ocloudsaboveme

Hi everyone...

I have a question for people who have experience in AA, negative or positive...

I've only got a couple months sober and really like the program, but I have started to notice the extent of dysfunction in the rooms. It's not like I expected that to be non-existent...I assumed that there would be people with no intention of getting better who profess to study the 12 steps, who go to meetings for social reasons, etc., to complain, or to incite drama...

The problem is I'm starting to have a really hard time telling who's who. In your experience, would you say the vast majority of people you encounter in AA are just whack jobs? Are 2 out of 3 just there to meet people, with no serious intentions whatsoever?

I've met a lot of really cool people, and I've got a good home group, but I am starting to get a little bewildered the other six nights a week. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone at ALL....(it probably sounds like that )---I'm just trying to figure out how to avoid people who are going to drag me down when I least suspect it.

I'm not even talking about people who are stumbling/struggling with issues. I'm talking about people who seem to be manipulative and even predatory in a way....just weird. Maybe I'm a freak and I'm over-analyzing....or are there just a huge number of people like this hanging around meetings?

I can usually glean something from any meeting, but a lot of them lately are just downright negative and the people act disrespectful and seem to feed off drama or other really insane addictions. I'm open-minded and aware that I've just started to learn the basics, but I'm beginning to wonder if some groups are more destructive than beneficial...

Have others had this experience? If so--do you think it's worse in AA than in other recovery programs, or is it just what happens in any type of program? Does it even matter?

Also--are there certain types of AA groups that tend to have less of this? Like I said I'm new, so I'm not sure if maybe I'm just going to the wrong places. If anyone has any suggestions of things to look for to find a more solid group, I'd appreciate it!

LadyinBC

I usually stick to just women meetings for now, but I did go to mixed ones and I do every once in awhile go to one. I haven't had any problems yet. Believe me I have seen more dysfunction in my old work place than in AA!

Of course this happens everywhere, I pretty well stick to myself at the other meetings but I won't ignore someone when they talk to me. Unless I felt uncomfortable. Personally if i found the group too negative I would probably try to find another meeting that night if I could or the next time. Where I live they have several in different places.

At the end of the day I think a person has to feel comfortable and safe at these meetings. If I don't feel "safe" I can leave the room and find another group. I don't have to stay anywhere where I don't feel "safe". Use your gut when it comes to predatory behaviour. It is seldom wrong.

drunkyjules

I have noticed some of the dysfunction in the rooms of AA. As they say "some of us are sicker than others". If you think about it, we are people with drinking issues and you take away the drink but those issues are still there. Alot of alcoholics have mental health issues.

I have seen the gossiping, the feeding off drama, people who obviously don't get along etc. But I've also seen many good and touching moments. I think most people are good people but the negatives always make a bigger impact.

My issue has been, getting close to people and who I can actually trust. Not an easy deal for me. There is one guy in particular that has shown an interest in me. The things he says have a big impact and he has long term sobriety but I think he has ulterior motives when he talks to me. Which I believe is called 13th stepping. I want his knowledge about life and sobriety but not whatever else he is trying to give me. It kind of scares me and makes me nervous to run into him.

Just keep working your program, maybe "meeting shop" and stay away from the negatives. Just because they are in the rooms doesn't mean they are working a program for living a better life.

LadyinBC

Also my post isn't a dig on guys at all. I know that guys run into this sort of thing too.

Mark75

Awesome question... answers? A little tougher to come by, I think.

I don't have experience with being a member of a sick group. I went to one once during my 90 in 90, and never returned. Sooooo much drama, self pity, angst... it was jarring. I believe that I am incredibly fortunate with the awesome AA groups in my area I can go to.

My home group is not sick, but there are some members who are. As a group we are able to offer assistance as we can. Love and tolerance are our guiding principles. But if tolerance is not what is needed, we can also figure a way to protect those who need it... doesn't happen often, thank God.

If a group members stick to sharing their own experience and share the solution... not the problem, it's kinda hard for people to be predatory and manipulative.

Good luck to you, and maybe check out some other groups, maybe a women's group (assuming you are a woman!)



This might be better placed in the 12 step section of SR?

tomsteve

yup, theres disfunctionam people in AA. if there wasnt i dont think we'd be there. i personally put the FU in disfunctional. but i wanted to change. some are willing to go to any lengths, some draw a line.
some truly are sicker than others and it took me a while to accept this fact. yes, there are predators in AA. it is my duty to protect the newcomer and make them aware of it. some groups work at protecting the newcomer and memebers of AA. some dont. most groups keep to the message of recovery of AA. the chairperson has a duty to keep a meeting focused on recovery. if a meitng is getting off track, its okay for me, even though im not chairing the meeting, to step in and help get it back on track.
structured meetings is where some realy good recovery is at. big book study and step studty meetings tend to draw people who have a genuine desire to stay sober and help other alcoholics.

"I'm just trying to figure out how to avoid people who are going to drag me down when I least suspect it. "
stick with the ones who have what you want. dont ask God to lead you from temptation and them walk into it. and for your own sake, dont put anyone on a pedastal. we are all human and make mistakes.

tomsteve

IMO, thats yer HP givin ya some signs. its hard to know the exact motives of some, but time tells all. we who have been sober for time also have trust issues with newcomers. its a 2 way street. it has to be earned through action on both sides.

Natom

There is going to be a certain amount of dysfunction in any AA meeting. When the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking they've hardly set the bar very high. Unfortunately people do go to these meetings with the wrong intentions but in my experience this is very rare, or at least it is in my area. Stick with the people who share a good recovery and have a serene peace to them. It gets easier to seperate the wheat from the chaff.

Natom.

Dee74

I think it's fine where it is - if you guys want a discussion on dysfunction in AA it makes sense to me to include former members of AA and other people with experience too.

So long as we all remember the rules, it should be fine

D

vegibean

Just be careful, because there are a lot of sick people in the rooms, they're sober, but they're still not mentally healthy. Take your time to get to know people and remember, you're not going to like everyone just like not everyone is going to like you, and that's ok.

I know the ones you're talking about, I've seen them, and I feel for them, but I know that my job is to take care of me first and to stick with the crowd that's doing the right thing. My best to you.

hamabi

If you are close to people who have been sober in the area for some time you can ask them which are the weak groups where anything goes and which are the stronger ones, where people play less games. Groups garner reputations in the community.

Those not interested in the things you might be interested in generally make things easier for the rest of us by staying concentrated in a few groups in metropolitan areas where they are not likely to be called on their behavior. Allowing those members who prefer a different atmosphere to avoid them without strain.

Mark75

Oh no, that's not why, hell, I am getting used to AA critics, well... I am trying, LOLOLOL...

No, she just might get more responses there. That's all...

Dee74

No clairvoyance was involved and no aspersions were cast Mark

D

Leadfoot

Yes. There is a multitude of dysfunctional people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Unfortunately the newcomer can't tell who's who. They don't know who's talking out of the book, who's talking from the heart and who's blowing smoke out of their a$$.
We have a responsibility in AA to keep the message as pure as we can. Remember in step 12?? The part where we carry "This" message?

Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to compile a list of what to look for and what to lookout for to hand out to the newcomers. I can't help but to think it's not my place to say though.

Best advise I can give is to do everything in your power to learn what the book says and what the traditions are all about. That'll help.

While on the subject of traditions, look for people who talk about traditions from time to time. Except the third. That causes more fights in meetings than anything else. The seventh doesn't count either. But do look for those that talk of traditions. My experience has shown that those that value traditions are the ones to hang with.

miamifella

Given that the majority of people you meet in AA have less a year of sobriety, it only stands to reason that there are plenty of people who major problems.

Just remember that you are not there to everybody's friend. Don't lend money or let people stay at your place.

sugarbear1

The program is the 12 steps, the fellowship are the meetings and people.

Are you focusing on the message or the people? Principles before personalities.

Stick with the people who are doing what they say they do; those who walk their talk.

I didn't get sober to behave in the same manner as I did when I was drinking......Maybe get to some other meetings, too!

Db1105

You'll find the more serious members in Step meetings and Big Book meetings.

mrschoices

I think you are very perceptive and I would trust yourself. However, judging others doesn't work for me. I have to keep my eyes on my own paper and do my own recovery program.

The healthiest meetings I've found are Big Book Step meetings. People are doing the actual work at home and come to the meeting to share on what they're doing, what the solution is. If you have no time for drama, try those.

We are all sick people. It's a dysfunctional society. People are in 12 step fellowships for a reason. Go and do your work and think of what you can give to the meeting and the people. Tolerate us, please!

AA is my primary fellowship. I have cousins in Alanon who manipulate me and try to bring up hurtful things about my past...I've always only loved them. But I can see today that I've people-pleased them all my life. So everyone has problems. Hopefully next time I'll do better...whether they do or not is up to them.

It's a human disease....whatever you want to call it.

soberlicious

Exactly. A newcomer has no way of knowing that.
I would agree.

Joe Nerv

Early in recovery I felt safest in the groups we used to call the old men groups. There are still a lot of them around here. Most of the people going are over 40 years old, and they're generally low key groups with people who have been sober for a while. Sticking with them, step meetings, and big book meetings always seemed like the safest bet to me.

I also think we need to trust our HPs, and then ourselves. Most of us know who we can trust and who we can't. And if we have trouble with that it's good to have at least one person we know we can trust to run things by. A sponsor, or a good friend.

While there are definitely a handful of not so perfect people in AA, I still think it's one of the safest gatherings of people to be around.

Last note, I think we also tend to attract what it is we're focusing on. If I'm focusing on the sincere people in AA, those are the people I attract more of in my life. People will be people, I try to let them all be who they are, and as stated by someone else - keep my eyes on my own paper. Except of course for one certain type that I struggle with , but I'm gettin better, and starting to get to the bottom of that. I think the vast majority of AA people are good intentioned.