Diary of a Mad Cow, Part V: "Rise of Sober Cow" –everybody run!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Diary of a Mad Cow, Part V: "Rise of Sober Cow" –everybody run! Oh hello Kittens, is been a while, yes? But I please to say, it think for Cow is finally over.
Was by no great heroics, or act of will, or, if I honest, even truly reasonable efforts, but only by simple, end-of-line, total beat down attrition. I knew I down on the mat for some time now and I just waiting for referee to count me out.
Of course, I go down fighting and take trip into the hole again. Worse drinking as I been in many year. Two, three week of being total drunk ass. Drinking from morning to pass out, shirking responsibility, conducting professional work under influence, avoiding all friend, drunk drive repeatedly, pacing liquor aisle at 5:45AM cuz they not sell 'til 6. I was start to turn yellow, not shower or change clothes, get caught stealing wine opener from store (cuz I doing my delusional "I not gonna buys any more paraphernalia" thing). And lying, lying, lying, and lying. Oh, and lying. I think I maybe enter state of alcoholic psychosis.
Not sure why this occur, excepting, maybe I has to go back down and touch my very worse depths for some reason. Had to court death again. Maybe need to make damn sure whether I wanna die booze blazing or face great sober unknown.
Anyways, I decide not wanna die and drinking thing been done to death, so I been clean Cow for some time now. I not had want to post other Diary thread until I able to tell you this. I pause now while you weep with pride and admirations.
Not want to give any false impression, though. I still miserable nihilistic son of bitch who probable gonna be just as big as pain in you ass as before. Maybe more, cuz gotta figure out whole sober life thing. So far, entire existence paradigm look like this:
1. Thou shalt not consume booze.
2. Thou shalt not consume caffeine.
As paradigm go, that pretty threadbare, I know. Baby step! At least I has hopefully final make it to Chapter 2 of my life and it only take me 49 year. Chapter 1, what I can remember, really boring, by the way. Will probable be cut from movie.
I see on horizon is many monsters coming for me. Boredom definitely coming, and he bringing his friends rage, loneliness, PTSD, bereavement, depression, etc. Still no sign of any good mood or joys or anything on bright side of emotional scale. Not even really feel "positive" from this big step, just if anything, relief maybe. For most part, anhedonia, vacancy and melancholia is still pretty much steady state of being, but I trying hard to put in my patience.
So Dumplings, is still big journey to go, yes? And how is you?
PS. For those who wish to know, my detail story is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-mad-cow.html
.
Was by no great heroics, or act of will, or, if I honest, even truly reasonable efforts, but only by simple, end-of-line, total beat down attrition. I knew I down on the mat for some time now and I just waiting for referee to count me out.
Of course, I go down fighting and take trip into the hole again. Worse drinking as I been in many year. Two, three week of being total drunk ass. Drinking from morning to pass out, shirking responsibility, conducting professional work under influence, avoiding all friend, drunk drive repeatedly, pacing liquor aisle at 5:45AM cuz they not sell 'til 6. I was start to turn yellow, not shower or change clothes, get caught stealing wine opener from store (cuz I doing my delusional "I not gonna buys any more paraphernalia" thing). And lying, lying, lying, and lying. Oh, and lying. I think I maybe enter state of alcoholic psychosis.
Not sure why this occur, excepting, maybe I has to go back down and touch my very worse depths for some reason. Had to court death again. Maybe need to make damn sure whether I wanna die booze blazing or face great sober unknown.
Anyways, I decide not wanna die and drinking thing been done to death, so I been clean Cow for some time now. I not had want to post other Diary thread until I able to tell you this. I pause now while you weep with pride and admirations.
Not want to give any false impression, though. I still miserable nihilistic son of bitch who probable gonna be just as big as pain in you ass as before. Maybe more, cuz gotta figure out whole sober life thing. So far, entire existence paradigm look like this:
1. Thou shalt not consume booze.
2. Thou shalt not consume caffeine.
As paradigm go, that pretty threadbare, I know. Baby step! At least I has hopefully final make it to Chapter 2 of my life and it only take me 49 year. Chapter 1, what I can remember, really boring, by the way. Will probable be cut from movie.
I see on horizon is many monsters coming for me. Boredom definitely coming, and he bringing his friends rage, loneliness, PTSD, bereavement, depression, etc. Still no sign of any good mood or joys or anything on bright side of emotional scale. Not even really feel "positive" from this big step, just if anything, relief maybe. For most part, anhedonia, vacancy and melancholia is still pretty much steady state of being, but I trying hard to put in my patience.
So Dumplings, is still big journey to go, yes? And how is you?
PS. For those who wish to know, my detail story is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-mad-cow.html
.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Dearest Cow,
those two items to listed? Perfect. Those were the two you needed to make. Simple but not easy, as we know.
And you're not that big of a pain in the ass. I think each one of us here is mostly likely a sizable pain in the rear as well. I mean, we are alcoholics and that goes without saying we are pains in the ass and in pain, mostly likely as well
Good to see you. and looky! Bims brought lunch for us.
Love to you!
CAL
those two items to listed? Perfect. Those were the two you needed to make. Simple but not easy, as we know.
And you're not that big of a pain in the ass. I think each one of us here is mostly likely a sizable pain in the rear as well. I mean, we are alcoholics and that goes without saying we are pains in the ass and in pain, mostly likely as well
Good to see you. and looky! Bims brought lunch for us.
Love to you!
CAL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,993
I'm happy to see your post.
I know how hard it is to cope with your temperament. I'm happy you're giving sobriety a go. You've written so brilliantly on anhedonia, I appreciate your perspective.
Take care.
I know how hard it is to cope with your temperament. I'm happy you're giving sobriety a go. You've written so brilliantly on anhedonia, I appreciate your perspective.
Take care.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
AO, I not doing well, I just doing.
"Well" part hopeful come later, but not can think that way, cuz that thinking easily turn into: "Well if I not gonna feel any better sober then..." Nope. Not care how you feeling, Cow. You just keep doing.
~Thank you all for kind words, greetings and tasty snack food. Moo Mwah everybody!
"Well" part hopeful come later, but not can think that way, cuz that thinking easily turn into: "Well if I not gonna feel any better sober then..." Nope. Not care how you feeling, Cow. You just keep doing.
~Thank you all for kind words, greetings and tasty snack food. Moo Mwah everybody!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
Hi Cow, so glad to hear from you!
3.5 months worth of sober days here and still only the one day of joy. Oh well at least I won't get cirrhosis or kill someone driving drunk.
Please keep sharing - your posts really spice up this place and that helps me a lot.
3.5 months worth of sober days here and still only the one day of joy. Oh well at least I won't get cirrhosis or kill someone driving drunk.
Please keep sharing - your posts really spice up this place and that helps me a lot.
Happy, joyous, and free
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: FL
Posts: 113
Cow, I haven't had the pleasure of interacting with you personally before, but I've followed your story and I'm so pleased that you're through the other side. May every day get better and brighter for you.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Welcome and thank you, new friend.
Hawk, I was watch some movie that had time lapse sequence that show all this stuff happen, and I like, Jesus God, can you imagine if they time lapse last couple year of my life. You not be able to tell one day from next. Would be like: Cow get up, Cow go to store to buys coffee, Cow at computer, Cow go to store to buys booze, Cow sit around drinking, Cow go back to store to buys more booze, Cow watch TV, Cow pass out. Maybe would be special action episode where is like: Wait, OMG! What just happen! NO! Cow move from couch to recliner!
Good on ya for stay strong, Guinea Pig! Damn, still no joy. Well, we be partner in joylessness, okay? I sure it get spicy in here. I mean, always does. I probable get throw in SR Jail at least once, Robot sure to introduce some fascinating if incomprehensible concepts, Sheriff D will has to bust up some fights, and AO and I bound to disagree before, oh wait, we already has.
So, at least we keep you entertain.
Hawk, I was watch some movie that had time lapse sequence that show all this stuff happen, and I like, Jesus God, can you imagine if they time lapse last couple year of my life. You not be able to tell one day from next. Would be like: Cow get up, Cow go to store to buys coffee, Cow at computer, Cow go to store to buys booze, Cow sit around drinking, Cow go back to store to buys more booze, Cow watch TV, Cow pass out. Maybe would be special action episode where is like: Wait, OMG! What just happen! NO! Cow move from couch to recliner!
Good on ya for stay strong, Guinea Pig! Damn, still no joy. Well, we be partner in joylessness, okay? I sure it get spicy in here. I mean, always does. I probable get throw in SR Jail at least once, Robot sure to introduce some fascinating if incomprehensible concepts, Sheriff D will has to bust up some fights, and AO and I bound to disagree before, oh wait, we already has.
So, at least we keep you entertain.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
Glad to see you back cow. For some reason this poem comes to mind. Hope you like it too.
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who squatting upon the ground,
held his heart in his hands
and ate of it
I said, "is it good friend"?
"It is bitter - bitter", He answered
"But I like it
Because it is bitter, and because
It is my heart"
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial
Who squatting upon the ground,
held his heart in his hands
and ate of it
I said, "is it good friend"?
"It is bitter - bitter", He answered
"But I like it
Because it is bitter, and because
It is my heart"
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