Scrubmuncher

I have really lost my mind, I have no concept of reality and fantasy. My mind is making up its own life, horrible life.
I can''t continue with this life, seriously, I'm better off dead.

BullDog777

you're not better off dead, just better off sober.

during my final drinking days i was in a horrible panic and living in sick paranoia. it consumed every minute of every day. i was insane from all of the delusions. that went away when i quit drinking.


it takes time to heal the damage we do, but if i can do it, anyone can.

hang in there, there is a life outside of the bottle.

MycoolFitz

Things that bad seek professional help immediately, even ER at least a hotline. There is help out there if you reach out.

PaperDolls

Please read this post --> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

You are NOT better off dead.

DayTrader

Ah yes...... do I ever remember THAT feeling.

There's a part in the BB where they wrote, "he will be at the jumping off point, he will wish for the end." Man, could I ever identify.

Rest assured, it can and will get worse.....unless you're willing to take some different actions and make some changes. Maybe you'll have to even join up with us jerks in AA (haha). I promise you though, real sobriety is kick-a$$. ....and no, I don't just mean "not drinking." Not drinking is for the birds.....I'm talking full-bore, in all areas of your life, healthy sobriety.

The problem is, you may need more than a wash and a wax. You may, like me, need a full frame-off restoration and you may not have the necessary tools. If that's the case, you're in luck........ happiness AND sobriety are still attainable quite simply.....but the work may not be "easy." Simple......but not always easy.

No BS...... you CAN have a much better life. You can have peace, happiness, serenity, the lessening of fear, freedom from a TON of the stuff that's dragging you down..... I'm living proof. Had I been able to muster up the balls, I was ready to end it. Was tossing around smashing into a bridge across the freeway or shooting myself.

In 4 years of sobriety, in AA, working the program.......I've never once really contemplated taking my own life again. And the best part - most of the really heavy lifting was done FOR me.

Dee74

I'm sorry to see you back here again and in the same situation Scrub.
Get some help mate - if nothing else, go to the nearest A&E.

D

Hwdcarver

At this point of your recovery you really need to live Second to Second, not One Day at a Time, because thats Way too hard for anyone who is just starting out... Like others have suggested, seeking some help at this point would a very wise idea, We really Do Not want you to hurt your-self At all, there is NO NEED FOR THAT, When you can get help..... Please Hear Us!! My Prays are with & for you right now..........:ghug3

BennyHill

Good luck Scrub.

wander2

I've been there.. and not that long ago, I was killing myself, I knew it, and I was OK with it. Then I saw a freinds brother die of liver disease, he drank til the end. I haven't won this battle yet, but I'm not gonna stop trying.

BurnToBuild

I've had that feeling many times.

The only thing i can say is, if you can't continue with this life, discard it and make another one. I've finally made a decision as to which path i'm going to take and it's a simple win or lose proposition. The odds are seemingly insurmountable but i don't care. I want and i will have. If i lose it's because i simply didn't want it enough and deserve to be a loser.

After that i might be better off dead as i can't see any other options.

Scrubmuncher

Kind of hit the nail on the head, I am a loser and so therefore shall never amount to anything better. I'm almost 40 year old, I can't start again now, but drinking myself to death takes such a long time. nowhere to turn now, no support, family or friends around me. Prolonging my inevitable destiny is just frustrating, I wanna get it over and done with.

recoverywfaith

You are not a loser!!! Things can get better when you get sober...give sobriety and yourself the chance you deserve.

Muunray

I think you need to go to E.R. before you hurt yourself.

Dee74

Scrub, you're not a loser - you're just the same as we all have been in our addiction...in the middle of a vast ocean and not sure where land is....

Find some help.
please go to an ER & get yourself supervised by medical professionals.

D

michelle01

Please if you can't manage this on your own, are beating yourself into a corner, get some help - you're not alone. I've been there. I got sober at 36, 38 now, it's never too early or too late to quit, just something your mind is trying to tell you. You can't write yourself off at 40, that's WAY too young!

We all feel at some stage as if we've 'lost it', are losing our minds, I've been in psychiatric wards a lot of times, never thought it would get any better - not for me anyhow. It was step by step but life now has vastly improved. I'm no better or worse than you, no special abilities, nothing magical about it, but I'm sober today.

auxilio

I felt just like you one week ago....I have seven days and the despair is beginning to lift. Reach out...people will hold you up even if you can't stand. I wanted to stay in tonight and feel bad about myself, but I went to a meeting and literally heard the most inspirational speaker I have ever met inside or outside AA. Call someone, go to ER. I went last Friday.

BurnToBuild

I'm going to take a different angle in this.

First off, sobriety by itself means nothing. You're not drinking anymore? So what. Sobriety is merely a first but very crucial first step. You can't do it, you might as well give up and fade away as you'll never be able to make the next moves.

You have to have a plan. not just some thoughts but a written down, coherent plan of attack. Self transformation is the what you will be doing. Tear down and out that which hinders you so you can rebuild and reinvent yourself. Find out what would be a satisfactory state of being and figure out a step by step process of making that become your reality.

And don't say you're too old. I'm past 40 myself. Though granted, i'm not fooling myself. If my plan doesn't work out i might as well find an exit door as i will basically be waiting for the end, the sooner the better. That's the chance you have to take.

A better life is out there but getting it isn't easy. If it was, it wouldn't be worthwhile.

Zencat

Do seek some kind of assistance Scrubmuncher. Your not a loser. You have an illness that needs quick attention. The hospital can help you get settled, as it did with me when I lost all hope. There is a way out of suffering, please seek it out.

aussieblue

Hi scrubmuncher I hope you did get some help and are O.K. I am worried for you.

Peter G

I'm thinking being a loser means you've already lost at life? Well, if you're still breathing and able to form thoughts and write, how have you lost at life? Plainly you are not a loser, although it may feel like that right now. And this... prolonging my inevitable destiny... Have a crystal ball handy, do ya? Cuz I could surely stand to know the lottery results for next month mate. Listen amigo, we have to sleep, eat, hydrate, blink, crap, pay taxes, and get the occasional haircut. Anything over and above these things is not written in stone, anywhere. Nothing we've torn down can't be rebuilt stronger with care, effort, humility, and forgiveness.

Also, starting again at almost 40 is 3 full years earlier than I managed. Newsflash: I'm doing pretty OK now, at 44. Age is merely a number, as cliché as that sounds it's 100% true, full stop. Plenty of folks out there who didn't even begin living until their 40's. What I'm saying is it's never too late and that age is one seriously useless measuring stick if you're only drawing on it to limit your options.

And this: "nowhere to turn, no support, no family or friends. Frustrating, wanna get it over and done with..."

Welcome to the club of most of us Scrub. We'll send out a laminated membership card. You're describing - verbatim - where I was when I hit the bottom of my illness. And funnily enough, upon attending a few AA meetings I discovered that there were plenty of others who had those same issues. In fact arguably, any serious knock down drinker had your entire list in common when they hit their lowest point. Not one person who's properly drank themselves comatose for the better part of their lives has much of a friends/family/personal possessions list to write down and be proud of. To some extent we're all members of THAT bunch, the type who would mercilessly kick the hell out of anything and anyone that got in the way of our drug of choice. Not many folks will stick around only to get continually kicked in the groin by a drunk. Not much money ends up in our bank accounts when there's plenty of proper liquor stores that made better use of our cash. I think you see what I'm sayin'.

Here's the thing, you always have somewhere to turn, and there are always better days ahead. AA is a place to turn. If not AA then any of a number of institutions and programs are available to help when life looks bleak and worthless. Sober Recovery is a great cursory place to turn. Sound off here and watch how many kind folks offer solid advice that you can use in your daily life, on ANY issue. You've received some great advice already. Get an online sponsor if you can't or won't do face to face meetings. Get to a psychologist and work on yourself as opposed to beating yourself silly like you're doing right now.

Anything is better than simply giving up. Let me ask you this, haven't you given up on yourself enough, every single time you sat down and got $h!tfaced drunk? Why not do yourself a solid right now and simply give yourself a break?

Look beyond this moment Scrub, let it pass. Most importantly, if everything is in the crapper for you, and nothing seems to be working, what a perfect time to reinvent and start over, yes? Lost your legs in a car accident? Take up knitting. Lose your arms in an industrial accident? Become a marathon runner. Basically, the only limits you have are the ones you impose on yourself. So forget that "it's too late", "almost 40" happy crap, it's a cop out. You are 1 day old on the day you decide to change your life, not "almost 40". 1 Day Old. This can turn around for you Scrub, as it has for millions of us no good, loser drunks.

Just because you can't currently see the way out doesn't mean it's not there mate. You don't have a proper vantage point is all - because you're sick. Just take one step in the right direction yes? Go and get some help. Once you do, more will be revealed, trust me.