Crying in bed and searching for answers
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Crying in bed and searching for answers
I just joined two nights ago. I was sitting in bed, crying and searching for answers as to why the man I love and who I thought loved me, suddenly and without explanation, broke it off with me. I was researching cocaine addiction, and this was the first link I clicked on. I'm glad to be here.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Yeah, I can understand that way of thinking....but see if you can do it for yourself and not worry about what any of us are doing are thinking. Our tendency as the codependents or loved ones of addicts is to base our actions on what we think they are doing or what they may or may not need...and we put ourselves last, ya know?
Part of our healing can be in practicing to put ourselves first. For me, it's easy to do this on the forum. I just type whatever I feel like because I need to hear myself say it and I appreciate getting the feedback.
Where I need to work on it some more is by using the phone lists from Al Anon meetings I go to. They give me their phone numbers, say that I can call them, and then I don't call -- for the exact reason that you aren't posting more here! I don't want to bother them with my stuff.
Well to heck with that!
I've got problems and they are saying they are willing to listen and help.
So starting today I am going to start using the phone lists.
Same thing for this forum -- there are people here willing to help and listen.
So what if he have to vent about the same stuff over and over? We may need to do that for our sake ya know? But then at some point, and especially if we are also working a program like Al Anon and taking steps toward learning and making better choices for ourselves, stuff starts clicking and we can start feeling better. Ahhhh. That's relief!
So I wanna encourage you to forget about what you think we might be thinking and use this board for whatever purposes you think will help YOU. See if you're willing to take some action based on what you learn and the feedback you get. Take what works and leave the rest. Sometimes we're not ready for certain information or perspectives...but then as we keep coming back, we get open or more willing. One day a time as they say.
Part of our healing can be in practicing to put ourselves first. For me, it's easy to do this on the forum. I just type whatever I feel like because I need to hear myself say it and I appreciate getting the feedback.
Where I need to work on it some more is by using the phone lists from Al Anon meetings I go to. They give me their phone numbers, say that I can call them, and then I don't call -- for the exact reason that you aren't posting more here! I don't want to bother them with my stuff.
Well to heck with that!
I've got problems and they are saying they are willing to listen and help.
So starting today I am going to start using the phone lists.
Same thing for this forum -- there are people here willing to help and listen.
So what if he have to vent about the same stuff over and over? We may need to do that for our sake ya know? But then at some point, and especially if we are also working a program like Al Anon and taking steps toward learning and making better choices for ourselves, stuff starts clicking and we can start feeling better. Ahhhh. That's relief!
So I wanna encourage you to forget about what you think we might be thinking and use this board for whatever purposes you think will help YOU. See if you're willing to take some action based on what you learn and the feedback you get. Take what works and leave the rest. Sometimes we're not ready for certain information or perspectives...but then as we keep coming back, we get open or more willing. One day a time as they say.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Florida
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Everhopeful, So glad you joined and are posting. I lurked around for awhile before I even posted anything. Once I did, I kept coming back for the advice and support I found. Lots of good folks here who understand what you are going through. I would encourage yuo to spend a lot of time on the forums reading about others and geting encouragement.
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Thank you, Booniecat and neferkamichael. I'm glad and grateful to be here.
And yes, I believe he is addicted to cocaine. He has used it since he was a teenager. I don't know how often he's used it in the past, but as of now, he's using it at least twice a week, Friday and Saturday nights, along with alcohol and weed. But he's fully functional, works hard to the point of being a workaholic and has always seemed to have it under control.
And yes, I believe he is addicted to cocaine. He has used it since he was a teenager. I don't know how often he's used it in the past, but as of now, he's using it at least twice a week, Friday and Saturday nights, along with alcohol and weed. But he's fully functional, works hard to the point of being a workaholic and has always seemed to have it under control.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by shinebright7 
Yeah, I can understand that way of thinking....but see if you can do it for yourself and not worry about what any of us are doing are thinking. Our tendency as the codependents or loved ones of addicts is to base our actions on what we think they are doing or what they may or may not need...and we put ourselves last, ya know?
Part of our healing can be in practicing to put ourselves first. For me, it's easy to do this on the forum. I just type whatever I feel like because I need to hear myself say it and I appreciate getting the feedback.
Where I need to work on it some more is by using the phone lists from Al Anon meetings I go to. They give me their phone numbers, say that I can call them, and then I don't call -- for the exact reason that you aren't posting more here! I don't want to bother them with my stuff.
Well to heck with that!
I've got problems and they are saying they are willing to listen and help.
So starting today I am going to start using the phone lists.
Same thing for this forum -- there are people here willing to help and listen.
So what if he have to vent about the same stuff over and over? We may need to do that for our sake ya know? But then at some point, and especially if we are also working a program like Al Anon and taking steps toward learning and making better choices for ourselves, stuff starts clicking and we can start feeling better. Ahhhh. That's relief!
So I wanna encourage you to forget about what you think we might be thinking and use this board for whatever purposes you think will help YOU. See if you're willing to take some action based on what you learn and the feedback you get. Take what works and leave the rest. Sometimes we're not ready for certain information or perspectives...but then as we keep coming back, we get open or more willing. One day a time as they say.
Part of our healing can be in practicing to put ourselves first. For me, it's easy to do this on the forum. I just type whatever I feel like because I need to hear myself say it and I appreciate getting the feedback.
Where I need to work on it some more is by using the phone lists from Al Anon meetings I go to. They give me their phone numbers, say that I can call them, and then I don't call -- for the exact reason that you aren't posting more here! I don't want to bother them with my stuff.
Well to heck with that!
I've got problems and they are saying they are willing to listen and help.
So starting today I am going to start using the phone lists.
Same thing for this forum -- there are people here willing to help and listen.
So what if he have to vent about the same stuff over and over? We may need to do that for our sake ya know? But then at some point, and especially if we are also working a program like Al Anon and taking steps toward learning and making better choices for ourselves, stuff starts clicking and we can start feeling better. Ahhhh. That's relief!
So I wanna encourage you to forget about what you think we might be thinking and use this board for whatever purposes you think will help YOU. See if you're willing to take some action based on what you learn and the feedback you get. Take what works and leave the rest. Sometimes we're not ready for certain information or perspectives...but then as we keep coming back, we get open or more willing. One day a time as they say.
Congratulations on deciding to use the phone lists - that's a wonderful step forward!! And thank you for the words of encouragement and helping me to feel like I'm not being a burden or annoying people. You're right - if they don't want to help or are tired of hearing it from me, they just won't post responses. I do feel better getting all of the positive feedback, and although it's still so early, I feel like I am slowly making progress and have been given much food for thought.
Thank you, and if you want one more person to vent to, please feel free to PM me here. I've been told many times that I'm an excellent listener and give such good advice, that I missed my calling and should have been a counselor or therapist. (Yeah, I seem to be able to help everybody but myself! lol)
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Originally Posted by EverHopeful721
Thank you, Booniecat and neferkamichael. I'm glad and grateful to be here.
And yes, I believe he is addicted to cocaine. He has used it since he was a teenager. I don't know how often he's used it in the past, but as of now, he's using it at least twice a week, Friday and Saturday nights, along with alcohol and weed. But he's fully functional, works hard to the point of being a workaholic and has always seemed to have it under control.
And yes, I believe he is addicted to cocaine. He has used it since he was a teenager. I don't know how often he's used it in the past, but as of now, he's using it at least twice a week, Friday and Saturday nights, along with alcohol and weed. But he's fully functional, works hard to the point of being a workaholic and has always seemed to have it under control.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Thank you, FlowersJasmine. It's hard to break a lifelong pattern, but this recent blow has helped me to finally realize that I absolutely must, or next time I might not make it. And I will continue to share - it has helped me more than I can say to get such loving support and feedback from people who don't even know me, yet out of the goodness of their hearts, want to help me. I'm so grateful I found SR.
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1 year and 7 months clean - that is amazing, neferkamichael!! Congratulations!!
Thank you for the advice, but I don't have to worry about anything like that. You see, he has already ended it with me and we were never in any type of 'committed' relationship. Oh, I was committed to him, all right, for 16 months - he just never apparently had any intention of ever committing to me. So thankfully, I don't have to worry about him using my car or taking money from me. Funny thing is, I did offer him money a couple times, to help with the bills he always seems to be behind on (and now I know why), but he didn't take it and I don't know why...perhaps it was one of his more 'lucid' moments or maybe it just wasn't as bad then - I don't know and I guess I'll never know why he didn't take it, but if I'm grateful for anything, that's it. No, what he took was much more precious - he took my trust, he took my love and he took the last bit of my heart that was still innocent and he shattered them all...
Thank you for the advice, but I don't have to worry about anything like that. You see, he has already ended it with me and we were never in any type of 'committed' relationship. Oh, I was committed to him, all right, for 16 months - he just never apparently had any intention of ever committing to me. So thankfully, I don't have to worry about him using my car or taking money from me. Funny thing is, I did offer him money a couple times, to help with the bills he always seems to be behind on (and now I know why), but he didn't take it and I don't know why...perhaps it was one of his more 'lucid' moments or maybe it just wasn't as bad then - I don't know and I guess I'll never know why he didn't take it, but if I'm grateful for anything, that's it. No, what he took was much more precious - he took my trust, he took my love and he took the last bit of my heart that was still innocent and he shattered them all...
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EverHopeful, don't mind at all. Today I'm 2 years 8 months no booze and tomorrow I'll be 1 year 6 months no cocaine, sorry about that. For 20 or so years I attempted to end it all, but it wasn't until a near squalid poverty lifestyle was going to happen to me. I was desparate. Finally I was flat broke on a regular basis starting in Feburary of 2010, couldn't keep a job, and there were no jobs available around here anymore anyway. Sometime in May 2010 I decided to give it all up and in July with a couple of months clean except for cigarettes was talking to a friend, and she recommend that I try AA. That friend by the way picked up her 28 year chip yesterday. On July 10th while sitting in my first AA meeting I made a commitment to stay clean of all of it. Well not smoking cigarettes lasted until the meeting was over and as quickly as I got some work I started smoking crack again, but I didn't drink. Finally, desparate again and on the internet, I found SoberRecovery September 5th I believe it was and haven't smoked since September the 10th 2011, and haven't smoked a cigarette since June 5th 2012. I can't say I work a program very well, the 12 steps are too much like the 10 commandments for me, but I enjoy the fellowship of AA. The bottom line reason I'm clean and sober is because I want to be. I'm truly sorry for your loss, but you are better off without a crackhead in your life.
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You should be so proud of yourself, neferkamichael. Cigarettes alone are a feat to give up, let alone alcohol and cocaine. And you've reminded me yet again that unless he wants to do it for HIMSELF, nothing I or anybody else could ever do or say will make him stop drinking and using. He's not flat broke as of yet, but he's been perpetually 'behind' on his bills since I've been seeing him, but he would NEVER admit that part of it is due to dropping over $300/week on cocaine. And perhaps that is why he's such a workaholic - he's a laborer, so he's always calling around trying to get anything lined up that he can for money when his 'normal' job doesn't have anything for him, and he told me once that he'll be damned if he's going to lose everything he's worked for (basically his house and his truck), yet he's willing to put that at risk in order to support his habit.
And I'm starting to realize that there was no future with him, because I don't foresee him EVER giving up the cocaine and alcohol unless he loses everything. He's already lost both his parents within 2 months of each other 2 years ago around the holidays and his birthday and although you'd think that would be rock-bottom for most people, it was just an excuse for him to use even more. No, he prides himself on being a hard worker and having a nice little house and new truck, so he would have to go through a situation similar to yours before he would consider that he's hit rock-bottom, and even then, I know there's no guarantee. You're right, although it hurts so deeply right now, I know in the long run, I'll realize that I'm much better off...he's on a very dark, self-destructive road and I can't sacrifice myself to save him. Thanks for sharing, neferkamichael and congratulations!
And I'm starting to realize that there was no future with him, because I don't foresee him EVER giving up the cocaine and alcohol unless he loses everything. He's already lost both his parents within 2 months of each other 2 years ago around the holidays and his birthday and although you'd think that would be rock-bottom for most people, it was just an excuse for him to use even more. No, he prides himself on being a hard worker and having a nice little house and new truck, so he would have to go through a situation similar to yours before he would consider that he's hit rock-bottom, and even then, I know there's no guarantee. You're right, although it hurts so deeply right now, I know in the long run, I'll realize that I'm much better off...he's on a very dark, self-destructive road and I can't sacrifice myself to save him. Thanks for sharing, neferkamichael and congratulations!
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EverHopeful, you are FANTASTIC. You described me for 42 years. I defended my lifestyle with the justification that I "earned" the money to live the way I did, and I even wrecked the ability to earn the money. Goodluck to you. Rootin for ya.
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Hi everhopeful I too am like you in a way well I can relate to your situation. I too found this website two days ago but I was in an alcohol related depression when I did. I too have been in a relationship that has broken up because of alcohol abuse. I am that guy who neglected my partner because I was always chasing the party at the weekends drinking myself into a state. And for days after my partying I spent all my time feeling very depressed, isolated and completely unhappy in myself. I could see what this was doing to my partner but I really didn't care because I was so self absorbed in my own life. Something I've now realized is being completely wasted.
From an other view point here I found it really hard to keep someone else happy as much as I loved her. I suppose alcohol just took hold of me and I was happiest when I was out enjoying myself with my "friends" and I didn't give a care in the world about anyone else. So it went from complete highs to utter lows. I can't give you any advice because I have not done anything positive as of yet to sort out my problems bar finally admit to myself and my family I've a drink problem but it pains me to read your story because I was similar to your boyfriend only my drug of choice is alcohol and i was able to function with it ive held down a full time job no problem. To the outside world i had a great life. Internally i am so messed up it isnt funny. If I had my time over I wouldn't have neglected my partner I wouldn't have drank with my friends constantly to excess. Your partner will realise he has messed up when he realises he has a problem. Unfortunately like me it will probably be too late by then. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.
From an other view point here I found it really hard to keep someone else happy as much as I loved her. I suppose alcohol just took hold of me and I was happiest when I was out enjoying myself with my "friends" and I didn't give a care in the world about anyone else. So it went from complete highs to utter lows. I can't give you any advice because I have not done anything positive as of yet to sort out my problems bar finally admit to myself and my family I've a drink problem but it pains me to read your story because I was similar to your boyfriend only my drug of choice is alcohol and i was able to function with it ive held down a full time job no problem. To the outside world i had a great life. Internally i am so messed up it isnt funny. If I had my time over I wouldn't have neglected my partner I wouldn't have drank with my friends constantly to excess. Your partner will realise he has messed up when he realises he has a problem. Unfortunately like me it will probably be too late by then. I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.
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Thank you for your response, Darkplace, and welcome to SR. And, if I may, allow me to correct one of your statements. You absolutely HAVE done something positive to sort out your problems - you've admitted to yourself and your family that you actually have a problem and you've posted here!! Those are MAJOR first steps on your road to recovery, and you should be SO PROUD of yourself!! I don't think my XA will ever admit he has a problem with cocaine and alcohol, and he's 41 - so be glad that you are YEARS ahead of him and you're already in a better place, a place where you're ready to do something about it. And I can't even tell you how much it helps me to hear from someone who is struggling with addiction and understand where they are coming from - I really appreciate it. It comforts me to think that even if he DID love me and want to be with me, he just couldn't because his addiction has such a hold over him. Believe me, I'd much rather believe that than what, in my XA's case, is most likely the truth, that he just DIDN'T give a crap about me and as soon as he was done with me, he threw me aside without a second thought. But regardless of the truth, I have no choice but to move on and try to find happiness in my life again. You see, I, just like so many others here, am on my OWN road of recovery, the road to recovering from my codependency issues.
So you have definitely come to the right place, as you will find so many of us are recovering from one addiction or another - alcohol, drugs, or in my case, addiction to my addict. Please keep coming here, reading and posting - this site has been a lifeline for me in some of my darkest hours over the last 7 weeks. It helps more than I can even say to know that there are people out there who don't even know me, yet they want to help me, just out of the kindness of their hearts and because many, if not all, of them have been exactly where you are and exactly where I am. Please keep us posted - I look forward to reading about the progress you make on your road to recovery. I also wish the very best for you, and I know you can do this - you've already started!!
I don't think my XA will ever admit he has a problem with cocaine and alcohol, and he's 41 - so be glad that you are YEARS ahead of him and you're already in a better place, a place where you're ready to do something about it. And I can't even tell you how much it helps me to hear from someone who is struggling with addiction and understand where they are coming from - I really appreciate it. It comforts me to think that even if he DID love me and want to be with me, he just couldn't because his addiction has such a hold over him. Believe me, I'd much rather believe that than what, in my XA's case, is most likely the truth, that he just DIDN'T give a crap about me and as soon as he was done with me, he threw me aside without a second thought. But regardless of the truth, I have no choice but to move on and try to find happiness in my life again. You see, I, just like so many others here, am on my OWN road of recovery, the road to recovering from my codependency issues. So you have definitely come to the right place, as you will find so many of us are recovering from one addiction or another - alcohol, drugs, or in my case, addiction to my addict. Please keep coming here, reading and posting - this site has been a lifeline for me in some of my darkest hours over the last 7 weeks. It helps more than I can even say to know that there are people out there who don't even know me, yet they want to help me, just out of the kindness of their hearts and because many, if not all, of them have been exactly where you are and exactly where I am. Please keep us posted - I look forward to reading about the progress you make on your road to recovery. I also wish the very best for you, and I know you can do this - you've already started!!
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I found this site a couple of years ago when I was in a very deep depression over my daughters drug addiction. I tried to go to a support group but it was too depressing for me. This site helped me see things from a different perspective and I also came to realise that I am a co-dependant, which was a real surprise for me. Plus many times when I wasn't sure where to draw the line between being supportive and being an enabler, people here were very helpful in helping me figure it all out.
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