Doug

Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sometimes, in our families, we try to get parents or brothers or sisters to treat us the way we want them to, to do things we want them to. When they're upset or angry with us, we try to get them to stop, rather than allow them to be angry.

But our feelings are ours alone, and we are responsible only for how we feel. Those around us are not the cause of our feelings. We are.

This knowledge is a big responsibility, because we know we cannot blame others for our bad moods. But it is a fact. And this fact is also a wonderful freedom for us, for it means that we also have the power to make ourselves happy, no matter what goes on around us.

How can I make myself happy today?



Today's Gift

Luckyv2

Thank you so much for that today Doug, I really did need to hear that one today. Now I probably owe some amends but I think I will see. I am grateful for you and for your words of wisdom and I am going to try to stay in the now, and try to stay teachable.

Love Vic

Don W

Doug, This is perfect for me. So many years I spent looking for something to make me happy. Alcohol, medications and others. All the time it was locked within. Not by locks or bolts. Locked in by fear and low self esteem. Thanks again and great to read your post Vic. Don W

Luckyv2

Thanks

equus

I'm managing a good degree of happiness and peace but not all the time. Should I blame myself and hack away at my own self esteem because watching my hubby go through hell on earth makes me sad? He's doing everything that I would ask of anyone the only behaviour I want him to NOT do is keep apologising over and over again.

I get some of where this is coming from and I agree it has some truth - but you know what sometimes sadness is a part of life, there doesn't have to be blame for self or for others every single time.

bartender129

"It’s not events that disturb us, but our judgment of them."
-----Epictetus


The concept that we can control our emotional reactions to things is key both to cognitive recovery, as well as the 12-step emphasis on “serenity.” It has nothing to do with placing blame, rather it has to do with the fact that we have the ability to control our own emotional states and attitudes. Something can only sadden us if we allow it to.

We’re all brought up to believe that external events cause our emotional reactions. But that is not the way it actually happens. In other words our emotions are created from our interpretation of things that happen, not the events themselves. This is not easy to see at first, but it is the important basis from which people can learn to take back control of their habits and gain in emotional maturity.

So when faced with a life event we have the ability to choose how we react. The key is to pick the most productive way to react. Sadness and anger might make a situation worse while calm and rational might make it better.

bikewench

we mental health cases are always worried we're going to drive people away with our inability to get our **** together...

we fear that the people we love and need will grow tired and leave us to flounder alone....

this is a ruling fear for me... and that endless sorry sorry is because we can see it all happening... and watch what it does to those that love us... and yet.. we are unable to lift ourselves out of the sickness so that we don't do it to them anymore...

It's a heartbreaking path...




yes...
I am just now beginning to see how far this reaches....
and how I have left myself wide open feeling wise to be tossed by the vagaries of other's lives...

..and yes... it is very freeing to know I don't have to do that anymore.. but that I can still experience and project love... in copious amounts.

my new motto of today....

I will not do anything for someone today that they can and need to do for themselves

... that includes sharing their headspace.. ;o)

equus

When does this begin? If faced with a child of 4 who cries because a parent has died would you suggest they chose that emotion? Of if you see a teenager fearful after years on end of being battered by a parent - do you suggest they chose fear?

Maybe later in life? When does this switch take place? If an adult of 50 sees their son hit by a bus do they chose to be sad? Can they find an interpretation that allows copious peace and happiness? Possibly they can but then is THAT appropriate? Even animals feel sadness and fear - the biggest hurdle with orphaned baby elephants is to get them to WANT to live again. I've watched a foal reaction to a dead mare - that was sadness. Animals feel fear - we feel fear and it can save our lives, but do we have the time or attention to chose it?

I said in the first instance that there's some truth in the original idea of us controlling what we feel but it's 'some' not all.

It's better (in my opinion) to accept that I can seek to find the best reaction and the most functional interpretation of events - however some will remain sad. The sadness has function too, not least of which is our appreciation of it's existance and the compassion that creates in us to avoid actions which result in the sadness of others.

equus

This is a little off topic but I wanted to respond. I understand what you're saying - I know that's a major fear and one he needn't have. He's not 'this' he's a whole person and the courage I see each day blows my mind, he's facing this with so much integrity I want him more not less. He calls himself a mess - but a mess is ugly and he isn't he's beautiful, a mess is distressing but although his distress can make me sad HE isn't making me sad, who he is hasn't gone anywhere or disappeared and who he is makes me proud. He knows that in the moment, when we hug, when he sees how happy I am to see him, but holding on to it through any time apart or any sadness in me seems a lot harder.

I've never regretted even for a moment marrying him - there's no man on earth I've ever met or could dream up that would be as beautiful to me. His strengths humble me and I think his weaknesses have given him his gentle heart so I wouldn't have him any other way. But all that said - I wish with all my heart he can get well, I believe he can too.

bartender129

Nowhere was it stated that certain emotions a never appropriate.

For example, what people say and write has no ability to upset you. You make a judgment about what it means to you and generate a "feeling" that is appropriate for that interpretation.

It begins when one chooses to practice and apply it. The same way you are choosing how to react to this thread. The key is to find the "feelings" that are inappropriate and uncover inappropriate interpretations of the situation.

equus

They're 2 seperate points - 1 a question about when we begin to hold people accountable for the emotion they chose (which you answered I think very well), the second was if we are always to chose then on some occasions sadness is appropriate - in those situations I was questioning the actual element of choice.

You raise the example of this thread and I think it's a good one because I can answer confidently. I believe our sense of locus of control is crucial to mental health/happiness etc however responsibility goes hand in hand with accountability so to feel responsible for what we are NOT can lead to distress.

I never had and never would suggest a disempowered way to look at life - if I generalised my comments to say 'all' or even 'most' sadness/distress are caused by events rather than our interpretation that would be a huge mistake. But I also feel that the statement to suggest 'WE' are always the cause of our feelings I think is also over generalised.

Taking the above two opinions into account I responded with an example - one I felt was relevent. I have no intention of actually hacking away at my self esteem but it is something I've witnessed people do while 'blaming' themselves. I used emotive language because emotions are involved - why avoid it? I wasn't dressing it as a study or fact, just example from life.

The second response outlined where I see the logical problems in believing only we chose our 'feelings' - if this is a truth then there should be no problem applying it to a child or any given circumstance.

I would also challenge the philisophical view that where there are appropriate and inappropriate responses that a choice can truly be argued to be a free one.

I think all of the above matters because even if a person is to believe they are the only sorce of their feelings they should maybe consider 'why' that is the case.

My interpretation of the thread was that it was black and white - a sound path of thinking but one which if misunderstood has potential for harm - and possibly one which is not entirely true. My reaction was one of internal responsibility to say there's more to it, I chose a personal example but had no objection to using other examples. What can I say? Some emotion is involved, yep in THIS case because of my interpretation and my experiences - why generalise to all?