Bee

Hello, I am new at this!! But I do need help with something. I have been in recovery for almost 2 years, but around the program about 5. The last time I was out there I gained a friend who helped me see reasons to get sober who was really there for me. We fell in love over the last 2 years and got married in June. He has stayed sober and attended al a non occasionally. On my yearly anniversary we were talking and he basically tells me that he may decide to have a beer now and then.

I was kind of shocked cause he always implied that not drinking wasn't an issue for him. I never really asked him if he would stay sober forever??!! With this conversation, I asked well how will you or I know when you make that decision and he said he would talk to me. This really made me uncomfortable with a lot mixed feelings about it. I also feel that I had dragged his thoughts of drinking out of him. I was speaking on how it is sometimes hard for me...etc. I am confused about this and I didn't think I was going to be in a relationship with a "drinker" Hellp

Don W

Bee, I'm not sure what to say. Of course we all must understand that being involved with someone in the program has this risk. The best thing I can suggest is to continue to work your program. Suggest to him that he needs to work his program. It sound to me like he is testing the waters. I would wait for a quite moment and be honest. Tell him of your concerns. He needs to understand this decision will not be with your approval. Most of all, don't get caught up in trying to view the future. Like dating someone, and thinking about kids etc. In your mind you've already got him drinking. This also needs to be handled a day at a time. This is his decision to drink not youir decision for him to drink. Don W

Millwallj

put your sobriety first, and things like this will make sense and fit into place a little easier.

Michelle37

Hold up there Bee...
You mentioned that this man was an al-anon attender, and that he has "stayed sober". Instantly, I was confused...why would someone attending al-anon, a support group for those that need help dealing with THEIR LOVED ONES ADDICTIONS, need to "stay sober"?? I understand that you are in a position of not being able to have a drink, but your disease does not obligate him to live as you do. It's not his disease, after all. If he is not an alcoholic, and has decided that he wishes to have the odd drink, I'm just not really seeing the harm in that??
If this is something you are concerned about in terms of your own recovery, you need to ensure he is aware that you would prefer he go out of the house to have his beer, or whatever. But, you also have to be realistic...you, not he, have the problem with alcohol. Why should he have to live a life of complete abstinence from alcohol because of your addiction issues? I have a dear friend of mine who's husband is in the program, and she attends al-anon as well. More over, when she wishes to have a drink with the girls, she leaves her husband home, or with his friends, and goes right ahead and has a drink or two. It's his disease, after all...not hers. (I have never seen this lady drunk, I might add...she has one or two drinks and that's it.)
I think maybe you need to give some thought as to whether you have realistic expectations of your partner here. I personally don't see anything wrong with him deciding to have a drink when he's a member of al-anon...now, if he were a member of AA, then I could better understand your concerns.