Still struggling...

[eggie]

Hi, I'm new here. I haven't had a drop in 1 year, 5months. But I still want to drink. I think about it a lot! Does that ever change?

I feel like I have a split personality inside me... half of me wants to drink and thinks about it all the time, but my other half has chosen not to drink. I like me sober so much more, my family likes me sober and i'm not depressed like i used to be..

BUT I MISS THE BUZZ! Even though at the end I hardly ever had that buzz, I was either sober or drunk. No in between.

Thanks for letting me share. Would love to hear from others.
Tina

[coffeenut]

Welcome, eggie. Congrats on your sober time.

I have been sober 1 year 4 months.....and I don't miss the buzz. I honestly don't....in fact the thought of it makes me sick.

I'm wondering why you are still feeling this way....others will be around with more help to offer. Again, welcome to SR....stick around....maybe that buzz feeling can disappear.

[aqua4017]

Hi eggie...I'm new here too and have been wondering the exact same thing. I'm going on day 26 sober and it amazes me how much I think about alcohol. It's always on my mind and I hope it fades over time. It doesn't help that I just moved to a new town and there are liquor stores EVERYWHERE though. Congrats on your time sober!

[me11109]

Hi Eggie -

You have more sobriety than I, so take this with a grain of salt (I am 9+ months).

What I have found is that the alcohol was just my solution for a bigger problem -- stress, anxiety, wanting to control the world, putting pressure on myself, etc.

So, quitting alcohol gave me the ability to begin working on the real problem.

I have been working hard on developing the life coping skills and it has been making a big difference.

So, I don't care what kind of program you do (AA or non-12 step program), but, in my experience, you do need to work on it - in addition to not drinking.

It is wonderful about your time sober. Don't give it up!

[eggie]

Thanks Everyone for your encouragement.... I go through such good times where I don't think about it at all then there are other times (like now) where all I do is obsess on it. I have a sponsor and I just feel like she must think "come on, get on with it already, we talked about this over and over again"

But I can't help it.... I know this is bad for me to say, but I loved drinking...

I just got to the point over the last year that I drank that it wasn't fun anymore... it became more a need. And too many bad episodes started to happen and my home life (not my work life) started to be come non-functional because of my drinking. I planned my evenings around what errands I needed to get out of the way so I can get home and start my drinking... So it is crazy to say all that and then to say... that I loved to drink.

again I go through all these emotions and they just spin in my head... and I go over and over it again.

Well thanks for letting me ramble... I needed to share.
Tina

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by eggie

I feel like I have a split personality inside me... half of me wants to drink and thinks about it all the time...

I too felt like this the first dozen or so times I tried abstaining from alcohol.
It was not until I sought out the spiritual side of recovery that I was
"released" from the obsession.

I did not know it then but I know now that what I really need in my life is peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose or the obsession will slowly come back into my life.

[24hrsAday]

Originally Posted by Boleo

I too felt like this the first dozen or so times I tried abstaining from alcohol.
It was not until I sought out the spiritual side of recovery that I was
"released" from the obsession.

I did not know it then but I know now that what I really need in my life is peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose or the obsession will slowly come back into my life.

that about sums it up for me also.. thanks Boleo!

[CarolD]

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
eggie...

Please look at the last paragraph on
page 43 in our book.....Alcoholics Anonymous
That has kept me sober many times
regardless of anything else.

My drinking obcession was lifted around 3 years
sober .....I had finished my Steps and prayed
for relief often.

Well done on your sober time.....

[CarolD]

Aqua4017.....
Congratulations on your early sobriety
Welcome to our recovery community

[Wolfchild]

That's a long time to "white knuckle" it. It sounds as if you may have a disease known as alcoholism. Until the mental obsession is arrested, it will continue to progress unchecked. What works for me is staying clean & sober one day at a time, regularly going to meetings, following direction from my sponsor, having a practical relationship with the God of my understanding, working & living the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, reading recovery literature daily, and being of service to other alcoholics and addicts. What you describe sounds very similiar to the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde analogy in the Big Book. Congrats on staying sober and welcome. i hope you will keep coming back.

[rondfw777]

Hang in there,you will be glad you did.
Thanks for sharing and welcome!

[keithj]

Eggie,

That's a tough one. I can't imagine I would have stayed sober if that obsession was eating away at me for over a year. I don't want to give you the impression that you've done something wrong in your recovery. I don't think it works like that.

All I can tell you about is my experience. I was desperate and hopeless when I got sober. The powerless idea was obvious to me, and I was willing to do anything to stop drinking. The first day I didn't drink I was deep in the Big Book with a knowledgeable sponsor. We met every couple of days and worked through the first three steps in a couple of weeks, and I started immediately on an inventory.

Somewhere in that process, I had a realization that I hadn't thought about taking a drink that day, and I really couldn't recall thinking about it for a few days. It kind of snuck up on me. I finished the inventory, 5th stepped it, went immediately home and did 6 and 7. Then I made a list and started making amends. As I made my amends, I made Steps 10 and 11 part of my daily practice.

Gradually (it felt gradual, but thinking about the timeline again, I guess it was pretty sudden), I felt this power in my life. Not all day every day, but it was a power I couldn't deny despite all my attempts to deny it. It was there. A spiritual awakening was undeniable. My perceptions were altered and my actions were different. At about 5-6 months, I started sponsoring guys.

Like I said, there's no reason to think you did anything wrong with recovery. But I've sponsored a few guys that were sort of in the same boat as you. They've sort of been through the Steps, but still have some reservations. I don't think they are as honest as you, but I'm guessing they still entertain thoughts of drinking. Some of them have relapsed.

With the guys I know in that position, it screams from their words and deeds that they have not undergone that profound transformation that we call a spiritual awakening. They have done enough to keep them sober for a time. I sort of think they are just waiting for that inevitable day to come, and I suggest we look at how thorough their inventory and amends were. In short, I suggest we take the Steps again. Some do, some don't.

I've been through the Steps a number of times in sobriety, and every time it's been a new experinece and a deeper relationship to a higher power for me. I'm not saying that you have to continually be formally taking the Steps, but it's never hurt me.

That Big Book is filled with directions. I take those directions seriously and follow them to the best of my ability. Maybe there are some directions in there that could benefit you as well.

[LBW]

Eggie,

I'm wondering if you would benefit from the epiphany I just had. I've been working on identifying that voice in my head that keeps telling me how wonderful drinking made me feel and thinking of it as a separate entity that I can argue with. It's a manipulative liar, that voice. It's arguments are based on faulty logic. It only reminds me of the good moments of drinking. It's pure propaganda. All lies.

You are not only listening to this voice but allowing it to go on monologues. You are obsessing about what it is telling you.

I just learned that the method is called DISARM and is from the SMART Recovery program. I don't see why a person couldn't work this method and do the AA steps. I mean it's whatever works.

It was a tremendous breakthrough for me to discover this. Maybe this type of thing just fits my personality and it may not work for everyone. Like I said, whatever works.

The only other advice I might have would be to get a hobby or a goal. It could be health or exercise related... or you know, Oprah always says the best way to fix yourself is to help others. Figure out some volunteer work you can do. Find a cause you can believe in and make a difference. You might just have too much time on your hands and you need to get yourself out of your head! (My husband always makes fun of me for quoting Oprah all the time, but hey I'm a stay-at-home mom on a budget... Oprah is my therapy!)

Good luck to you! I admire you for staying sober this long even with all these struggles. You must be a very strong person!

[MagicMan08]

So much profound information here to take in. It is amazing sometimes. I am in an outpatient treatment situation right now, and I see people tone out when the counselor is asking someone else in the group questions and such about their issues and problems and how they deal with that and such. But that is where the real information is at, through someone else.

Good luck.

[EvilBunny]

I have the same problem - I want the high. A lot of people talk about drinking and using to cope with problems, and I've done plenty of that, but I think most alcoholics don't really understand the so-called euphoric drinker. My doctor told me that euphoric drinkers are a minority of alcoholics. For us, alcohol is more like a stimulant than a depressant. It isn't for relaxation, it's for a drug-like high and many of us move on to other drugs when it stops working as well.

I think recovery is definitely more difficult when you drink for the buzz and not to get numb. There are plenty of healthy ways to cope, relax and deal with anxiety, but I haven't found any healthy ways to get high or achieve an altered state.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by EvilBunny

...but I think most alcoholics don't really understand the so-called euphoric drinker.

Really? Not my experience, nor is it the experience found in AA's Big Book. Maybe those folks, and I, were wrong. I sure know I loved that feeling. I just didn't like the consequences. And after a time, that elusive feeling became even more elusive.

Originally Posted by AA Big Book, 1st Ed., The Dr.'s Opinion

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.

Knowing that didn't do much for my recovery. Taking action did.

[JustJohn]

Hang in there!! I got almost 4 years sobriety once and screwed it up and have struggled ever since. I'm a little over 5 weeks sober now. I have had some sober weeks and months since then, but I so wish every single day that I had not made the decision to drink again. I cannot wait until I can again say that I have x-years sober.

After a while, it did get easy to stay sober for me. Why I took that drink was complete stupidity on my part. Everyone is different, but for me, it was a matter of reaching a sober state of mind where I came to automatically dismiss the thought of drinking. How do you get there? I'm not sure, but the one thing that worked for me was to use what I call the principal of "the second thought". You can't always control that first thought that pops into your mind. However, you can choose whether or not to dwell upon that first thought, and you can choose to think a second, different thought.

Do what you have to do to dismiss the thought to drink, and don't dwell on thoughts that tend to trigger the urge to drink for you. Good luck my friend!

[EvilBunny]

Originally Posted by keithj

Really? Not my experience, nor is it the experience found in AA's Big Book.

I've just heard a lot of people in meetings talk about drinking in a way that I don't relate to (i.e. drinking to relieve anxiety).

Maybe those folks, and I, were wrong.

That's very likely. I value my doctor's modern professional opinion more than your anecdotal evidence and the Big Book's early 20th century understanding of addiction. Alcoholics do not all experience intoxication the same way.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by EvilBunny

I value my doctor's modern professional opinion more than your anecdotal evidence and the Big Book's early 20th century understanding of addiction.

And how's that working for you?

Yep, that's me, a victim of antiquated anecdotal evidence, utterly wrong, and sober and happy.

[EvilBunny]

Originally Posted by keithj

Yep, that's me, a victim of antiquated anecdotal evidence, utterly wrong, and sober and happy.

That's great that you're one of the few people that it works for, but you do others a disservice by insisting that it will work for everyone, which it clearly doesn't.

Honestly, what I'm doing now is working better than the 12 steps did. And save me the "You must not have really tried" bull. It's insulting and arrogant. AA is one of many roads to recovery, and it's not for everyone.

[LBW]

EvilBunny,

I can totally relate to the eurphoric drinker thing!! I have a difficult time relating to my sister who is also an alcoholic. She got to a much more advanced level of alcoholism and drug addiction than I ever did. Who knows if I keep at, I'm sure I could reach her level as well. But she drank for every reason under the sun... to cover emotions, to treat anxiety, to feel numb... I drank for one reason: to feel happy and carefree. I was the happiest drunk I knew. I loved everyone. This is also the reason for most of my embarrassments. My sister could have been drinking all day long and no one knew. She didn't even slur. It was very obvious when I drank. I got so happy and I thought I was best friends with everyone. If no one was around, I drunk called people. Horribly embarrassing...

I also don't know if the whole AA thing is right for me. My sister works the program and it has saved her life for sure. Aspects of it sound good, but there are some things I don't believe would work for me. I'm looking for inspiration and tools everywhere I can.

[EvilBunny]

Originally Posted by LBW

EvilBunny,

I can totally relate to the eurphoric drinker thing!! I have a difficult time relating to my sister who is also an alcoholic. She got to a much more advanced level of alcoholism and drug addiction than I ever did. Who knows if I keep at, I'm sure I could reach her level as well. But she drank for every reason under the sun... to cover emotions, to treat anxiety, to feel numb... I drank for one reason: to feel happy and carefree. I was the happiest drunk I knew. I loved everyone. This is also the reason for most of my embarrassments. My sister could have been drinking all day long and no one knew. She didn't even slur. It was very obvious when I drank. I got so happy and I thought I was best friends with everyone. If no one was around, I drunk called people. Horribly embarrassing...

That's me exactly, except I started mixing coke with alcohol when I couldn't get high on alcohol alone. I gave my email address, phone number, etc. to a lot of new "best friends" all the time only to have to avoid those people later. I don't get the "cover emotions" thing either - I'm only really in touch with my emotions when I'm f****d up. Lots of people use alcohol for temporary suicide, but I use it to feel alive.

[eggie]

Originally Posted by CarolD

My drinking obcession was lifted around 3 years
sober .....I had finished my Steps and prayed
for relief often.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... Carol, i needed to hear that... that I'm normal that I'm still thinking about drinking. For some reason I keep thinking now that I'm past a year sober, I should be able to move on... and not even think about it... That I should be over it by now.

I go to AA meetings and I feel like all these people are years and years sober and they are not struggling anymore. And the people that they are encouraging are a couple weeks to a couple months sober. And I feel like I'm lost in a gap and I leave more depressed that I am feeling the way I do about drinking still. I am trying a new meeting tomorrow night... hopefully I'll find what I'm looking for.

Also I do want to say thank you to every one else too that has responded on this post... It's helpful to hear others share their stories too.
Tina

[eggie]

Again thank you everyone... I just went back and re-read through all the posts... and as somebody said there is a lot of good information here and items for me to think about....

I know it sounds like I am white-knuckling it... and maybe a bit i am.... I do know that I have RESOLVED not to drink. I DONT want to drink.. I choose not to drink today. When I take it day by day I do well.

But my mind slips into this whole thing of feeling sorry for myself that I won't be able to again. I need to keep myself in check with that.

I haven't worked the 12 steps at all but I am a Christian and I feel God - of my understanding- keeps me on the right path..

I will hang in there... I do like me a whole lot more sober!
Tina

[CarolD]

Tina.....I'm glad you found my share helpful.

When I began working on my formal 12 steps
with a sponsor...out of the BB.....
I felt a psychic shift ....from sobriety into recovery.

I certainly hope the same for you.