sickofliquor

i have floated in and out of the rooms of aa for years now. every time i go back to drinking, and more recently, hard drugs, i fail to make it work
i guess i have a problem identifying as an "alcoholic" or "addict". i constantly want to escape myself and any drug will do. i dont believe im dependent on any one drug, alcohol included, but when im not drinking or using, im a depressed mess.
i got out of rehab a little over a month ago. i was clean for a week after then went back to getting high/drunk. a week ago today, i ran out of money and have been at home hiding ever since... my mom thinks i need to go back to rehab, but im not going through withdrawal, im just depressed and want to get ****** up. i know of the 12 step meetings in the area but cant seem to drag myself to get to one. as i said ive floated in and around the rooms for years, and never seem able to "get it"...
stopping using/drinking is always the easy part, ive never gotten the shakes from booze or dopesick or otherwise "hooked". which makes me question whats going on. i know dope is very addicting, and i was shooting it daily for a combined month and a half. i just know it was consuming my thoughts and life and eating up my money. but when i was in rehab, others who were "more addicted" than me made me question if i even needed to be there.

i guess the bottom line is i cant live successfully off the wagon, and dont know how to live successfully on it. labels aside, drugs and alcohol have disrupted and defined my life. so i reckon that means i need help. but its scary heading back into the rooms when ive "jumped ship" so many friggin times before.... i believe ive lost credibility. plus im not sure i "really want" recovery. i know i need it, but how many bottoms do i have to hit before i get it through my thick skull?

hypochondriac

Have you looked into Rational Recovery before SickofLiquor? That's aimed at people who found AA hard to 'get'. Might be worth a look x

ReadyAndAble

Well, that's the first question to ask ourselves, for sure.

Now that I'm on this side of things, it's hard to believe the answer wasn't obvious to me. I mean, alcohol was eroding everything good in life. Fun times while drinking? Those were long gone. Yet I was so depressed, so hopeless, and so afraid, that I asked myself that same question many times.

You're addicted to a depressant that you've abused for a long time. It's not surprising that you'd question the point of recovery—or of anything. But you can't trust those thoughts. Trust instead the people who have recovered.

As to method, I love AVRT. But it's not a plan for living, like AA. AVRT is about quitting alcohol and drugs, that's it. For the rest you'll need to find other answers. Which was fine by me. Once I quit, everything else became a lot easier to sort out.

Whatever approach you take, it seems commitment is the common denominator. I know you're depressed and struggling to find the motivation. Honestly, for me it ultimately required a leap of faith. I wasn't sure what I'd find, but I knew I was sick of the way I was living. I am so effin' grateful that I ignored my doubts, and gave it everything I had. You will be too, SOL.

Anna

I agree that you should just let go of the labels. They don't change anything. It sounds to me like you're trying to find a slot for yourself and since you don't see one, you're not sure. If alcohol/drugs are disrupting your life, then stop using them and live the life you deserve.

And, if AA doesn't work, why not try SMART, Lifering or a different recovery method.

GinaSantaCruz

Hi I may be new to this website but I'm not new to AA by any stretch. I too have been in and out of the rooms for 11 yrs. and never been able to get more than 6 mos. But this time around I've already got 9 1/2 mos. and so far I'm not experiencing thoughts/cravings. I've definetly done things different this time such as get a sponsor, new friends, great meetings, and I'm actually working the steps. I have always heard you can't continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Just a suggestion try to do all these and see if things change. But remember you have to want it deep down.

awuh1

If you drink because you are depressed then why not attack the depression? Depression is quite treatable. Have you looked into a mental health evaluation for this?

sickofliquor

yep. its been ongoing treatment for years, and drinking/using is always the primary concern, ie: the meds dont work properly until you're alcohol and drug free...

blueshades

Sol, I have also had trouble accepting those terms, "addict," "alcoholic," but I know that it doesn't matter if I'm technically alcoholic or "just" a problem drinker. The end result is the same. You do have the insight to realize that your use is an attempt to escape yourself. You have to believe that stopping the use will help you deal with the depression. Hang in there, I say. It won't always be easy, but a better life awaits you!

I wish you luck.

candi7

My problem was that I could no longer go numb and couldn't escape myself, but what I learned was that I was self medicating. I have underlying mental health issues. Now they are treating me for at least the anxiety issues that I have-they will formally diagnose me (if needed) at my 6 month sobriety mark. But for now, my life is sooo much easier to deal with-while in recovery. My biggest help was finding a sponsor-and if you are like me-you need a tough one, not just that will tell you like it is, but to also show you some compassion. It's best to call on them daily and use them as much as you can-that's what they are there for. Also, if you have a phone list-call them all the time... Keep going back and only live moments/a day at a time.. take it easy friend xoxo