Cow

Hello Chuckleheads, is Cow! I been away for while, writing for new project which going very well. Also try to focus on working with new therapist which has been bumpy ride of resistance and negotiation, cuz, you know, Cow not one to just surrender to her methods. She say “trust me” but is not something I hand over easily. You has to earn my trust. That no easy feat, but she chipping away. I definitely likes her and respects her, so that nice hurdles to be over, cuz that no easy feat either. Some of her method seem like madness to me, but I still try with some of them. Was many episodes of insanity and drink over last month or so. Was also what she claims was some successes. Okay, maybe little bit here and there, but I has more stringent definition of what I gonna call success.

As of today, first day of the 15th year of 3rd Millennium in this 21st Century, I sober from the booze (but just by skin of teeth). I still struggle with the caffeine and chocolates (but Jesus God, holidays was like everybody shoving Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory in you face every freaking day.) I still suffers from the severe anhedonia and depressions, but did have some “better days” during times when I manage whole week from substance, so is maybe slivers and spinters of hope for me out there.

Right now, in addition to fully get off all substances, here what I working on:
1. Get my ass to Agnostics AA meeting this Sunday. Put out that I want sponsor.
2. Figure out what MY rules is for my life. (This come about from long discussion with therapist about how I go from having very abusive parents that destroys my security and confidence and maturation process, then to living in total vacuum oblivion of addiction for decades. And then, while I does good work to unravel early negative messages about being worthless and not deserving and a burden and such, I forget to make new messages and directives that I wish to live by.)

So that a bit about what up for me. How everybody else going? I miss you and think of you and always wishing you well.

PS. No even think of “Happy New Yearing!” me, okay? I still not even remember what happy feel like so this kind of excessive salutation only make me forlorn. Maybe just says: “Slightly Less Crappy New Year Cow!”

Dee74

welcome to the moo year Cow
D

Dee74

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Gilmer

OK. Slightly less crappy new year! Good to see you back!

neferkamichael

MooBabie, it's a pleasure too hear your wit again. Now that I have a history of sobriety perhaps some of the negativity is beginning to fade, but for the life of me I can't make new directives and messages that I wish to live by either. You figure out how please post it, rootin for ya.

anattaboy

Nice Entrance Cow!

trachemys

Sounds like progress. Welcome back.

courage2

It's good to see you, Cow! You sound like you're making an effort, which is better than sitting around drooling any day.

My news: I've had a series of vicarious thrills courtesy of my son who is now in India, I'm trying to decide whether or not to take the new medication my psychiatrist is prescribing, I did something evil to my spine but have thus far rejected the temptations of painkillers and bourbon, I traveled to the desert to get snowed on, and I'm being uncharacteristically nice to other people. Oh, & I got dumped by my sponsor.

As for rules to live by, having learned more than once that I'm a poor deluded fool, I'm content to wish you luck in your search.

dwtbd

Hey Jersey-girl , New Year
New projects sound awesome. I'm doing well with kicking the substances to the curb, but this idea of creating new better directives and messages sounds like something to look into. I'm too emotionally lazy and narcissistic to do my own work, so can I copy yours?

fini

good to see you, Cow
a sponsor, eh?
from what i hear most of them come with suggestions. package-deal

what's new? have just spent about three hours mostly crying with my youngest (35).
i thought we were basically okay, but seems okay isn't good enough and she wants "awesome relationship" and "fabulous".
right.
i told her i can't do awesome. that i'm okay with us being okay.
she says that's saying i'm not willing to work at it. i say waddayamean, we've been doing this for two hours now and i'm working hard just staying with it...ja, she says, but you're not engaged! not engaged? trying to hear you, trying to understand, trying to help you hear me, double-checking so that i didn't misunderstand and you think i'm not engaged?!? what would it look like if i were "working and engaged"? how would you recognize it?
"you'd be brainstorming with me on solutions!"

i'm not clear yet on what the "problem" is, never mind solutions!

nono, not happy new year start..
last year was better already.

when i still thought okay was pretty good. before i knew about awesome.

Cow

Nobody more lazy than Cow, dw, NOBODY! Personal, I think sloth is total under-rated.

But yes, is very, very challenging to create for oneself directives and messages that should has been instill and develop and evolved during youth and young adulthood. Is like make something from nothing. I not has anything much to start. Not really even thing like moral, values, ambition, beliefs, 5-year plan, or what my favorite color. I single, childless, nihilist, atheist, minimalist who think human race need to get off Earth, for Christ's sake! Of course, one could argue, is that really me? Cuz all that stuff has theme congruent with lifetime of living experience of anhedonia, detachment, void, vacuum and oblivion. Is very tricksy.

Now, how we gonna get to directives that will motivate and propel me toward a life I maybe want, but not even know I want or what it is yet. Who the hell know?! I sure doesn't. But therapist think she can help. So while I skeptical, I got nothing, so I giving her the ball on this one.

Hi fini. That bummer. Thank gods I never have the childrens. I can barely deals with when my hummingbirds has squabbles.

Della1968

I have to tell you I just joined but lurked for years and I have read everyone of your threads in full. You have quite a way about you. As for the therapist I think we all need to let someone take the ball at times. At least that way we can't drop it. Take care and I hope you have a not so crappy 2015. That's all I am hoping for myself.

Cow

I love when lurker emerge! Welcome Della. Thank you for kind words (and incredible stamina to have made through all my postings.) I hope like friendly Romulan, you stay uncloaked and join in our often extraneous, usually tedious, but somewhat fecund conversations.

Lenina

Hello, dear Cow! so good to see you!

My life wobbles along, I'm good with that. some clinkers recently. visiting my sibs now. Always stirs up homicidal dust from old graves. vampire feelings, stuff you think has been dealt with and buried, but no. I need a stake or silver bullet for some of this stuff.

Have a crazy January on schedule. first half of February is already challenging and I have struggles in Februarys anyways.

good to see you and you sound positive. in a good way.

love from Lenina

JanieJ

Cow, you're so entertaining ! Love your posts

I too had "one of those" childhoods and don't have a clue who I am.

Maybe we will both find out this year, huh ?

Hope your counsellor is equipped to deal with Cow ! x

Olive1

Hi Cow!

Spacegoat

x2. I know its true as I see how my own children are raised with love. I think i got to the root of my own problem. Yet, I don't know what it means or how to rectify that. Nobody ever tells me anything. I'm supposed to be able to just figure it all about by myself, and to put it right. It aint that easy what about doubts! I tried to approach the situation with my mother i a calm and positive manner, that is only made things 100 times worse. I think she is evil. She wants to punish me for that. She has never been a responsible person in her life, always wanted to be somewhere else, never was a caring mother basically just did the chores. I have tried to understand things from her perspective as its clearly pathological at this stage, its hard though when Im one of her victims at the same time. I am the most affected as I was the first/ most unwanted child. Thats what I think! Anyways, to cut a long story short - FML.

Hi Moo I enjoy your writings lol

BernieE

Another lurker poking her head out from the corner. Glad to see you back, cow. And a Shoutout to all the faithful posters here. These threads are amazing!

kittycat3

Hi cow, I am sober by the skin of my teeth too (day 4 for me today.) I am doing better than I was last time I wrote to you, but not much.... I am still feeling like a scared little kitty cat this January 2.

Are you making any new years resolutions? I am starting with a list of things I am saying goodbye to in 2015. I filled up almost an entire 8 x 11 page. Now I'm going to burn it....

xo happy less crappy 2015!

Cow

Oh hello everybody! So good to see familiar and new faces.

Little Kittycat, good for you! Yes, burn it down! Burn it all down! ...safely, I mean, with proper protective goggles and such.

SteveE, my momma dead and my pappa sociopath, so none of work with therapist is gonna be to engage with them. I had try to engage with my papa long before and was disaster that only make worse for me. So, never again. I just avoids him as much as possible, but is polite enough to stay in the will.

JJ, I think is more that I has to create who I am, rather than uncover who I am, cuz I think girl/youth/adult I "could and should has been" is gone, never get chance to exist. That huge source of grief for me because, if I may, I had lot of potential that with love and encouragements, I could has had wonderful life with many accomplishment. Instead I has painful wasted life.

Lenina, how dares you! I not positive! That crazy talking! Let just say, I have experience couple sliver and slices of time that was not miserable. Maybe even was mood neutral. NEUTRAL. Let's no get crazy throwing around word like positive, okay?