentiments and good insight.
Puffy, sending good thoughts and WELL wishes your way.
May we all be healed in whatever may be afflicting us.
Puffy, sending good thoughts and WELL wishes your way.
May we all be healed in whatever may be afflicting us.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Thanks 4S. Good to see you!
How everybody doing today? I got little bit over stimulated from my anti-depressant supplements last couple days and start getting uncomfortable manic. I was feeling, like, elations and delusion of granduer type feelings, but not in a good way. Had to not take for few days which make for a tearful Sad Cow crash, but am feeling better. Have to titrate that stuff very carefully, what with my tricksy delicate Southern belle of a brain.
How everybody doing today? I got little bit over stimulated from my anti-depressant supplements last couple days and start getting uncomfortable manic. I was feeling, like, elations and delusion of granduer type feelings, but not in a good way. Had to not take for few days which make for a tearful Sad Cow crash, but am feeling better. Have to titrate that stuff very carefully, what with my tricksy delicate Southern belle of a brain.
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