giz

SR,

Wow. If I think back to when I first found this forum and now, it's been a long trip. I came here seeking answers and methods to detach from my alcoholic boyfriend at the time. I was worrying all the time if he was alright when he was out on his drinking binges. Most of my waking hours were spent thinking and worrying about him. When that wasn't going on, he was yelling at me, blaming me, shifting blame and basically avoiding anything that would require him to change his behaviour or make him accountable for his actions.

Things I thought at the time:
I felt like if I kept trying, things would get better.
If I loved him more, he would see what I was trying to say.
If I moved in with him, I would be able to convince him not to go out on drinking binges and he would choose me instead of alcohol as his partner.

All these were unhealthy thoughts and unrealistic. I was putting all the control into his hands and allowing him to lead the relationship. Alcoholics can't drive well when intoxicated and I will tell you from experience they don't drive relationships any better. Alcoholics are selfish and seek to destroy or avoid anyone who tries to "take away" their alcohol.

For 2 years, this struggle held the facade of a "dating relationship" when really, it was a power struggle with the dishonesty my xabf said he wanted to stop drinking although his actions did not match his words and I wanted so badly to believe him I repeatedly forgave him, allowing his behaviour towards me to escalate.

I now have an Order for Protection against him. Things got worse and when he couldn't verbally abuse his ex wife anymore, he turned more of that anger on me. His daily drinking had turned into quarterly binges that he seemed to silently hold it over my head that if he got too upset, or for no reason at all, he would go on a binge.

ANYWAY

The first week I was away from him, I felt better, physically and emotionally. In time, I began to heal and see how much of a cloud had been over me since I put so much energy into "fixing" him or making him happy. My skin stopped itching (alcoholic sweat in the bedsheets). I noticed a dramatic drop in my anxiety levels and began to actively moderate it through yoga.

I realize now too I was trying to repair my relationship with my mother through him. He was not the first alcoholic I dated. He was amazingly toxic but when you are that close, it's very hard to see. I understand now that besides his alcoholisim, he is a controlling and angry man, he is narcisstic and has anxiety and depression. This combination is not only toxic but hard for most people to ever recover from since they've built a life around denial, ego boosting and not sharing the same reality as everyone else.

I have found new depths within myself. Through therapy, D.A. (Debtors Anonymous), Al-Anon, prayer, meditation, yoga and my diagnosis of ADD/ADHD in November, there is a new meaning for the word "feelings". I am now actually feeling how a situation feels to me AND acting on it by speaking up, leaving or changing the course of events. I also found out that I still have a very high IQ and did get medication for my ADD/ADHD which has really helped me to focus for longer periods of time. I also started Omega 3 fish supplements shortly after the breakup which, in a BBC documentary, was proved to be effective in focusing the mind in as little as 12 weeks with hyperactive children.

For the first time in my life, I feel empowered and am aware of when people who were used to controlling me, make attempts to but now I block them. They get quite upset! lol! I am beginning to tell people, "I am feeling our interactions are unhealthy and/or unsatisfying to me." ...and it feels damn good to do so!

I am not perfect and do not obsess over such a thing so I will share this "imperfection". New Year's I spent listing the things I was truly grateful for including watching "The Secret" earlier in 2006 which was one of the early eye openers. My sister and I had 2 drinks each (I know, very wild *wink*) and had a great time snacking and chatting. Around 2am, I sent the xabf an email wishing him peace and serenity for 2007 and hoped for his healing and awareness. I then called and thankfully, he did not answer. I don't even know what I was going to say to him but I was pretty buzzed. I didn't tell my sister until the next day what I'd done and she gave me this solem face and said she didn't think it was a good idea I'd done that. :nono: Sheepishly, I agreed with her. I then felt kinda dumb for doing it and then got back to my successful flow. THEN! about 2 weeks later, I saw a reply in my email from him. At first, I was worried he was going to tell me to go to hell but I remembered more than once he'd called me a b***h, c**t,w***e in the same breath and what could he really say now that could be as hurtful as that had felt? His email wished me the same type of recovery and said he'd been sober for 110 days. That made me smile and I knew I would keep him in my prayers. You know when you pray for people and it's hard to pray for those that have hurt you? I'm glad I didn't take him out of them.

So, SR Forum, I want to say thank you to so many of you for providing wisdom, guidance, similiar struggles and support even when I felt like I didn't deserve it. I have been able to make huge strides in my healing as an adult child of an alcoholic, child who witnessed domestic abuse, child of neglect, women who has been in more than one relationship with an abusive or addicted man and more. The biggest commitment is to stop seeking men who will hurt me and to be aware of my subconscious desire to recreate the trauma I suffered as a child.

thanks!
giz