SR is where I found the key to my sanity
SR is where I found the key to my sanity
I divorced my AH about 3 years ago. I married him, knowing he was alcoholic but had been sober 15 years. I learned being sober and being in recovery are two VERY different things. I look back on the experience....and it was like this:
There is no more helpless feeling on earth than seeing someone you love spiral into the hell that is addiction. But for me, when the behavior was so clearly out of control that for me to cling to hoping he would change would damage me so badly... I decided I had to vote for myself, instead of him. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve a love that will be there for me. I deserve not to have perpetual uncertainty and chaos in my home. I deserve to be at peace. I had to see that his choices were solely his own...and if I stayed hoping he'd change...then somehow I got that my happiness didn't matter....and I changed. It's the only way.
Here are the steps I took:
1. I got into Al Anon RIGHT AWAY and went religiously. For months I couldn't say a word there but cried my guts out the minute I walked in the door. Then tiny bit by tiny bit I realized it was my safe haven, my comfort, my support, my understanding and my peace of mind, one hour at a time. When I got to that place...I got a sponsor and worked the steps seriously. Al Anon saved my life, as it has for countless millions of suffering people.
2. I began to learn about the disease ....really learn about it. The book I found most helpful was "Under The Influence". It was eye opening. This is where I first started to understand that this addiction was a chemical alteration of brain function (not just crazy behavior)....far far beyond my ability to influence or control.
3. I set a clear boundary. Get into detox and treatment right away or this is over...and I deeply meant it. I knew that not doing that would consign me to the crazy of this disease for the rest of my life. I picked me. He picked drink. I let him go...and never looked back. NO it wasn't easy. But staying in chaos was harder.
4. a year later...one of the loving, giving recovering alcoholics that come into this room ( F&F) to offer us comfort and insight gave me this: My question was HOW COULD HE CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING GOOD IN HIS LIFE??? Here was the reply:
"I am an alcoholic and as such, cannot understand the pain I inflicted on my family. As a family member, you cannot understand what it feels like to be alcoholic. Let me explain it this way: if you were in a pool and someone pushed your head under water...you would fight, with every ounce of strength, every bit of will, everything you had to get to the surface to get a breath of air. While you were fighting, you would not have one thought about your kids, your wife, your home or career...only to get a breath. This is what it feels like to be an alcoholic" His behavior is not personal towards you...he's simply in the fight of his life.
I cried after reading that like I'd never cried before. For the first time, I got beyond my rage, my sadness, my anguish and touched my compassion. It was the beginning of forgiveness for me. My ability to arrive there is what really saved my life...to feel all the awful feelings and find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them. It is what saves us.
There are a thousand years of experience in this forum...I'm so thankful to all of you who have taken your time, experience, love to reach out to hurting people.
There is no more helpless feeling on earth than seeing someone you love spiral into the hell that is addiction. But for me, when the behavior was so clearly out of control that for me to cling to hoping he would change would damage me so badly... I decided I had to vote for myself, instead of him. I deserve peace of mind. I deserve a love that will be there for me. I deserve not to have perpetual uncertainty and chaos in my home. I deserve to be at peace. I had to see that his choices were solely his own...and if I stayed hoping he'd change...then somehow I got that my happiness didn't matter....and I changed. It's the only way.
Here are the steps I took:
1. I got into Al Anon RIGHT AWAY and went religiously. For months I couldn't say a word there but cried my guts out the minute I walked in the door. Then tiny bit by tiny bit I realized it was my safe haven, my comfort, my support, my understanding and my peace of mind, one hour at a time. When I got to that place...I got a sponsor and worked the steps seriously. Al Anon saved my life, as it has for countless millions of suffering people.
2. I began to learn about the disease ....really learn about it. The book I found most helpful was "Under The Influence". It was eye opening. This is where I first started to understand that this addiction was a chemical alteration of brain function (not just crazy behavior)....far far beyond my ability to influence or control.
3. I set a clear boundary. Get into detox and treatment right away or this is over...and I deeply meant it. I knew that not doing that would consign me to the crazy of this disease for the rest of my life. I picked me. He picked drink. I let him go...and never looked back. NO it wasn't easy. But staying in chaos was harder.
4. a year later...one of the loving, giving recovering alcoholics that come into this room ( F&F) to offer us comfort and insight gave me this: My question was HOW COULD HE CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING GOOD IN HIS LIFE??? Here was the reply:
"I am an alcoholic and as such, cannot understand the pain I inflicted on my family. As a family member, you cannot understand what it feels like to be alcoholic. Let me explain it this way: if you were in a pool and someone pushed your head under water...you would fight, with every ounce of strength, every bit of will, everything you had to get to the surface to get a breath of air. While you were fighting, you would not have one thought about your kids, your wife, your home or career...only to get a breath. This is what it feels like to be an alcoholic" His behavior is not personal towards you...he's simply in the fight of his life.
I cried after reading that like I'd never cried before. For the first time, I got beyond my rage, my sadness, my anguish and touched my compassion. It was the beginning of forgiveness for me. My ability to arrive there is what really saved my life...to feel all the awful feelings and find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is not for them. It is what saves us.
There are a thousand years of experience in this forum...I'm so thankful to all of you who have taken your time, experience, love to reach out to hurting people.
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