LBW

EvilBunny,

I can totally relate to the eurphoric drinker thing!! I have a difficult time relating to my sister who is also an alcoholic. She got to a much more advanced level of alcoholism and drug addiction than I ever did. Who knows if I keep at, I'm sure I could reach her level as well. But she drank for every reason under the sun... to cover emotions, to treat anxiety, to feel numb... I drank for one reason: to feel happy and carefree. I was the happiest drunk I knew. I loved everyone. This is also the reason for most of my embarrassments. My sister could have been drinking all day long and no one knew. She didn't even slur. It was very obvious when I drank. I got so happy and I thought I was best friends with everyone. If no one was around, I drunk called people. Horribly embarrassing...

I also don't know if the whole AA thing is right for me. My sister works the program and it has saved her life for sure. Aspects of it sound good, but there are some things I don't believe would work for me. I'm looking for inspiration and tools everywhere I can.

EvilBunny

That's me exactly, except I started mixing coke with alcohol when I couldn't get high on alcohol alone. I gave my email address, phone number, etc. to a lot of new "best friends" all the time only to have to avoid those people later. I don't get the "cover emotions" thing either - I'm only really in touch with my emotions when I'm f****d up. Lots of people use alcohol for temporary suicide, but I use it to feel alive.

eggie

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... Carol, i needed to hear that... that I'm normal that I'm still thinking about drinking. For some reason I keep thinking now that I'm past a year sober, I should be able to move on... and not even think about it... That I should be over it by now.

I go to AA meetings and I feel like all these people are years and years sober and they are not struggling anymore. And the people that they are encouraging are a couple weeks to a couple months sober. And I feel like I'm lost in a gap and I leave more depressed that I am feeling the way I do about drinking still. I am trying a new meeting tomorrow night... hopefully I'll find what I'm looking for.

Also I do want to say thank you to every one else too that has responded on this post... It's helpful to hear others share their stories too.
Tina

eggie

Again thank you everyone... I just went back and re-read through all the posts... and as somebody said there is a lot of good information here and items for me to think about....

I know it sounds like I am white-knuckling it... and maybe a bit i am.... I do know that I have RESOLVED not to drink. I DONT want to drink.. I choose not to drink today. When I take it day by day I do well.

But my mind slips into this whole thing of feeling sorry for myself that I won't be able to again. I need to keep myself in check with that.

I haven't worked the 12 steps at all but I am a Christian and I feel God - of my understanding- keeps me on the right path..

I will hang in there... I do like me a whole lot more sober!
Tina

CarolD

Tina.....I'm glad you found my share helpful.

When I began working on my formal 12 steps
with a sponsor...out of the BB.....
I felt a psychic shift ....from sobriety into recovery.

I certainly hope the same for you.

chrisinaustin

Tina, I might have missed it, but one of the things Carol touched on is it was lifted when she had worked through the steps. Have you worked them through?

Chris

eggie

Well Chris, it's funny you should ask... because as I said i was going to, I went to a meeting tonight.... Nobody really brought up a topic so the moderator said let's put step 1 out there on the table and discuss that. great discussions...

So as we were discussing Step 1, I kept looking at the wall and trying to see where I am.
Step 1 - I absolutely admit that I am powerless over alcohol. That is why I choose daily not to drink.

AND THAT'S WHERE I END. RIGHT THERE. For a year and 5 months that's where I have stayed. White Knuckling it. (thanks to whoever brought that up, because i have thought about that ever since you said it. and yes I white-knuckle it every day.)

Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity:

Do I believe in a Power greater then myself? Yes. The God of my understanding is the Lord and Leader of my life.
Do I believe He can restore me to sanity? Depends on what the word "Sanity" means. Right now I can't ever imagine not wanting to drink. I weep about it all the time.

So maybe I should move this post over to the 12 Step Support section and ask What does Sanity mean to all of you... and how do I get beyond this step.

So I think I'm moving from "still struggling" to "taking steps".