Lara

My best friend H became addicted to cocaine in 2007. In April 2011 he admitted himself into rehab (Harmony Clinic). He was in rehab for 4 months and now has been in 'recovery' since then. For the past few months he has been drinking in the evenings. He 'controls' what he drinks by 'only' having 1 or 2 beers in the evening with friends, and then goes home. Usually takes a sleeping pill to sleep - forcing him to exclude himself from friends - so he doesn't relapse. He also smokes grass every now and again (he has smoked grass for probably the last 15 years). He seems completely functioning. But I see he is not coping. He talks as though he is still in recovery - that he is not using cocaine.
But what is the reality of him relapsing?? Is it every possible for a cocaine addict to every have just 'one or two' drinks and not relapse? I have had many fights with him over this - and he just tells me that as long as it's not cocaine - that he can control it????

MrsKing

Personally, I need to be free of ALL substances, because I'm useless at controlling my use with anything like that. That doesn't mean it's the same for him, though. I don't think it's fair for anyone to say that he is NOT in recovery, because if, for him, his major issue was that he was addicted to cocaine, and he is not taking any cocaine any longer, then he is in recovery from that. The only thing is that it is always a worry that people replace one addiction with another, but if he is able to control himself with all other substances then it's not for anyone to question what his probability of relapsing is, because only he knows. And of course it is possible to have 'one or two drinks' without taking cocaine, if he is choosing not to do that. Why is it that you think he is 'not coping' ? I think it is wonderful that you are concerned about him, it's great that he has a supportive friend. But if he will relapse, he will relapse. You won't be able to stop him. Sorry to say that, and I know it is hard to hear - but just be supportive that he's not taking cocaine NOW, rather than worry about what he's going to do in the future. He most likely wants to try and not think about future relapses.

Taking5

IMHO, he has already relapsed, just not with his DOC - drug of choice. I think every alkie and addict here has succesfully controlled his/her usage, for a while. This is one reason why AA, NA, rehabs, doctors and addiction counselors are all pretty much united in regards to mind altering substances, non-prescribed meds or misuse of prescribed meds, regardless of our past DOC.

Lara

Hi 'Mrsking' thank you for your reply. I appreciate input from somebody who is really speaking from experience. I believe 'he is not coping' because he told me so - he said he needs to avoid friends and parties for a while as he feels 'weak'. But at least he is talking openly about it all - I find relief in your input that some people really can manage with a few drinks - if cocaine was his addiction. I believe in him. I appreciate your words 'not think about future relapses' - I am very aware of the positives and every day find something good to compliment him on. I hear your words. I appreciate any input as it is difficult as the 'non recovering' partner - there are so many 'rules' out there as to what to do, what to say , what not to say.... I know it is so important that I 'support' without being patronising and without disempowering him - and that truly loving him (as I do dearly) means respecting him and that he will do what he will do, and that only he knows truly what is best for him.

onlythetruth

I don't know that the real question here is whether or not he's really "in recovery". Different folks define that state in different ways and others reject the label entirely.

The real question is whether or not the person in question is healthy. Not just "functional"; as we all know a person can go to work, bring home a paycheck and get the kids on the bus each morning, and still be a complete mess mentally and physically.

In this case it sounds as though H, while "functional", is not healthy. The big picture here is that he is using substances and behaviors to cope with life rather than developing healthy adult ways of living.

Perhaps if you discussed these issues with him in a gentle, non accusatory way, without getting into semantic issues about whether he is "in recovery" or not, he would be open to your input.

Lara

Hi 'Onlythetruth'. Thank you for your input. I am very careful not to 'accuse H' and not use absolutes like 'in recovery' or 'not in recovery'... but I do voice my concern when he drinks too much etc. We had a good conversation yesterday, a gentle conversation, and he is going to go back to rehab for just a 'refresher' 2 weeks. The challenge for H is that he lives on an island - and there is no access to support groups etc - so rehab means travelling overseas....

onlythetruth

Hi Lara. Excellent job...and you can see how having the conversation gently did help, since he is going for that refresher.

Another thing you might want to try. In addition to the wonderful support you can receive here on the F&F section of SR, SMART Recovery has a Family and Friends Forum, which I'll link to below. Lots of practical suggestions there.

Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention

Also, you may want to pick up the book: Get Your Loved One Sober, by Robert J. Meyers, PhD. It's available on Amazon and thru the Hazelden bookstore. It describes something called the CRAFT method of helping others, a nonconfrontational approach which has been empirically proven to be effective.

The CRAFT of Getting Loved Ones Sober

keepfinding2

Sounds like coke used to be his drug of choice. He doesn't seem to have a problem with the other things.

Lara

Hi 'Keepfinding2'. I hope that is so. But he is very aware (and this might seem odd) that he can ONLY drink beer. He has to stay away from whisky. One or two whiskys for some reason weaken his resolve and he says he really battles then with the temptation to have some cocaine. So he is really discaplined, aware of his limits, and after 1 or 2 beers calls it quits. When H is around I don't allow others to drink whisky - some of my friends negate me saying I am over protective....but I believe it is the least I can do to support....

Lara

Hi 'Onlythetruth' thank you so much for your input and suggested reading material. Means so much! I will definitely be reading it all.

wow04

I know for me I can't use any substance. I attend both AA and NA due to I would use drugs and drink. It didn't matter, anyway to get my fix. I started with alcohol, went to drugs, back to alcohol, and so on. I couldn't work a real "program" if I had any chemical in my body.

Each person's recovery is different. My is clean from all drugs and alcohol.

recovered90

The type of life that all of us addicts/ alcoholics want, is a life free of all mind altering substances. Our problem is being sober. The big book talks about a spiriual malady that we live in - guilt, shame, remorse, self loathing. When ever I tried to be drug and alcohol free this malady kicked in and I was miserable, until I picked up that drug or drink, then things were ok again. The 12 steps of our program, when done the way they did it in the 1940's deals with that spiriual malady, we have a spiritual awakening, and the obsession to drink is removed.

recovered90

MrskINGS POST SAYS THAT TO ENJOY FREEDOM, WE HAVE TO CONTROL OURSELVES, I AM GLAD THAT THAT IS NOT TRUE, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF, IT WAS ONLY THROUGH THE 12 STEPS OF AA THAT I BEGAN TO FIND THAT GOD WAS DOING FOR ME THAT WHICH I COULD NOT DO FOR MYSELF. WE HAVE TO GIVE UP