The Downward Spiral
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 5
The Downward Spiral
That's where I felt I was when I found this place.
I've been a user of Alcohol for 8 years, incidentally I didn't have my first drink until I was in my 30's. Looking back, it was stupid to have that first one, as I'd gone so far without one. But the constant goading of friends/family finally broke me down and I relented.
Now those first years were nothing spectacular. A drink here and there, then a divorce happened and it ramped up a bit, but was still not spectacular. Then my older kids asked to live with me and my girlfriend left because she was no longer the center of attention. It ramped up again. Recently, I've taken a position that I'd been wanting for many years and it is high pressure. My drinking ramped up again.
I've had so many battles with myself over my drinking in the last 4 months. I drink everyday, but I manage everything else, so I can't be an alcoholic. Alcoholics lose everything, can't function. I function, haven't lost anything, so I can't be an alcoholic.
Only I was sitting there watching myself slowly riding that downward spiral, watching as I became more worried about making sure I had alcohol for after work, than anything else. Slowly the things I loved were falling away and being replaced by alcohol. And it was a long, slow, gradual process for me. I was drinking more and doing less. My duties at work never suffered, I did what I had to do, but was now doing it with more difficulties as I battled hangovers everyday. I was worrying about covering it up, making sure my breath didn't smell of alcohol, worrying about what I'd blow if I got pulled over in the morning.
It was becoming work, and that work was causing anxiety. But still I sat there and said, I don't have a problem. I'll only just have 3 drinks tonight when I go home. Yeah, right. Once that first one passed my lips I was back into my routine, my mood improved, I started to feel good and the bottle kept flowing. I always stopped myself, don't ask me how, but I always got to a point where I would say enough, this is too much! Then the guilt would start and I'd go to bed and fall asleep, but would think my whole drive in the next morning about it being in control.
2 days ago, I had my last drink. I'd watched how far it progressed, and was able to see the natural outcome if I didn't stop. So that's where I was. 2 days have passed now and I hope 2 more will as well.
I've been a user of Alcohol for 8 years, incidentally I didn't have my first drink until I was in my 30's. Looking back, it was stupid to have that first one, as I'd gone so far without one. But the constant goading of friends/family finally broke me down and I relented.
Now those first years were nothing spectacular. A drink here and there, then a divorce happened and it ramped up a bit, but was still not spectacular. Then my older kids asked to live with me and my girlfriend left because she was no longer the center of attention. It ramped up again. Recently, I've taken a position that I'd been wanting for many years and it is high pressure. My drinking ramped up again.
I've had so many battles with myself over my drinking in the last 4 months. I drink everyday, but I manage everything else, so I can't be an alcoholic. Alcoholics lose everything, can't function. I function, haven't lost anything, so I can't be an alcoholic.
Only I was sitting there watching myself slowly riding that downward spiral, watching as I became more worried about making sure I had alcohol for after work, than anything else. Slowly the things I loved were falling away and being replaced by alcohol. And it was a long, slow, gradual process for me. I was drinking more and doing less. My duties at work never suffered, I did what I had to do, but was now doing it with more difficulties as I battled hangovers everyday. I was worrying about covering it up, making sure my breath didn't smell of alcohol, worrying about what I'd blow if I got pulled over in the morning.
It was becoming work, and that work was causing anxiety. But still I sat there and said, I don't have a problem. I'll only just have 3 drinks tonight when I go home. Yeah, right. Once that first one passed my lips I was back into my routine, my mood improved, I started to feel good and the bottle kept flowing. I always stopped myself, don't ask me how, but I always got to a point where I would say enough, this is too much! Then the guilt would start and I'd go to bed and fall asleep, but would think my whole drive in the next morning about it being in control.
2 days ago, I had my last drink. I'd watched how far it progressed, and was able to see the natural outcome if I didn't stop. So that's where I was. 2 days have passed now and I hope 2 more will as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 617
Well said Chris- Right now I have no job (CAME IN DRUNK last month.),My wife's family thinks she is insane for still having me in her life(,and I guess I can see why) and what REALLY hurts is that MY FAMILY feels the same way! THEN I have to see my parole officer, oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Lucked out and didn't have to see her for a couple of weeks, but my good fortune is about to end tomorrow. I have to explain WHY I don't have my DWI class done with because I lost my job DRINKING and couldn't pay for it. or the monthly fines. OR the interlock ( I'm on probation for over FIVE YEARS, & this is all so new to me,). I l am going to confess I will LIE LIKE A DOG if I have to. Thank God the wife has a decent job or we ALL would be starving, and I know that she HAS to have divorce on her mind. Remember the old Warner Brothers cartoon where they have a 500 pound safe held up with a string over someone's head? That how I feel right now. AND, the hell of it is that God gave me the sobriety I had PRAYED FOR YEARS for him to give me, and after three years I threw that precious gift away like a used condom. I HAD THE GIFT!!! Then I started to take it for granted, forgetting where I came from, and began to think I was OH-so smart. This is where I am right now. AND, you know what? I'm doing better than I deserve. Thank you & good night.
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