walkbeformakrun

I suspect that what DD meant was that just bc Cow drank caffeine today, does not mean Cow then should feel wine is now an unavoidable next step today.

DoubleDragons

Thanks, Walk. That is what I meant.

silentrun

I think you have come along way Cow. As far as using caffeine today call it a lesson. Try and retrace and figure out what happened. Have a plan in place for when it happens again. I used into my recovery. What happened? For a brief second I just said Asterisk This and did it. I think Cesar Milan calls this the Red Zone. Too bad no one there to poke me in the neck but I recovered anyway. Give yourself some credit for not using wine to come down and then don't let it happen again.

Cow

Snarkbunny, all you need is bare light bulb and pair of pliers and Cow confess to anything. Of course you right. Caffeine lit up brain like "OMG! WE ALIVE!" and already brain want more, even though nerves is like tiny electric shocks from earlier caffeine.

SilentR, yes, I total go Red Zone and need Cesar to throw me on ground until I deactivate.

VikingGF

Hi, Cow-
One of the most vivid posts here on SR, which will never be erased from my mind is one where you woke up to clean up your bathroom after, shall we say, a bad night? You have made wonderful strides- it is so great to see you here- find the strength to knock out the caffeine. It just can't be worth the risk.

Best-

Lisa.

RobbyRobot

Forget about it. Early addiction ambivalence can be an up and down struggle as you process thru it. Don't consider you've betrayed your own trust. Your best efforts are working nonetheless. Does it have to be perfect at this stage in the early process? Only you can give that answer. It can be a sobering thing when we find out our initial best somehow isn't always enough - this is exactly why addiction is such a damn bitch.

Move on. Be kind to yourself. Review and examine how things went sideways. If you discover a way to do better for yourself, do it. Otherwise keep going. You'll learn as you go. Keep your eye on the prize - freedom from being a slave to your addictions.

Take it easy, Cow

Gilmer

Good morning, Cow! Hope your day today is good and smattered with pleasant things.

Hawkeye13

Don't you live close to Cesar?

Give him a call. . . "when good Cows go bad" [cue music]

Hawkeye13

I get it--I really do

The smell of a fine single malt scotch still has me salivating from across a table,
and I want to snatch that fine heavy crystal glass and curl up in the corner
snuffing like Gollum over his Precious. . . .

Triggers are triggers
So response this time has to be strong and not typical.

One thing that always seems to help you is your massage therapist.
An emergency session?

[PS. I first typed "the smell of a fine single male has me salivating"
you guys think this is a Freud thingy or simple dyslexic moment?]

Gilmer

We'll just think of it as dyslexic!

trachemys

Dyxlesics Untie!

courage2

Untie what? This is getting interesting.

I've found from hard experience that it's not good for me right now to think about thinking about how much I want my DOC, or a substitute drug, or any other escape from sobriety. The off switch isn't gone, it's just loose, so I'm nailing it down with a spike and sealing it with yards of duct tape.

Gilmer

That's good, Courage. Sometimes I find I just have to bitch-slap myself.

soberlicious

hahahaaaaaaa

DoubleDragons

For every thought I have of a glass of red wine, I make myself think of a horrifying, shameful thing I did drunk. I have a readily accessible written list, if I need a reminder. That usually takes the romantic element right out of the wine thought.

dwtbd

Yeah I should have checked the warranty on that switch from first use, it didnt work. A few decades, ouch, later I started really having problems with the other setting. Apparantly the on position wasnt meant for use either. Built a stout closet around that terminal and hung a big No Entry sign on it. Some little basterd was bugging me for the key, I refused his pathetic whining. Its been a year and haven't heard from the pest in a while, good riddance.

lol! sturdy, not stout, slippage?

Yellow1111

Cow, I understand the caffeine thing. While it doesn't drive me to the Malbec, my brain is just wired differently and it makes me NutZ. I'm really struggling too. I'm ok with green tea. But I'm traveling, saw a Starbucks in the airport, and green tea was not what I ordered. While still flying high feeling I'd just gotten away with crime of century, I left my venti X1000 in the potted plant before boarding! Got on the plane devastated and agitated, but apparently caffeine gods were watching and performed intervention. :/. You're doing beautifully.
(I'd much rather talk about this than cannibalism...)

Yellow1111

I didn't see that particular post. Must have been a long time ago...Yes, that's indeed the kind of thing that makes you question the payoff. I had something better to say, but I'm entirely jet lagged and uncaffeinated, nothing terribly bright coming to mind. Just huge progress, for sure!

Cow

Hawk, I DID go to massage lady, and does other strong interventions I not usual do, like go to friend house, but still I falter.

Yellow, that kind of stuff has happen to me lot of time. I get to store and realize I have forgot purse, or they out of all favorite wines, or car key missing right as I go to leave, or store closed cuz is gunman inside. Sadly, being Superhero Addict, none of these thing deter Cow. I has even fight through emergency storm flooding and power outage to score. Gods maybe need to send pestillence, festering boils or sharknado to stops me.

Well, I threw rest of coffee down drain ...but I took couple sips first. I want to do liver and raw egg cleanse tomorrow. I think I need day of super nutricious but monotonous foods to calm everything down. And to help get through that, I think I need do another accountability day, where I check in every couple hour tomorrow. (So avoid you computers at all cost!)

trachemys

Faster than a speeding pullet.
More powerful than a John Deere tractor.
Able to leap tall silos in a single bound.

Look! Up in the sky!
It's a bird. It's a plane. It's SuperCow!

Yes, it's SuperCow - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. SuperCow - who can change the course of human events, bend will with bare hooves, and fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the Sober Way.


(giving you something to shoot for tomorrow)