mkvan

Hello Everyone,
My apologies if this is the wrong forum…

I am writing to get some feedback on amends and how others have done it. I would love feedback from both the 12-step community and others who have gotten sober and healed their past in whatever way they have chosen that makes sense to them.

I am now over 2 years & 8 months Clean and Sober. My life overall is pretty good. I have been working slowly to clean up a lot of the external wreckage of my alcoholism and it's been going fairly well.

I now would like to take some time to make amends to those that I have hurt, without re-gurgitating and re-hurting others or myself ...
I am seeking input specifically on two people :

#1 - a married man I had an affair with 5 years ago, whom I was very mean to when I got drunk and he was terrified of me. He tried to care for me when I was really sick, even visiting me in the hospital, and yet I was totally obsessed with him. In the end, he asked me to get out of his life and he would run away whenever he saw me, which was when I would show up at his store or other place of work, repeatedly drunk. He even tried to call the cops once. He didn’t respond to any of my subsequent emails in 2012 when I tried to connect and apologize to him. I wasn’t Sober then.

Now, in March 2016, over 2 years & 8 months Clean/Sober, I feel really stable and want to move forward and I genuinely feel sorrow and regret for the way I treated and terrified him and I want to apologize. I know I am not that person anymore. My question is, do I send him an amends letter, ask to meet or do I just let it go ? I have a 12-step mentor who I would like to reach out, though is not available, but wanted to get the input of others on this site, both from non-12 step folks and 12-step people. I would prefer to make the amends than to just let it go.

My honest desire is for him to be at Peace and I would love for him to Forgive me.

#2 – The clerk at a sex club who barred me 4 years ago, because of what I said to him after he asked me to leave the establishment, because I was drunk. I have seen him several times on the street in the past few months and didn’t say anything. I feel tremendous shame whenever I see him and I am sh*t scared to approach him at the establishment and tell him that I am sorry. Each time I see him, he seems so angry, not at me per se, but in general, even from a distance when he doesn’t see me. My question is, do I make the amend to him in person ? And if so, can I give him a card /coffee card ? How have people approached something like this, if at all.

Also, overall, is it ok, if I just leave the past in the past, write a letter in my journal and say goodbye peacefully. I have made some amends – to my Dad, brother, a couple of close friends and my financial/legal situations. In my active alcoholism, I was sometimes a very vitriolic person and in extreme pain. I want to move forward and never go back there again.

Also, my behavior today is diametrically opposite to that of my active alcoholism. I am generally quite peaceful, quiet, funny in personal conversations, supportive and those people who are unaware of my past, genuinely want to work with me, hang out with me and seek input from me, without any manipulation on my part. This is a huge contrast to the way I was and I am superbly grateful for this shift.

Thank you so much for your input !

zerothehero

mkvan, I'm not a huge 12 Step fan, but I do believe in the process of making amends. One thing in your post jumped out at me: "...and I would love for him to Forgive me." I would caution that making amends in not about attempting to gain forgiveness from anyone but yourself. The process of forgiving others helps you forgive yourself; forget what others think and I would advise you not to seek forgiveness from others. If you want "him to be at Peace" you might consider writing a letter to him and decide later if you even send it. Based on what you described, approaching him will not bring him peace. Your apology may or may not help and he may not care or want to hear it. Maybe he'll be thankful for a letter, maybe he'll throw it away without reading it. Regardless, I wouldn't say or write anything that would lead him to believe you are attempting to rekindle any kind of relationship, platonic or not. I would say the same about the clerk. No reason to try to have conversations with people who would rather avoid you.

These are just my opinions, but I think it is okay to write in your journal for your own healing and not bother others or stir things up. There are people I would like to apologize to but I have no idea how to contact them, and I don't think they would appreciate hearing from me, anyway, even for an apology. I'm still working on forgiving myself. I'm genuinely sorry for the wrongs I've committed, and that's probably more important than whether or not the world knows it.

IvanMike

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others

A big part of the amends process is simply not living and behaving the way that we once did. There's a reason that steps 8 and 9 come after 6 and 7. - If we keep behaving in the same manner, what sort of amends are we really capable of? Sometimes all we can do for some people is to live differently and not hurt others the way we hurt them. Contacting them may cause enough damage that it is best to leave them alone. This is a case-by-case basis and may change over time. This is the kind of situation where you want to get specific and perhaps continual guidance from a sponsor or other experienced person.

My first ex-wife was the first person that I made "formal" amends to at the direction of my sponsor. This was not pleasant. Part of the discussion was letting her know that I no longer behaved in the way I once did, and that I was not harming other women in the way that I had harmed her. - She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me except when it came to raising our adult children (I can't blame her). I'm still making financial amends to her, but another part of my ongoing amends to her is treating her with respect when we do have to interact.

Direct amends are essential, but not always the right thing to do in every case. - None of this is to say that "simply" living differently is somehow second rate. We make a tremendous amends to those we have wronged, ourselves, and society as a whole when we live a lifestyle of recovery.

mkvan

Thanks zerothehero. Much appreciated !

mkvan

Thanks IvanMike !

IvanMike

zero was right on target too. Forgot to mention that.

Ken33xx

What made you feel she would be interested to know you've turned over a new leaf? It seems what you did was open up a wound for the woman.

There was a lady some 25 years ago I was engaged to be married. However, my behavior including the drinking ended things badly. I certainly owe her an apology but also realized my sudden appearance would only cause anguish.

Sending a letter was the way to go but had no idea where to find her. I think I saw her once on the street but she didn't stop.

Imo, when it comes to amends it's sometime best to run things by not only a sponsor but others as well.

IvanMike

In this case I didn't simply appear - we have to see each other and interact due to having children in college. If anything, I open up that wound every time she sees me. - I followed the direction of a man who has been in recovery for 32 years and who hasn't steered me wrong yet. The relationship between myself and my ex is more cordial than it used to be. - It certainly wasn't a two second conversation that my sponsor and I had regarding this amends. - There are a LOT of other women and people that don't have to see me who are probably not going to get direct amends unless circumstances present themselves.

Ken33xx

Yes, that certainly makes a difference. But why would she want to hear that having gotten sober you've learned to treat women better than you treated her? In fact it might make her feel worse.

In any event it's never easy: amends and personal relationships.

IvanMike

It never is. To be honest, the conversation I had with her was a lot more in depth. A good deal of it was acknowledging that I hurt her and letting her know that she didn't deserve the person that I became. - Overall I think it went well and I believe that she appreciated my owning my wrongs. - I didn't get any forgiveness, but then again I wasn't looking for any. That's not what the step is about.

To tell the truth I was as scared as heck initiating and having that conversation. - It was worth it though.

Boleo

Somethings I found helpful when making amends;

1. I don't make amends to individuals - I make amends to the Universe.

2. I don't pay people back with my money - I pay them back with their money.

3. I don't expect people to forgive me or even like what I have done - I do it just to clean off my side of the street.

4. Success or failure is not mine to pocket.